Let's Watch This: An Episode of "Bravestarr"

NOTE: Please do not take any of the little nitpicks in this review (or any of my other reviews, for that matter) seriously. I write these reviews in the hopes of making people laugh. Those nitpicks are really just dumb little observations that I'm attempting to make jokes out of, not complaints that add to whether or not I like something.

Filmation shut down in 1989. I'm not one hundred percent sure why the animation studio went under, but from my understanding, it has to do with its sale to Paravision International, which was part of L'Oreal... yes, the guys that make lipstick and shampoo. I have no idea how they wound up the owners of an animation studio. They didn't have any intent of producing new animated shows, they just wanted Filmation's pre-existing library and shut them down. Apparently, what also played a factor was Filmation's decision to start making unofficial sequels to Disney movies. They managed to make two - a sequel to Pinocchio and a sequel to Snow White - and were planning on doing unofficial sequels to Cinderella, Bambi, Sleeping Beauty, The Jungle Book, and Alice in Wonderland as well, but Disney caught wind of what they were up to and sued them. Filmation's justification was that these stories were mostly public domain and existed before Disney's adaptations, so technically it wasn't copyright infringement, but it was obvious what they were up to - Disney knew that they specifically wanted to trick people into believing that they were official sequels to Disney's adaptations.

Before Filmation's shutdown, however, they managed to get one more show out there. That show was called Bravestarr.

How was Bravestarr created? Apparently, the villain of the show, Tex Hex, was originally designed as a character for Filmation's Ghostbusters cartoon (we'll look at that show another time). The studio's founder, Lou Scheimer, liked the character so much that he suggested giving him his own show. The result: a show that aired in syndication from September 1987 to February 1988, with a total of sixty-five episodes.

Bravestarr combined the science fiction and western genres. The show took place on a planet called New Texas, whose chief export was a red mineral called Kerium. Tex Hex (voiced by Charlie Adler) and his gang want to get their hands on as much Kerium as possible. Fortunately, Marshall Bravestarr (voiced by Patrick Fraley) and his horse Thirty-Thirty (voiced by Ed Gilbert) are there to make sure they don't succeed. Raised by a mystic shaman creatively named Shaman (also Ed Gilbert), Bravestarr could call upon the power of "spirit animals" to do superhuman feats - "Eyes of the Hawk" for great eyesight, "Ears of the Wolf" for fantastic hearing, "Strength of the Bear" for super-strength, and "Speed of the Puma" for the ability to run so fast that he makes Speedy Gonzales look like Regular Gonzales.

I've never seen a single full episode of Bravestarr before - it went off the air long before I was born, and I never got any of the DVDs nor did I watch the reruns on Qubo or Retro Television. But what luck, you can find full episodes on YouTube! We'll be watching the tenth episode of the show, "Kerium Fever", to see if Bravestarr is worth checking out or not.

We start off in a canyon that looks like it was constructed in a game of Tetris before zooming in on the tiny town of Fort Kerium, where Bravestarr calls home. He's hanging out with his deputy, Fuzz (also Charlie Adler), a member of a species called the Prairie People - not quite humans, not quite prairie dogs, but something in-between. There's something about Fuzz that gives me the creeps. I can't put my finger on what, but I think it has to do with the fact that he looks too human to be an animal but too animal-like to be human. It's an Uncanny Valley sort of thing.

Do you remember that other 1980s cartoon The Littles? They're who Fuzz reminds me of.

A guy named Zeke shows up, and after a bit of dialogue between him and Bravestarr, he heads into the local cantina for a glass of "sweetwater" - a pink lemonade-resembling liquid and the most popular drink in New Texas. Unfortunately, since nobody in Fort Kerium has much in the way of money, he and the other bargoers have to share one glass of the stuff. I sure hope none of them have a head cold.

So THIS is where Dreamfinder wound up after getting kicked out of EPCOT...

"If we don't scratch some kerium soon, we gonna end up drinkin' lizard milk!" somebody complains. And do you know how difficult it is to milk a lizard? This is apparently the longest New Texas has been without somebody finding kerium. This is probably why it's a bad idea to base your entire planet's economy on one mineral.

Suddenly, in walk two more half-munchkin half-rodent creatures, and THEY have enough kerium to pay for some sweetwater. Upon seeing it, Zeke's eyes do this:

Well, that's not creepy at all, is it?

The bargoers demand to know where the Prairie People got the kerium, but because they say it in a very threatening manner, the Prairie People get scared and run out of the cantina. The bargoers give chase, but are promptly stopped by Bravestarr, Thirty-Thirty, Fuzz, and a character I didn't mention before: Judge J.B. McBride (Susan Blu), Fort Kerium's principal judge and lawyer and Bravestarr's possible love interest.

It weirds me out that the horse has fingers. Especially since his feet are regular hooves...

"We're starvin' and those got critters got Kerium and they ain't even human!" one of the bargoers snaps. "They don't need Kerium! Kerium's for REAL people!" another one declares. Ouch, science fiction racism. The bargoers draw their weapons, but Bravestarr ain't having any of that and uses "Strength of the Bear" to destroy their guns. But he doesn't arrest them, instead he just tells them to buzz off. Thirty-Thirty says that they've got Kerium Fever (hence the name of the episode), which makes folks go crazy. Kind of like politics, except with less arguing on the internet.

"They've got a fever, and the only prescription is more cowbell!"

Unfortunately, somebody ELSE knows about the Prairie People's supply of Kerium too - a spy for Tex Hex. His name is Cactus Head (also Patrick Fraley), so called because he wears a cactus for a hat, and he scampers back to Tex Hex's domain of the Badlands to fill him in as to what's going on. Tex Hex, of course, declares that he will steal it.

"Right after I find mah dentures!"

I should probably also introduce you to Tex Hex's other two henchmen. The one on Cactus Head's left who looks like the Mad Hatter and Madame Mim had a son who went down a dark path is Outlaw Scuzz (Alan Oppenheimer), a cousin of Fuzz and the only Prairie Person to be EEEEEEEE-VIL! And the tall robot with some sort of weapon for a hand and the snazzy yellow jacket is Thunderstick (Patrick Fraley again). Not pictured are the two other members of Tex Hex's gang, a red "sand walrus" that looks more reptillian than pinniped named Sandstorm (Lou Scheimer himself) who can spew sand out of his mouth and a snake woman named Vipra (also Susan Blu).

You wouldn't want to run into these three in a dark alley. Well, except maybe Scuzz - you
could probably just pull his hat down over his eyes and make a run for it.

To make sure Bravestarr is out of their hair, Tex Hex summons a little helicopter-y robot to spy on the people of Fort Kerium. And what does he find out? That those three bargoers are determined to find the Prairie People's supply of Kerrium, even if they risk igniting the wrath of Bravestarr. In fact, when Bravestarr walks into the cantina, they straight-up tell him that they're gonna make the Prairie People tell them where they found the Kerrium. They're not very smart, are they?

"Those stupid prospectors are gonna help me dig that Kerrium!" Tex Hex snarls. How? Because they're gonna declare war on the Prairie People. But first, we cut back to Fuzz moping about how those big meanies called his kind "critters", which is apparently some sort of racial slur. "You see, when things go wrong, some people just have to blame others. And they usually pick on somebody who can't protect himself," Bravestarr explains to him. Don't I know it, Bravestarr. Don't ANYONE who spends a lot of time on the internet nowadays know it.

Just then, Bravestarr hears the alarm from J.B.'s office going off. What looks like a Prairie Person burst into her office and holds her at gunpoint. I thought Scuzz was the only Prairie Person to be EEEEEEEEEEE-VIL.

"All this just because I said that your Jawa costume could 'use some work'?!"

Another Prairie Person appears to do battle with Bravestarr, Fuzz, and Thirty-Thirty while J.B. is kidnapped (because of course it's the GIRL who gets kidnapped, right? Prairie People are so sexist). Even with his "Speed of the Puma", Bravestarr can't stop them. "What nerve! Those blasted little critters took J.B.!" he snaps... right in front of Fuzz, who he knows considers the word "critters" to be a very hurtful Prairie Person racial slur.

To be fair, though, Bravestarr apologizes to Fuzz and assures him that he didn't mean what he said - he's not even convinced those guys were REAL Prairie People. But Zeke and those other two bargoers are convinced that they were indeed and that clearly all Prairie People are the scum of the Earth... er, the scum of New Texas... and that Bravestarr is a fool for defending them.

The two phony Prairie People send Bravestarr a message demanding that the humans deliver all the Kerium in town to them or they'll keep J.B. prisoner forever. So what do Zeke and the other two bargoers (maybe the names of the other two were revealed in another episode, I don't know) do? They say that they're going to drive them pesky varmints into the Badlands. I guess they're thinking that if they do, Tex Hex will eat them or something?

It's really hard to take a buff horse seriously. I keep wondering if he takes Horse Steroids.

"If I need you're help, I'LL ASK FOR IT," Bravestarr says, then he rides off on Thirty-Thirty to save the day. Meanwhile, in the Badlands, we get an explanation for why those Prairie People kidnapped J.B. - they're not real Prairie People, they're robots built by Tex Hex to make Prairie People look bad!

Wouldn't it make more sense to just use Scuzz? He's an actual Prairie Person and
the only one who happens to be EEEEEEEEEEE-VIL, after all...

They also have J.B. bound and gagged. Just wait until DeviantArt becomes a thing, J.B., you'll be having this happen to you more often. In fact, the reason why I'm not including a screencap of it is because I don't want to give the folks on that site ideas. Fortunately, J.B. is able to free herself from the ropes binding her via a convenient blast of light from the sun.

Back in Fort Kerium, Zeke and the other two bargoers - y'know what, I'm gonna call them Zeb and Zack - are REALLY getting paranoid, believing that Bravestarr wants all the Kerium for himself. So they decide to go out there and lay waste to the Prairie People themselves. Then we cut to the interior of the cantina, where some guy is talking to the bartender, Handlebar (also Alan Oppenheimer), about how in the past, whenever there was tension between the humans and the natives, the humans got blamed because there were less of them. J.B. sees this on the TV screen that Tex Hex was using to spy on the bargoers earlier with his helicopter-y robot - which Handlebar swats before she can hear them discuss how much Bravestarr has the hots for her. Sorry, J.B., your "will they or won't they?" thing with Bravestarr continues.

Also, Handlebar kind of sounds like ALF.

Tex Hex spots Zeke, Zeb, and Zack flying to the Prairie People's land on their motorcycle/robotic snails and gets all giddy. His plan is working perfectly... or at least it would be if J.B. weren't escaping. Fortunately for him, he can conjure up a vehicle of his own to give chase. He can also bring the bones of Broncosaurus (which seem to be some sort of bull/dinosaur hybrid animals... even though "bronco" generally refers to a horse, but maybe they couldn't think of a bovine-related pun) to life and have them attack her.

"I'd love to eat you, but I can't because I don't have a digestive tract. So instead, how about
I just stand here menacingly and hope you don't fly away?"

As luck would have it, Bravestarr and Thirty-Thiry show up and see J.B. being chased by the Broncosaur fossil and save her with the help of Bravestarr's magic lasso presumably on loan from Wonder Woman. Then, when Tex Hex shows up, Bravestarr shouts "STRENGTH OF THE BEAR!" and conjures up an axe, which he promptly throws at Tex Hex's vehicle, destroying it. "ANOTHER TIME, BRAVESTAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR!" Tex Hex roars before he vanishes. Now they just need to figure out how to stop Zeke, Zeb and Zack...

[Please start singing "Ride of the Valkyries" in a stereotypical cartoon prospector voice
while looking at this screencap]

Before the three lunatics can commit Prairie Peoplecide, Bravestarr and J.B. arrive to tell them that the Prairie People who kidnapped her were actually Tex Hex's robots. And then one of them just nonchalantly says, "Oops." Funniest moment in the episode by far.

Zeke, Zeb, and Zack feel guilty about their racism towards the Prairie People and apologize. But what's this? Fuzz is holding a gun, and he looks MAD. I'll be honest, I legitimately thought for a second that Fuzz was going to murder them, but of course he doesn't do that - instead, he uses the gun to blast a nearby rock, revealing that there's Kerium in it.

"This is the stuff they make Ring Pops out of!"

The episode ends with Bravestarr and the Shaman sitting around a campfire, discussing the moral of the episode: when things go wrong, don't just put the blame on someone else willy-nilly. Otherwise a crazy zombie in cowboy duds will take advantage of your prejudice and you'll learn a valuable lesson, after which you'll get what you wanted in the first place... okay, so the execution wasn't perfect.

What's the Verdict?

Evil cowboy zombies, buff horses, skeleton bull/dinosaur hybrids, a voice cast including people like Pat Fraley and Charlie Adler... why on Earth is Bravestarr not more popular? Seriously, why hasn't this gotten a reboot or something by now? I think the show's being made by Filmation probably scares people away - we tend to associate Filmation with cheap animation and corniness. But, as any fan of Hanna-Barbera can tell you, just because the animation isn't great doesn't necessarily mean that something is bad. Good writing can make up for lousy animation. And yeah, it's one of THOSE shows that lures you in with action and then shoves a moral in your face (there's also an episode about drugs, for example), but sometimes a moral needs to be taught. In today's world, I think the lesson of not blaming an entire race, nationality, etc. for the actions of one person, or something completely out of their control, is pretty important.

So, yeah. I recommend checking out Bravestarr. Like I said, you can find full episodes on YouTube. Go in with an open mind and you might find yourself liking it.

Further reading:
- Nothing But Cartoons' review of another episode
- An article about the show's development from 1986

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