Let's Watch This - An Episode of "Histeria!"

The 1990s were a great time for the television department of Warner Bros. Animation. Collaborating with studios like Amblin Entertainment and DIC Entertainment, this is the decade where they gave us such beloved shows as Animaniacs, Taz-Mania, and Batman: The Animated Series.

While more often than not the shows that Warner Bros. Animation made were meant to be more humorous than educational (which isn't to say that Animaniacs couldn't be educational, of course), it wasn't until 1998 that they decided to do a show that was intended to be VERY educational. Which isn't to say that this new show wouldn't be comedic, but still...

The result was a show called Histeria!. Created by Tom Ruegger and featuring the voice talents of Warner Bros. alumni Frank Welker, Tress MacNeille, Rob Paulsen and Maurice LaMarche - plus Tom's kids - the show was intended to have at least sixty-five episodes. Alas, the show went over budget, and as a result only fifty-two episodes were created before the show was cancelled in 2000 with only two seasons (the second of which was only six episodes long) and as a result fell into obscurity alongside other Warner Bros. Animation shows like Detention and Road Rovers (which I've already looked at on this blog, remember?).

Before writing this article, I hadn't seen a single episode of this show. But today, we'll be looking at an episode titled "The Wild West". Will it be good? Or will I end up getting HISTERIA (forgive the pun) from it? Let's find out!

After the theme song, the episode begins with Miss Information (Laraine Newman) leading a group of tourists through the wild west. She claims that it was named after a TV show, but Father Time (Frank Welker) corrects her, then introduces the host of the show - Billy the Kid (Luke Ruegger), who's an actual kid. Then the kids start singing a song about Billy, for some reason.

Well, so far, this show hasn't succeeded in making me laugh.

Anyhow, Billy announces that today they're going to play a game called "Jailbreak". He tells the kids that one of them needs to fetch him his gun. Then the show is interrupted by network censor Lydia Karaoke (Nora Dunn), who doesn't approve of a criminal hosting a TV show for kids. Billy says, "I am what I am! A bad man!" If he's a bad man, why does he have the voice of a kid?

I mean, aside from the fact that his name is "Billy the Kid"...
Heck, he even LOOKS like a kid.

Unfunny shenanigans ensue, and then we get a bunch of characters shouting "The Wild West!" Then we see most of those same characters yelling "HISTERIA!" Jeez, there's a whole lot of shouting on this show...

Then we cut to a kid named Froggo (Nathan Ruegger), who dresses like Wakko Warner and sounds like Dr. Claw. He tells us that gold was discovered in 1848 in California. Then we cut to a kid named Loud Kiddington (Cody Ruegger), who shouts "GOLD!" And then we cut to the World's Oldest Woman (Tress MacNeille), who tells us about the gold rush. Then some guy named Horace Greely (Frank Welker, I believe) tells an incredibly stupid kid named Lucky Bob (Jeff Bennett) to go west. And then we cut to the kids singing another song... what the heck is going on?! Every five seconds the show cuts to something different! It makes the entire show feel disjointed.

Oh yeah, and at one point Yakko Warner makes a cameo.

"Keep it down! I'm watchin' a much better Warner Brothers show!"

After that, Billy the Kid talks about how laws in the Wild West were frequently changed, ignored and broken. And then we get a game show called "Indian Givers", hosted by renowned Indian fighter General George Armstrong Custer. And hooray, he's voiced by Rob Paulsen! Rob makes everything better.

The contestants are Sitting Bull, Chief Joseph (Rob Paulsen, I think), and Geronimo (who I think is voiced by Billy West, but I could be wrong). Geronimo gets the first question wrong, Chief Joseph is intended to be a caricature of Sammy Davis Jr. (at least, I think he is) and he gets the next question wrong, and the answer to every question is "Surrender peacefully and let settlers take over your land." Sitting Bull wins, and his prize is for him and his tribe to be driven off to a smaller and less desirable piece of land. And I will admit that the "Are you hot?" "Yes, I'm hot." joke is kinda funny. General Custer then reminds them that in a thousand years or so they'll become rich from casino gambling.

The scene end with General Custer getting attacked by Indians. It's actually pretty satisfying.

I'm just now realizing how much he looks like Cap'n Crunch...

Then we cut back to Father Time, who tells us about the police force of the wild west - the Earp Brothers, played by Loud, Froggo and another kid named Toast (Tress MacNeille). Who promptly burp in unison. Classy, fellas.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaand then we immediately cut to something else. Specifically, a talk show hosted by Miss Information. Her first guest is Doc Holiday (Billy West), who talks about the gunfight at the O.K. Corral. Miss Information asks why they had the fight at a corral that she thinks was "only average" (get it?). And then Bugs Bunny shows up (I don't know who does his voice, but it doesn't sound like Billy West... maybe it's an uncredited Greg Burson?).

"What are you doing here?"
"Eh, a rabbit's gotta pay da bills somehow..."

Then Billy the Kid shows up again, telling us that just because he's on the run doesn't mean that he's gonna be shrinking his hosting duties. Yeah, uh, you haven't really been "hosting". You show up here and there, but most of the show has been random sketches hosted by other characters. Billy tells us about the Pony Express, which we then get an ADVERTISEMENT for.

Then we get ANOTHER talk show called "Home on the Range", hosted by Bill Straitman and featuring Buffalo Bill Cody. This is ANOTHER sketch that isn't funny in the slightest.

The show ends with Sheriff Pat (Jeff Bennett) getting the best of Billy the Kid. Billy tells us to join them next time for another "thrill-packed edition" (this was "thrill-packed"?) of... random characters saying "Histeria!"

Including this awesome eagle. Why couldn't HE have been the host of the show?!

I think that it's possible to make learning fun. This, however, is not how you do it. I'm not going to judge the entire show by this episode, but this was not "thrill-packed" in the slightest. There are some good things - Rob Paulsen carries the "Indian Giver" sketch (that man really does make everything better), Bugs Bunny and Yakko Warner making cameo appearances - but most of the episode was disjointed and not funny. It's like drive-by edutainment. Here's one character saying something... and then here's another character saying something... and then here's another character saying something. Animaniacs this ain't.

It really is a shame that a show from Tom Ruegger and featuring the talents of Jeff Bennett, Tress MacNeille and Frank Welker wasn't better. It's not an AWFUL show, but in my opinion there is nothing hysterical about Histeria!.

Let's Watch This - An Episode of "Foster's Home For Imaginary Friends"

Once upon a time, there was a show called Foster's Home For Imaginary Friends. It premiered on Cartoon Network in 2004, and was an immediate success. Millions loved it. Fansites were made. Six seasons were produced. One character even became the mascot of sorts for Cartoon Network.

Remember THESE billboards?

When the show was on, I watched it and found myself liking it. Then the show came to an end. Around... 2014, I think, reruns appeared on Boomerang and I decided to give the show a rewatch.

And I soon discovered that it really didn't hold up.

What's the main problem with the show? I can sum it up in one sentence: IT'S NEEDLESSLY MEAN-SPIRITED. Are you familiar with the trope "Sadist Show"? A "Sadist Show" is when a TV show relies entirely on being needlessly cruel and mean-spirited. Very few episodes end on a positive note, the characters are all unsympathetic jerks, and about ninety-seven percent of the jokes focus on abusing them. Examples of "Sadist Shows" include Family Guy from Season 4 onward, South Park, Robot Chicken, and The Big Bang Theory. Foster's Home For Imaginary Friends is, to put it bluntly, a "Sadist Show". All of the characters are unlikable and it seriously seems as though no one can win.

Don't believe me? Today we'll be watching the episode "Beat With a Shtick". Perhaps a more fitting title for this episode would've been "Everybody Hates Bloo".

The episode begins with Bloo (Keith Ferguson) making the other imaginary friends laugh by doing impressions of them. "YOUR BRAND OF COMEDY ENTERTAINS US!" one imaginary friend (voiced by Tom Kenny doing a bad Indian accent) cheers. He tells a joke about dinosaurs to an imaginary friend who looks like a dinosaur (and who I'm pretty sure is ALSO voiced by Tom Kenny*). Then a very tall imaginary friend simply known as "The New Guy" (Phil LaMarr) comes by and Bloo does that "how's the weather up there?" joke. The New Guy then grabs Bloo and angrily says, "YOU THINK YOU'RE PRETTY FUNNY, HUH?!"

Shouldn't this guy be stomping through the City of Townsville?

"OUTSIDE. THE TWO OF US. 3:30," the New Guy barks (though Bloo says that 4:00 would work better for him). "WHEN I'M THROUGH WITH YOU, YOU'RE GONNA HAVE FUNNY ALL OVER YOUR FACE!" After the new guy leaves, the Indian-accented Tom Kenny-voiced imaginary friend tells others that Bloo and the New Guy are going to face off.

Hey, here's a fun game we could play. It's called "Have a Sip of Water Every Time You Hear a Character Voiced By Tom Kenny or Grey Griffin". Hope you have a very large bottle of water nearby.
Bloo is oddly not too concerned about the New Guy planning to pummel him. Another imaginary friend voiced by Tom Kenny tells Bloo that the new guy is from "Looneytown". Then an imaginary friend voiced by Grey Griffin adds that he was "created by some deranged looney". Bloo rudely tells them that they're boring him and that he's "tough and gritty". "Blooregaurd Q. Kazoo isn't afraid of nobody or nothing!" he insists. Then he sees the New Guy chasing after another imaginary friend and realizes, hey, he's in big trouble.

Long story short, he winds up hiding under the New Guy's bed with Eduardo (Tom Kenny). What's Eduardo doing there? He's apparently hiding from the New Guy as well (so why are you hiding in his ROOM?). "I heard that he once left a guy in stitches!" he says.

He kind of looks like a rejected Muppet, doesn't he?

The New Guy finds Bloo and Eduardo, and Bloo tricks Ed into letting the New Guy beat him up while he makes a run for it. Bloo is such a good friend, isn't he?

Anyhow, Bloo tries to hide in a laundry basket, but then he gets dumped down a laundry chute into the laundry room and winds up in a washing machine. Wilt (Phil LaMarr) lets him out and then Bloo fills him in on what's going on. Wilt - who's intended to be the show's nicest character - goes into a rant about how much he hates "tall jokes" (because Wilt himself is very tall) and how Bloo deserves to be beaten up by the New Guy. Totally in-character, right?

Wilt is having none of your DARING TO BE AFRAID OF BEING BEATEN UP, Bloo.

Bloo's next plan is to destroy every clock in the house - that way, the New Guy will never know when it's 4:00 and Bloo can't get beaten up. Frankie (Grey Griffin) demands to know WHY he's destroying the clocks, and then Madame Foster (Candi Milo) comes in and gleefully tells Frankie that Bloo is going to get beaten up at 4:00. She then has Coco bring in a large clock that counts down to when Bloo gets pummeled. And Bloo can't even smash it with his hammer because it's made out of Plexiglass.

As if Madame Foster wasn't being enough of a donkey's rear end already, she and Coco then calculate Bloo's chances of defeating the New Guy. And she and the other imaginary friends are BETTING ON WHETHER OR NOT BLOO IS BEATEN UP.

Then Eduardo shows up, and he's angry at Bloo for leaving him to get beaten up. And then we get... uh, a random Imagine Spot with Bloo in a pitch-black room, hearing screams from every direction before the New Guy arrives and chases after Bloo with multiple weapons.

So, yeah. A character in a CHILDREN'S TV SHOW spends much of the episode fearing for his life.
You know, for kids!

The Imagine Spot culminates in the New Guy smashing Bloo with a giant hammer. After... THAT, Bloo overhears Mr. Herriman (Tom Kane) ranting about how when he gets his hands on whoever stole his monocle (Bloo stole it earlier), he shall expel them from the house. So he gets the idea to put the monocle in the New Guy's room, which will result in the New Guy getting expelled and Bloo not getting beaten up by the New Guy. No one will ever know!

Alas, Mr. Herriman trips on him and spots him with his monocle, meaning that Bloo's plan has been foiled. Mr. Herriman announces that Bloo shall be expelled from the house... which flies in the face of their agreement with Mac (who hasn't shown up in this episode yet)... that is, if he can prove to Madame Foster that what he did warrants it (which I don't think it does). This gives Bloo an idea - if he's expelled from the house, the New Guy won't be able to beat him up, right? So he brings up another nasty thing he did recently. Specifically, he put hot sauce in everyone's tacos the other night and framed another imaginary friend named Jolly Buttons. "We had him deported," a shocked Mr. Herriman says.

Bloo brings up a bunch of other past misdeeds, then adds that he's getting in a fight this afternoon. With the New Guy. Then Mr. Herriman changes his tune and ALLOWS THE FIGHT TO HAPPEN IN THE HOPES THAT THE NEW GUY WILL DESTROY BLOO.

"Ha ha, you're gonna get beaten up!"

Mr. Herriman continues to be an enormous jerk by pointing out to Bloo that he has an hour and forty minutes left before he gets pummeled. He even lets out an evil chuckle.

Then Mac (Sean Marquette) finally shows up. I would like to take this moment to point out that Mac's voice is A) annoying and B) unfitting for a character that's intended to be eight years old. Anyhow, the New Guy shows up as Bloo is explaining to Mac what's going on and scares the pants off of Mac and Bloo. Mac suggests that Bloo make a run for it, and after he brings up Terrence, Bloo gets an idea. "We're gonna fight fire with fire!" he tells Mac.

Bloo's idea is to have Terrence (Tara Strong) beat up the New Guy. He agrees to it after Bloo says that if he does, Terrence will be allowed to beat up Mac - and also Mac will have to wear this t-shirt that Bloo made.

Comic Sans? Seriously?

And also a baby bonnet. Don't ask.

You know, Bloo being a massive jerk doesn't make the other characters
taking sadistic pleasure in seeing him get beaten up any less awful.

Terrence winds up getting his rear end handed to him by the New Guy, and Bloo decides to take Mac's advice and RUN LIKE HECK. We get a montage of him traveling by taxi, traveling by boat, traveling by plane... and then it turns out he was just imagining it. Long story short, he winds up back at Foster's just in time for his confrontation with the New Guy.

Mr. Herriman literally kicks Bloo outside, where the New Guy is waiting... and it turns out that the New Guy's not gonna beat Bloo up. Instead, he uses the mallet to smash a watermelon, which gets watermelon all over Bloo - making him "blue and red all over". "I told you I was gonna give you something to laugh about!" the New Guy says cheerfully. It's all part of his act - he's a prop comic! All those other guys - Eduardo, Terrence, etc. - he was just practicing his material on them. "I mean, I'm just an amateur, and you're, like, the funniest friend in the whole house!"

So what's Bloo's opinion on the New Guy's act? He thinks it's lame. The New Guy then clobbers him. "That is the best punchline he has delivered all day!" Eduardo quips, and then the episode ends.

Okay, maybe this isn't the worst episode of Foster's Home For Imaginary Friends that I've ever seen, but it's still a pretty big indicator as to what's wrong with the show. The Flash animation is pretty fluid, but that's the only good thing I can say about it. It's just needlessly mean-spirited. All of the characters - with the exception of Mac - in this episode are ungodly unlikable. Even if Bloo's acting like a jerk, and the New Guy wasn't going to harm him, seeing the entire house treat Bloo so crappily just gave the entire episode an necessarily harsh and cold feeling. Maybe I could forgive this if the episode were at least funny, but it isn't.

Now, I know that there are a lot of people that like this show. And if you like it, that's fine. I just don't think the show holds up very well.

* I checked the credits, it's actually Keith Ferguson.

Let's Watch This - An Episode of "Corneil and Bernie"

When I was younger, there was a channel called Nicktoons Network.

Now, technically this channel is still around today, but it's a tad different. It was launched in 2002 as a place for Nickelodeon cartoons - or "Nicktoons", as they're usually called - that weren't airing on the network anymore. It's because of this channel that I was introduced to shows like Rocko's Modern Life, Hey Arnold, and The Angry Beavers. Then at some point in the 2010s, things changed. Now it's pretty much just a channel that shows the same shows as Nickelodeon. It's even aired live-action things at some point. Oh, sure, it IS airing a couple shows at the moment that don't air on Nickelodeon anymore... three of them, to be specific: Back at the Barnyard, the 2012 Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, and Sanjay and Craig. That's it. No reruns of The Penguins of Madagascar or The Wild Thornberrys or T.U.F.F. Puppy or anything like that anymore.

But hey, at least we have TeenNick's NickRewind block (or as it used to be called, NickSplat, or as it was called before that, The Splat, or as it was called before THAT, The 90s Are All That)! Even if it, as of writing, now only airs three shows. Hopefully that changes at some point.

In addition to the reruns, Nicktoons also, in its heyday, aired some original content - some made for the network, others acquired programming. For example, it introduced us Americans to Kappa Mikey, The Secret Show, Edgar and Ellen, Martin Mystery, Shuriken School, Kaput and Zosky, and the show we'll be looking at today: Corneil and Bernie.

What, exactly, is Corneil and Bernie? Well, it's a French cartoon also known as Watch My Chops (whatever that means) about a dog named Corneil much smarter than most people. He can talk, read, write, and surf the internet. Meanwhile, Bernie is a moron who finds out that Corneil can talk - but Corneil is afraid to let anyone ELSE know that he can talk, so Bernie is entrusted to keep his secret. Between 2003 and 2006, two seasons were produced, then in 2014 the show came back with new episodes, but I'm not sure if those episodes ever aired in the United States.

I remember watching at least one episode of the show when it was on Nicktoons, but that was years ago. Does the show still hold up? Let's watch an episode and find out!

Specifically, we'll be watching the episode "Jungle Panic".

Oh, my mistake... it's actually "JungLe PaniC"...

After the theme song, we discover that "Jungle Panic" is, in addition to being the name of the episode, a game show that Bernie likes to watch. There's just one rule - survive for a week on a tropical island. Bernie wants to be on the show, but he's apparently too stupid to write an application himself, so he asks Corneil to do it. This causes Corneil to, uh, have flashbacks to the Titanic... oh-kaaaaaaaaaay.

But then Bernie mentions that he'll be on the show for a whole week. A whole week without this idiot around to drive Corneil nuts sounds good, so Corneil changes his tune and writes up that application.

Why does Corneil's couch look like a giant purple nacho?

After mailing the application, Bernie gets a call from the guy that runs Jungle Panic, who says that he can be on the show - but on one condition. Corneil has to come too. For some reason. "You're so lucky I sent in a copy of this picture!" Bernie exclaims, holding up a picture of them.

I'm just now realizing how much Corneil looks like Odie from Garfield...

"Bernie, there's no way that I'm leaving this apartment for some bug-infested jungle without water or electricity!" Corneil snaps. He's not changing his mind. "No" means "no".

Alas, the Gilligan Cut does its thing and we then see Corneil and Bernie about to board the ship that'll take them to the island. They bid a fond farewell to Bernie's... parents, I think? Anyway, they bid a fond farewell to them and head off on the boat despite how much Corneil doesn't want to. On the island, they are given a speech from some army general wannabe guy. "If there is a problem, set off your distress player and we'll come and get you! BUT, you'll be out of the game!" he barks. "Good luck."

Blue-Haired Idiot is all "Isn't this cool?!", then Corneil notices a camera hidden in a tree. In fact, there are MULTIPLE cameras scattered around the island. "The whole world could discover my secret at any moment!" the dog exclaims. But because Bernie is an idiot, he still refuses to give up and let them go home.

Unlike the other contestants, Bernie doesn't seem to give a rat's tail about building a shelter or finding food or whatever. Fortunately, Corneil has an idea - he'll simply drive the other two contestants off the island, meaning that Bernie will win and they can go home. It's GENIUS!

He manages to freak out one contestant with their distress flare, then lets the other contestant hear him talk and convince him that he's gone insane.

I love the pose and expression on this guy here.

Meanwhile, Corneil's idiot owner is hungry. He sees a bird (not sure what kind... it's hard to tell with this art style) and chases after it.

I'd probably run like heck too if this guy were chasing after me.

Okay, so as it turns out, Corneil's plan wasn't to get rid of the other contestants so that Bernie could win... it was to get rid of them, then tell Bernie that the island is dangerous and that they should leave now. But Bernie refuses - they came there to win, and that's what he's gonna do. "So THAT'S your survival plan?!" Corneil demands. "YOU CAN'T EVEN WRITE A LETTER WITHOUT ME, SO HOW DO YOU THINK YOU'RE GOING TO SURVIVE IN A JUNGLE?!"

"YOU THINK YOU CAN GET ALONG BETTER WITHOUT ME, DO YA?!" Bernie replies. "ALL RIGHT, CORNEIL... FROM NOW ON, IT'S EVERY MAN... OR DOG... FOR HIMSELF!" Corneil is just fine with that. As am I. He'll likely do better without this moron around.

Then it starts raining, because of course it does.

Day 2 of Jungle Panic and Bernie is putting all of his energy into winning. "But Bernie is going to have to overcome some daunting challenges if he's going to win!" the host announces. For example, building a hut... which he fails at. And making a fire... which he attempts to do in the rain. Ice Age did this joke better. Just saying.

Now let's see how Corneil is doing...

Pretty darn well, I'd say.

Bernie goes begging Corneil for help. Corneil wants to make a deal with him - all Bernie has to do is set off his distress flare and he can have some of Corneil's food. Bernie agrees, but the distress flare winds up going out of control, destroying a camera and Corneil's burrow. Fish Lips is more concerned that now he can't have any of Corneil's food.

Bernie admits that Corneil was right and that he can't do it on his own. Corneil says that he'll help Bernie, but first they have to get rid of the cameras... which they accomplish by pelting mud at them.

Look at the clashing art styles... Corneil looks like he was designed by Bob Kurtz (I think it's mainly the eyes) and Bernie looks like he came from a Klasky-Csupo cartoon.

The guy who runs Jungle Panic sends paramedics to the island, where they discover Corneil and Bernie with a small cabin and a windmill.

And a strangely-colored palm tree, too.

One of the paramedics tells Bernie that a crew will be coming to fix the cameras. After they leave, Corneil becomes angry - he and Bernie agreed that they would go back on the first boat. But Bernie is, as we've established before, an idiot and STILL wants to win. And just to add insult to injury, the mud on one camera has dried up and comes off, zooming in on Bernie just as he's talking to Corneil about how he can talk and no one is watching them and how he built the cabin.

Seeing this on TV, Bernie's... again, I think that's his dad but I could be wrong... calls up Jungle Panic and informs them that Bernie's now as mad as a March Hare and begs them to do something. Soon Corneil is in a raft that's about to head off for home, watching two crew members drag Bernie onto the raft protesting that he's not crazy. The end.

This is another show that I'm gonna put in the "okay" category. I like Corneil. Bernie can get kind of annoying, but I can stomach him for the most part. The show isn't a laugh riot, but it IS kind of funny. There isn't much I can say about it aside from "it's okay".

NOTE: After watching the episode, I did some research and found out that those two aren't Bernie's parents, nor is Corneil Bernie's dog. They're Corneil's owners, and Bernie is merely his pet-sitter.

P.S. I still don't know what "Watch My Chops" means.

Let's Watch This - "Mickey, Donald, Goofy: The Three Musketeers"

Let's talk a little about DisneyToon Studios. It had potential. It really did. It could've done great things, but instead it got pigeonholed into making direct-to-video sequels to Disney movies that weren't asking for them. And once THOSE came to an end, it were pretty much stuck doing the Planes and Tinker Bell movies before getting shut down.

But when it made a good movie, it made a good movie. It's the studio responsible for A Goofy Movie, for one thing. And in 2004, it gave us a certain movie called Mickey, Donald, Goofy: The Three Musketeers.

This movie was apparently being developed for a while. At one point, Jose Carioca was one of the Musketeers. It was released in honor of Mickey Mouse's 75th birthday. Apparently, before this was released Disney was planning to celebrate that occasion with a film called The Search For Mickey Mouse. Let's talk a little about that: it would've been about Mickey getting kidnapped, so Minnie hires Basil of Baker Street from The Great Mouse Detective to find him. The movie would've focused on Minnie, Basil, Donald and Goofy searching the world for Mickey and encountering every animated character to ever appear in a Disney film. They weren't able to come up with a good script for the film, and they decided that a film where a bunch of different Disney characters show up every five seconds sounded too gimmicky. And, to be honest, I agree. It would be like having a sequel to Wreck-It Ralph suddenly turn into an advertisement for Disney's most popular franchises (such as, for example, the Disney Princesses, Star Wars, and Marvel). Wouldn't that be incredibly stupid?

Veteran Disney animator Floyd Norman, who worked on the film, said that, "In an era of warmed over sequels and prequels, this little movie was a breath of fresh air." He also said that the film was deserving of a theatrical release. And you know what? He's right. If The Jungle Book 2 was considered worthy of a theatrical release, then why not this?

And honestly, I think the fact that it was a direct-to-video release is the reason why this film tends to be overlooked. So today, I'm going to do my part in helping to make sure that people know this movie exists by (what else?) doing a review of it. Let's dive in, shall we?

We start off... uh, behind the scenes of the film, I guess? A turtle (voiced by Rob Paulsen) is sitting in a chair reading a comic book. He tells the narrator of the film that he promised to include some of his songs, but the narrator just whacks him over the head with his lute. Fortunately, he gets his comeuppance via a convenient trapdoor, and SOMEBODY has to be the narrator, so the turtle steps in. "Today," he tells us, "I will tell you the story of... the Three Musketeers!"

Boy, this Masterpiece Theater reboot isn't at all what I expected it to be...

Our story begins in the gutter, where street urchins Mickey Mouse, Donald Duck, and Goofy - plus their dog Pluto - struggle to survive. Suddenly, they're attacked by scoundrels, but the Royal Musketeers show up and save them. Afterwards, one of the Musketeers gives Mickey a gift: his very own Musketeers hat. From that day on, Mickey, Donald and Goofy dream of being Musketeers.

"Disney Babies, we make our dreams come true..."

But before that dream can come true, our three heroes must learn the real meaning of the Musketeer Creed - "All for one and one for all." And the turtle (his name is the Troubadour, by the way) just so happens to have a song about that.

Quick question - why are all of the Musketeers Goofy clones?

This leads to our first musical number, "All For One and One For All", performed by the Troubador and the Musketeers. Nearby, Mickey (Wayne Allwine), Donald (Tony Anselmo) and Goofy (Bill Farmer) are watching the Musketeers. Mickey says that they'll be part of that someday, but for now, they're janitors. Goofy and Donald say that Musketeers need guys that are clever and brave like them. WACKY SHENANIGANS promptly ensue, and eventually Captain Pete (Jim Cummings) winds up landing in the room in his bathtub. Don't you just hate it when your bathtub suddenly falls through the floor?

Pete chew them out for being incompetent as janitors, but Mickey says that they were just practicing so that they could be Musketeers. Pete, after laughing incredibly hard for a few seconds, tells them that they will be Musketeers the day that warthogs learn how to fly a plane. According to him, there are three reasons why they would make lousy Musketeers - Donald's a coward, Goofy's a doofus, and Mickey is too small.

Meanwhile, Princess Minnie Mouse (Russi Taylor) is sitting on her throne swooning about how someday she shall find her one true love. We never see a king or queen, which makes one wonder why Minnie is just a princess as opposed to a queen (other then the whole "queens = evil, princesses = good" mindset that animation studios had at the time). Her lady-in-waiting, Daisy Duck (Tress MacNeille) tells her that a lady of her stature must be courted by a gentleman of royal blood. Even though that doesn't always work out - I mean, hasn't she seen Aladdin?

Minnie, like Jasmine before her, is all "I want to marry for love!" and Daisy's all "But how will you know who your true love is?!" Minnie's all, "I'll know."

This is the cue for the Troubadour to sing a song about love, channeling Pepe Le Pew. However, she doesn't know that Pete's three henchmen, the Beagle Boys (Maurice LaMarche and Jeff Bennett), are preparing to drop a safe on her. Their calculations are off, of course, so their plan fails.

How is this screencap not a meme yet?

Pete is furious - he told them to keep Minnie safe, not drop a safe on her. You see, Pete's plan is to kidnap the princess by the time of the opera tomorrow night.

Ah yes, and whenever Pete mentions the opera, it randomly cuts to a poster of the opera accompanied by singing. It's a great running gag.

So anyhow, Pete plans on kidnapping the princess so that he can become king (which again makes me question where the actual king and queen are). He has his Lieutenant, Clarabelle Cow (April Winchell) send the Beagle Boys down a trapdoor, then gets summoned by Minnie to the palace.

Minnie tells him that she wants Musketeer bodyguards - and in ten minutes. Pete knows that having any of the ACTUAL Musketeers, all of whom are extremely competent, would ruin his plans, so he comes up with an idea.

STEP 1) Make Mickey, Donald and Goofy, who are incompetent, Musketeers
STEP 2) Make them Minnie's bodyguards
STEP 3) Kidnap Minnie (since Mickey, Donald and Goofy are incompetent and probably won't be able to save her)
STEP 4) Become king
STEP 5) I dunno, profit?

Meanwhile, Mickey tells Donald and Goofy that someday they shall prove to Pete that they're fit to be Musketeers. This is Pete's cue to barge in and announce that he's going to make the three of them Musketeers, much to their thrill.

"Hey, Mickey, is it weird that we're the only two Musketeers who aren't dogs?"
"Nah, don't worry about it, Donald..."

Once at the palace, as Pete is "schmoozing" the princess (as he puts it), Mickey tells Donald and Goofy A) that they have to make a good first impression and B) to stay alert because the place could be crawling with villains. Goofy is promptly frightened by a suit of armor, assumes that it's a bad guy, and attacks it.

To be fair, suits of armor ALWAYS come to life and attack people in movies,
so I don't really blame Goofy for being nervous.

After a big speech about how he found these guys and just KNEW that they'd be great Musketeers, Pete introduces Minnie to her bodyguards. Of course, you can see where this is going - Minnie sees Mickey and the two fall in love, complete with a fantasy sequence accompanied by the same music that you ALWAYS hear in a cartoon whenever somebody falls in love.

The fantasy is interrupted by Daisy announcing that it's time to cut the cheese (no, really. She actually says that). Because on the plate that Daisy's holding there's a knife, our heroes assume that she's a bad guy and attack her. Minnie tells them to knock it off.

AAAAAAAAAAND now I'm imagining what the movie would be like
if Daisy was secretly working with Pete.

Pete is thrilled that his plan is off to a good start, which means that it's time for his villain song. This song is called "Petey's King of France", and it's in my opinion the best song in the movie. Mainly because it's performed by Jim Cummings.

After the musical number, Pete tells the Beagle Boys that it's time to put Step 2 of his plan into motion - kidnapping the princess and FAST, since the opera is tomorrow night (cut to the poster and the fanfare). Specifically, he tells them to grab her and lock her in a tower where no one will ever be able to find her (hey, it worked in Tangled).

At the moment, Mickey, Donald and Goofy are protecting Minnie as she and Daisy go for a carriage ride through the country. Minnie is blabbering on about how she's in love with Mickey, but Daisy points out that he's (GASP!) a commoner. "A forbidden love! How romantic..." Minnie swoons.

It's around this time that the Beagle Boys strike. Donald hides in the carriage while Mickey and one of them engage in a little swordfighting, resulting in a funny gag where the Beagle Boy slices off all of Mickey's clothes, leaving him in nothing but his iconic red shorts.

And then he makes that iconic pose of his. You know the one.

The Beagle Boys are able to get rid of Mickey, Donald and Goofy and ride off with Minnie and Daisy. Mickey's all "I DON'T THINK SO!" and gives Donald and Goofy a pep talk before the three run off to save the princess.

Oh my god, the tower that the Beagle Boys hide Minnie and Daisy in even LOOKS LIKE the one from Tangled.

I mean, it's a different color and all, but still...

Goofy attempts to break down the door, resulting in WACKY SHENANIGANS. The Beagle Boys throw Minnie and Daisy into a cage and decide to have a little fun with the Musketeers.

Ah yes, and did I mention the film's OTHER running gag involving Donald shapeshifting into a chicken?

Good thing the Great Gonzo isn't around...

Fortunately, Goofy comes up with a plan that takes out the Beagle Boys and frees Minnie and Daisy. The Troubadour sings another song about love. Kind of redundant since we already had a song about love, but eh, I'll allow it. Mainly because Rob Paulsen is a great singer.

Pete is enraged - Mickey, Donald and Goofy are more competent than he thought they would be. He decides that in order to get rid of the princess, he'll have to pick her musketeers off one by one.

In his spare time, Donald carves topiaries for the Disney Parks.
You've probably seen his handiwork during EPCOT's Flower and Garden Festival.

First, he has Clarabelle lure Goofy into a trap via a shadow puppet of Mickey (Clarabelle's Mickey impression is awful, by the way). Then the Beagle Boys attempt to scare Donald off with Pete masks, but that doesn't work, so they get out a bunch of weapons. It works - Donald makes a run for it, but they capture him and bring him to Pete, who attempts to SLICE DONALD'S HEAD OFF. You know, for kids!

Fortunately, Donald is able to escape. He finds Mickey and Pluto (Bill Farmer) and fills them in as to what's going on. Regardless, Mickey says, "Lie or no lie, Musketeers don't run from danger! And as long as we wear these uniforms, neither do WE!" Donald responds by taking off his uniform, donning his iconic sailor suit, and making a run for it. Mickey tries to encourage him to be brave, but Donald is too scared and dashes off.

Then Pete shows up and clobbers Mickey, taking him to a dungeon which he plans to fill with water. Mickey insists after Pete chains him to the wall that his pals will rescue him, only for Pete to point out that Donald ran off... and inform Mickey that he and his henchmen have already captured Goofy. As he climbs the ladder out of the dungeon, Pete bellows, "I got me tickets to the opera. A little something called... I Just Can't Wait to be King!"

Clarabelle, meanwhile, is preparing to throw Goofy off a bridge and into the river. This doesn't phase Goofy, who is currently falling head over heels for the cow. Thus begins another song in which Goofy expresses his love for Clarabelle, who insists that Goofy will not change her mind one smidge. Regardless, Clarabelle winds up doing a Heel Face Turn and falls for Goofy. After the song, Clarabelle tells Goofy that Mickey is in danger... just as the bridge gives way and they end up landing in a boat that Donald is rowing. Pluto leads Goofy, who's holding Donald, to the dungeon where Mickey is, but Donald is still too scared and hides, only for the Troubadour to sing a song about how Donald is a coward and a traitor and someone to be hated. Eventually Donald snaps, destroys the lute, and tells the Troubadour that he'll show him before running off to join Goofy and Pluto in the rescue mission.

Donald and Goofy are able to save Mickey just in time. Mickey doesn't think they can save the day, but Goofy gives him a pep talk, and then they ride off to the opera. Speaking of which, Minnie and Daisy are just arriving at the opera... where they're grabbed and stuffed into a sack by Pete. Pete's plan is to have one of the Beagle Boys dress up as Minnie and declare that Pete is the king. Say, didn't Ratigan do something similar?

Eh, I'd still rather have Pete as my king than Donald Trump as my president.

Fortunately, Mickey, Donald and Goofy show up and battle the Beagle Boys... on stage, while the opera is going on. Jess Harnell makes a cameo as the voice of a Porky-esque pig who sings "I Am the Very Model of a Modern Major General".

The very model of a modern major general.

Pete decides to get involved, and the battle culminates in a swordfight between Mickey and Pete. Just when it seems like Pete's about to defeat Mickey, Donald and Goofy show up to help. "How's THIS for a coward?!" Donald demands before poking Pete in the eyes. "How's THIS for a doofus?!" Goofy snaps before ramming Pete in the gut. "And I may be small, Pete..." Mickey admits, "But I have friends that make me ten feet tall!"

Pete is taken down. The audience cheers. Mickey and Minnie hook up. Clarabelle appears out of nowhere and hooks up with Goofy. Daisy makes out with Donald. The film ends with Mickey, Donald and Goofy being made royal Musketeers and the Troubadour leading everyone in a quick reprise of "All For One and One For All".

Look at the other musketeers in the background... I just can't get over the fact that
they all look like Goofy. Tell me, is their battle cry "A-HYUCK!"
or "YAAAAAAAAAH-HOO-HOO-HOO-HOOEY!"?

While there isn't anything groundbreaking about this adaptation of The Three Musketeers, as far as direct-to-video Disney movies go it's one of the better ones. Decent animation, great voice acting, genuinely funny jokes, good songs (even if they're all public domain tunes set to lyrics)... I see no reason why this film didn't deserve a theatrical release. I highly recommend giving it a watch.

That said, hopefully Mickey, Donald and Goofy will get a theatrical release someday (stuff like the Fantasia movies and Fun and Fancy Free notwithstanding). Preferably one that's hand-drawn.

Let's Watch This - An Episode of "Ned's Newt"

Have you ever noticed that a lot of cartoon shows are really, really weird?

Think about it. A talking yak whose best friend is a kid with a pineapple for a head? A woman gives birth to a chicken and a cow and nobody questions it? There are some pretty surreal cartoon shows out there.

For example, there's the subject of today's edition of Let's Watch This - a little show from the folks at Nelvana called Ned's Newt.

The show's theme song gives some backstory for the show: one day, this kid named Ned wanted a pet. So he went to the pet store and got a newt. Then he discovered that the newt didn't actually DO anything. Well, yeah. It's a newt. What did you expect it to do, solve world hunger?

Anyhow, he went to the pet store and complained to the owner, who promptly gave him a can of "Zippo For Newt", which I guess is some sort of newt food or whatever. Upon eating it, the newt became a newt version of the Genie from Aladdin. And he's voiced by Harland Williams.

Let's watch an episode of the show and see if it's any good. First up, "Mars Dilemma".

The episode begins with Ned's mother (Carolyn Scott) finding out that they have a LOT of tomato soup. All well and good, except that she needs tomato PASTE if she wants to make homemade pizza. So she tells Ned (Tracy Moore) to go to the store and get some tomato paste.

I'm just now realizing that he looks like a cross between Charlie Brown and Numbuh One from Codename: Kids Next Door...

Before Ned goes to the store, he has to feed his newt, whose name is Newton by the way. As a result, Newton goes from a teeny tiny newt to a big blue newt with a large gut and promptly launches into an unfunny comedy routine. Eventually, Ned manages to tell him that he's going to the store so that he can get some tomato paste, which Newton for whatever reason finds hilarious. He claims that if he wants to get tomato paste, he should go to MARS.

"Newton, could you cool it with the random impressions?"
"Nope. When it comes to jokes, that's all I've got."

Newton does an impression of Arnold Schwarzenegger for whatever reason, then explains, "Why do you think they call it the RED planet, Neddo? The moon is made of cheese. Mars is made of tomato paste." Shapeshifting into, uh, I think Leonardo Da Vinci, he add's that Neptune is where you get "that blue stuff you put in your toilet". Ned says that he can't go to Mars - his mom won't even let him go to the movies alone. Newton replies that he's NOT going to the movies alone. "You're going to Mars! With me! And in THIS!" he says, showing off Ned's mom and dad's station wagon.

"Yes, we're going to Mars in a station wagon!
How, I don't know. But hey, it's a show with a big blue talking newt in it,
I'd say that ANYTHING'S possible!"

Something I couldn't help but notice is that Newton is not funny. You'd think that since Harland Williams is doing his voice there'd be some good laughs, but so far he hasn't done anything particularly amusing.

Anyway, somehow Newton is able to convert the station wagon into a spaceship while doing more painfully unfunny impressions. The one problem is that the car is locked - and the keys are in the car, which makes one wonder how exactly they were able to lock the car in the first place. We get a reference to 2001: A Space Odyssey (because... it exists, right?), and eventually they squeeze in through the back door.

There's probably some sort of theory posted online that Newton is in fact just a
normal newt and Ned is just insane.

We get a reference to Alien (because, hey, it's an episode about going to space and that's a thing that exists that also takes place in space, right?) and head out of the garage. As they're cruising down the street, Newton becomes... what is he even supposed to be right now?

I think he's trying to do a Jamaican accent here, for what it's worth...

Newton makes references to Back to the Future and Star Trek as he explains to Ned that he installed a new "pulportion" system fueled by... bread. When Ned asks how bread is going to help them raise into the air, Newton says, "What? You've never heard of RAISIN bread?"

Okay, I will admit that was kind of funny.

They blast off, fly through a hole in the ozone (which does make for a kind of funny visual gag), and we get a reference to The Mask. Fitting, since in the cartoon show based on The Mask, the Mask's shtick was ALSO doing random impressions and shapeshifting every five seconds. Once in space, they stop at a gas station so Newton can use the bathroom and then head over to Mars, which as it turns out IS made of tomato paste. Because this is a cartoon, it's also populated by aliens. "If it's the red planet," Ned says, "How come the martians are green?" Newton replies, "Because they aren't ripe yet!"

Okay, that was kind of funny too. Ned doesn't think so, however.

They enter a store and buy some tomato paste, only to discover that it tastes awful. Newton suggests that they go to "the corner store" instead. Wah wah wah wah waaaaah...

Back on Earth, Ned's dad (Peter Keleghan) finds him in his car with Newton, who's shapeshifted back into a regular newt. Ned's dad doesn't notice that the car is now a spaceship and flies off in it. Hopefully, Ned doesn't tell his folks about how he flew to Mars in the station wagon with his blue shapeshifting newt, because otherwise he might be on his way to a mental asylum...

I would also like to point out that during that cartoon, nothing really happened. Ned tries to get to the store, he gets derailed by Newton, Newton does an unfunny comedy routine, they go to Mars but don't like the tomato paste there... in fact, do they even get any tomato paste in the end? It doesn't feel like anything was really accomplished.

The second cartoon in this episode is called "Saturday Night Fervor".

At Ned's school, a girl he likes named Linda (Tracy Ryan) is elected the "Spring Queen" of their "Spring Festival Dance". And Ned is one of the nominees for the "Spring King" - the other being a much more popular kid named Rusty (Jonathan Wilson).

Ned returns home and is greeted by Newton - what else? - trying way too hard to be funny.

Ned's just as annoyed by Newton as I am.

One unfunny comedy routine later, Ned tells Newton that he wants to be the Spring King to Linda's Spring Queen but he has no chance of beating Rusty. Newton then becomes Ned's campaign manager, and none of the other kids question the giant blue newt dressed as a bandleader banging a drum.

"Vote for Ned!"
"Okay. Who are we to argue with a giant blue newt?"

The votes are counted, and it's a tie between Rusty and Ned. Rusty suggests that, since it's a dance, they make the best DANCER the Spring King. The teacher (also Carolyn Scott) loves the idea - they'll have a contest at the dance! The one problem, of course, is that Ned can't dance as well as Rusty can. Gee, I wonder what's going to happen next... will his giant talking newt help him become a great dancer in a way that involves him making a million unfunny jokes?

The answer to that is YES. Yes, that is exactly what's going to happen. Case in point...

Make up your own joke here, I've got nothing.

Long story short, Newton teaches Ned how to dance, and we cut to the Spring Festival Dance, where Newton is disguised as a potted plant.

"Feed me, Ned!"
(Hey, if the newt can make pop culture references, I see no reason why I can't.
In fact, I'm amazed that they DON'T make a Little Shop of Horrors reference here).

The dance contest begins, and Ned does pretty well until his pants fall down (no, really. That's what happens). Rusty mocks him and then Newton does an impression of Don King for some reason. And no, people STILL don't question the giant talking newt.

Look at how bored Rusty is right now... "I'm being shouted at by a giant blue newt
doing an impression of Don King. Eh, not that unusual."

Newton's idea is to put on an enormous stupid-looking outfit, then have Ned stand on his shoulders - that way, Newton will do the dancing and it'll look like NED is doing it. No one will ever know!

Of course, nobody questions why Ned is suddenly much larger as he re-enters the room. Ned and Rusty have their dance-off, but then - D'OH, the "Zippo For Newt" is wearing off, and this results in Newton changing back into his smaller, non-anthropomorphic self!

"WHAT ARE THE ODDS, I SAY?!"

Regardless, Ned wins - but he's too exhausted to dance with Linda now. The end.

This is a very strange show. And not only is it a strange show, it's also a very weak show. Some of the jokes ARE kind of funny, but when a joke fails, it really fails. It's pretty much just a few minutes of Harland Williams trying to be funny but being bogged down by the lousy script. The characters aren't really interesting, Newton can get annoying, and it seems to believe that being weird automatically equals being FUNNY. And, no. No it doesn't. Sorry. That being said, like with Squirrel Boy I've seen far worse cartoons.

And remember, if you buy a pet newt and the pet store owner gives you a can of "Zippo For Newt"... well, then I hope you like unfunny impressions.