Back to the Drawing Board: "Finding Nemo 2"

Like many, I was skeptical when it was announced that PIXAR was making a sequel to Finding Nemo. Knowing Disney's track record with sequels, combined with Cars 2 being... well, Cars 2, there was a very good chance that it could turn out lousy. What if they had the film be a rehash of the first one, with Nemo searching for his daughter or Marlin searching for Nemo AGAIN or some crap like that?

Then, in 2016, the sequel was released. And y'know what? It was actually quite good. It focused on Dory, Marlin and Nemo going in search of Dory's family, featured Ed O'Neil as an octopus, and culminated in Dory hijacking a truck. How can you go wrong with Dory hijacking a truck?

Despite receiving positive reviews from critics and making mucho moolah at the box office, nowadays Finding Dory seems to be considered one of PIXAR's weaker films. You usually see it lumped in with Cars 2 and Monsters University (which I personally liked as well) when people are talking about how much PIXAR's post-Toy Story 3 films suck. But I have something to say to those people - we could've had a far, far worse sequel to Finding Nemo. And I can sum up why in one word and one number: Circle 7.

I've talked about Circle 7 before on this blog. Here's the "Too Long, Didn't Read" version of what I said - Disney set up an animation studio to produce awful direct-to-video sequels to PIXAR's movies that they'd distributed, but then they bought PIXAR in 2006 and cancelled said awful direct-to-video sequels. I've already looked at what their version of Toy Story 3 was going to be like, but they were also planning on making sequels to Finding Nemo and Monsters Inc.

And what luck - at one point the script for their Finding Nemo 2 was posted online, allowing me to read it and see how lucky we were to get Finding Dory instead. Unfortunately, the script has since been taken down, but you can still find it on a site that requires you to download something called "ePaper" to read it. Good thing I write these posts months in advance, huh?

I would do one of these posts for Monsters Inc. 2 as well, but the script for that hasn't wound up online yet. The good news is, somebody online managed to find the script and did a video detailing its plot (it honestly doesn't sound like it would've been too bad).

Now that that's out of the way, let's look at the script for what would have been Circle 7's Finding Nemo 2. A main plot point is that this time MARLIN gets captured and NEMO has to find him. Y'know, since in the first film NEMO was captured and MARLIN had to find him, so inverting it is automatically clever?

Actually, no. No, it isn't. That's literally just as lazy and trite a sequel idea as having Nemo searching for his daughter or something. But, on with the script itself...

NOTE: To my knowledge, there is no concept art for this film online, so I had to create drawings of certain scenes from the script to prevent this post from being really, really boring to look at. I'll also include some random Finding Nemo-related memes I find online for the same reason.

Finding Nemo 2 begins... exactly the same way as the first movie did. With Marlin and Coral looking over their eggs. Then a ferocious barracuda comes along and gobbles up Coral and the eggs... except for one, containing Nemo. But what's this? There's ANOTHER egg that survived the attack. It's sent drifting with the current through a vast landscape of coral and nooks and crannies before landing in a soft nest of yellow fish eggs. Didn't Dinosaur open in a similar way?

Cut to present day. Nemo's classmates consider him the fish equivalent of Chuck Norris after his little adventure being taken to Sydney Harbor. It helps that he did a bit of exaggerating and told them that he beat the crap out of humans with one fin tied behind his back. I don't remember a scene like that in Finding Nemo. Marlin, who's watching this all go down with the other students' parents, is concerned - Nemo's been acting like this ever since they got back from Sydney. Dory and the parents are all, "Chill out, Marlin, wasn't that your entire character arc in the first movie?"

It should be obvious that I'm not very good at drawing fish...

After that, Dory goes for a little swim and encounters Percy, a bottlenose dolphin with one of those tracking device things that scientists put on sea life when they want to study them. "Maybe I'm just being paranoid, but I feel like I'm being followed," he claims. Dory then proceeds to spout a bunch of information about bottlenose dolphins, then proceeds to forget everything that she just said. Dory's shtick in this movie seems to be that she's trying to improve her memory but is failing at it.

Later, Nemo is swimming along minding his own business before he encounters another clownfish that looks exactly like him. I know what you're thinking - does this result in the cliched Mirror Routine gag? The answer to that is YES. Yes, it does. The other clownfish, according to the script, is named Remy. If that name sounds familiar, it's because Remy is also the name of an actual PIXAR character.

And this was written before Ratatouille was released. Ironic, isn't it?

Remy looks similar to Nemo, but his cheeks are leaner, his face is "a little more handsome" (what does that mean? How could a fish's face look "handsome"? What, were they gonna slap Brad Pitt's face on the character model or something?), and he has more "swagger" and "attitude" (I don't like the sound of that) than Nemo. Also, he doesn't have a "lucky fin" like Nemo does. When Nemo mentions that his father's name is Marlin, the clownfish says that he thinks he's Nemo's brother!

I doubt they were actually going to give Remy sunglasses, but I figured putting them
on him would help convey how he has more "swagger" and "attitude" than Nemo.

Marlin is extremely shocked, but also overjoyed, when Nemo introduces him to Remy. He can't believe that he has another son. It took forever for Remy to find them (he found out about them because of how Marlin's story about how he was looking for Nemo got passed around the ocean in the first film - you remember that scene, right?). Remy also says that he was raised by a clan of "Fighting Fire Fish". But, what's this? Marlin is so preoccupied with Remy that he's starting to ignore Nemo. And all the other kids... er, fish... at school are thinking that Remy is awesome while ignoring Nemo, too. This, predictably, makes Nemo feel left out.

Surprisingly, Marlin doesn't do much to help with the situation. He tries to cheer Nemo up by saying, "We can't all be athletic. You're a great student." And then when Nemo asks if they can really be sure that this new clownfish is his brother, Marlin says, "Are you kidding? Look at him! He could be your twin. Well... except for the fin." Wow, way to put your foot, which you don't even have, in your mouth, Marlin.

As if Nemo wasn't feeling crummy enough, he also has to share his birthday celebration with Remy. So, what I'm getting from this script is that they're trying to tell the kids at home that being a twin stinks. Marlin continues to play favorites, then Nemo storms off. Remy swims after him, leaving Marlin to complain to Dory about how can't handle this situation. "I feel like I need a drink. Do fish drink?" he asks. Oh, good, our first example of out of place "edgy" humor! I was wondering when that would show up. It's scary how close we were to having Marlin say that he needs a drink and Buzz looking up a doll's dress.

That's supposed to be Marlin in a bar with a can of beer.

Nemo and Remy start arguing. "I see what you're doing. You're trying to make everybody think you're so cool," Nemo says. "But just showing up here doesn't make you my brother. You don't belong here. There's millions of clownfish in the sea! Your father could have been any one of them. So leave mine alone!" Then Remy tells him to shut up and charges at him. Marlin has to stop their fight. Then Remy turns on Marlin, demanding to know why Marlin "left [him]" before swimming away.

Then a gigantic drag net shows up out of nowhere and heads Remy's way. "Not again!" Marlin moans, because even HE knows that this script is rehashing the first movie. He bats Remy out of the way, only to get swallowed up by the net himself. Oh, and remember Percy? He gets caught by the net too.

Dory shows up, and Nemo and Remy fill her in as to what happened. Fortunately, Dory says that she thinks she knows where the boat is going. You see, earlier Percy mentioned that the boat he was picked up by was a "Planet Blue" boat. So Nemo and Remy follow her, continuing to bicker with each other all the way. Why do I have the feeling that Nemo and Remy bickering is going to take up a large percentage of this script?

Planet Blue turns out to be some sort of SeaWorld-esque marine park. Marlin and Percy are dumped into a large tank of water, where a bunch of other dolphins are taking part in an aquatic chorus line (the script's words, not mine).

Here's some concept art for the dolphins that appeared in the first Finding Nemo.

A few days later, Nemo, Remy, and Dory arrive at a bay close to Planet Blue. How will they get there now? Well, Dory says, "If we could just get the ocean level to rise... we need some global warming. Anybody got a match?" Yep, this is a script written in the 2000s all right. Then again, global warming is still a problem so I can't say that it DATES the script. It's still not very funny, though...

Remy spots a three-foot diameter intake pipe in the distance and swims towards it, Nemo and Dory chasing after him. When they get closer, they discover that the pipe has an impeller that it uses to suck in the sea water - and before they can swim away, they get caught in its suction. Uh-oh, something tells me that this is gonna become GRINDING Nemo in a second...

After getting away from the pipe, just barely managing to avoid getting shredded like taco beef (kind of like that one scene from the first film where Nemo was nearly shredded like taco beef by that one pipe in the aquarium filter. Coincidence? I think not), Nemo yells at Remy for being so reckless. How will they get to Planet Blue now? Well, they find an overflow pipe with water gushing out of it. Nemo's assumption is that they can channel the intrepid salmon and "swim upstream". But Nemo is not a salmon, he is a clownfish, and the overflow is too strong, so he winds up failing epically at it. Multiple times.

Then guess who shows up? Gill! Nemo fills him in as to what's going on. Dory mentions that she thinks she's been there before. Gill claims, "No fish has ever come out of there." And then Dory starts rapping. It's just as dumb as it sounds.

Gill finds a piece of a map of Planet Blue. Since trying to take the intake pipe didn't work and trying to take the outflow pipe didn't work either, Gill says that they have to "make the 'out' the 'in'." This requires the help of a pack of sea lions.

Not these guys, unfortunately.

The sea lions steal a parasail and shove it the intake pipe, breaking the impeller. Nemo, Remy, and Dory head in, and discover that the pipe has an echo. Then they have a burping contest. I'd complain about how incredibly disgusting that joke is, but the first movie DID have a gag where Bloat burps and I know that if I don't bring that up, I'm going to get a lot of people pointing it out to me and demanding to know why I'm complaining about a burp joke in this script when there was one in the first movie. To which I say, that was just ONE burp, not MULTIPLE. And, honestly, I don't even think Bloat's burp was that funny either.

Eventually, they come to a fork in the pipe, multiple pipes veering off in different directions. Which one do they take? Remy decides to pick one at random, and they follow him into a dark aquarium tank... to be precise, the octopus tank. Uh-oh...

This octopus isn't a comedic character with the voice of Ed O'Neil. It grabs Nemo and Remy with its tentacles so it can... eat them, I'm guessing. Fortunately, the bottom of the tank is full of squeaky toys, so Dory just grabs them and starts throwing them at the octopus, resulting in it letting go of Nemo and Remy. Blah-blah-blah, chase sequence, blah-blah-blah... eventually, they escape back into the pipe. And since Remy's the one who chose the pipe that led to the octopus tank (by the way, how come the octopus doesn't talk in a script where all other sea creatures talk?), we get - you guessed it - more of Remy and Nemo arguing!

Dory gets them to stop fighting (for now, anyway) and then we check back in with Marlin. He has to deal with Percy and two other dolphins, one a stereotypical diva and the other a stereotypical Shakesperian actor. After Marlin brings up that Nemo and Remy might kill each other if he's not there, Percy offers to splash him over the fence - the ocean's just on the other side. So he does that... only for Marlin to land in a bucket of water left on the cement next to the fence. Belonging to the janitor. You had ONE JOB, Percy. ONE JOB!

Meanwhile, Gill and the sea lions see some divers trying to get the parasail out of the pipe. This could be a problem. Fortunately, Nemo, Remy and Dory have arrived at the dolphin tank. Just after Marlin was hurled out of it. Talk about lousy timing. Speaking of Marlin, the bucket that he's in has been wheeled into a kitchen full of people chopping up salmon. I honestly thought the script was gonna go all "Les Poissons" on us for a second, but then the bucket is wheeled out of the room. Eventually Marlin falls out of the bucket and into a pool, where he encounters a polar bear. It promptly gobbles Marlin up. The end.

Just kidding. The polar bear's name is Blanca. She tells Marlin that she has to eat him because if she doesn't, the other polar bears, Brad and Louie, will laugh at her. They're always picking on her. Marlin tells her to just stand up to them, one shouldn't let their life be dictated by fear and anxiety, which is something he knows from experience.

Back to Nemo, Remy, and Dory. They're interrogating the dolphins on what happened to Marlin. The dolphins are all, "Yeah, he's probably polar bear food by now." Then we cut back to Marlin, who's still talking to Blanca, amazed that he's finally met someone more neuronic than HE IS. And then we cut back to Nemo, Remy, Dory, and the dolphins. Well, that cutaway to Marlin was completely pointless, then. Could've just had the polar bear ask Marlin if she was fat BEFORE cutting back to Nemo, Dory and Remy. But nope, gotta be disjointed. Nemo and Remy start bickering again, Dory gets scooped up by a pole net, and we get some WHACKY SHENANIGANS involving the dolphins.

One of the dolphins fills Nemo and Remy in as to which way in the pipe goes to the polar bears. They head back into the pipe... just as the divers have gotten the parasail out of the impeller. Lousy timing rears its ugly head once again.

Fortunately, instead of being shredded they wind up in some sort of pirate-themed tank, with a sunken pirate ship and animatronic pirate skeletons and all that. Meanwhile, Brad and Louie decide that if Blanca's not gonna eat Marlin, THEY will. Blanca tries to stop them, but they're only stopped by the appearance of buckets of salmon. After they leave, Marlin asks why Brad and Louie are so mean to her. According to Blanca, she's not from the Arctic like them, she's from Cleveland, and they never let her forget it. Also, when she got there, she tripped and fell down, breaking a claw in the process. That's another thing they give her a hard time about.

Remy meets an oyster, a crab, and a clam. The crab asks if he wants to "pull [his] claw" (real classy, guys...). The clam acts like some sort of Zen master. The oyster has a stick up its rear end. Back at the polar bear habitat, Blanca introduces Marlin to watermelon while Brad and Louie crack bad jokes. For example, what do you get when you cross a polar bear and a seal? A polar bear. Depressingly, while that joke is lame it's still the funniest joke in the script thus far.

Gill and the sea lions are trying to block the pipe by stuffing more trash into it. Remy nearly ditches Nemo in the pirate tank to go back into the pipe, but Nemo spots him in the act and flips out. "Hey, don't mess with me. I'm a fighting fish. You're just a wimp with a little fin," Remy replies, making it hard for me to feel sympathy for him when Nemo angrily swats him into some rocks.

Remy tries to swim off, but runs afoul of a sea snake. He's too scared to get away from it, making Nemo realize that Remy's all bark and no bite (or whatever the fish equivalent of that saying is). Nemo and Remy work together to outwit the sea snake and then get the heck out of there, the snake in hot pursuit. Eventually, they wind up in a shallow pool.

And guess who's there? The seagulls! Remember those guys? Two of them are perched on the ledge. They spot Nemo and Remy in the water and of course start shouting, "MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE!" And then the snake pops up, hissing furiously... and the seagulls turn to each other and say, "Yours." Okay, I will admit that was pretty funny.

So, after getting away from the snake, Nemo and Remy start arguing again, and then Remy is scooped up by another net. Nemo jumps into the net with him, and it takes them to the isolation tank. We cut back to Gill and the sea lions... then we cut back to Marlin and Blanca. Marlin admits that he was prejudiced towards mammals... ouch, Marlin was racist? Or in this case, species-ist? What is it with these Circle 7 scripts and making beloved PIXAR characters racist (need I bring up "Me no speakey Taiwaneesey!" or whatever that awful line was?).

Disturbingly, it seems as though Blanca is falling in love with Marlin. Despite the fact that she's a polar bear and he's a clownfish. Why does a polar bear have the hots for a clownfish? Why is this a thing that we very nearly got? Maybe I'm just looking too far into this...

Then again, he DOES look a lot like Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson...

Changing the subject, Marlin admits that he hasn't done right by his boys. "I didn't know how to handle two at once. They should have been friends, but they're at each other's throats. Everything I said just made it worse," he points out. And y'know what? He's right. He didn't handle the situation well at all. So after that, Blanca swims over to the grate covering the overflow pipe and tries to pry it off. Alas, she doesn't have any luck.

Back to Nemo and Remy. Remy's got a fever (of a hundred and three... sorry, couldn't resist). He admits to Nemo that "Everybody thinks you're so smart... I could never be like you... I had to be something..." Also, he wasn't raised by fighting fish. He was raised by weed fish. Hundreds of them. "Too many mouths to feed..." he says. "I never fit in." That's why he went looking for Marlin. He's all Remy had. And now, Nemo is all he has.

The next morning, Remy is feeling better. But then he and Nemo are suddenly grabbed by a giant hand with a plastic bag! They wind up in a tank decorated to look like a coral reef. And guess what? Dory's there too. Yeah, she's still in this movie. And she's also come across her brothers and sisters. Turns out this is where she's from.

So, now we have Dory's family in this script too. Funny how many similarities the script has to Finding Dory. Like I said in my post about the Circle 7 Toy Story 3 scripts, I highly doubt anyone at PIXAR actually read this script or would've wanted to steal plot elements from it, so I'm guessing it's just a coincidence.

The other blue tangs tell Nemo and Remy about another outflow pipe that the tank has, but then a human diver shows up and starts sealing the pipe for maintenance. Gill and the sea lions are still clogging up the pipe. And the chilly temperatures of the polar bear habitat are doing a number on Marlin. Fortunately, Nemo spots a giant protein skimmer up at the top of the tank. When they swim up to the top, he, Remy and Dory spot a large drain labeled "MAIN OUTFLOW PIPE" that the aquarium workers are dumping the contents of the protein skimmer into. All they have to do is jump into the protein skimmer and they'll be to Marlin in no time. Desperate times call for desperate - and disgusting - measures.

Dory hesitates for a second (should she stay with her siblings or go with Nemo and Remy?), then they all jump in. But Marlin is now pale and unconscious, and it's up to Blanca to keep this script from taking a turn for the depressing. So she grabs a bucket led by a maintenance worker, puts Marlin in it, and climbs up the back wall of the exhibit with the bucket's handle in her teeth. Marlin comes to. Brad and Louie are impressed.

Blanca runs around Planet Blue with Marlin in the bucket, resulting in multiple tourists panicking over the fact that there's a polar bear that escaped from its habitat. They're approaching a marshy landscaping pond... but then Blanca is hit by a tranquilizer dart. Fortunately, Marlin manages to flop over to the pond.

Meanwhile, Gill and the sea lions have succeeded in clogging up the pipe again. A diver shows up to investigate, but then another beloved Finding Nemo character shows up as a Deus Ex Machina. Specifically, this guy:

How did he get there? Who cares, the script's almost over.

Nemo, Remy, and Dory emerge from a pipe into the very same pond that Marlin wound up in. It's happy reunion time... except that Remy feels left out and tries to leave. He says that he doesn't belong with them. Nemo gives a big speech about how he's part of their family, then Marlin gives a big speech about how he can handle having two kids and yadda yadda yadda. But that diver who got scared off by Bruce is explaining to the Chief Park Engineer what happened, so the Chief decides that they'll just have to "back flush the intake pipe". Buttons on a control panel are pushed, and just as Marlin, Nemo, Remy, and Dory are about to leave through another pipe, they hear rattling and banging in the pipes overhead, then see valves slamming shut. "We've gotta go back!" Marlin exclaims. "Hurry! Or we'll be trapped!"

Okay, this technically isn't a meme, but upon finding this I knew I had to put it
in the post.

They manage to get out, but in the process Dory winds up slamming her head into a root, knocking her out cold. When she comes to, she has her memory back. Apparently, the reason why she suffered from short-term memory loss in the first place is because she hit her head while escaping from Planet Blue the first time. And she knows the way out of there, so they follow her... through a habitat full of hungry flamingos. But, thanks to Dory, they're able to escape from the flamingos and approach the way out of Planet Blue - a flume ride themed after a sawmill. With a water wheel and everything. "All we have to do is get to the top. Ride the track to the splash down lagoon," Dory explains. "Wait for the right moment. Then ride the giant splash up over the park fence. Into the tidal river. And out into the bay." Will they pull it off?

Yep. They go down the track and land in the lagoon, and the resulting splash sends them hurtling over the park railing and into a tidal river... where Dory hits her head on a rock. Oh, great, so now her memory's gone again, right?

Actually, no. She's just messing with them. But wait! Where's Remy? Oh, wait, there he is. False alarm. So they all head home, leaving Gill with the sea lions. The end.

Yeah, that wasn't very good. Not quite as bad as the Toy Story 3 scripts, but I'm still reaaaaaaally glad this wasn't the Finding Nemo sequel we got. Much like the aforementioned Toy Story 3 scripts, characters spend a good chunk of the script bickering with each other and acting like out of character tools. Most of the jokes fall flat. It falls into that pesky sequel trap of rehashing the first film and making zero effort to hide it. The new characters were dull. And why does a polar bear fall in love with a clownfish? Seriously, WHY?

I'm honestly glad that Circle 7 got shut down before they could whip up scripts for sequels to A Bug's Life, The Incredibles, and Cars. Who knows what they would've done for THOSE?

I don't want to end this post on a negative note, so... here. I found this on Google Image Search and I thought this was pretty funny:

Let's Watch This: An Episode of "Birdz"

NOTE: Please do not take any of the little nitpicks in this review (or any of my other reviews, for that matter) seriously. I write these reviews in the hopes of making people laugh. Those nitpicks are really just dumb little observations that I'm attempting to make jokes out of, not complaints that add to whether or not I like something.

Oh-ho-ho, boy. I've got a really obscure one today.

Birdz is a Nelvana-produced cartoon created by Larry Jacobs. It premiered on CBS in October 1998 and received thirteen episodes. Why didn't it get more than thirteen episodes? Larry Jacobs explained why in an IMDB review - it aired Saturday mornings on CBS at eleven o'clock, after a two-hour news block. Any kids that might have been watching the channel earlier in the day presumably got tired of sitting through the news waiting for the cartoons to start and switched to the Disney Channel or The WB. And on top of that, the show was completely original and had no pre-sold materials like books (which meant no huge publisher behind the show to push for a better time slot), toys (so there wasn't a huge merchandiser to convince the higher-ups at CBS to give it a better time slot either) or movies. D'oh.

The show focused on Eddie Storkowitz (voiced by Susan Roman), an eleven-year-old bird of some unidentifiable species who lives in a world of anthropomorphic birds. He wants to become a filmmaker. He lives with his mother Betty (Sally Cahill); a professional artist, his father Monty (David Huband); a psychiatrist, his hippie older sister Steffy (Stephanie Morgenstern), and his baby sister Abby (Alison Sealy Smith). Eddie's friends include Gregory the Woodpecker (Rick Jones), Olivia the Owl (Karen Bernstein), Tommy the Turkey (Adam Reid), Spring the Robin (Ruby Smith Merovitz), and Sleepy the Bat (Julie Lemieux). Despite being anthropomorphic, the birds in Birdz still participate in bird behavior such as living in trees, flying, eating bugs, and flying south for the winter.

Those that remember Birdz look back on the show fondly, but is the show really as good as they claim? Let's find out. We'll be watching the episode "Big Beak or Not Big Beak". But first, the theme song:

Yes, the theme song is a cover of "Surfin' Bird". Who let Peter Griffin onto the show's staff?

The episode begins with Eddie filming his classroom with a video camera. "There's a buzz in the air..." he claims, "And it ain't from the flies. The big end-of-year assignment is due in a few days... a one-thousand-word essay that starts with the words 'I like me because...' Me, I'm just like the rest of these birds... putting it off to the very last minute."

...are big end of the year assignments really a thing? I don't remember ever having to write a thousand-word essay before the last day of school when I was eleven.

"Get that camera outta my face!"

Most of Eddie's classmates then reveal that they've actually finished their essays already. Sleepy, being a bat, was up all night anyway.

Interesting fact about Sleepy, he's apparently the only non-bird character in the entire series. Apparently Eddie's town is a birds-only society. If bats are allowed, shouldn't sugar gliders or flying squirrels be allowed as well? Heck, how come the BUGS aren't anthropomorphic? They can fly too.

I bet Sleepy is the star athlete of the school's baseball team.

Get it? 'Cause he's a BAT?

The teacher, Miss Finch (Jill Frappier)...

...no, not THAT one... reminds the class that their essays are due on Monday. After Eddie is all "Oh, yeah, I've totally got most of the essay started! And I'm not just saying that to cover up the fact that I'm putting it off until the last minute!", she tells him that if he can do it in video form. And since, as I've previously stated, Eddie wants to be a filmmaker, he's all over that. He asks Sleepy to start filming him as soon as Miss Finch is out of the room.

I can't think of a funny comment to make here, so have a bird joke: why do hummingbirds
hum? Because if they sang, they'd be singingbirds. Hey, I didn't say it was a GOOD bird joke.

So Sleepy starts filming, but Eddie winds up falling into a fantasy sequence in which he is William Shakespeare and Miss Finch is totally in love with him. Yes, Eddie has the hots for his teacher and fantasizes about them being in a relationship. How very, very creepy.

Here we see William Storkspere putting the finishing touches on his latest play, Romeostrich
and Juliet.

(Note to self: think of better bird puns)

Eddie is snapped out of his incredibly creepy fantasy sequence by the actual Miss Finch, who makes a comment about his "noble proboscis". Too bad he doesn't know what a proboscis is, so when he gets home he looks it up on the internet. And just in case you couldn't tell that this was made in the 1990s, take a look at his computer:

Did computers actually look like that in 1998?

Eddie discovers that "proboscis" basically means "a very large nose" and freaks out because this means Miss Finch thinks he has a big beak. Meanwhile, I'm just imagining Eddie as one of those proboscis monkeys. Y'know, the ones with the huge schnozzes?

Speaking of imagining, Eddie has another fantasy sequence, this one depicting him as the Bigfoot-esque "Big-Beak". I honestly think depicting him as a proboscis monkey would've been funnier, but eh...

By the way, what's with that weird filter around the fantasy sequences?

Eddie asks his parents if they think he has a big beak. To which Monty says that yes, it is. "It's a Storkowitz family trait!" he declares, and they're very proud of it. This does nothing to make Eddie feel more confident.

I bet the Storkowitzes are called "nosy" a lot.

Y'know, the name "Storkowitz" implies that these guys are supposed to be, y'know, storks. Why don't they look even remotely like storks? This is what a stork looks like:

What, could they just not find a way to make an anthropomorphic stork look appealing? And while I'm asking questions, how come Monty has a British accent yet the rest of the family has American accents?

That night, Eddie has a dream in which he is the monster "Franken-Stork", being chased through town by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks. "Me not monster!" he insists. "You know they say: big beak, big heart." "Yes," Monty says, "He speaks true." "Should we judge him not for the size of his beak, but for the strength of his character?" Betty suggests. "No. He's ugly. GET HIM!" Steffy declares, and then they all beat the crap out of Eddie. I find this far funnier than I probably should.

"We don't like what we don't understand, in fact it scares us, and this monster is mysterious
at leaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaast!"

Eddie wakes up screaming, and then screams some more upon discovering that Sleepy is standing in his room with a video camera. Because, hey, who WOULDN'T be terrified upon waking up to find one of your friends standing in your room video-taping you while you sleep?

"I'm uploading this to YouTube, by the way!"

Eddie declares that he must do something about his big beak. Makeup doesn't help. Trying to cover it up with a scarf doesn't either. Even wearing a paper bag over his head is hopeless. But then he receives a package in the mail... at night? Um, okay... and when he opens it up, he finds the Beak-Shrinker Deluxe!

Here's an idea, Eddie: maybe if somebody makes fun of your big beak, you could just
use it to poke their eye out. It would be a lot easier than trying to shrink it.

According to the manual, Eddie has to wear that thing for ninety days if he wants to have a smaller beak. His family is horrified upon seeing him wear it, and there are other drawbacks too. He has difficulty breathing and eating with it on, which leads to it snapping into a million pieces.

So that idea was a bust. Looks like he's only got one more option: PLASTIC SURGERY!

I like how the doctor is straight-up called "Dr. Quack". They even have Sleepy explain
the joke for us. Twice. Subtlety is for chumps...

Upon paying Dr. Quack a visit, Eddie discovers that he's a few sodas short of a six pack. As a rule of thumb, I would not recommend letting a doctor who sounds like Ed Wynn do surgery on you. But he shows Eddie a bunch of different beaks, we get a Michael Jackson reference, and then Eddie selects a smaller beak.

Shouldn't this guy actually be called "DUCK-tor Quack"?

(Note to self: continue thinking of better bird puns)

Then Dr. Quack shows Eddie his fee...

Maybe Eddie can pull some money out of his nest egg. Get it? Nest egg? 'Cause he's... yeah, okay... Dr. Quack recommends their convenient "Lay an Egg Away" Plan, which consists of two thousand easy payments of one dollar a month. "That sounds reasonable," Eddie says.

Come the day of the surgery, Eddie starts to have second thoughts. Especially when Sleepy says that he heard one time, Dr. Quack used someone's big toe to replace their thumb. This leads to another fantasy sequence... geez, there are even more of these than there are in Arthur... in which Eddie winds up with a gigantic toe for a nose, resulting in his beak being even LARGER.

"Why do I suddenly have a craving for Froot Loops?"

Eddie is so freaked-out by the fantasy sequence that he spends the whole day of school in a trance, only snapping out of it when he hears the bell ring. Oh, and just to add more stress to Eddie's life, he realizes that he completely forgot about the essay. He tries to sneak out of the classroom before Miss Finch spots him, resulting in another fantasy sequence.

Boy, this Patton remake is weeeeeeeeeeeeird...

Eddie's attempt at sneaking out of the classroom is a massive failure, and he admits to Miss Finch that his essay isn't done and that he would've done it but he was so distracted by her comment about his big beak. Miss Finch clarifies that she meant it as a compliment - after all, many historic birds had noble beaks just like his, such as George Flushington (how is that a bird pun?), Wingston Churchbill, and Orville and Warbler Wright. Eddie's self-confidence is restored.

This is admittedly a nitpick, but I don't like that there's no line showing where the birds'
beaks end and the rest of their head begins. It makes the beaks look more like snouts.

While he and Sleepy are walking out of the classroom, Eddie runs into Miss Finch's boyfriend, who has a beak even bigger than Eddie's... which results in Eddie calling up Dr. Quack and asking if there's any way they can make his beak BIGGER.

But, in the end, Eddie's video essay focuses on how silly he was for being so self-conscious about his gigantic schnozz. So I guess he didn't get that beak job after all.

What's the Verdict?

I think the other reason Birdz didn't become a bigger hit is because it doesn't have a whole lot to help it stand out from the crowd. That's not to say the show is bad - there are a lot of pretty funny jokes in the episode I watched. But when you put it alongside any other cartoon about a kid who goes to school, constantly comes up with zany schemes, does stupid things because he doesn't think his plans through... honestly, there's not much we haven't already seen in something like Doug or Arthur - both of whom I'm pretty sure did this exact same "character is self-conscious about their large nose" plot (well, the Arthur SHOW didn't, but the very first Arthur BOOK did). All it really has going for it is the "all the characters are birds" premise.

Looking at the rest of the episodes, it doesn't look like the show was any less generic. Not that many other episodes really did anything with the "all the characters are birds" thing - most of them were just generic kids' show plots. Like I said, this wasn't the worst cartoon I've ever seen, I don't think I would even call it bad. It's just okay.

I can't think of a funny way to conclude this review, so here's a teaser for the next edition of "Let's Watch This":

Let's Watch This: An Episode of "101 Dalmatians: The Series"

Long before that 101 Dalmatian Street show that I have not seen and have no interest in watching, there was 101 Dalmatians: The Series.

This show premiered on ABC in September 1997, developed by Doug creators Jim Jinkins and David Ray Campbell. Obviously it's based on Disney's 1961 animated film One Hundred and One Dalmatians and the 1996 live action remake of it, taking place after the movie - remember how the movie ends with them deciding to buy a place in the country? A "Dalmatian Plantation" if you will?

Well, the show gives us a look at life on the Dalmatian Plantation. Roger (voiced by Jeff Bennett) and Anita (Kath Souice) Radcliffe... I mean, Dearly... live on the farm with their dalmatians Pongo (Kevin Schon) and Perdita (Pam Dawber) and their ninety-nine puppies. With one hundred and one different dalmatians, you'd think there'd be a lot of great characters sharing screentime throughout the show's run, wouldn't you? You'd be wrong - Pongo and Perdita, despite being the protagonists of the movie, are minor characters here, and most of the puppies get zero focus whatsoever. We have four main characters - leader Lucky (Pamela Adlon in some episodes and Debi Mae West in others), runt of the litter Cadpig (Kath Souice using her Lil DeVille voice), pudgy food-obsessed Rolly (Kath Souice using her Phil DeVille voice), and their pal Spot the chicken (Tara Strong). And of course Cruella De Vil (April Winchell) is there and constantly making schemes to steal the Dearlys' farm... as opposed to, y'know, being in jail after she stole a bunch of puppies planning to murder and skin them.

The show got two seasons, making for a total of sixty-five episodes. Reruns have aired on Disney Channel, Toon Disney, and Disney Junior. Nowadays, you can find it on Disney Plus. The series also has a reasonably big fanbase. But is it actually any good? That's what we're going to find out. We'll be watching the second episode, which consists of the segments "He Followed Me Home" and "Love 'Em and Flea 'Em". This is 101 Dalmatians: The Series.

"He Followed Me Home" begins with a creepy-looking Casey Jr. knockoff comin' down the track, with a smokey stack... until the boiler starts acting up and they have to stop and fix it. While this is going on, a baby elephant sneaks off the train and winds up getting left behind. His name is Jimbo, as evidenced by the name being written on his hat, just in case you didn't get that we're referencing Dumbo here.

I'm pretty sure they reused this character design for Hathi in Jungle Cubs.
(note to self: do a review of Jungle Cubs at some point)

Then Jimbo notices a trail of peanuts on the ground and starts following it. It's revealed that the trail leads right to the Dearlys' farm, courtesy of the peanuts falling out of a bag that Rolly is carrying in his mouth. He, Lucky, Cadpig, and Spot are understandably pretty shocked to see an elephant wandering around the farm, and after some WHACKY SHENANIGANS, they deduce that he must be a stray. Obviously. Everyone knows there are a lot of stray elephants running around... this show takes place in America, right? Not in London like the original movie?

"I think it's time we addressed the elephant in the room..."

Rolly suggests that they keep Jimbo. "As a PET?! Pets are a lotta responsibility!" Spot points out. "Ya gotta feed 'em, and clean 'em, and keep 'em outta trouble!" Lucky, whose entire shtick as a character seems to be that he's laid-back and "cool", inists that it'll be "no problemo"... but problemo numbero uno immediately rears its ugly head - how will they hide Jimbo from Cruella?

Is it just me, or does Cruella look a lot like Yzma in this show's art style? I know
the show predates The Emperor's New Groove by a few years, but still...

Cruella bugs Roger, who's just recieved a box of sea monkey-esque "Aquarium Pals". According to the Dearlys' deed, which Cruella just so happens to have a copy of, they are only allowed one hundred and one pets - besides the pre-existing livestock - on the farm. If they add any more pets, they'll violate the deed and have to sell the farm. And Cruella wants to buy the farm so she can... I don't know, maybe they said why she wants to buy it in another episode.

Here's a question: why didn't the Dearlys get a restraining order against Cruella after she,
y'know, stole their puppies?

After Cruella drives off, Lucky announces that they will not be letting her stop them from having a pet elephant. All they have to do is keep him hidden and Cruella will never know!

While the other, nondescript puppies are conveniently asleep, Jimbo helps himself to the farm's supply of hay. And wouldn't you know it, Cruella just so happens to be spying on the farm, and she spots (no pun intended) the elephant. "That farm is as good as MINE!" she declares.

After Jimbo eats some more, Spot insists that they can't handle having a pet elephant. Not once is it pointed out that they themselves are pets, so maybe they're not fit to have a pet. After all, if you let a pet have a pet, then the pet's pet will probably want a pet too, and then the pet's pet's pet will want a pet, and then the pet's pet's pet's pet will want a pet, and then... yeah, you can see where this is going. Rolly, Spot, and Cadpig start suggesting ways to disguise Jimbo - they can put him on wheels and claim he's a vaccuum cleaner, stick magnets on him and claim he's a refrigerator, put a saddle on him and claim he's a horse with a glandular problem... but Lucky has a better idea.

When Cruella comes into the barn determined to find the elephant, she instead finds this:

Yes, apparently Lucky, Cadpig, and Rolly filled the other puppies in as to what was going on, painted Jimbo to look like a dalmatian, and arranged themselves in a way that Cruella wouldn't be able to see him. In what was presumably under a minute, too. Pretty impressive.

After that, Jimbo jumps into a mud puddle, flattening a pig in the process, which means that it's time for the pups to give him a bath. How the heck did they sneak him into the house?

It's a good thing they're bathing him, otherwise he'd be a smell-ephant. Ba-dum ksssh.

But wouldn't you know it? Cruella is spying on the Dearlys with her telescope again, and she sees the elephant. Jeez, she doesn't give up, does she? Or does she just spy on the Dearlys for the heck of it? She has way too much free time.

Eventually, Roger comes into the bathroom to take a shower, so the pups cover up the elephant with a shower curtain. Thus, when Cruella barges in to catch the elephant in the act of existing on the Dearlys' farm, she is greeted by Roger naked. And when she starts rambling about how she saw an elephant in their shower, Roger and Anita are surprisingly not concerned over the fact that she basically just admitted to spying on them but are still convinced that she is crazy. Which she is. So...

Afterwards, a gust of wind blows Jimbo's hat up to the top of a silo, and he climbs up to get it. I'm pretty sure elephants can't climb tall buildings, but why bring realism into a show where dogs can talk? The result - Jimbo falls onto the pups and Spot, flattening them. After this, Lucky tells Spot - in his usual smug laid-back trying-to-be-cool-but-just-coming-across-as-a-massive-tool sort of fashion - that he doesn't think they can keep Jimbo, he's just too heavy a responsibility. "You don't say!" a very, very agitated Spot replies.

I've decided that Spot is my favorite character on the show. I think it mainly stems from the fact that she's voiced by Tara Strong. Using the very same voice that she uses for Truffles from Chowder.

Also, I like her design. Especially the bulging eyes.

Then Cruella shows up and she's all "I've got you now, elephant!" but then a helicopter with the word "CIRCUS" appears overhead. Two girls in circus clothing come out of the helicopter and tell Cruella that the elephant is theirs, so as a result Cruella just winds up looking like even more of an insane person.

Once the girls and the elephant leave, Lucky insists that Roger's "Aquarium Pals" will be much easier to take care of. All you have to do is add water and...

…well, on the bright side, that thing could totally eat Cruella.

Now on to "Love 'Em and Flea 'Em"...

The Dearlys are having themselves a yard sale. Cadpig watches Nanny set up for it with another puppy, Two-Tone (Tara Strong). Two-Tone has a complicated relationship with yard sales... she loves the bargains, but she doesn't like the fact that the items are used.

I'm wondering why the Dearlys got Two-Tone's ear pierced. Who gets a dog's ears pierced?

I love Cadpig's expression here.

Two-Tone raids a box of things the Dearlys are selling to find something she can wear to the "Four-Legged Ball" that night, which she will be attending with Mooch.

After that, we see Lucky and Rolly. Lucky comments that he wishes Two-Tone was going to the dance with him... hey, wait. It's established that Two-Tone lives on the farm, she's not some random puppy who belongs to a neighbor or something. Doesn't that mean she and Lucky are siblings? And Lucky still has a thing for her? Errrrrrr...

Then we see this Mooch (Danny Cooksey) who Two-Tone has the hots for. He's the non-dalmatian in the following screencap:

I guess the writers forgot about the "only one hundred and one pets allowed" rule from the previous segment. Or is Mooch just considered one of the livestock?

With him are Whizzer (Christine Cavanaugh) and Dipstick (Thom Adcox Hernandez). Unfortunately for Two-Tone, Mooch isn't exactly the nicest dog on the farm. So Two-Tone decides to go with Lucky instead. In response, he makes this hilarious face:

"LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLADIES..."

Helloooooooooo, new potential meme.

Two-Tone brags to Mooch about how she's going to the dance with Lucky instead of him. This makes Mooch MAD! So he and his two dimwitted friends decide to give Lucky fleas. Conga-dancing fleas, in fact!

Okay, these guys are my new favorite characters on the show.

The only way Lucky can get rid of the partying fleas is by taking a bath. Problem is, Lucky hates baths more than fleas. Fortunately, Spot has an idea - she ties a rope around Lucky, then ties the other end of the rope around one of the windmill's blades, and it'll spin him around and around and the fleas won't be able to hold on. It doesn't work - in fact, it backfires on him, as he's sent flying into a skunk's den. And we all know what happens when a cartoon character encounters a skunk.

So now Lucky has fleas, AND he smells like a skunk. And the fleas continue to be the show's funniest characters:

The little scuba suit is what makes it.

No way out of it now - Lucky needs a flea bath. He gets the attention of Nanny, who notices that the fleas are now doing this...

Have I mentioned how much I love these fleas?

But Mooch isn't done messing with Lucky yet - he dumps pink food coloring into Lucky's bath water. As a result, Lucky turns pink.

And thus was born Courage the Cowardly Dog.

While trying to avoid being seen by anyone, Lucky overhears Mooch bragging about how he'll be taking his place at the dance. This makes him MAD... but not mad enough to get back at him like you'd expect him to. Instead, he whines to Rolly and Cadpig about how Two-Tone will never want to go to the dance with him now that he's Pepto-Bismol colored. But then he gets an idea - first he'll jump into a bag of flour, then he has Rolly and Cadpig paint black spots on him. Soon he's back to his usual coloring.

So Mooch's plan to take Lucky's place at the dance has been foiled, correct? Not yet - he notices that Lucky's paws are still pink, puts two and two together, and blows all the flour off Lucky, revealing his pinkness to the world. But don't worry, Two-Tone still loves him. Mooch turns red with anger. The end.

"I have a thing for dogs who look like Snagglepuss. Especially when they're my brother..."

Wait, the episode can't be over yet. I demand one more gag involving the fleas. Have them take up residence in Mooch's fur and start up another conga line.

What's the Verdict?

So, that's 101 Dalmatians: The Series. I personally think it's pretty good. I particularly like Spot and those hilarious fleas. Admittedly, Lucky is kind of a blah protagonist - his default personality seems to be "laid-back and chill", but like I said, he really just comes across as a massive tool. It's also kind of surprising how little Pongo and Perdita are in the show. They didn't appear in either of the episodes I reviewed, for crying out loud. But apparently this did result in a funny gag pointing it out in one episode, so at least there's that. If you like the movie (the original, not the remake where the dogs don't talk), I'd recommend seeking it out.

Here's a teaser for what we'll be looking at next time...