Let's Watch This: An Episode of "Jabberjaw"

I've said this before, and I'll say it again. When something in animation is successful, people in animation WILL make the effort to cash-in on it. There are many, many examples of this.

For example, I've already gone into detail about the multiple cartoons that were created to cash-in on the success of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (such as Road Rovers, Street Sharks, and Biker Mice From Mars). And when Muppet Babies was a success, we got a slew of cartoons that ALSO turned some random cartoon characters into children (Baby Looney Tunes, The Flintstones Kids, Jungle Cubs, and Tom and Jerry Kids to name a few). The success of Disney's animated films released during what is commonly referred to as "The Disney Renaissance" (all of them from The Little Mermaid through Tarzan with the possible exception of The Rescuers Down Under) spawned animated films from other studios desperately trying to ape their style (Anastasia, Thumbelina, Quest For Camelot, etc.), which rarely worked out for them. But perhaps the most infamous example of this is the trend of Scooby-Doo clones.

So before we get to the show that we'll be doing today, we'll need to talk about Scooby-Doo.

Scooby-Doo, Where Are You? premiered in 1969, and it was a huge success. People loved those meddling kids and their dog. So Hanna-Barbera, the very company that created the series, came up with an idea - they could make a bunch of shows just like it, which would mean MORE of that success. Thus, over the years they created show upon show with what was basically the exact same premise as Scooby-Doo: some teenagers and something out of the ordinary (like a talking animal) doing stuff - as did Ruby-Spears, the animation company formed by Scooby's creators Joe Ruby and Ken Spears. I remember Boomerang used to have a whole PROGRAMMING BLOCK for shows like that. Among those shows were Josie and the Pussycats, The Funky Phantom, The Amazing Chan and the Chan Clan, Speed Buggy, Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kids, Goober and the Ghost Chasers, Clue Club, Captain Caveman and the Teen Angels, The Buford Files, The Galloping Ghost, The New Shmoo, Fangface, and - of course - the show that I'm going to be looking at today... a show called Jabberjaw.

Jabberjaw was a twofer - it wasn't just made to cash-in on the success of Scooby-Doo, it was also made to cash-in on the success of Jaws. The show took place in the year 2076, where there are cities underwater and also a lot of lunatics who want to take over the world. Fortunately, a rock band called the Neptunes is on hand to take them down. The Neptunes consist of Fred knockoff Biff (voiced by Tommy Cook), Shaggy clone Clamhead (Barry Gordon), and two girls named Shelly (Pat Parris) and Bubbles (Julie McWhirter) who were actually clones of Alexandra and Melody from Josie and the Pussycats rather than Daphne and Velma. The star of the show, of course, was the band's drummer, a great white shark named Jabberjaw voiced by Frank Welker doing a Curly Howard impression. Jabberjaw could breathe air, walk using his tailfins, and of course talk to humans. Much like Rodney Dangerfield, he got no respect.

The show premiered in the September of 1976 and lasted only sixteen episodes. Fortunately, Jabberjaw went on to appear in other shows (particularly Jellystone!, but the less said about that show the better), and is nowadays one of the more well-known Scooby-Doo knockoffs. Is the show itself any good? Well, I watched an episode of Speed Buggy in 2020 and liked it. Maybe I'll be pleasantly surprised here too.

So, which episode of Jabberjaw will we be looking at? Hmmm... how about the third episode "Atlantis, Get Lost"? Let's dive in... get it, because the show takes place underwater? It's funny because... uh, anyhow, on with the review...

First of all, I noticed this in the intro... is that Zorak from Space Ghost?

I mean, the coloring's different and I'm pretty sure Zorak wasn't that big, but there's
still a pretty big resemblance...

After the theme song, the episode begins in what appears to be the very same undersea Atlantis-esque city where Flipper overheard a giant octopus and a sea snake making evil plans. We see these flying pizza box-shaped things heading towards what appears to be a Mayan temple in a bubble, but these green-skinned dudes cause them to bounce off the bubble... yeah, I have no idea what's going on.

Didn't I see this guy in Monsters vs Aliens?

Some guy that looks like the Creature From the Black Lagoon tells a woman named Queen Atlanta that they managed to drive off the "invaders". "Yes, Dorsal, thanks to you, Atlantis is saved!" Queen Atlanta replies. But Dorsal says that it's only saved temporarily and that they must strike back before they invade again. But Queen Atlanta doesn't like that idea, for the people of Atlantis are a peaceful people.

I thought Kida was the queen of Atlantis...

Then Dorsal shows her his plans, taking her to a model of one of the invaders' cities. He plans on using a "subterra-craft", which is one of those vehicles with a large drill in front of it, to make the city collapse. "It is our only hope, your majesty!" Dorsal claims. With a sigh, Queen Atlanta says, "Then we have no choice."

Then once the queen leaves, another Creature From the Black Lagoon shows up and gives some exposition - Dorsal is the Prime Minister, because Prime Ministers in cartoons are always evil. Same goes for royal advisers, by the way*. And he and his henchmen faked the attack on the city to trick the queen into thinking that the city was in great peril. Just in case you hadn't figured out by now who the villain of the episode was. "Now I am free to conquer the whole undersea world!" Dorsal proclaims, before letting out an evil laugh.

We then cut to a yellow and purple submarine. Inside, Jabberjaw and the Neptunes are rocking out for a big crowd of people. After the performance, Shelly demands that Jabberjaw get her a soda (despite the fact that Jabberjaw is not her servant or whatever, but Shelly's main personality trait is that she's a jerk so this isn't out-of-character for her), resulting in Jabberjaw getting into WACKY SHENANIGANS.

Soda machines in the year 2076 are apparently jerks.

So apparently this submarine is the underwater equivalent of a cruise ship, as the band's got cabins on it. They decide to take an elevator to the lower deck... or at least what they think is an elevator. It's actually the hatch for an emergency life boat.

Not exactly the Mystery Machine, is it?

Biff turns into Captain Obvious and points out that they're in a life boat, not an elevator. He tries to get control of the boat, but they wind up approaching Atlantis and being mistaken for intruders. Dorsal tells the other Creature From the Black Lagoon-esque dude to activate a whirlpool to take care of those meddling kids and their shark.

Is he wearing a kilt?

The whirlpool basically serves as an underwater tornado. Alas, we don't get a reference to The Wizard of Oz. Clamhead tells Jabberjaw to do something, prompting Jabberjaw to squeeze out of the boat and use some kelp as a lasso to pull his friends out of the whirlpool. Then they get beamed up by what appears to be an underwater spaceship.

I suppose now would be a good time to mention that Shelly, Bubbles, and Clamhead all have really annoying voices. Not "Herbert from Family Guy" levels of annoying, but annoying.

"Ah, yes, the Neptunes will make a fine addition to our collection of Mystery Inc.
knockoffs! Put them in-between the kids from The Funky Phantom and the Teen Angels!"

The ship takes them to Atlantis and introduced to Dorsal and Queen Atlanta. "I will take them away for further questioning," Dorsal says, but after Shelly insults him he changes his mind - instead, he'll throw them into a pit of angry alligators. Way to go, Shelly. Why do the Neptunes keep her around?

That's not really a pit, is it? Looks more like an ocean or a pond to me.

Fortunately, Jabberjaw acts as a makeshift bridge so that his friends can walk to the other side of the canyon. "Whaddya know? A Jabber-BRIDGE!" Clamhead points out. Uh, is that supposed to be a pun? Because that wasn't a pun. "Jaw" and "Bridge" sound nothing alike. And I don't think there's such thing as a "Jabber-Bridge". Ergo, not a pun. And as a result, it's not funny. Sorry.

Alas, while they're trying to sneak out of the city they're spotted by a guard. "Hoppin' halibut! Here come the troops!" Biff exclaims as several green-skinned dudes on hoverboards zoom towards them. The gang makes a run for it and find themselves in Dorsal's command room, where they come across his plans for invading the undersea cities. Then they hear Dorsal coming their way and hide. Jabberjaw tries to disguise himself as a chair, and believe it or not, it works.

So Dorsal explains his plan to his henchmen. "Each of you will receive a recorded operations disc, like this," he says, holding up a stack of CDs. Phase One of their attack will begin at dawn. After they conquer the undersea world, they will return to Atlantis and overthrow the queen, allowing Dorsal to rule Atlantis. Then... I dunno, profit?

That's some hairdo Bubbles is sporting.

"Wowie-wow-WOW! Didja hear that? Let's tell da queen!" Clamhead exclaims. Melody says that she wouldn't believe them, so Biff suggests they steal one of the recorded discs. Bubbles says that she'll grab one - which she does by walking over in full view and grabbing one. It should be pretty obvious by now that Bubbles is a few jelly sandwiches short of a pic-a-nic basket.

So now Jabberjaw and his friends are on the run again. Once they make it out into... what I'm guessing is the city's marketplace, they disguise themselves as citizens of Atlantis. Well, at least Biff, Clamhead, Shelly, and Bubbles do... Jabberjaw disguises himself as a fish vendor. This gives Shelly an idea - the Queen's Banquet is tonight, so they'll sneak into the palace disguised as waiters with a fish dinner (wouldn't that technically make them caterers?). Said fish dinner? Jabberjaw.

Wow, Jabberjaw really DOESN'T get any respect.

"The things I do to save the world," Jabberjaw moans as he's carried in on a plate. Don't worry, Jabberjaw, this still isn't the most humiliating moment of your career - you still have Jellystone! to appear in, after all. Bubbles reveals that she hid the disc in Jabberjaw's mouth. But before they make it to the queen, another green-skinned guy announces that he must inspect the "fish dinner", which he promptly does. But when he says that the queen likes her fish "broiled in butter", a horrified Jabberjaw gives them away. And now I'm hungry for seafood.

"You are going to serve the queen A LIVE FISH?!" the green-skinned dude exclaims, then presses a button that causes pipes to suck the five up and dump them outside in garbage cans. "That's one plan down da tubes!" Clamhead complains. "Now how will we ever get back to da queen's banquet?!" Fortunately, Shelly has another idea - they'll sneak in dressed as dancing girls.

I'll spare you the screencap of Jabberjaw in drag.

Biff tells the others that while they're keeping Dorsal occupied, he'll sneak up to the queen and give her the disk. They manage to pull it off without Dorsal getting in the way, and the queen obviously ain't too happy to hear that Dorsal is a big fat traitor. "Dorsal shall pay for his treachery!" she announces. She tells the guards to arrest Dorsal, but the guards are loyal to HIM, and HE tells them to arrest the queen and the Neptunes instead.

Once they're all taken prisoner, the queen laments that the Aquateers - the bravest, most loyal men in all of Atlantis - are off on another mission at the moment and can't defeat Dorsal. This gives Shelly another idea... they'll make Dorsal think THEY'RE the queen's bodyguards. But how will they get out of the room where they're being held captive? Well, there's fortunately a secret exit that Dorsal didn't know about (otherwise he'd be pretty dumb for holding them captive in that room).

"I'd like to give a little speech to celebrate my overthrowing the queen..."

The Neptunes dress up as Musketeers, fooling Dorsal's men into thinking that they're the Aquateers. You'd think they'd recognize them since they've seen them a couple times already and also there aren't a lot of giant blue sharks running around Atlantis, but whatever. A catchy pop song starts to play as they go to town on the green-skinned dudes. Honestly, Dorsal and his guards should consider themselves lucky that Jabberjaw is a good guy. I mean, he's a great white shark. He could easily eat them if he felt like it.

But Dorsal's getting away, so the Neptunes give chase on one of those hoverboard things. Jabberjaw then destroys his subterra-vehicle thing, foiling his scheme to take over the world. The queen thanks them for saving the day, and Jabberjaw is so happy to finally be getting respect that he kisses both the queen and Shelly.

Meh, still a better love story than Bee Movie...

WHAT'S THE VERDICT?

Honestly, Jabberjaw is another show that I'm gonna have to put in the "okay" category. The main thing that drags it down, in my opinion, is that four of the five main characters are not interesting. They're boring. So very, very boring. Each has, like, one personality trait (Biff is the leader, Clamhead is Shaggy except not as much of a coward, Shelly is a jerk, Bubbles is a moron) and nothing else. Even Fred and Daphne have more personality than these guys. Jabberjaw himself is the one that carries the show, and it's no surprise that he's the best part of it. Aside from that, the show is just your typical "some kids and something out of the ordinary defeat evil-doers" show, with not much to make it stand out from the other Scooby-Doo clones. But it's not a bad show, and it's juuuuuuuuuuust different enough from Scooby-Doo that you can watch it without wondering why you aren't just watching Scooby-Doo instead. My suggestion would be to watch one episode and see if you like it. If you do, watch a few more. If not, just stick with Scooby-Doo.

* Well, not ALWAYS... Maurice from Madgascar is a nice guy.

Let's Watch This: An Episode of "Aladdin"

At one point in the 1990s, someone at Disney got an idea - people really loved that Aladdin movie, right? Surely, then, they would want to see more of the characters, right? So what if they made a TV show taking place after the movie? The result was a show rather creatively named Aladdin, focusing on the adventures of our favorite street rat and his friends. The first few episodes of the show focused on Jafar returning and Iago doing a Heel-Face Turn, but they decided to make a direct-to-video movie out of that (which is how Disney's "direct-to-video sequels to all of our animated movies" trend got started). Most of the film's cast returned for the show, with the exceptions of Robin Williams and Douglas Seale, who were replaced by Dan Castellaneta and Val Bettin as the voices of the Genie and the Sultan.

The show was produced by Alan Zaslove and Tad Stones, whose names any fan of the Disney Afternoon should recognize (Tad created Darkwing Duck). It premiered in 1994 and ran for three seasons, making for a total of eighty-six episodes. Said episodes had some real out-of-the-box plotlines...

- Jasmine gets turned into a rat, and Iago is turned into a frill-necked lizard.

- Genie and Iago get girlfriends.

- A mermaid tries to steal Aladdin from Jasmine (yes, there is an Ariel joke).

- The gang encounters an abominable snowman.

- Aladdin's head comes off.

- That mermaid comes back and turns Aladdin into a shark.

And there's the episode that we'll be looking at today, where the gang must stop a giant pink rhinoceros from destroying a city. Follow me to a place where incredible feats are routine every hour or so, folks, because we're looking at the episode "Never Say Nefir"...

Aladdin (Scott Weigner once again), Abu (Frank Welker), Iago (Gilbert Gottfried), Carpet, and the Genie are on their way to the city of Getzistan, which from the way Iago describes it is basically the Aladdin world's equivalent of Vegas (don't tell the Nostalgia Critic). He's especially excited about going to a place called "Club Nest Egg", where he plans to do a little gambling... and cheating, too, of course.

Has the Genie always been that fat?

They arrive at Getzistan, only to discover that it's been destroyed. They're greeted by the city's ruler, Sultan Pasta Al-Dente (voiced by Stuart "Earl Sinclair" Pankin, according to IMDB)… ha ha ha ha ha… who's oddly cheery for someone who just had their city destroyed. He also looks waaaaaaaaaaaay too much like the Sultan of Agrabah. It's not the exact same design, but jeez, guys, have a little variety with your character designs...

Is there some sort of law in this world that sultans have to be fat, diminutive, and jolly?

The Genie spots some little creatures running around that he recognizes as imps. He warns Aladdin that imps are nasty little things, able to strip the flesh off a cow in fifteen seconds (or is that piranhas?). But Sultan Pasta Al-Dente... whose name is really making me hungry... reassures them that these imps are actually just "the best contractors money can buy".

Then the head imp, Nefir (Rene Auberjonois), shows up and chews out the other imps for just standing around instead of, y'know, working. Spoiler alert: he's the episode's villain. The series has a wide variety of foes for Aladdin and his friends, from the aforementioned mermaid to a cat goddess to the fan-favorite Mozenrath. It's hard to top Jafar, and I think the showrunners knew that it was pointless to try, but they certainly created some memorable fellas for the heroes to fight.

Maleficent's goons apparently went into the city repair business after Prince
Phillip threw a sword at her.

Nefir is apparently racist towards genies, for whatever reason. Aladdin tells the Genie not to let that bother him, because, after all, he's got semi-phenomenal, nearly-cosmic powers (when he was freed, his phenomenal cosmic powers got a bit of a downgrade. Just a bit).

Then the imps demonstrate their contracting skills by rebuilding the entire city of Arabian Vegas in just five seconds. The Genie, upon seeing this, is starting to feel inadequate. "Imps!" he snaps. "Why did it have to be IMPS?!"

Indiana Jones references... why did it have to be Indiana Jones references?

Imps really shouldn't go shirtless...

The one disadvantage to having to rebuild the entire city? According to Sultan Italian Food For a Name, it gets very expensive having to pay the imps to do it EVERY SINGLE DAY. You see, every night the city is wrecked by a character known as Samir the Destroyer. "It's a curse, or something! Like WARTS! Or a brother-in-law who moves in with you!" Sultan Pasta bemoans.

"Confound that Samir the Destroyer! He drives me to DRINK!"
(At least, that's what I'm assuming judging from the guy's facial expression here)

Aladdin suggests that they just get rid of this Samir the Destroyer guy, which does not make Nefir happy - if Samir goes, all of the money that Nefir makes goes too. Gee, I wonder if Nefir might have anything to do with Samir the Destroyer's wrecking the city every night...

Then the Genie does some shapeshifting, allowing Dan Castellaneta to show off his range by doing sort of a cross between Danny DeVito and... Popeye, I'm guessing?

Striped pants - the newest fashion trend in Agrabah.

That night, our heroes are waiting outside the city for Samir the Destroyer to show up. Iago is all "To heck with this, I'm going to Club Nest Egg!" and flies off. The Genie reassures Aladdin that he's met Samir the Destroyer before and he's actually quite little. He is about to eat his words - everyone hears "Dance of the Hours" playing, and then we finally get to see Samir the Destroyer in all of his large pink pachydermic glory.

Why aren't there more rhinos in animation? I love rhinos.

"Ohhhhhhhhhh, SAMIR the Destroyer! I was thinking of Ned. NED the Destroyer. They're both very similar. Except, Ned isn't quite so LARGE!" the Genie admits.

Samir begins prancing around, destroying the city through ballet dancing. Oh, so THAT'S why he's wrecking Arabian Vegas - he's miffed that he wasn't picked for the auditions for Fantasia! Doesn't explain why he's taking it out on the people of Getzistan, but I guess a rhino's gotta blow off some steam SOMEHOW...

I've always felt that what Aladdin needed was a giant Pepto Bismol-colored
rhinoceros doing interpretive dance...

"He's dancing, AND he's destroying. The biggest floor show on Earth and I STILL can't get the tourists to visit!" Sultan Pasta Pun laments. Fortunately, Genie has a plan to defeat Samir - turn into a big game hunter and tranquilize the beast.

I feel like he's supposed to be a parody of a specific nature show host here, but I
can't put my finger on who...

Alas, Samir is a rhino - a pachyderm. And "pachyderm" means "thick-skinned". As such, his thick skin provides a natural defense against the tranquillizer dart, which rebounds off him and gets Aladdin.

"I've heard of seeing pink elephants, but this is ridiculous!"

Next, Genie tries to stop Samir by shapeshifting into an Irish-accented police officer... and winds up getting squashed flat. Fortunately, Genie has another character up his sleeve...

Come to think of it, with all of these personas he's got, Genie would make a great Saturday Night Live cast member.

Get along, not-so-little rhino.

Cowboy Genie manages to lasso the rhino's legs before he can destroy Iago's beloved Club Nest Egg. But that doesn't stop Samir, and he sends Genie flying into a large egg on top of the club. Once all of Getzistan is in ruins, Samir hops off.

The next day, Genie builds a jet plane to destroy the Horned Hungry Hungry Hippo.

Wouldn't a giant rhinoceros like Samir just be able to swat the plane away like a
gnat? Maybe there's more to this plan that I'm not picking up, I don't know...

Nefir has his imps blow up the plane before Genie can use it, then tells Aladdin that HE'LL help him out with his prancing pink pachyderm situation. "We'll build you a nice, reliable catapult that will fling Samir the Destroyer clear into next week!" he claims. Aladdin is up for that, and Genie is bummed that he couldn't find a way to defeat Samir himself. "I'm nothing but a second-class genie," he laments. "No. I'm worse! I'm COACH! Make that ECONOMY. I'm a no-frills genie! Not even free peanuts!" Why, he can't even beat Carpet in a rousing game of Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robo-Genies.

As if Genie weren't feeling crummy enough, Nefir shows up and gives him an incredibly condescending pep talk. "Look, not EVERYONE can ALMOST defeat a giant dancing rhinoceros. That's impressive," he claims. "It's all a matter of timing. If I were a genie, I'd go capture the monster while he sleeps." Then he just so happens to point out that Samir sleeps all day in a cave in the next valley. Totally defenseless. Hintidy-hint-hint-hint.

Don't trust him, Genie! He's playing you like a fiddle!

After a brief Rambo reference, the Genie sneaks into Samir's cave to capture him and prove to Aladdin that he's not a "no-frills genie" after all. How does he plan on doing it? Why, with a giant hammer of course!

Bugs Bunny would be proud.

But then Samir wakes up... and as it turns out he's actually quite friendly. I believe he's voiced by Frank Welker seeing as he sounds like a more upbeat Dr. Claw, but I don't have any confirmation on that. He explains that his dancing and destroying things is caused by those darn shoes that he woke up one day and found on his feet. "I can't get 'em off," he says. "Every night I hear this fun-kay music. And, well, you know, I... gotta dance! It's the darndest thing, really."

Did you know that a rhino's horn is made out of the same stuff as our fingernails?

I figure that if I can't be funny, I should at least be educational.

"But who would want to destroy Getzistan every night?" Genie asks. Answer: Nefir and his imps, who are also a fun-kay band. The moral of today's story is, never trust imps. NEVER!

"If you say 'two heads are better than one' ONE MORE TIME, I swear to Allah
that I am going to punch your ugly mug in!"

The imps put Genie in a stockade crafted from fine Tibetan oak, imported from the east and stewed for days in enchanted whale jelly - a sure-fire genie trap. Good thing they just so happened to have one of those. Y'know, just in case they should ever encounter a genie who could foil their evil plans. And then they give him a BILL. Who gives their prisoner a BILL?

Hello, new potential meme...

Genie notices that one of the things written on that bill is "magic shoes". Magic shoes just like the ones that the imps put on Samir. And now they're on the Genie's feet, too. Uh-oh...

Cut to Aladdin, Abu, Carpet, and Iago out in the desert, waiting for those imps. They don't find any catapult, but they DO find a mailbox with a message for them inside.

"Dear Aladdin, I have your genie. Pay us a fee of $4000 or whatever it is that we use
for money or else we will force him to watch the live action remake of your movie multiple,
multiple times. Signed, Nefir. P.S. - No, I do NOT look like Iago in a toga."

The message is from Nefir, basically telling them that they've been PUNKED. Then Genie and Samir show up, dancing up a storm. "Forty tons of Fred and Ginger is NOT what we need," Iago complains. Genie explains that Nefir and the imps put magic shoes on Samir that force him to dance, and now HE'S got them too.

I like how into it Samir is here.

Aladdin figures out that Nefir is running a royal scam...

STEP 1 - Put shoes on giant pink rhinoceros that force him to dance.

STEP 2 - Play music, causing him to destroy Getzistan.

STEP 3 - Offer to rebuild Getzistan very quickly afterwards.

STEP 4 - Repeat the first three steps night after night.

STEP 5 - Profit (and for once I'm SURE of that).

That night, Nefir cackles to himself about how with both a giant rhinoceros AND a giant genie being forced to dance, the city will be destroyed in mere seconds, and thus he can destroy the city twice in one day and make even MORE money. Fortunately, Aladdin has a plan to stop Nefir - he plays a flute, luring Genie and Samir away from the city. Thus, it becomes a battle of the bands, with the imps and Aladdin's gang trying to see who can play louder music to lure Genie, Samir, and their dancing shoes either towards or away from the city.

Iago's really rocking that powdered wig.

Eventually, Genie figures out that the faster he dances, the shoes start to sizzle - faster dancing is too much for the shoes.

Which means that it's time for some awesome rock-and-roll music!

At one point, Iago shouts, "IT'S HAMMER TIME!" Yes, an M.C. Hammer reference. Don't ask me how Iago knows M.C. Hammer. And don't ask me what M.C. Hammer has to do with this situation either. He's a rapper, not a rock-and-roll musician. Genie and Samir's shoes explode, Sultan Pasta Al-Dente thanks Aladdin for saving the day, and Nefir gets a taste of his own medicine. Karma's a jerk, ain't it, Nefir?

Justice for the pink rhinoceros!

Alas, Samir does not become a recurring character after this. What this show really needed was to have one of Aladdin's allies be a giant pink rhinoceros who performs ballet.

What's the Verdict?

Well, it's basically what you'd expect from a show based on Aladdin. We get some mythology worked in, some fast-paced jokes, Dan Castellaneta and Gilbert Gottfried hamming it up... and, come on, how can you go wrong with a big pink rhinoceros who sounds like Dr. Claw? If I do have one complaint, the animation is an obvious downgrade from the movie. I guess that's to be expected, since a TV show's not gonna have the budget as a movie. I've seen far worse animation, though. If you're a fan of the movie, I'd recommend checking it out...

…if you can find it, that is. It's not on Disney Plus. I think you can find a few episodes on YouTube.

We've got more Disney cartoons based on their animated movies to watch, of course. But I think my next review will be of another Hanna-Barbera show (I won't give away which one). Hercules: The Animated Series, the Tarzan show, and The Emperor's New School will have to wait.

Let's Watch This: "Animals United" (2010)

Remember that Dehli Safari film I reviewed before? Remember how much I disliked it? Well, today I'm looking at a film that's very, very similar to Dehli Safari. Why am I reviewing a film that's very, very similar to a film that I disliked? I don't know, maybe I'm just an idiot.

Anyhow, Animals United is a 2010 German animated movie that got an English dub... an English dub that features the talents of Jim Broadbent, Stephen Fry, and Andy Serkis, among others. One of those "others" is James Corden as the voice of the main character - and this was back before every other animated movie needed to have him in it. I don't know what the reception was in Germany, but here in America critics didn't like it very much. It has a twenty-five percent rating on Rotten Tomatoes. But hey, just because a movie has a low rating on Rotten Tomatoes doesn't mean that it's REALLY a piece of crap, right?

Well, that's just one example...

Okay, yeah, maybe sometimes it DOES mean that, but...

Point made (jeez, what was I thinking going to see that in theaters?).

So, IS Animals United really that bad? Let's take a look...

The movie begins with shots of various bodies of water across Africa. Then we see a small family of meerkats. The mother meerkat (Billie Piper) asks the son meerkat (Mischa Goodman) where the father meerkat is, and her son replies that he went to get water. Sure enough, we then cut to the father meerkat coming across a dry body of water with a cattle skull in it. Then before we can get any information about WHY the water is dry, we cut to a lion sitting atop a large rock.

Hey, it's Not Alex from Madagascar!

Actually, all jokes aside, I really do like the design of this lion.

Then the father meerkat, whose name is Billy (voiced by James Corden), shows up and tries to scare the lion with the cattle skull. It doesn't work. But the lion, whose name is Socrates (voiced by Stephen Fry), decides to humor him. After that, Billy starts golfing for some reason... with a ball made of "sun-dried, rock hard hyena poo-poo". Only three minutes in and already we've got a poop joke. That does not bode well.

Now, Billy DOES look at least reasonably enough like a meerkat, but why is his fur so dark?
Meerkats have very light fur.

Then we cut to... an orangutan? Doesn't this movie take place in Africa? Why is there an orangutan in Africa?

What, is he a foreign exchange student or something?

Well, anyhow, the orangutan (Omid Djalili) is giving a female elephant (Dawn French) a stylish hairdo. He has flamboyant mannerisms and a stereotypical "prissy British guy" voice. After that, we cut back to Billy and Socrates. Billy is doing some more golfing, then his mate Billie (the mother meerkat from before) shows up. She calls him out for goofing around instead of getting their family water like he said he would.

Hey, wait... Billy's mate is named Billie? Isn't it kind of weird that they basically have the same name? Wouldn't that get really confusing for them and everyone else?

Guess which one is the girl meerkat. No, really, guess.

Then the female elephant and a female giraffe (Joanna Lumley) show up and tell Socrates that they've got a problem.

What's weirder, an elephant with blonde hair or a giraffe with makeup?

Where does a giraffe even GET makeup?

"It's the water that flows down the mountainside. It should've gotten here by now!" the elephant says. Fortunately, Discount Timon has a solution - he'll "call the water down" by drumming on the cattle skull. Makes sense to me, I don't know why YOU'RE confused.

As he starts drumming, the camera... uh, suddenly goes into maximum overdrive.

"Please remain seated while the camera is in motion."

Eventually, the camera reaches this large dam, which apparently is what's causing the animals to have a lack of water.

So how long until they make the cliched "character says 'dam' and then another character tells them to
watch their language" joke?

Then we cut to... a polar bear? I guess we're not in Africa anymore... then again, we've already got an ORANGUTAN in Africa, so I wouldn't be surprised if they've got a polar bear in Africa too.

Boy, am I thirsty. I could really go for a Coca-Cola right now.

The polar bear (Erica Schroeder) suddenly falls through the ice, but eventually is able to climb aboard an ice floe and sees ice falling off a large nearby iceberg. Then we cut to these politicians taking a photo in front of the iceberg. Apparently, they're here for some sort of conference about global warming.

Are these guys supposed to be caricatures of famous politicians?

After that, we cut to these two tortoises in... where are we now? The Galapagos Islands?

I like that they both look like Verne from Over the Hedge. Maybe I should do a review of that
movie at some point...

The tortoises (Jim Broadbent and Vanessa Redgrave) are celebrating their wedding anniversary. Then a ship runs aground and that causes the tide to come in. One of the tortoises says that "the time has come" for them to "be on their way once more". But enough about them, it's off to Australia!

Crikey! G'day, mate! Put another shrimp on the barbie! And other stereotypical Australian sayings!

Some dude on a motorcycle guzzles down a beer... which is really stupid of him. Why would somebody drink while riding a motorcycle?! I don't know much about riding a motorcycle, but I still know that's INCREDIBLY DANGEROUS!

Well, anyhow, the dude drinks a beer and then carelessly tosses the bottle over his shoulder. It lands on the ground and smashes into a million pieces. Eventually, the guy comes to a stop, and we see a kangaroo (Jason Donovan) and a koala bear (Oliver Green) spying on him from behind a rock.

I've got one word for both of you: haircut. Trust me on this.

But then the guy notices that there's a wildfire a-comin' his way, and he quickly rides off. That bottle he threw onto the ground was flammable, apparently?

See, this is why drinking beer while riding a motorcycle is dangerous. It causes wildfires. Just common
knowledge.

The koala escapes, but the kangaroo just can't resist the sweet, sweet beer cans that the guy left on the ground. Long story short, he manages to outrun the flames... but winds up falling into a chasm. Thankfully, he eventually climbs out. Then he runs into... Taz from Looney Tunes!

"TAZ ONLY HERE BECAUSE TAZ NEED MONEY! WARNER BROTHERS NOT DOING
ENOUGH WITH LOONEY TUNES CHARACTERS FOR TAZ TO PAY THE BILLS!"

Well, okay, it's not REALLY Taz. It's just a Tasmanian devil (Oliver Wyman) that's literally just Taz in all but name. And they do a lousy job of hiding it. It's a blatant knockoff of Taz. He even looks much more like Taz than he does an actual Tasmanian devil.

Oh, and he farts. Ha ha ha, farting. I said sarcastically.

So the kangaroo and Taz Knockoff (I know he has a name, but I don't care, I'm just gonna call him "Taz Knockoff") head off into the sunset, and then we cut to this:

Chicken Joe, what have they done to you?!

The rooster (Andy Serkis) is trapped in the clutches of this sadistic British-accented chef guy on a cruise ship, but he manages to escape. Also, he has a French accent.

He jumps out a porthole and lands in a bathtub, where he's greeted by the tortoises, the kangaroo, and Taz Knockoff. "Things got a bit steamy back in the bush so we thought we'd take ourselves on a holiday," the kangaroo explains. At some point they ran into the tortoises... and the polar bear, she's here too. And they've come up with a plan. Migrating birds told the tortoises about a magical paradise free of humans, and they're going to head there... well, assuming that they can find it.

I know that this might be considered a nitpick, but where'd they get the bathtub?

Then the rooster starts singing... and by "singing", I mean lip-syncing to an old recording of a French dude singing "Beyond the Sea". After that we arrive back in Africa, where the giraffe and the elephant are becoming parched. They, Socrates and Billy decide to consult with some guy called "the Oracle"... who as it turns out is just the orangutan hiding in the trunk of a tree. Quick question, why do all of the animals in Africa have British accents?

Anyhow, the orangutan obviously has no answer to the animals' question as to when the water will be back, but Billy's the only one who notices this and when he points this out he just winds up ticking all of the other animals off.

"I'm an aardvark, and I'm prooooooooooooud..."

Then we cut back to the rooster, the kangaroo, the tortoises, Taz Knockoff, and the polar bear, who have apparently washed up in a desert. The rooster gives a speech about how they will overcome all adversity to find a new home and blah-blah-blah... and then Taz Knockoff farts again. Twice. Eugh.

So the rooster leads them all through the desert as a smooth jazz version of the Hokey Pokey plays in the background. Yes, you read that right - a smooth jazz version of the Hokey Pokey. It's not a bad cover, but why a smooth jazz cover of the Hokey Pokey of all songs?

Back to Africa. Billy's son tells two other young meerkats about how great his dad is, but they just laugh him off and say that Billy is a loser. One of them also points out that his fur is so much darker than that of all of the other meerkats in the savannah. Oh goody, racism metaphors. Just what this movie didn't need.

Billy is heading over to the watering hole to get some water. Alas, it's currently being blocked by some buffalo.

With Spanish accents, for some reason.

However, some rhinos want a drink, too.

Why does the rhino have a hairdo? I know rhinos in real life do indeed have SOME hair, but they
don't have flowing chestnut-colored locks.

Of course, rhinos in real life don't talk either, so...

"You talking to ME?! Are you talking to ME?!" the head buffalo shouts. Yes, we get a reference to Taxi Driver. Because... it exists, right?

While the buffalo and the rhinos are going at it, Discount Timon tries to slip by and grab some water. This results in an unfunny gag where he reaches up the rhino's nostril (eugh) and calls him "Carrot Top". Then we get this...

Please tell me that the meerkat gets clobbered by the buffalo and/or the rhino...

Billy is depressed that he let his family down, particularly his extremely ticked-off son. He's so mad, in fact, that he actually disowns his father. Wow. I mean, I'm not a huge fan of Billy either, but that seems pretty harsh.

"Everybody thinks that I'm a loser!"
"Well, there's a reason for that, Billy..."

Billy heads off to see Socrates and tells him that the fate of their savannah is in their hands. He says that they have to go and find water, but Discount Simba is too busy waxing philosophical about how Billy is going to fail miserably. Then he informs Billy that to find water, he apparently will have to travel through a valley where this evil leopard lives. An evil leopard? Ten bucks says that it's this guy:

That is what is known as a "Call Back".

So Billy heads off on his own. And he starts singing. I don't know who did Billy's singing voice, but it doesn't sound anything like James Corden. Eventually, he comes across these three vultures.

"Hey, Flaps... what we gonna do?"

"I dunno. What you wanna do?"

The vultures act like obnoxious jerks, and then Billy heads into the dreaded valley where the evil leopard supposedly lives. Fortunately, Socrates appears just as he's starting to get REALLY worried. And then who should show up but the evil leopard? Specifically, he's a BLACK leopard. Socrates and Billy make a run for it, but the leopard catches up with Billy and manages to corner him.

Didn't I see this guy in an ad for Danimals?

Fortunately, the leopard is scared off by that polar bear from before. Then the tortoises, the kangaroo, the rooster, and Taz Knockoff show up too. "Who are you?! Who sent you?! Where are you from?!" the rooster asks Socrates.

"Now look here, boy! I'm no chicken! I'm a rooster, I say, a ROOSTER! There's a difference!
Nice boy, but he's about as sharp as a sack of wet mice..."

Soon night falls, and we see the animals all gathered around a campfire. Socrates tells Billy how he got his scar (insert some reference to The Dark Knight here). Apparently, when he and his brother were younger, they visited the valley where the evil leopard now lives. But they ran afoul of a horrible creature that killed Socrates' brother - not the leopard, as I expected, but rather the most vile, foul, despicable creature on the planet... a human. I was gonna have that gag from the Nostalgia Critic's FernGully 2 review where he rants about how bad humans are here, but I didn't want it to seem like I was making light of Socrates' tragic backstory.

"From that day, my only wish is for all the animals of the savannah to live in peace and harmony," Socrates says. Once morning arrives, the polar bear has become weak (she's not used to this hot environment). The rooster says that he'll stay with her and the tortoises and look after them while Socrates, Billy, the kangaroo, and Taz Knockoff go looking for water. So off they head, and eventually Billy comes across the dam.

"GASP!"

He notices a door in the dam and sneaks inside, goes up a large staircase and discovers all of the water that this dam is holding back.

Meanwhile, the climate change conference apparently changed location to a hotel. The hotel has a mascot, too - a chimpanzee named Toto (Jason Griffith).

Oh, jeez, is this actually a stealth sequel to Space Chimps?

After that, we cut back to Billy as he shows Socrates the water trapped at the top of the dam. He's appalled. On the other hand, Taz Knockoff and the kangaroo are riding around in a speedboat.

I still think the kangaroo should get a haircut, by the way.

They pick up Billy and Socrates and we get some WHACKY SHENANIGANS as they wind up running aground on the hotel's golf course. The kangaroo and Taz Knockoff come across a refrigerator stocked with what I assume is beer. Honestly, this whole scene is like a really bad beer commercial. 

Seriously, just slap a Bud Light logo in the bottom-right corner and you've got a bad beer commercial.

Eventually, Billy and Socrates wind up in what I'm guessing is the conference room, resulting in the hotel's owner calling upon the services of an eeeeeeeeeeeevil-looking hunter who judging from the lion-skin rug that he owns is the same guy who shot Socrates' brother. Zhe odds, vhat are zhey?

Why do so many hunters in animated films have absurdly-large chins?

Socrates leaves just before the hunter shows up, but Billy winds up running afoul of the guy. Fortunately, he escapes by diving into a fish tank... which just so happens to be full of piranhas. Uh-oh...

Piranhas - the reason why it's not a good idea to go skinny-dipping in the Amazon river.

Once Billy gets away from the piranhas, he winds up running into a shark. Insert some sort of JAWS reference here, I can't think of anything funny.

"Hello. Name's Bruce!"

Quick question, have you ever been to a hotel where there was a SHARK of all things swimming around in a giant fish tank? What, is this conference being held at the Atlantis Resort in the Bahamas?

Long story short, Billy winds up being fished out of the hotel's sewer system by that chimpanzee from before. Then the conference-goers run into the kangaroo and Taz Knockoff... who farts again. Worst Running Gag ever.

After that, we get a gag involving Socrates getting stuck on a treadmill before the chimp comes over and frees him. Then the chimp runs into the kangaroo and Taz Knockoff in the hotel gift shop. He lets them all hide out in the hotel's honeymoon suite while he watches out for the hunter.

I feel like the only reason there's a chimp in this movie is because of the whole "apes are automatically
funny" mindset.

Predictably, the animals wind up making a mess of the room. Taz Knockoff eats an armchair, Socrates and the kangaroo are watching TV, and Billy is taking a shower. "I happen to have a JOB here! And I have no desire to get into trouble on account of YOU!" Toto exclaims. He tries to deny that he's anything like them... oh, god, I'm getting flashbacks to that parrot from Delhi Safari.

Eventually, Toto agrees to open the floodgates to the dam so the animals can get their water, but on one condition - that immediately afterwards, the animals leave. Meanwhile, the hotel owner's daughter tells him that his deluxe resort is hurting the animals that live downstream.

Predictably, the animals wind up getting into trouble again as the hunter spots them and shoots Socrates with a tranquillizer dart. Billy accidentally opens the floodgates and then he, the kangaroo, and Taz Knockoff fall into the rushing waters and are flushed out of the dam. But the hunter won't give up and comes after them in a jeep.

"Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeere's Johnny!"

Fortunately, the hunter is defeated by the rooster and the tortoises. Yeah, remember them? They're still in this movie. They give the polar bear some water that Billy collected, then Billy suggests that they enlist the help of all the animals in the savannah to save Socrates.

Meanwhile, the hotel owner's daughter demands that he let the lion go. He claims that he can't do that because the lion is dangerous and also he already sold it to a casino in Las Vegas. Socrates, speaking of which, is currently waking up in a cage. Toto tries to lift his spirits by telling him that Las Vegas is a great place. Especially if you're a lion.

Okay, now back to Billy's family. His son decides to head out and get water for his mother, but the rhinos and buffalo are feuding over the water again, so that might be difficult.

Why does the buffalo have gold teeth? Where does a buffalo get a gold tooth? Was it from the
place where that giraffe got her makeup?

Long story short, Billy's son winds up in the middle of a rhino-buffalo brawl, but his mother stops it by telling them to knock it off. Around this time, the rooster comes across the giraffe and the elephant and starts... flirting with them. Uhhhhhh... anyhow, he and Billy enlist their help, and then Billy blows into a root in the trunk of that tree from before, getting the attention of everyone on the savannah. We get an amusing joke involving an eagle and a mole.

The animals all have a conference of sorts. Billy tells everyone that he found the water, but the humans have trapped it all. The wildebeest and the rhino are suspicious, but the rooster tells them to stuff it. The tortoises give a big speech about how they had to watch humans do their evil human things. "Man is a thief who comes in the night and takes what he wants from the land! He is like a snake who eats his own tail to survive. But the earth does not belong to man. He is only a tiny part of it," the female tortoise says. If they don't defeat the humans, the animals will all perish and then man will start killing themselves too! The world will descend into anarchy! Fire will rage, buildings will collapse, and 20th Century Fox will greenlight another Alvin and the Chipmunks movie!

By morning, the animals are all convinced - they must defeat THE HUMANS. Well, except the orangutan, who's annoyed that nobody consulted him...

Wait, he has a tail? He's actually been a monkey this whole time?

Well, now I feel incredibly stupid...

The animals all head off to defeat the evil that is HUMANS. Meanwhile, Socrates tries to guilt-trip Toto into helping him. He tells Toto that he's not really free, but it doesn't do any good.

Then we cut back to the animals, and we get that smooth jazz cover of the Hokey Pokey again. The rooster runs afoul of that leopard, but manages to tame it.

I think this rooster might be my favorite character in the whole movie.

But, oh no! The hunter saw the animals coming and takes to the skies in a biplane to take them down!

Who the heck gave this guy a biplane? In fact, I'm willing to bet that he doesn't even HAVE a
pilot's license...

And apparently the hunter has a MISSLE that he plans on destroying the animals with. Methinks that this guy is a bit of a psycho.

Fortunately, Toto somehow snuck aboard the plane and beats up the hunter. Long story short, the missile winds up flying into the dam.

Hello, new potential meme.

Next, the animals decide to "send a message" to the humans by siccing... termites? What kind of bugs are those supposed to be? Well, anyhow, they sic bugs on them...

Maybe they're actually locusts?

The bugs even start stripping the humans naked! Don't worry, I'll spare you the screencap.

As all of this is going on, the hotel owner's daughter manages to free Socrates, giving him the opportunity to defeat the hunter. The animals, meanwhile, decide it's time to tear down the dam.

I was kind of expecting the missile to blow it up...

Oh, and around this time the buffalo and the rhinos catch up with the other animals. The hunter gets flushed out of the dam, and Taz Knockoff finishes him off with... you'll never believe this... A FART JOKE!

I repeat: worst Running Gag ever.

Socrates shows up at the top of the dam and says, "Start drumming, Billy. You've got the GROOVE!" Billy starts drumming on an elephant tusk, and the other animals start... dancing? I guess they're hoping that their combined weight will destroy the dam. However, it's Billy who manages to take down the dam. How? Simple - he uses his golfing skills to knock hyena poo into the dam, where it starts up the missile and the missile blows it up.

So apparently golf is the solution to stopping the evil of humans. Huh, never would have guessed...

Water returns to the savannah, and everybody parties. It's an animated movie from the 2010s, you've gotta have a Dance Party Ending.

I do appreciate that they used a Beach Boys song, though. I like the Beach Boys.

But it's not over yet! Do you want to know how this movie ends? Okay, I'll tell you... and just a forewarning - I did not make any of this up.

The movie ends with the animals traveling to New York City in the mouths of humpback whales so they can make humans accountable for their actions.

Yes, I am not joking. They ride inside the mouths of humpback whales to New York and start roaming the streets. I guess they plan to take a page from Bender's book and kill all humans. And just in case you STILL don't believe me, I have screencaps:

And yes, we get another fart joke. The end.

WHAT'S THE VERDICT?

The best thing that I can say about Animals United is that it's at least not as bad as Delhi Safari. I would not, however, call it a good movie. There are some positive things I can say, though... for one thing, the animation's pretty good. The character designs are hit-and-miss, some of them I genuinely like (Socrates, the leopard), others not so much (the giraffe who looks like Melman in drag, the elephant with blonde hair). As for the characters themselves, I kind of liked Socrates, and the tortoises and the rooster were okay. Everyone else was about as two-dimensional as a piece of sandpaper. James Corden gives a really obnoxious performance. On top of that, the film is so heavy-handed. I obviously agree with the protect the environment moral, but when you've got animals siccing clothes-eating bugs on humans, things take a turn for the ridiculous. I really don't think this movie is worth your time.

P.S. Why is the koala on the DVD cover when he only appeared in, like, one scene? That's false advertising, isn't it?