Let's Watch This: An Episode of "Fairy Tale Police Department"

NOTE: Please do not take any of the little nitpicks in this review (or any of my other reviews, for that matter) seriously. I write these reviews in the hopes of making people laugh. Those nitpicks are really just dumb little observations that I'm attempting to make jokes out of, not complaints that add to whether or not I like something.

The "Fractured Fairy Tale" genre is, at this point, kind of played out. And you have Shrek to thank for that. When that movie was a success, every animation studio in the world wanted in - and what better way to do that than by making their own "it's a fairy tale but not the way you remember it, LOL!" productions. This is what resulted in Happily N'Ever After, Hoodwinked, and Chicken Little all becoming a thing. But Shrek wasn't the first to fracture a fairy tale - Sesame Street often used fairy tale characters for comedic gags, as did several Looney Tunes and Hanna-Barbera cartoons (remember that cartoon with Bugs Bunny and the Three Little Pigs?). And who can forget about Rocky and Bullwinkle's "Fractured Fairy Tale" segments?

In fact, the very same year that Shrek was released, a cartoon that also satirized iconic fairy tales premiered in Australia. That show was called Fairy Tale Police Department.

Much like Flipper and Lopaka, this show was produced by Yoram Gross-EM.TV, a co-production with EM.TV & Merchandising AG, Victory Media Group, and Talit Communications. It's a quirky little series that focuses on a world where all the different fairy tale characters live, and a law in this world is that the fairy tales they're a part of MUST happen according to... the fairy tales themselves, which I guess were already written down before they happened, or something? It's kind of confusing now that I think about it... but sometimes, those fairy tales go wrong. In that case, it's up to the Fairy Tale Police Department to fix the situation. Our main characters are Johnny Legend Fantasy, a vain and dimwitted rookie who's kind of like Dudley from TUFF Puppy if he were a better written character, and the serious and intelligent Chris Anderson.

Despite coming out around the same time as Shrek, Fairy Tale Police Department seems to be more inspired by the aforementioned "Fractured Fairy Tale" segments seen on Rocky and Bullwinkle than anything. Many of the character designs are reminiscent of Jay Ward's work, and Keith Scott is among the voice cast, so on occasion you'll hear a character who kind of sounds like Bullwinkle or Boris Badenov. I've watched a good chunk of the series and I think it's honestly pretty good... yeah, spoiler alert. This is another one of those times where I've already seen the thing I'm reviewing and I'm just reviewing it to shed a little light on something I think is underrated.

We'll be watching the ninth episode, "The Beauty and the Beast Bungle", which I feel summarizes the show as a whole pretty well. This is Fairy Tale Police Department.

The episode begins at a little cottage where Beauty and her father live. The dad is off to the city, and Beauty asks for him to bring back a nice red rose. This is pretty accurate to the original fairy tale, except in that Beauty also had two nasty sisters. I guess they didn't make it into this adaptation of the story either. No wonder they're so bitter...

Anyhow, we then cut to what looks like Cinderella Castle...

Or at least a castle with the same color scheme...

I don't know if this was intentional or not... I'm guessing the latter, since there are very few if any Disney references in this show. Which is honestly pretty weird - most of the fairy tales this show lampoons are the very same fairy tales that Disney has made iconic animated movies based on. Pinocchio is a recurring character, there's an episode about Snow White, there's an episode about Sleeping Beauty, there's an episode about Aladdin... heck, this very episode doesn't feature a single reference to Disney's version of Beauty and the Beast! Seeing how Disney's takes on these stories are the ones that most people think of when they hear the names "Sleeping Beauty" or "Snow White", it's weird that the showrunners apparently never thought to include a single reference to any of them. Were they afraid Disney might sue them if they did or something?

Ah well, I guess I'll just have to make up for the fact that this episode doesn't make any references to Disney's Beauty and the Beast by making as many references to it in this review as possible. After returning from the city, the dad realizes that he forgot the rose and sneaks into the castle walls to snatch one from a rose bush out front. But the owner of the castle, a hideous beast, is none too pleased by that.

This is what the Beast looks like:

"To my TAILFIN?"

...yeah, a bat-eared boar with what looks like a rooster comb. Wearing a leather jacket. Not exactly the scariest Beast design I've ever seen.

Anyway, the dad is all "Spare me! I have a daughter!" and upon seeing a photo of Beauty, the Beast decides that he'll let the dad go free if he sends Beauty to his castle, where she will stay one week. Just one week? Isn't it usually forever? I guess the Beast is feeling generous today...

"So, you've come to stare at the BEAST, have you?!"

Then we're in the FTPD Headquarters, where DA CHIEF is explaining all of this to Chris, Johnny, and Wanda. Who's Wanda? Well, she's apparently the Fairy Godmother from this show's version of Cinderella, with a bit of Winsome Witch thrown in personality-wise. Not very good at magic.

DA CHIEF explains to them that Beauty and the Beast have to fall in love in just one week. Problem is, word has spread throughout the world about Beauty's... well, BEAUTY. Thus, folks like the Earl of Yabbo, Count Chrono, and Vicount Vanity (or whatever their names are, I'm just going off how YouTube's captions spell 'em) are on their way to woo her, and if she falls for them the fairy tale will be ruined and... I'm not sure what that means. Maybe it'll cause Fairy Tale Land to fall apart. Like, the earth opening up to swallow people whole or all the magic in the world being drained or something.

"Now, it has come to my attention that I've previously been in every single cartoon starring
police officers EVER. The big, grouchy chief who sits at his desk barking orders at everyone.
I want to know if  there's a reason for that."

"Lazy writing?"

"Yeah, probably..."

Johnny suggests that maybe the noble guys are so ugly there's no way Beauty will choose any of them over the Beast. Then DA CHIEF shows him photos of them and... well, they're not exactly Brad Pitt or anything, but as far as fairy tale characters go, you could do worse.

'Course, if they're anything like Gaston, I'd say the FTPD don't have anything to worry about.

Why does every other character on this show have a gigantic chin?

DA CHIEF says that he wants the three of them to go over to the castle and do a little matchmaking. On the way there, Chris asks Wanda how the Beast got so ugly in the first place, to which Wanda says that she knows the whole story. "It was his stepmother, Wilma. We went to Godmother School together," she explains. Many years ago, the Beast was a handsome prince who Wilma cursed because she was fed up with him making Flintstones jokes at her expense.

Okay, obviously that's not it, but c'mon, her name is WILMA. I had to make that joke. Actually, the prince was mean, snobby and selfish. Wilma was all "You stop being such a jerk!", to which the prince was all "You're not the boss of me!", and then Wilma was all "Abracadabra! You're a beast." And he will stay a Beast until a beautiful girl says that she loves him.

Does it HAVE to be a beautiful girl? What if it's a plain-looking girl? Or an ugly one?

I love the Beast's expression here.

Upon hearing this story, Johnny asks, "I wonder what it's like being ugly." Wanda's response is, "Ask the Chief!"

Dang, the Fairy Godmother just roasted somebody. Wasn't expecting THAT to happen.

"'Ask the chief,' she says. Hilarious!"

When the three arrive at the castle, the Beast is giving his servants - who are NOT a candlestick, a clock, and a teapot - a hard time. In response, they quit and leave to take up jobs with the Jolly Green Giant. This conveniently gives Chris, Johnny and Wanda a way to stick around the castle without the Beast wondering why they're there: they'll claim that they're looking for work as a maid, butler and cook. Then Beauty and her father show up.

Who the heck has a waistline like that?

After the dad leaves, Beauty teaches the Beast about the importance of saying the word "Please", even if it's to his servants. And it seems as though Beauty is already taking a liking to the Beast. Is this how it went down in the original fairy tale? In the Disney version, Belle didn't start to fall for the Beast until he stopped acting like, y'know, a monster towards her. To be honest, I haven't read the original story, I just know the basic plot outline. Maybe original Beauty had a thing for rejected Muppets, I don't know.

Or maybe not, as up until now Beauty hasn't actually SEEN the Beast yet (he was hiding when she first entered the castle). Upon getting a good look at him, she reacts like this:

Now I wish that had been BELLE'S reaction to seeing the Beast for the first time.

Like I said before, I don't think this version of the Beast is that scary-looking. I mean, he looks like somebody slapped a leather jacket on a Wuzzle. So... overreaction much, Beauty?

Beauty runs out of the castle screaming, which makes the Beast feel sad and start crying. Despite saying earlier that she trusts the Beast, now she's all "Oh woe is me, I'm being held captive by a cross between the Tasmanian Devil and Pumbaa from The Lion King!". Chris urges her to give the Beast a chance.

Meanwhile, Wanda is failing at magic.

Hey, look. Johnny is a pothead.





Yeah, that's the height of wit that you're going to see in this review. You can stop
reading now if you want...

Johnny asks Wanda to whip him up a butler's uniform, to which Wanda obliges... after accidentally dressing him like Cap'n Crunch. Soon it's dinner time, but the Beast is too afraid to eat with Beauty because he's embarrassed by how he looks. But with some coaxing from Beauty and Johnny, he has a seat and they seem to hit it off.

Not much happens, actually. But the day AFTER that, the Beast finds out that the Earl of Yabbo, Count Chrono, and Vicount Vanity are on their way to woo Beauty. "I shall crush their bones and make pies with their innards!" he declares, but Chris reminds him that if he sends them away (or eats them), Beauty will never know if they could have brought her the happiness that the Beast wants her to have. This is their way of not letting him know that they've got plans to stop 'em from marrying Beauty themselves.

Count Chrono and Vicount Vanity (who the heck name their kid "Vanity"? It'd be like naming them "Gluttonous" or "Has an Abnormally-Large Nose") show up. Wanda claims that Beauty would just LOVE a painting as a gift and tells the vicount that a famous artist is staying at the castle and can help him out with that. Meanwhile, Johnny tells the count that diamonds are a girl's best friend and that a friend of his from Australia who'd be HAPPY to give him one of his is staying at the castle.

Two things. One, I like how the count's initial reaction to Johnny suggesting diamonds is "Oh, but zhey are so exPENsive!". Isn't he a count? Don't counts tend to be rich? Two, is Australia known for having a lot of diamonds? Or is that just a reference to the show's country of origin?

"I use antlers in all of my DEEEEEEEEEEECORAAAAAAAAATING!"

So Wanda, posing as the famous artist, whips the vicount up a painting and Johnny, poorly disguised as an Australian, gives the count a diamond. The count then proceeds to claim that Australians are stupid. Boy, wasn't expecting to hear that in an Australian-made show...

Upon seeing Beauty, the count and the vicount make complete idiots out of themselves.

"You are zhe most beautiful woman we have ever seen! Even if you don't have a nose!"

Predictably, Beauty isn't all that flattered by the vicount giving her a gigantic portrait of himself, and the count decides to keep the diamond for himself and give her a handkerchief instead. She calls them both fools and tells Johnny to show them the door.

The next day sees the arrival of the Earl of Yabbo, who quickly reveals himself to be a snooty snob. So the Beast has absolutely nothing to worry about here.

He also sounds like a more flamboyant Terry-Thomas.

After snooting it up and insulting Johnny, Chris, Wanda AND Beauty, the earl ignites the wrath of the Beast. "If you talk to my servants like that again, you'll regret it!" he snaps. Then Beauty tells the earl to go suck an egg. You go, girl!

I just noticed that his hair kind of looks like Dr. Doofenschmirtz's. The Beast's,
not the earl's.

We cut back to the FTPD Headquarters, where DA CHIEF informs us that the week's almost up, and Beauty must fall in love with the Bearded Warthog by that night or else the fairy tale will be ruined. This scene gives us the episode's only appearance by my personal favorite character on the show, Claude. He's a frog who's also a scientist. You'd think it'd be pretty dangerous to be a frog in a science lab - aren't most scientists more concerned with dissecting frogs than working with them?

"Hey, Chief, can I have the week off? I was hoping to visit my cousin on Gullah Gullah
Island..."

As they're setting the table, the Beast tells Johnny, Chris, and Wanda that the dinner must be perfect if he wants to win Beauty's heart. Too bad there aren't any singing dishes around to put on a production number for her. Regardless, it seems as though there's something going on between Beauty and the Beast...

But what's this? A million royal dudes have shown up at the door in the hopes of winning Beauty's hand in marriage. Okay, really? Is Beauty just the only pretty girl in all of Fairy Tale Land that isn't already married?

Sorry, King Swedish Chef, but your beauty is in another castle.

"I can see it all clearly now," the Beast laments. "If not these twelve, then another twelve, then another THOUSAND... they will all seek your hand. I have looked at love once... perhaps that was all I was destined to have." He sadly leaves the room, Beauty starts crying, and Johnny, Chris and Wanda start searching for him. But alas, by the time Beauty's dad shows up in the morning, they still haven't found the Beast. But then Beauty gets an idea...

"CRAAAAAAAAAAAAAWLING IIIIIIIIIN MY SKIIIIIIIIIIIIN..."

They find the Beast in his garden, where Beauty tells him that she loves him and kisses him on the lips. The curse is lifted!

Meh, he looked better as a beast.

"Another case closed," Chris declares, and thus the episode ends with her, Johnny and Wanda heading back to the station. But wait, whatever happened to the stepmother? Did she move to Bedrock and marry Fred Flintstone? Did the Beast eat her? Did she decide to go bother Cinderella? I demand closure!

What's the Verdict?

If I could sum up Fairy Tale Police Department in one word, it would be "goofy". The good kind of goofy, that is. It's one of those rare "Fractured Fairy Tales" productions that isn't too focused on shoehorning in pop culture references (like in Shrek), trying to be "hip" (like in Happily N'Ever After) or trying to subvert the audience's expectations (like in Frozen with its "THE PRINCE IS ACTUALLY EEEEEEEEEEEEVIL, ELSA WAS RIGHT TO TELL ANNA THAT SHE SHOULDN'T MARRY SOMEBODY SHE JUST MET, AREN'T WE CLEVER?!"). It just feels like, if you were to turn a fairy tale into a cop show, this is how you'd do it. The jokes all land for the most part, though nothing is particularly "laugh out loud" funny aside from Wanda's epic roasting of DA CHIEF. The characters... well, they're not super-interesting with the possible exception of Claude, but they're pretty fun to watch. And I like the goofy character designs given to most of the characters.

So, yeah, all in all I recommend giving Fairy Tale Police Department a look. You can find most if not all of the episodes on YouTube.

What's our next review going to be?