Let's Watch This: "Willy McBean and His Magic Machine" (1965)

NOTE: Please do not take any of the little nitpicks in this review (or any of my other reviews, for that matter) seriously. I write these reviews in the hopes of making people laugh. Those nitpicks are really just dumb little observations that I'm attempting to make jokes out of, not complaints that add to whether or not I like something.

Question: will we ever get the opportunity to travel through time? Will time travel ever be invented? I doubt it. We still don't even have flying cars. But in animation, anything is possible - and that includes time travel. Just ask the folks at Rankin-Bass!

About two years before the previously-reviewed Mad Monster Party?, Rankin-Bass - then known as Videocraft International - teamed up with the folks at Dentsu Motion Pictures in Japan for their first movie (unless you count their 1964 Return to Oz special as a movie like TV Tropes does). Willy McBean and His Magic Machine was written, produced, and directed by Arthur Rankin, Jr. and released on June 23rd, 1965.

There's surprisingly very little information about this movie online. There don't appear to be a lot of reviews for it outside of Letterboxd, nor does it have a TV Tropes page. I'm not even sure if it's ever had a DVD release. Is it THE most obscure thing in the Rankin-Bass library? I don't know, there's gotta be SOME other production that's more obscure. But it's obscure enough for me to do a review of it for my blog, and what luck, you can find the full movie online (both on YouTube and via the Internet Archive), so let's dive in!

The movie begins, much like the episode of Piggsburg Pigs! that I recently reviewed, on a dark and stormy night. The camera zooms in on a castle that I believe once belonged to a Baron Boris Von Frankenstein (I know this movie came first, I'm just making a joke).

Gee, I wonder if this charming abode is where our villain lives...

Inside the castle, we see a bunch of science equipment, a globe sitting on a desk, and a cat - who is promptly frightened and scampers off by the sight of a cloaked figure with what appears to be a mullet, standing on the top of a staircase. Oh, crap, is this the house of Nosferatu?!

LIKES: sucking blood, bats, long capes. DISLIKES: Twilight jokes.

No, actually, this character is NOT a vampire. It's our villain, Professor Rasputin Von Rotten. And, honestly, when someone's surname is "Von Rotten", do you really expect them to be anything OTHER than evil?

Von Rotten, voiced by Larry D. Mann, goes over to his multiple bubbling beakers and test tubes and snarls, "Good... good... FINE! Ah, this is SPLENDID! SPLENDID!" You see, he's got an eeeeeeeeeevil plan of some sort. He's also got a pet monkey in a sombrero.

Yes, a pet monkey in a sombrero. His name is Pablo (Alfie Scopp). He exists presumably because one of the filmmakers said, "Hey, why don't we throw in a monkey? People like monkeys, don't they?". He also speaks in a stereotypical Spanish accent, just in case you didn't pick up from the sombrero and the name that he's an ethnic stereotype.

Well, it could've been worse. At least this stop-motion monkey isn't voiced by John Tuturro...

"I am the most FASCINATING, the most FANTASTIC, the most FABULOUS GENIOUS there ever was or ever will be!" Von Rotten declares. SOMEBODY has a pretty high opinion of himself. But he's not satisfied, because unlike Christopher Columbus and King Arthur, HIS name isn't featured in any history books or brought up in school. Tonight, he shall fix that. NOT by actually making a name for himself by, I dunno, inventing something useful or solving world hunger, but rather by traveling through time and altering history.

...uh, word of advice, Von Rotten: altering history is a bad idea. Haven't you ever heard of the Butterfly Effect?

"How DARE they pair Harry up with Ginny! Harry/Hermione is my OTP!"

After a chorus sings a jaunty musical number, we see Pablo being blown around by the wind. He lands on top of a clock tower.

Boy, this King Kong remake is a massive disappointment...

The monkey spots the house of our protagonist, Davey... I mean, Willy McBean, voiced by Billie Mae Richards using her Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer voice. He has a problem - he's been assigned, horror of horrors, history homework. And he thinks that history is dull. Honestly, though, a kid whose bedroom and furniture are painted entirely in shades of white likely doesn't have a good grasp of what's dull.

I didn't know Hermey from Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a son.

"Well, school starts tomorrow, and I'm almost finished with this book, and boy am I glad," he says. Wait a minute, it's summer vacation and he's been assigned history homework? I don't recall ever having to do homework during summer vacation. Just then, he hears a tap-tap-tapping on his window. Curious, he goes over to open it - and when he does, in blows the monkey via a gust of wind.

"Yo quiero Taco Bell."

Willy doesn't seem all too surprised by the fact that this monkey has the ability to speak. Pablo demonstrates that, like all Mexican stereotypes in cartoons, he has a thing for the senoritas. I'd like to take this moment to apologize to Mexicans everywhere on behalf of the movie.

"Up until tonight, I work for thees, uh, Professor," Pablo explains. "He was one preetty nice fellow if you like mad professors. Until one day, hees fine mind, she snapped." As Pablo speaks, we go into a flashback and are treated to this little piece of nightmare fuel:

Talk about a bad hair day.

"He was no longer sateesfied with being greatest, smartest professor in thee whole world," Pablo goes on. "He wanted to be greatest everytheeng in all of heestory! He deecided that he would invent fire, and build thee peeyramids, and deescover Amereeca! And to do those theengs, he began to build himself one wonderful magic time machine!" Fortunately for Pablo, a bolt of lightning came into the castle (through a window, I'm guessing?) and zapped the lock on his cage, destroying it. I have no idea if lightning can do that, but it's an animated movie with a talking monkey, so just go with it. Pablo escaped, taking the plans for the magic time machine with him, which he promptly gives to Willy.

"Hey, this is a piece of blank paper!"

Now that Pablo's swiped Von Rotten's plans, he won't be able to build the time machine and start altering history. "And it's a good thing, too," says Willy. "Why, if Columbus hadn't discovered America, there'd be nothing here but a few trees and teepes." Apologies to Native Americans everywhere too.

The only problem is, Pablo doesn't think these are the only plans that the Professor has written up. And if he has OTHER ones, then the whole world is in big trouble. Willy laments that if Von Rotten DOES alter history, he'll have to learn it all over again. Nice to see his priorities are in check. Pablo is searching for the world's greatest scientist to see if they can create another machine, but who would believe something that a monkey told them? Especially a monkey with a sombrero?

Fortunately, Willy knows how to build this magical time machine. Apparently he's an inventor, so building this sort of thing is like "duck soup" to him. Then, Pablo says, he and Willy can go back in time and stop the Professor. Willy is all "I'm not going back in time!", but Pablo points out that he can't do this by himself, he's just a little monkey. He'll need help. Eventually, Willy agrees - but they'll have to be back by morning so he doesn't miss the first day of school.

"Ay-yi-yi-yi-yi! I am filled with more energy than a Mexican jumping bean! Strike up the
mariachi band, senor! Other stereotypical Mexican sayings!"

They'd better hurry, because Von Rotten already completed the machine before Pablo made a run for it. And besides, no one can duplicate his machine, they're "beyond the intellect of even the greatest scientist in the world".

Figured I should have a screencap of Von Rotten's cat.

Von Rotten is so excited over his going to travel through time that he's going to sing about it. It would seem that, in addition to wanting to be mentioned in history books, he also wants to become king. It's not a great song, but you can tell Larry D. Mann is having fun in the recording booth. If anybody ever wondered what a villain song performed by Yukon Cornelius would be like, well, here's your answer.

He actually just got the crown at Burger King with his Whopper, but he doesn't like
to admit that.

Willy has managed to build a duplicate time machine - if this kid can build a TIME MACHINE in, like, five minutes, why does he even NEED to go to school? Why hasn't he already graduated from college by now? According to the list that Pablo has, the first thing Von Rotten wants to do is replace Buffalo Bill. So it's off to Arizona in June 25th, 1883.

Did you know that the mail is still delivered by mule in one remote part of Arizona
on the Havasupai reservation? Hey, if I can't be funny, I think I should at least try to be
educational...

They run into General George A. Custer (James Doohan), who tells them that they're in Montana Territory and that Chief Sitting Bull and his fellow "redskins" (I feel dirty just typing that word) are on the warpath. He's gonna go down there and teach them some manners. Knowing what happened to General Custer (he went on to host a game show in an unfunny 1990s cartoon), Willy and Pablo make a run for it.

"No jokes about how long my nose is, please."

As arrows start flying their way, Willy reconfigures the time machine to send him and Pablo to Buffalo Bill's time. Buffalo Bill Cody (Claude Rae) is accompanied by Chief Sitting Bull (Paul Kligman), who's about on par with the Indians from Peter Pan as far as offensive Indian stereotypes go.

Boy, this guy's got a really long nose too. Are he and General Custer both descendants
of Pinocchio?

Buffalo Bill and Sitting Bull launch into a really long musical number, then Willy tells Buffalo Bill that a guy called Von Rotten is on his way to take his place as the fastest gun in the west. Buffalo Bill isn't worried.

Von Rotten has arrived in Buffalo Bill's time as well. Since he's not very good at working with a gun, he's set up a gun in his hat - which he plans to put Buffalo Bill full of more holes than a slice of swiss cheese. Overhearing, Willy comes up with a plan to stop him. He'll disguise himself as the cowboy "Willy the Kid" (clever pun) and distract him.

"Aren't you a little short to be a cowboy?"

"Hey, compared to Yosemite Sam, I'm downright gigantic."

While Von Rotten is distracted, Pablo switches his hat with Willy's. Von Rotten heads outside and challenges Buffalo Bill to a showdown (at high noon, of course). Even though he secretly glued Buffalo Bill's gun to its holster so he can't get it out, he finds himself unable to fire his hat gun, making for quite possibly the most anti-climactic showdown in the history of the wild west. He uses his time machine to make a quick getaway - but not before Sitting Bull subjects him to an arrow in the butt.

Now he's off to discover America before Columbus (does it really qualify as discovering America if Native Americans were already living there?). Willy and Pablo follow him to Spain in 1492, much to Pablo's excitement because he wants to see if there are any Spanish senorita monkeys around. It's here that they run into Christopher Columbus (also Paul Kligman), looking a bit more like William Shakespeare to me.

Where's his little woodworm pal?

Willy has to tell him that the world is round, not flat, giving him the idea of proving it and going all the way to China... right after another song.

Weird Al Yankovic he ain't.

Willy gives Columbus the idea of getting the money for the voyage from the king (Paul Soles) and queen (Larry D. Mann). Unfortunately, Columbus winds up insulting the queen and nearly gets thrown in the dungeon before Willy tells her that he's going to make her rich... wait, if she's a queen, shouldn't she already be rich?

These versions of King Ferdinand and Queen Isabel are basically just the King and
Queen of Hearts from Disney's Alice in Wonderland. I'm also pretty sure Isabel is just a
redressed version of Mrs. Claus from Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer.

Von Rotten has arrived in Columbus' time, too, and he decides to get aboard the ship by disguising himself as a Chinese translator... and, well, I think the screencap speaks for itself:

Anyhow, Columbus gets himself a crew and the Nina, the Pinta and the Santa Maria set sail. Months go by, and Von Rotten convinces the crew that Columbus is cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs and that they should have a mutiny before he steers the ship right over the edge of the earth. The sailors initially aren't sure because they don't want to get hanged, but Von Rotten tells them that the new world is full of mountains of gold and they go "Okay, we'll mutiny."

Fortunately, Willy and Pablo overhear him gloating about how he'll be the new discoverer of America and try to warn Columbus. But the sailors spot Willy and throw him in the brig. Looks like it's up to Pablo.

Pablo climbs up the mast and up to the crow's nest to keep an eye out for land. When he climbs up even higher, he spots it. So, now a monkey discovered America. Congratulations, Pablo, YOU altered history. Don't blame me when you get back to the present and the United States is ruled by an iguana.

"I'm sitting in the crow's nest with a talking monkey wearing a sombrero. I think I need to
rethink my life a little..."

Pablo points out the land to the guy in the crow's nest, who shouts, "LAND HOOOOOOOO!" Now the sailors think that Von Rotten lied to them so he could take over the ship for his Chinese king. Well, Von Rotten, you're gonna be in the history books alright - just not in the most flattering light.

Columbus frees Willy, who congratulates Columbus for discovering America... even though it was technically Pablo who did it. The sailors make Von Rotten walk the plank, but once again he uses the magic time machine to get away just before he's gobbled up by a hungry shark. Now he wants to take the throne from King Arthur, so it's off to Camelot for Willy and Pablo.

Inside King Arthur's Pepto Bismol-colored castle, the knights of the round table are singing...

No, no, not THAT song. Arthur is there, too, sporting an ugly-looking bowl cut, and a pointy-eared Merlin (has Merlin ever been depicted as an elf?).

"Waiter, there's a king in my soup!"

Arthur (Claude Rae) has a problem - he's having difficulty pulling the sword in the stone. Merlin (James Doohan) thinks that he can use magic to loosen the sword a little. When Willy shows up, Merlin thinks that he's created a genie. Oddly, he doesn't ask for three wishes.

Von Rotten sneaks into the castle disguised as a knight and makes his way to the sword in the stone. All he has to do is pull it out and ring-a-ding-ding he's a king. But what's this? The sword is alive - and it TALKS!

And it has a nice mustache, too.

Von Rotten can't convince the sword (James Doohan) to come with him, so he tries to pull it out - but he's a weakling, so he fails at it. Deciding that it must be because it's rusted in, he uses a can of "Rust Remover" to make it easier. Fortunately, the "Rust Remover" takes a little time to take effect, so he walks off just in time for Willy, Merlin, and Pablo to show up and talk about how important it is that they make sure Arthur pulls the sword from the stone before Von Rotten does.

So Merlin calls upon Morgan Le Fay (Pegi Loder), and upon seeing her Pablo the horny monkey goes loco.

There exist TWO movies - I repeat, TWO MOVIES - where one of the main characters is
a horny stop-motion monkey. Why is that?

Morgan seduces Von Rotten, tightening the bolts in his armor so he can't move. Now he can't get to the sword before Arthur does. Arthur yanks the sword out of the stone, meaning that he is now king of England. Good guys: three. Von Rotten: zero.

We then cut to quite possibly the least threatening dragon ever.

Not that his not being threatening is a bad thing, but seriously, even Figment is more
menacing than him.

The dragon (Alfie Scopp) sings about how he really doesn't like living in a cave and kidnapping fair maidens, but it's what dragons do so he just has to suck it up. He makes his way over to the castle and, upon seeing all the knights and maidens inside, decides that he should do his duty as a dragon. And believe it or not, everyone is actually AFRAID of this guy, even though he speaks with the voice of the Charlie-in-the-Box.

How could this dragon scare anybody? He's like a giant Wally Gator.

Fortunately, Excalibur has the ability to FLY, and flies itself - Arthur hanging on - right into the dragon's stomach. The dragon survives, but decides to get out of there. I like how the dragon looks like a giant plush toy. It doesn't help how un-menacing he is, but it helps him stand out from the hard clay-built characters.

So now Von Rotten is off to Egypt, where he wants to be the greatest architect ever and build the pyramids. "Boy, he NEVER gives up," Willy complains before he and Pablo use the time machine to get to... some sort of room with a tiger in it?

"Hey, Hobbes. Where's Calvin?"

And a lion?

King Moonracer, what have they done to you?!

And a leopard?

"Dude, that belt buckle is way too big."

Turns out they're NOT in Egypt, but rather a Roman coliseum. Before they can get eaten alive, they use the machine to get to Egypt, where King Tut (Bernard Cowan) is having his subjects build him some sort of monument that is most certainly NOT a pyramid. Von Rotten has already gotten there, disguised as the pharaoh's architect.

"Hmmm, I don't know. I think it should be a big triangular thing..."

Oh, and he also had the Sphinx built to look like him. Deducing that it's the only way he can stop Willy and Pablo from ruining his plans, Von Rotten convinces King Tut that Willy is a spy who wants to destroy the monument... just before the monument falls apart. I love how Von Rotten's reaction is to shout "STOP CRACKING! STOP, I SAY!", as if the monument is sentient and is going to listen to him.

King Tut's wife (Corinne Conley)'s response to the monument being destroyed? She starts singing. Even Willy and Pablo look confused. After the song, Willy gives King Tut the idea to build the pyramid. As for Von Rotten, his next plan is to go back to the beginning of history and create fire and the wheel.

If I had that thing, I'd use it to go back and stop myself from seeing Shark Tale in theaters.

It's off to 30,000 B.C., where cavemen and dinosaurs co-exist... which is scientifically inaccurate, but if The Flintstones can get away with it, Rankin-Bass can too. Von Rotten is trying to explain to two dimwitted cavemen what fire and the wheel are, then tells them that he wants them to paint his picture and name on a cave wall. That way, everyone will know that he was the greatest inventor ever.

"There's something suspicious about this guy..."

"Yeah, he can't be an actual caveman. He has pupils."

As for the good guys, Pablo gets distracted by a girl monkey swinging in a tree and blows their cover to Von Rotten. The cavemen are about to clobber Willy, but he tells them that once they have fire, they'll have to know how to use it - if you don't know how, it can be very dangerous. And HE can show them how to use it.

Pablo and one of the cavemen sing another lousy song (does EVERYBODY need to have a song in this?) and then there's another obstacle thrown their way - a big, sharp-toothed dinosaur.

"MAKE ONE JOKE ABOUT MY LITTLE ARMS AND I'LL SQUASH YOU FLAT!"

The cavemen fight the dinosaur by throwing things at it - including Von Rotten's time machine. Pablo attempts to fight it while swinging on a vine, discombobulating it. I'll say this, he might be an ethnic stereotype but he's got guts. Long story short, the dinosaur falls off a cliff... as does Von Rotten, it turns out, who's hanging from a branch on the way down.

"Don't tell me this movie's going to end on a cliff hanger!

Get it? Cliff hanger? Ha ha ha... seriously, though, HELP ME!"

Y'know what just occurred to me? Von Rotten's motive is that he wants to be featured in history books as a great genius. Well, Mr. Von Rotten, I should point out to you that you invented a TIME MACHINE. You don't need to go back in time and try to be the guy who discovered America or created the wheel, just patent your time machine and you'll be featured in history books as the guy who CREATED TIME TRAVEL.

Being the nice kid that he is, Willy tells Pablo that they have to help Von Rotten. They and the cavemen pull him back up. Alas, Von Rotten's heart doesn't grow three sizes that day. He says that he's not going to thank them after all they've done to ruin his plans. Then he realizes, oh yeah, a dinosaur ate his time machine so he's stuck in prehistoric times.

And Pablo is incredibly unsympathetic.

"Professor, I'll make a bargain with you," says Willy. "We have a magic machine and you don't. If you reform, and promise - cross your heart, scout's honor - you'll never be evil and wicked and never build your magic machine again, well, maybe we can ALL get back home with MY machine." Von Rotten agrees to that. But first, he suggests, they should get that fire created and let another caveman take credit for it.

From now on, we'll have to refer to him as "Willy: Lord of the Flame".

Willy, Pablo and Von Rotten travel back to their own time. And Willy is just in time (no pun intended) for school. Off to school he and Pablo go, running into random townsfolk who look very much like characters Willy encountered while time-traveling. They even point it out, because subtlety is for chumps.

When they get to school (and yes, nobody questions the presence of a sombrero-wearing monkey), they think for a second that Willy's new history teacher is Von Rotten. But wouldn't you know it, it isn't.

They just so happen to have the same hairstyle.

But he did invite Von Rotten to help teach the class about history. Von Rotten says that he's going to teach the class history in a whole new way... through movies.

What's the Verdict?

Let's start with what I liked about this: the voice actors do a good job. Willy is a likeable protagonist, and Von Rotten makes a fun (if flat) villain.

Now, what DIDN'T I like? First of all, it's tremendously racist. Ethnic stereotypes abound, most blatantly Pablo. And people claim that Speedy Gonzales is offensive? Second, the stop-motion is oddly sloppy even by Rankin-Bass standards. I noticed one character speaking without moving their mouth, Pablo seems to have one expression throughout the whole movie, and the movements are herky-jerky. Problem number three - this movie is long. Very, very long. There's a reason why Rankin-Bass' Christmas specials aren't ninety-four minutes long. They could've at least cut the scene in Egypt. And the songs are pretty bad. Not as bad as the songs in, for example, Delhi Safari, but bad.

So, yeah. This is a mixed bag of a movie. I didn't find this one as good as Mad Monster Party?, but it's not bad. Oh, and here's a link to Jambareeqi's review of the film if you'd like to watch that.