Let's Watch This: "Valiant" (2005)

Let's talk a little about Vanguard Animation.

The studio was founded in 2002 by John H. Williams, the producer of Shrek. Since the 2000s, they've been known for releasing some... less than stellar movies. Remember Happily N'Ever After? That was made by them. Space Chimps? Yes, that was them too. TV Tropes claims that the latter film's direct-to-video sequel was such a disaster that it bankrupted Vanguard, but if it did, it clearly didn't keep them down for long - after five years, they released a new film, Get Squirrely, in 2015, followed by a film called Gnome Alone in 2017. Their most recent film was Fearless, released in 2020. But we'll get to those movies another time. Today, we're looking at the very first film that Vanguard Animation ever made: 2005's Valiant.

Directed by Gary Chapman, Valiant was inspired by the hundreds of pigeons who helped soldiers during World War II. It was the second CGI film - after The Magic Roundabout (aka Doogal), which was released the same year - to be made in the United Kingdom. The film received generally negative reviews (it has a 32% "rotten" rating on Rotten Tomatoes) and only made about $61.7 million at the box office... though on a $35 million budget, that's not too bad. Better than Happily N'Ever After, if nothing else.

I remember watching Valiant years ago and finding it pretty good. Is it as good as I remember, or the movie equivalent of a pigeon taking a dump on your car? Let's find out, shall we?

It is May. May 1944. Brave pigeons, one of them voiced by John Cleese, are flying over the English Channel in a thunderstorm, only for falcons to dive in and snatch them up. Did you know that peregrine falcons eat pigeons? If those falcons are peregrine falcons, methinks those poor pigeons are gonna wind up dinner...

Then we cut to another pigeon (Michael Jenn) giving the pigeons' commander, Gutsy (voiced by Hugh Laurie) a message from a seagull - none of the pigeons made it back alive. Gutsy is shocked - those were some of their top flyers. As opposed to his bottom flyers, I guess?

...Please laugh. I'm trying my hardest here.

Since he's voiced by Hugh Laurie, I suppose I should make a Dr. House joke here. But I
haven't actually watched that show, so...

"If we don't find some more birds fast, our goose is going to be cooked," Gutsy declares, giving us what I assume is the first of MANY bird puns that this film is going to send our way.

After that, we are treated to a newsreel about how pigeons are helping out during the war by delivering messages. They are led by the Royal Homing Pigeon Service. Also helping out are doves, who raise seeds for the bird troops or act as nurses for them. This newsreel is being shown in some sort of bird bar that probably has another bird pun for a name (I dunno, maybe "The Bird Feeder" or something?). Pigeons come here to eat, drink, and play pool with snails.

Shouldn't the snails have some say in this?

Among the birds in the bar, there's Valiant, a cheery little pigeon voiced by Ewan McGregor. He tells the bartender, a seagull named Felix (John Hurt), that he could be a member of the Royal Homing Pigeon Service. Felix then goes into a speech about his time in the Aquatic Brigade Gull Division.

Question - how come Felix is the only non-pigeon in the bar? Is it a pigeon-only establishment? Are we going to be dealing with bird racism in this movie?

"Got any dinglehoppers for me, Valiant?"

"You know it's not a bloke's WINGSPAN that counts, it's the size of his spirit!" Felix tells Valiant. Coincidentally, the Royal Homing Pigeon Service is just outside, doing some fancy air tricks. After coming in for a landing, the pigeons, led by Gutsy, head into the bar. Valiant goes gaga over Gutsy and asks how he can sign up, only for the other pigeons in the bar to mock him for his small size. But Gutsy tells Valiant that there's always room in the flock for a more VALIANT birds (I see what he did there) and that sign-ups are tomorrow in London.

Have I ever mentioned that I really like Hugh Laurie? Great actor.

Meanwhile, at Generic Evil Animated Movie Villain Lair...

The two falcons are bringing the John Cleese pigeon, whose name is Mercury, to their boss, the evil Von Talon (Tim Curry). It is here that the falcons establish themselves as your typical animated movie bumbling minion duo (y'know, kind of like Pain and Panic from Hercules). Their names are Cufflingk (Rik Mayall) and Underlingk (Michael Schlingmann).

Also, they have weird accents. Since this film takes place during World War II, and these falcons are the bad guys, I'm guessing they're supposed to be German, but Cufflingk and Underlingk sound British, and Von Talon... I'm not even sure WHAT his accent is. Russian? French?

"Oh, I know I'm not a pretty birdy, but I used to be quite a looker... a STAR..."

After throwing Mercury in a cage, Von Talon demands to know who his "contact in the resistance" is. "This canary will never sing!" Mercury declares. Maybe I should start keeping track of all the bird jokes in this movie...

The next day, Valiant heads off to London to sign up for the Royal Homing Pigeon Service. We get a spit joke (disgusting), and then we cut to a scruffy-looking pigeon named Bugsy (voiced by Ricky Gervais) trying to con some magpies out of their seeds. Fortunately, Valiant falls out of the sky on top of the magpies just as they're about to beat Bugsy up.

Ricky Gervais' being in this is making me think about Muppets Most Wanted. Boy, do I
hate that movie...

After Valiant explains to him what he's doing in London, Bugsy decides to sign up for the Royal Homing Pigeon Service himself to get away from the magpies. Alas, when they arrive at the sign-ups place, the pigeon running it rejects them both - Valiant for being too small and Bugsy for his awful smell. Then Bugsy claims that Valiant is pals with Wing Commander Gutsy, and that Gutsy probably won't be too pleased if they don't let Valiant join.

Off Valiant and a reluctant Bugsy are whisked with three other pigeons to the training grounds. Say hello to Toughwood (Brian Lonsdale) and Tailfeather (Dan Roberts), two dim-witted pigeon brothers who are obsessed with being strong...

So, is Valiant just a runt, or have all the other pigeons just taken pigeon steroids or something?

…and Lofty (Pip Torrens), a prissy intellectual pigeon.

With a monocle, just in case you didn't pick up on the "he's the prissy intellectual one" thing.

And of course, there's also the Sergeant (Jim Broadbent), who's your typical cartoon drill sergeant who shouts a lot. I find it funny how there were TWO animated movies released in 2005 - the other being Robots - that had Ewan McGregor and Jim Broadbent both lending their voices to it.

"When I'm finished with you, you'll have mud in places you didn't know you HAD!"

He also looks down on Valiant for his height, just in case you didn't get by now that this movie is going to have a "size doesn't matter" moral.

Back with the falcons. Von Talon continues to interrogate Mercury, and when he refuses to comply they torture him with... polka music. Uh, okay then...

Well, it could be worse. They could be making him listen to [INSERT SOME MUSICIAN THAT
YOU DISLIKE HERE].

After a hard day of training, Sergeant sends the pigeons to the nurse, Victoria (Olivia Williams). Spoiler alert: she's Valiant's love interest. She doesn't have a whole lot of personality aside from that, she's just there to be his love interest. She also jams a needle up his tailfeathers. Ouch.

Characters getting things shoved into their rears = instant comedy, right?

We get a montage of the pigeons getting a shower, dinner, sleeping arrangements, etc. - and then it's back to the falcons! Mercury still refuses to talk, but the falcons have a syringe full of truth serum. How convenient.

The next morning, the pigeons do some more training... yeah, a good chunk of the movie is like this. Training, training, training, with the occasional scene of Valiant and Victoria flirting.

Also, Stonehenge.

Eventually, Gutsy stops by and says that another squadron has vanished, so that means Valiant and his fellow recruits are needed in battle.

I'm just now noticing that it looks like Toughwood and Tailfeather are wearing tank tops.
It makes Valiant, Bugsy, and Lofty look naked by comparison (well, they ARE naked, but you
know what I mean)...

The message that they will be carrying is of utmost importance. Bugsy, who's a massive coward, wants to continue being alive, so he flies off that night, even after Valiant and the others try to talk him out of it. But the next morning, just as the pigeons are about to fly off to France to meet with the resistance, he comes back. Which is good, seeing as he's the best character in the movie.

After another scene with the falcons, the pigeons parachute out of the plane just as it's being shot down. Problem is, Gutsy's cage gets stuck, so he doesn't get out of the plane. And just when Lofty is trying to convince Valiant that he probably survived, the plane explodes.

Ka-boom.

Then the pigeons run into two mice that are part of the French Resistance. They are Charles De Girl (Sharon Horgan) - clever name - and Rollo (Buckley Collum). Bugsy starts flirting with Charles... yes, a pigeon is flirting with a mouse. This isn't Bee Movie levels of awkward, but it's still pretty awkward.

Too bad they aren't rats. Then I could make a Ratatouille joke.

The pigeons and the mice sneak around, we get a fart joke courtesy of Bugsy (eugh) and eventually Cufflingk and Underlingk spot them and it's chase sequence time. Fortunately, they manage to get to the Resistance headquarters, where another mouse, Jacques (Sean Samuels), gives Bugsy the message. Then Lofty, Toughwood, and Tailfeather lure the falcons away so that Valiant and Bugsy can fly off with the message... alas, Cufflingk catches up with them and manages to get his talons on Bugsy, who he takes to the falcons' EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEVIL lair.

So now the falcons have the message. And Bugsy. This isn't a good thing. Unless you dislike Ricky Gervais.

A bumbling villain's minion actually doing something competent? Huh. Who would've thunk?

Von Talon declares that the "high commander" will be pleased. I don't know who this "high commander" he's referring to is, but since they're German, I think we can assume that it's Hitler. Maybe they didn't think they could actually get away with saying his name in a kids' movie.

Bugsy is thrown into the same cage as Mercury. Meanwhile, Valiant believes himself to be a screw-up because of Bugsy's being in danger... but then Lofty, Tailfeather, and Toughwood show up - as does Gutsy, who's alive. Now they just have to figure out how to get inside the falcon's lair and save Bugsy. Then Valiant remembers that he's pretty small, and could probably fit into the barrel of that gun thing sticking out of the bunker. So he flies over and does just that.

"Alright, here's the plan: we dive-bomb the Nazis and start pecking their eyes out."

Valiant gets his wings on the message and swallows it. He tries to free Bugsy, but Von Talon (who's taking a shower at the moment) has the key to the cage. Bugsy is all "Go on without me, you've gotta complete the mission!" but Valiant is all "No way!" and goes to get the key. Which he does. But in the process, he's spotted by Cufflingk and Underlingk.

Valiant, Bugsy, and Mercury make their escape and rejoin the others. Off they fly to deliver the message. Too bad the falcons are on their tail... or rather, tailFEATHERS. Please laugh.

If it weren't for the fact that there was already a gag involving the song, this would be a great
place to put "Ride of the Valkyries".

While the other pigeons are dealing with Cufflingk and Underlingk, Valiant has to deal with Von Talon.

"Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeere's Johnny!"

Fortunately, a convenient group of warships give Valiant the cover he needs to get away from Von Talon... for a few minutes. Eventually, their chase leads them by Felix's place, and when he sees Valiant being chased by a falcon he sounds the alarm. Blah-blah-blah, more chasing, Von Talon is evil, he pursues Valiant into a mill, where Valiant gets the water flowing. It takes a while, but he eventually manages to take down Von Talon. And even manages to use the waterwheel as a spanking machine!

Oh, the humiliation.

Valiant delivers the message to the Sergeant by channeling Rico from the Madagascar franchise and barfing it up (which means it's now covered in puke. Disgusting). Valiant and his pals are heroes, thousands of lives are saved, and because it's an animated movie from the 2000s we get a dance party ending.

And that's the story of how pigeons stopped Hitler.

What's the Verdict?

Honestly, I was pleasantly surprised to find that Valiant still holds up. Sure, the animation is mediocre, there are some painfully unfunny jokes, and the bumbling minion falcons can get annoying. But the film has heart to it that Happily N'Ever After and Space Chimps lack. It's a great premise for an animated film, too - a war movie told from the perspective of the messenger pigeons? I'm surprised it took until 2005 for us to get one of those. The majority of the characters are likeable (if one-dimensional), most of the jokes work, and, c'mon, how can you go wrong with a film that has Jim Broadbent, John Cleese, and Hugh Laurie lending their voices to it? So, all in all, while I would hardly call Valiant PIXAR-quality, I'd say it's worth watching at least once.

And hey, you've gotta give the filmmakers some credit - it's a movie about pigeons and yet I don't think there's a single "pigeons pooping on things" joke. They could've easily had one of the pigeons crap on a Nazi's head or something, but they didn't. That shows major restraint.