Let's Watch This - An Episode of "My Gym Partner's a Monkey"

As I've said before, Cartoon Network was in a strange place during the 2000s. Classic cartoons - the reason why the channel was made in the first place - could only be found on Boomerang, and shows like The Powerpuff Girls and Johnny Bravo had come to an end, to be replaced by a mixed bag of children's programming. Remember Squirrel Boy? That show is from this era. Tickle U? Also from this era. And who can forget their attempt at launching into LIVE ACTION PROGRAMMING?

"Dude, what would happen... if Cartoon Network started airing live action programming?"
"Dude, that's a stupid idea. It's the CARTOON NETWORK. It's supposed to air CARTOONS."
"Dude, I don't care! There's money to be made here! Maybe. I don't know."

This eventually came to an end in 2010 with the premiere of Adventure Time, launching the channel into a new era of quality entertainment... that came to an end just a few years later. After 2013, Cartoon Network entered another "Dork Age". For example, they became obsessed with airing this show...

I admittedly think the hatred for this show is overblown, but yeah, it's pretty bad.

And then they unleashed THIS abomination onto the world...

This show is the reason I spent much of 2015 and 2016 hating Tom Kenny.
Yes, this show actually made me hate Tom Kenny for a while. I am not kidding.

And the shows they were airing that people actually LIKED - Adventure Time, Steven Universe, etc. - barely got any airtime. Boomerang wasn't doing so hot either, it started airing cartoons that were still airing on Cartoon Network (despite the fact that the whole point of Boomerang was for it to air shows that Cartoon Network wasn't airing anymore) and barely even aired much in the way of old cartoons. Remember when Boomerang aired Wally Gator cartoons? Yeah, me too.

But anyhow, back to the 2000s. 2006 (the same year that Squirrel Boy was unleashed onto the world) saw the premiere of a show called My Gym Partner's a Monkey.

I hate having to quote the Nostalgia Critic, but I have to say this: MONKEYS AREN'T FUNNY. Characters like, say, Mason and Phil from the Madagascar movies aren't funny simply because they're primates. And yet, since... I don't know, the 1960s... people have automatically assumed that "Primates = Instant Laughs". I'm guessing that's how this show got made (or at the very least why it's called My Gym Partner's a Monkey as opposed to My Gym Partner's a Wombat or My Gym Partner's a Coati or something like that).

The show's plot is this - Adam Lyon (voiced by Nika Futterman) once went to a perfectly normal middle school with human students, but then one day a spelling error results in people thinking that his surname is "Lion" and he gets sent to a school for animals. He befriends a gorilla named Windsor (Rick Gomez), a python named Slips (also Rick Gomez), a toucan named Lupe (Grey Griffin), a giraffe named Ingrid (also Grey Griffin), and a spidermonkey named Jake (voiced by Tom Kenny, because if it was made by Cartoon Network in the 2000s, there's a very good chance that Tom Kenny's in it. He even lent his voice to bumpers for that Tickle U thing). Episode plotlines include...

- Everyone thinking Slips is spreading a virus after he sheds his skin

- A platypus voiced by Gilbert Gottfried showing up at the school and being revealed to be an alien

- Adam getting scorn because his job requires him to wear a gorilla costume

- Jake getting sent to a school for plants (don't ask)

- And a parody of High School Musical for some reason

Yeah, it's a strange little show with three main sources of humor. In order, they are...

1) "Monkeys = Funny"

2) "Butts = Funny"

AND 3) "Characters Acting Like Idiots = Funny"

Despite all of this, the show was apparently popular enough that it got FOUR SEASONS. Maybe it's actually much better than it looks? Spoiler alert: NO. Why is the show less fun than a barrel of monkeys? Let's find out.

We'll be watching two episodes today: "Chew On This" and "The A Word".

After the theme song (which mainly consists of Adam trying to carry a tune and failing at it and Jake shouting "MONKEY! MONKEY! MONKEY!"), "Chew On This" begins with Adam waiting in line to get lunch from the cafeteria. The lunch lady, an elephant named Mrs. Tusk (Cree Summer), gives him a dirt and worms sandwich, but Adam turns her down. At the cafeteria table, Jake offers Adam some of HIS dirt and worms sandwich, but Adam turns him down too. "This cafeteria never has anything for ME to eat!" he complains.

Is it just me, or does Jake not look anything like an actual spider-monkey?
Honestly, I'm surprised that they even bothered to specify what species of monkey
he was at all...

Then we cut to Gym Class. The coach is a fish whose shtick is that she's a girl very obviously voiced by a man (Brian Doyle-Murray, to be precise). Because that's always funny, right? Though I will admit that Lupe getting hit with the punching bag did get a chuckle out of me, so there's that.

Adam is failing miserably at chin-ups (to be fair, though, chin-ups are HARD). He admits to Coach Bryan Doyle-Murray that he's feeling a bit lightheaded, which gets the coach all worked up. "CODE BLUE! CODE BLUE!" he shouts into a megaphone, and soon Adam is in the nurse's office.

In the Nurse's office, the nurse (Grey Griffin) gets worked up when Adam admits that he didn't eat lunch that day and claims that he has an eating disorder. Then Adam is sent to the office of the school's guidance counselor, Mr. Mandrill (Maurice LaMarche). "I'm just not gonna eat twigs and bugs for lunch!" he tells Mr. Mandrill, which gets Mr. Mandrill all worked up, too. "He's on a hunger strike!" Mr. Mandrill exclaims. Then Adam winds up in the principal's office, where Principal Pixiefrog (also Maurice LaMarche) responds to Adam's saying that he doesn't want to cause any trouble, he just wants to be able to eat SOMETHING at lunch by - of course - getting all worked up because he thinks ADAM IS PLANNING TO SUE THE SCHOOL. I am not making that up.

Soon, the lunch menu in the cafeteria looks like this...

Quick question - are any of the students at this school COWS? If so, I really hope
none of them look into what the hamburgers in the cafeteria are made of...

Adam is ecstatic that the cafeteria is finally serving things that he can eat, but the other students aren't as thrilled. Jake eats his empty tray. Adam is all "How can you know that it's bad if you haven't even tried it?" to which Jake shouts, "OKAY! KNOCK OFF WITH YOUR PEER PRESSURE, MR. PEER PRESSURE MAN!" and tries a bite. After that, he faints... and then yells, "WHOAAAAAAAAA! THAT'S DELICIOUS!" Why must Jake shout everything that he says? SHOUTING EVERYTHING IS NOT FUNNY EITHER.
So the other animals try their food, too, and they love it. Of course, now ADAM doesn't have any food, and when he goes to get more, Mrs. Tusk tells him that they're sold out. Wah wah wah wah wah...

Adam then runs into Principal Pixiefrog. He's all "So you're not going to sue us now, right?" To which Adam says, "Lawsuits? I just want a corn dog." This freaks Principal Pixiefrog out, and he gives Adam HIS corndogs and runs off shouting, "DON'T SUE US!"

"I'm merrily on my way to nowhere in particular!"

In Gym Class, we see that everyone is now very, very fat. The shark looks like Jabba the Hutt, Lupe looks like that boomerang bird from Angry Birds, and Jake burps because this was the 2000s, when we all became convinced that burping was automatically hilarious. Adam is the only student in the school who's not morbidly obese. Chairs are being broken, for crying out loud. Jake even falls through the floor - but he's okay. "The tremendous girth of my massive bottom broke my fall!" he tells Adam.

Then everyone in the school wants some of Adam's potato tots. Thus, we get that whole "everybody marches towards the main character chanting like zombies" cliche. Adam gets an idea - he climbs up a vine and tells the fatties that the first animal to climb up after him can have his tater tots. "EVERYBODY GRAB A VINE! WE'LL PULL THE CEILING DOWN TO GET THOSE TOTS!" Jake yells. So everyone tries that. But then Adam points out that if the ceiling falls, they'll all get hurt, and the school will get sued. This snaps Principal Pixiefrog out of his junk food-addicted craziness and he tells the other animals to stop.

Adam then says that there should be no more human food in the cafeteria. Principal Pixiefrog agrees... but only if Adam gives him his tater tots. Then Adam makes this face:

I'm not going to say that this should be a meme. It's not funny enough to be one.

Soon everyone is outside, running off all that excess fat. Except for Jake, who has enslaved Adam. Ha ha?

I was not expecting to see THIS in that Planet of the Apes reboot...

And the episode ends with a close-up shot of Principal Pixiefrog's giant rear end. Don't worry, I'll spare you the screencap.

Next up, it's "The A Word".

Adam has an autographed poster of some pop star named "Truffles Duvall" and he thinks that Jake is going to "go bananas" (get it?) when he shows it to him. He wins up running into that shark I mentioned before - his name is Bull Sharkowzki, by the way (and he's voiced by Phil LaMarr) - who gets all agitated and prepares to beat the crap out of Adam.

Then we cut to Jake. He sings one of Truffles' songs and then starts flirting with a poster of her. Adam then shows up, and we see that Bull did indeed beat the crap out of him. AND took his poster. "You really need to learn to stand up for yourself, man!" Jake says. Then Jake, because he's an idiot, promptly forgets that Adam just got beaten up and asks Adam what's new with him. "Jake, I got beat-up by Bull Sharkowzki! All I did was accidentally bump into him and he totally went ape on me!" Adam yells.

Jake becomes depressed because Adam used the phrase "went ape". Why does he care? He's a monkey, not an ape. Anyhow, Jake runs off sobbing and then Lupe and Ingrid show up. Lupe explains to Adam that Jake is "muy sensitivo" and Ingrid suggests that Adam apologize to Jake. Thus, Adam goes off to apologize. Then Lupe yells at Ingrid for hogging the conversation or whatever.
Adam finds Jake and apologizes, but Jake is STILL ungodly depressed. And he makes this face:

Seriously, UGHHHHHH...

Jake tells Adam that now he has a NEW best friend. Specifically, a football. "He actually CARES about my feelings!" Jake insists. "You're really starting to freak me out, Jake," Adam replies (well, that makes two of us). Then Jake pelts Adam with the football.

When Adam wakes up, he finds a flyer with Jake's image on it reading "WANNA BE MY NEW BEST FRIEND? ASK ME HOW." In fact, there are flyers like that all over the school grounds. He runs into Ingrid and Lupe, who are standing in line for the audition to be Jake's best friend (apparently things didn't work out with the football). Ingrid tells Adam that he really let Jake down, even though ADAM MADE AN HONEST MISTAKE AND APOLOGIZED TO JAKE, ONLY FOR JAKE TO REJECT HIS APOLOGY. It's not Adam's fault Jake is an over-dramatic lunatic.

Anyhow, Ingrid goes on to say that it's probably just not in Adam's human nature to realize that animals have feelings too. Adam then starts crying even though, again, Jake is being incredibly over-dramatic. Again, I don't even know why Jake cares - he is not an ape. He is a monkey. I mean, yeah, they're both primates, but so are humans, and we don't care if people use the phrase "went ape".

Also auditioning to be Jake's best friend is a zebra who offers him a Truffles DuVall tank top. This gives Adam an idea as to how to become Jake's best friend again. At this point, I'm not sure why Adam even WANTS to be Jake's best friend again.

Wow, Marty from Madagascar was a real dweeb back in middle school...

Adam's plan is to get back that autographed poster from the beginning of the episode. He thinks that Bull took it after beating him up, so he goes to find Bull - and gets beaten up again (offscreen). But he got the poster back! Even though it's now in two pieces. There's just one problem: Bull wrote "I HATE TRUFFLES DUVALL AND GRRRL POWER STINKS" on the poster, and Jake thinks that Adam wrote it. Then Jake makes this face...

Again, I say UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGH...

And then he makes THIS face...

Double UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGH...

Jake announces that he never wants to see Adam again, and then an elephant who sounds exactly like Hermes from Futurama throws Adam out of the line. Lupe tells Adam that he needs to learn to take "No" for an answer. Yeah, or maybe Jake needs to learn to let Adam EXPLAIN and not just jump to conclusions. Ingrid says that she can't think of anything that Adam could POSSIBLY do to make Jake like him again - aside from introducing Jake to Truffles Duvall herself, that is. This gives Adam an idea.

I was expecting Adam to actually find Truffles Duvall and introduce Jake to her, but that's not what he does. Instead, he dresses up like Truffles Duvall. Because I really needed to see Adam in drag. Thank you for that. Adam as Truffles Duvall claims that Adam called her and asked her to tell Jake that he's his best friend and that he's very very very very very sorry and blah-blah-blah. But Jake realizes that Adam doesn't SMELL like Truffles Duvall and attacks him, putting two and two together and realizing that it's, in fact, Adam.

Adam tells Jake to just accept his stupid apology already and that he didn't know that "going ape" was considered an insult. Then Jake tells Adam that he doesn't consider "going ape" to be an insult - it's "the ultimate monkey compliment". He was just jealous that Adam said it about Bull and not him. Why he didn't just EXPLAIN THAT TO ADAM BEFORE, I don't know.

Adam is understandably furious that he went through all that for such an incredibly stupid reason and announces that Jake is no longer HIS best friend. So then the episode ends with Jake groveling to Adam and Adam telling him to go away. OH THE IRONY!

What's the Verdict?

Jeez, was that dull. I can't think of one positive thing about it. The jokes are not funny. The characters range from really annoying to just straight-up boring. Tom Kenny and Grey Griffin sound like they're just going through the motions here. Even Maurice LaMarche isn't bringing anything to his characters. Maybe all three noticed how awful the scripts were and didn't think it was worth the effort?

The show throws every cliché from every other show on Cartoon Network at the time at the viewer in the hopes of getting a laugh out of the viewer, and it doesn't work. It's just a dull, dull show with nothing that helps it stand out from any of the other shows that Cartoon Network was crapping out.

And now, to end this review on a positive note, here's a clip from a Cartoon Network show starring a monkey that's actually, you know, GOOD:

Let's Watch This - An Episode of "Wild West C.O.W.-Boys of Moo Mesa"

Remember how back in my review of Road Rovers, I said that I would review a cartoon called Wild West C.O.W.-Boys of Moo Mesa? Well, guess what we're reviewing today!

Soooooooooo, what IS Wild West C.O.W.-Boys of Moo Mesa? Well, the show was created by comic book writer and artist Ryan Brown, who's best known for his work on the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles comics. It premiered on ABC in 1992 and ran for two seasons, each one consisting of twenty-six episode. Then for a while, reruns aired on Toon Disney. What's the show about? Well, here's a picture of our main characters:

They're cows. They're anthropomorphic cows. They're dressed like cowboys. There you go. It's a show about anthropomorphic cows that are cowboys.

Okay, so there's more to the show than that. As the theme song explains, a comet - I mean, a "cow-met" - landed in the Southwestern United States, and everything on the mesa that it created was "cow-metized" by the light and evolved into a "bovipomorphic" state - in other words, now they can walk around on their hind legs, they can talk, they wear clothes, they presumably can also solve complex math problems, stuff like that. And they decided to create a city called "Moo Mesa" and act like humans did in the old west. There. Now you're all caught up.

But is the show any good? I don't know, I've never watched a single episode until now. So we'll be watching an episode of the show today.

That episode is known as "Dances With Bulls". How can anybody dance with bulls? They've got two left feet!









I know, I know, but I just couldn't resist.

There's a swingin' party goin' on down at the local saloon. Four sheep who look like rejected Chuck E. Cheese animatronics are playing music on the stage, Mayor Bulloney is excited because he's just been re-elected, and the buffet is all-you-can-eat (for just two bits).

This is Mayor Bulloney. Is it just me, or does he look less like a bull and more like
a purple rabbit with horns?

However, the townsfolk ain't happy - the mayor has taken a page from Prince John's book and taxed them 'til they didn't have any more money. The mayor insists that the money he took from them is going to help the poor and needy and blah-blah-blah, but that's a load of bullcrap (get it?). In the backroom, we see three shady-lookin' fellas counting the money. There's a big red bull (voiced by Joe Piscopo), a buzzard in a nice suit and a top hat, and a giant scorpion. And the red bull's name is - get ready for this - Sheriff Terrorbull. I think even Fozzie Bear would find that pun awful.

"It sure was nice of the mayor to give us all the money he taxed out of the townsfolk
just for the heck of it!"

And because it's a cartoon, the buzzard (voiced by Danny Mann) looks more like a vulture than a buzzard. This is what a buzzard looks like:

Now, here's the buzzard in this show plus some more cartoon buzzards:

Do all animators just think that buzzards and vultures are the same thing or something?

The giant scorpion is in my opinion the best of the three shady-lookin' fellas. Why? Because he's voiced by Jim Cummings. Obviously.

I also like his design. He kinda reminds me of Pepe the King Prawn from The Muppets.

A female cow named Lily (Charity James) - who looks more like a human being with some cow features than an actual cow - is greeted outside the saloon by Marshall Moo Montana (Patrick Fraley) atop his non-anthropomorphic horse, which is weird considering that one of the townsfolk we've seen thus far was an anthropomorphic horse (or maybe it was a donkey or a mule, but still). Isn't that kind of weird? Why are there both anthropomorphic and non-anthropomorphic horses? Are there also non-anthropomorphic cows, too?

Marshall's not heading inside the saloon because he just heard about some cattle rustlers a-rustlin' nearby. But he does give Lily a burlap hat as a birthday present. She thinks it's hideous, but like she says, it's the thought that counts.

Inside the saloon, another female cow named Cowlamity Kate (Kay Lenz) - which is an even LOUSIER pun - tries to improve the hat by adding Lily's grandmother's brooch to it. She, too, looks less like a cow and more like a human being with a cow's face.

In fact, she kind of looks like Francine from Arthur...

But then the party is interrupted by... Bill the Lizard from Alice in Wonderland and his brothers!

Look at the expression that the one on the left has right now. That's an
"I'm an idiot" expression right there.

Actually, these guys I guess are supposed to be Gila Monsters (despite the fact that they don't look anything like actual Gila Monsters), seeing as a pig who looks like Porky in cowboy garb calls them the "Gila Hooligans". They're the kind of bandits who'll demand that you hand over your stuff to them, but do it in a polite fashion. And the leader has a Shere Khan-esque voice that I believe is ALSO provided by Jim Cummings, but I could be wrong.

"This is an outraaaaaaaaaaage!" the mayor complains. The Gila Monsters steal Lily's brooch - and her hat - then apologize to the mayor for any inconvenience that they've caused. The three shady fellas from before - you know, Terrorbull, the buzzard and the giant scorpion - emerge from the backroom and try to fight the Gila Monsters, but they don't have much luck.

The Gila Monsters leave, and the townsfolk run out after them. The mayor isn't going to let those reptiles walk off with the money that HE stole from the townsfolk and therefore is legally his. "There's only one bull in Cowtown who can return my cash and bring those desperados to justice!" he says. "I need the strongest, the bravest, the most trustworthy bull alive!" That bull is Marshall Moo Montana. Terrorbull is all, "But I can catch those lizards no problem!" but the mayor's all "I want this job done RIGHT. Get me Marshall Moo Montana!"

We then cut to the three titular C.O.W.-Boys overlooking the desert. "If I know anything about gilas, it's that they're shady characters who like the heat!" Marshall Moo Montana says. Dakota, who's ALSO voiced by Jim Cummings (which automatically makes him awesome), goes "Yup."

"Quick-Draw McGraw can suck it. I'M the best anthropomorphic farm animal
cowboy in all of animation!"
(I'm just joking, of course. Quick-Draw rules)

"So what's the plan, Marshall?" Tenderfoot (Jeff Bennett) asks. "I'll search north. You and Dakota ride east," Marshall Moo Montana replies. They'll meet up at the Dry Heat Well. So they ride off, but little do they know that they're being WATCHED!

Specifically, they're being watched by the Terrorbull, the buzzard and the scorpion of unusual size. Terrorbull tells the buzzard and the scorpion to follow Dakota and Tenderfoot. "If Montana thinks he's gonna humiliate me by catching those hooligans first," he growls, "He's got another thing coming!"

We then cut to the Gila Monsters just chillin' in the middle of the desert. Both Montana and Terrorbull are watching them from behind rocks. Oh yeah, and one of the Gila Monsters sounds like Wakko Warner. I don't know if it's Jess Harnell or not, just thought I would point that out...

Montana emerges from behind the rock with his gun in the air, and he's all "You're gonna be behind bars!" Then Terrorbull is all, "NOT SO FAST, MONTANA! I'M gonna bring these guys to justice!" But the Gila Monsters are able to outwit them, tie them up, and leave them in the middle of the desert where they'll be roasted by the scorching heat. And then it's off to McDonald's with them!

Terrorbull blames Montana for the mess that they've gotten themselves in. However, Montana points out that he punctured a hole in one of the Gila Monsters' saddlebags, and as a result coins and jewels have spilled out. They'll use those coins and jewels to find the Gila Monsters. Terrorbull has other ideas, though - he tries to make a boulder fall on top of them in the hopes that it'll free them, but the boulder misses - which is for the best, in my opinion, because I think that had it fallen on them the result wouldn't have been two freed cows but rather two squashed cows. Hasn't the red bull seen any Wile E. Coyote cartoons?

Montana insists that they've gotta work together - and he's got a plan. Terrorbull's all "NO WAY!", but then he sees non-anthropomorphic buzzards circling overhead (bringing us back to the whole "there are anthropomorphic horses AND non-anthropomorphic horses? Isn't that weird?" thing from before) and he changes his mind. The plan, as it turns out, involves them dancing. Don't ask.

"This is, without a doubt, THE strangest date that I have ever been on."

I'm just now realizing that this is why the episode is called "Dances With Bulls".

Then we cut to Tenderfoot playing a guitar and singing about how the sun is too dang hot. He and Dakota are concerned because Montana still hasn't shown up. Tenderfoot asks to climb onto Dakota's shoulders so he can get a closer look, but instead Dakota lifts him up by one of his horns. As a result, Tenderfoot spots Montana and Terrorbull rehearsing for Dancing With the Steers (get it? It's like Dancing With the Stars, but it's... yeah, okay, that joke wasn't very funny) - and there are storm clouds arriving in the area! So they hop aboard their horses and ride off to help Montana.

Meanwhile, Montana and Terrorbull are sweltering in the heat. Then we hear Jim Cummings singing about the situation. Why, I don't know, but I'm not going to complain that we get to hear Jim Cummings sing. It's a well-known fact that if something has Jim Cummings singing in it, it's automatically a hundred times better.

Anyway, Terrorbull starts hallucinating. He sees a cactus as a fountain (which results in the predictable "ha ha, he just sat on a cactus" gag) and a signpost as a giant ice pop (and promptly gets splinters in his tongue. OUCH!).

"Duh, giant ice pop!"

Then we see what the buzzard and the giant scorpion are up to. There's a twister headin' their way. However, the scorpion isn't afraid of any stupid twister - he's more concerned about what Terrorbull will do to them if they don't catch those C.O.W.-Boys. Guess he's never seen The Wizard of Ox (get it? It's like The Wizard of Oz but... yeah, okay, that joke wasn't very funny either)...

Then we cut back to the saloon. The mayor's ticked-off that Montana hasn't returned with the money, but Lily insists that he'll be back.

Back to Montana and his dance partner. They see the twister coming their way and Montana comes up with a plan that just winds up causing them to fall into the river. Fortunately, Tenderfoot and Dakota overhear them and Dakota's able to get them out.

And now, here's a screencap of Dakota for no other reason than because we haven't had one yet:

I think he's my favorite character in the cartoon.

Then Montana and Terrorbull spot the Gila Monsters robbing a stagecoach. After the horse helps Montana get his gun, he and Terrorbull try to stop the Gila Monsters, only for the leader to point out that it's three against one. Well, actually, it's three against two, but then again, Terrorbull doesn't have a gun, so maybe they're not counting him?

Montana uses his gun to help him and Terrorbull get free. Now it really IS three against two... no, make that three against FOUR, as Tenderfoot and Dakota show up. And then the buzzard and the giant scorpion show up too, so it's three against SIX! And the leader of the Gila Monsters makes this pose that reminds me of Marvin the Martian.

"You're making me VERY angry... very, VERY angry..."

Long story short, they defeat the Gila Monsters. Dakota continues to be awesome. The townsfolk get their money back, which ticks off the mayor because he thinks that money is HIS. Terrorbull does this:

"Y U MAD, MAYOR?"

Lily gets her brooch - and her hat - back. Everyone's happy. Well, except the Gila Monsters, presumably. The end.

So, that was Wild West C.O.W.-Boys of Moo Mesa. It was alright. Not great, but alright. The characters are all tolerable enough, though I'm kind of miffed that Tenderfoot and Dakota didn't get more to do. Especially Dakota. He's awesome. The voice actors all do a good job, with Jim Cummings per usual stealing the show. I don't really have any complaints, I just found the show just okay.

Before we end this review, I suppose I'd better make this obvious but pretty much mandatory (since it's about cows) joke:

It needed more cowbell.

Yeah, yeah, I know, I know...

Let's Watch This - An Episode of "Mighty Max"

In 1993, animation was more popular than ever. It was this year that gave us such beloved shows as Animaniacs, Bonkers, 2 Stupid Dogs, Beavis and Butt-Head, The Animals of Farthing Wood, Rocko's Modern Life, and TWO Sonic the Hedgehog cartoons. It was also this year that the first Veggietales video was released. And in theaters, we saw the release of The Nightmare Before Christmas, Batman: Mask of the Phantasm... which was a box office bomb, admittedly... but hey, we also got, uh... what other animated movies were released in 1993?

Uh, okay... anything else?

Well, okay, maybe 1993 wasn't such a great year for animated MOVIES*, but it was a fantastic year for animated TV SHOWS. And today, we're gonna take a look at a cartoon from 1993 that is fondly remembered but didn't become a huge hit: Mighty Max.

What's the premise? Well, apparently, this kid named Max gets a small statue of a bird one day in the mail. It's inscribed with Egyptian hieroglyphs that translates to, essentially, "Congratulations, kid. You're the Chosen One. Go to the mini-mall and wait for a sign." Max is so shocked that he drops the statue, and inside as it turns out was a magic baseball cap that allows Max to travel through space and time. Long story short, he winds up meeting a magic fowl named Virgil and a viking named Norman. They travel around the world being awesome and defending the Earth from an evil dude named Skullmaster. The show features the talents of Corey Burton, Tim Curry, Tony Jay, Tress MacNeille, Frank Welker, and Rob Paulsen as the voice of Mighty Max himself.

Why didn't this show become a bigger hit? I honestly have no idea. I mean, it doesn't even have a DVD release (yet, anyway). Apparently, the merchandise was more popular than the show itself. Let's watch an episode of this show so we can figure out why it didn't become as successful as some other 1993 cartoons.

The episode that we'll be watching is called "Tar Wars". You know, just like that gag in the movie adaptation of The Flintstones? When they're entering the drive-in at the beginning and there's a poster reading "Now Showing: TAR WARS" outside? And in the Nostalgia Critic's review of it, he complains that he wants to watch "Tar Wars" instead? Remember that?

Well, anyway, here's the episode...

The episode begins at the La Brea Tar Pits, a place that I have never been to because I don't live in California or anywhere even remotely close to California. Right next to it is a construction site where they're building a subway.

No, no, the underground train type of subway, not the sandwich shop type of subway.

Apparently, they're building the subway so that it'll go under the La Brea Tar Pits, despite the fact that as one of the construction guys points out no way anything's gonna break through a million years of tar and solid granite. Of course, immediately after the guy says that, something does indeed break through the tar and solid granite - this thing!

"Like, zoinks, Scoob! It's Bigfoot!"

Cut to Max in Hollywood. Like I said before, Max is voiced by Rob Paulsen. And while I love Rob Paulsen as much as the next guy, I will admit, I find it kind of weird that this character who's supposed to be a kid has the exact same voice - or at least a very similar voice - that Rob gave Raphael, a TEENAGE Mutant Ninja Turtle. It's not as bad as, I dunno, when DreamWorks cast Rihanna as a little girl... or when they cast Kevin Hart as a kid... or when Disney cast Sarah Silverman as a little girl... but it's still kind of off-putting. Did they TELL Rob not to sound younger or something?

Anyhow, Max is talking to his mom (Tress MacNeille) on the phone. She wants him to meet her at the museum where I guess she works. But first, he sees Clint Eastwood... only to find out that it's just a cardboard cutout of him.

Or rather, a cardboard cutout of a crappy caricature of him...

Oh, wait, but it turns out one of them ISN'T a cardboard cutout! It's the real deal! But I'm not sure which celebrity it's supposed to be... Max does an Arnold Schwartzenegger impression as he leaves, so I'm GUESSING it's Arnold Schwartzenegger, but I could be wrong.

"Well, might as well go save the world. Probably aren't any movie stars around here anyway," Max says. So he uses his hat to teleport to the La Brea Tar Pits, and almost falls in one only to get saved by Norman (Richard Moll). Virgil (Tony Jay) is there too, and he tells Max that "Danger is near." Max asks in a stupid accent what it is this time that they have to fight, then after some construction guys run out of a large pipe screaming about how there's a monster or a demon or a beast or something starts boasting about how he shall face evil and battle the unknown and blah-blah-blah.

Then Max's mom shows up. "Of all the tar pits of all the cities in the world, she has to walk into MINE," Max quips. It's a reference to Casablanca. Because... that's a movie that exists, right?

Quick question - if Norman's supposed to be a viking, why doesn't he have a
viking helmet? You've gotta dress for the part, Norman!

They all go into the pipe and find a large hole that the whatever-it-is that came out of the tar and granite emerged from. And inside that hole is a cavern.

Shouldn't there be a Fraggle around here somewhere?

"I don't think any movie stars live in this part of town," Max says as they all explore the cavern. Max's mom asks what it is that they're looking for. Virgil says that he doesn't know, but he's sure that they'll recognize it when they find it. They find some cave paintings which Max's mom identifies from being from the Mesesoic Era. Then they find a big ribcage and Max says, "Maybe whoever lived down here ran a rib joint!"

Why is it that every line Max has is so cringe-worthy? Seriously, I should like this character... I mean, he's voiced by Rob Paulsen! But so far, I just find him annoying.

By the way, the mom is lagging behind, and she winds up encountering the whatever-it-is. The others hear her yelling and rush to the rescue.

Here's a screencap of Virgil. In my opinion, he's the best character on the show.

They find the mom, and then the whatever-it-is jumps out at Max.

There's something about this screencap that's making me uncomfortable...

"If I'm not mistaken, and I rarely am, he is neanderthal, a living specimen of human history," Virgil says. Norman decides to battle the neanderthal (voiced by Ron Perlman), and they have themselves a little brawl... and by that, I mean Norman gets his rear end handed to him.

"BAMM-BAMM! BAMM-BAMM! BAMM-BAMM!"

Virgil comments, "He appears to have superhuman strength. Perhaps Norman is in over his head." Normally I would say "No, ya THINK?", but I'm not gonna do that. Virgil is just too awesome.

But then the Neanderthal saves Max's mom from a falling boulder. Turns out he's not a monster, just misunderstood. He offers Max dinner, but Max says that he's "trying to cut down on million-year-old mammoth meat."

Dang it, now I want one of those Turkey Legs that they sell at Disney World...

"We must communicate with this caveman to learn what is happening here!" Virgil the Bird of Awesomeness says. Max then asks the caveman NOT what is happening here but rather what Betty Rubble does to keep her shapely figure. Fortunately, Virgil can communicate with the caveman. He's just that awesome. Oh, and the caveman's name is Gorr. I think. I could've spelled it wrong. Max, of course, makes ANOTHER reference to The Flintstones by calling him "Fred".

Max's mom points out the cave paintings. "They seem to tell a story," she says. "Perhaps this is the clue we've been searching for," Virgil suggests. And because he's awesome, he manages to translate the cave paintings for the audience - a million years ago, a strange meteor landed in the tar pits, and it gave Gorr immortality and incredible strength.

But the meteor gave these same powers to something else... specifically, a saber-toothed tiger that presumably just so happened to be nearby. And guess what emerges from the darkness?

Here we see some high school's mascot showing off how much cooler it is than
OTHER high schools' mascots.

Gorr and the saber-toothed tiger start going at it. Norman helps out, too, but eventually they all decide that the tiger is unstoppable and make a run for it. Eventually, Max gets an idea - once they're outside, they find a giant rock and use it to block the entrance to the pipe before the tiger can follow them out. Too bad the tiger just breaks through the rock as though he's the Kool-Aid Man or something. D'oh.

The tiger runs off towards the city, and Virgil points out that they must stop it before it... I don't know, eats Brad Pitt or something. They won't be able to run as fast as him, so they hail a taxi. I like how the taxi driver isn't at all freaked-out that there's a caveman and a saber-toothed tiger in modern times. Maybe he thought Gorr was just some guy in a costume or something?

The taxi driver's voiced by Rob Paulsen too, by the way. He also voices one of
the construction workers at the beginning.

Eventually, Gorr decides to just chase the saber-toothed tiger on foot. Then we cut to... this.

Are these guys supposed to be caricatures too?

Anyhow, they follow the tiger to a hotel. Gorr battles with it some more, Max makes a reference to Guns 'n' Roses, the tiger climbs a curtain and jumps on a chandelier, which promptly falls to the ground (why do chandeliers in cartoons always fall to the ground?), and eventually the tiger runs off, Gnorr in hot pursuit, to an amusement park called "Galaxy World". Virgil suggests that maybe the park is the tiger's old hunting ground.

They go on this attraction called "Pigzilla", starring what appears to be a cross between a wild boar and a dinosaur... and a dragon, considering it has fire breath. In Galaxy World, the pork roasts YOU!

"I'M guh-geh-eh-guh-geh-GOING TO DESTROY YOUR CITY, puh-peh-eh-puh-
peh-PUNY HUMANS! Eh-buh-dee-eh-buh-dee-eh-buh-dee-THAT'S ALL, FOLKS!"

Max refers to the tiger as "Tony the Tiger", which makes me hungry for Frosted Flakes. Then the tiger pounces from the top of Pigzilla's head and we get more tiger-battling. Eventually, Max runs into Gorr, who whacks the tiger with his club... into C-3PO and R2D2. I'm not kidding. C-3PO and R2D2 show up!

Well, okay, it's not ACTUALLY THEM... it's just a pair of robots that look very
much like C-3PO and R2D2. But come on, no way is that a coincidence. This HAS
to be a reference to Star Wars.

The tiger gets distracted by a projected comet, and while flash photos are being taken it runs off. Max is all "We've gotta find him!" and then Virgil points out that even if they do, how will they stop him? It's pretty much invulnerable! But Max has a plan...

We're back at the La Brea Tar Pits. Max uses a construction vehicle called a "loader" (the one with the big shovel at the front of it) to dig that meteor that caused this whole mess out of the tar. It attracts the tiger, and then... get ready for this... a bunch of mammoth skeletons emerge from the tar. Max breaks something in the loader and that causes the meteor to fall back into the tar. And that causes the mammoth skeletons to fall apart and slide back into the tar - Max's plan has been, to put it bluntly, an epic fail.

Gorr saves Max from being saber-toothed tiger food, and he and the tiger fall into the tar pit. "He was probably the world's first superhero..." Max says. Virgil agrees, but tells Max that Gorr lives on, protecting the world from the unstoppable saber-toothed tiger. "And I thought I had a tough job," Max says.

Then we cut to Max sitting in a chair by the pool talking to somebody named "Felix" on the phone. Really? That's it? That's how it ends? With Max still complaining about his not seeing any movie stars? Really?

Okay, that actually isn't how it ends... we then get Max telling us that the La Brea Tar Pits actually DO exist, they're the result of crude oil making it to the surface or something like that. A bunch of fossils have been uncovered there, including those of a saber-toothed tiger. Max then jokes that if only braces had been invented back then, nyuck nyuck nyuck. The end.

Well, that was... okay. The jokes weren't funny, but that's my only real complaint... well, that and the episode did drag a little. Just when you think they're finally gonna defeat that tiger, it turns out - nope, we've gotta keep the episode going for a few minutes longer. Also, the ending sucked. And Max is annoying. But hey, it had Virgil. He's awesome. Though he's an owl in a robe with the voice of Frollo, so I guess that's to be expected. Would I recommend watching it? Uh, maybe... if you like action cartoons, I guess.

Let it go, random dinosaur. Let it go...

* Once Upon a Forest, for what it's worth, really isn't that bad of a movie. But it WAS a flop (though that's mainly because it was released around the same time as Jurassic Park), so...