Let's Watch This - An Episode of "American Dragon: Jake Long"

Happy 2020, everyone! 2019 might not have been a very good year (to be honest, I thought it was horrid), but at least I managed to keep this blog active (remember how I didn't post anything for a whole year back in 2017? Yeah...). The productions that we looked at in 2019 were a mixed bag. We looked at good animated movies and we looked at bad animated movies. We looked at cartoons starring dolphins, monkeys, and pandas. We looked at productions starring Mickey Mouse and Woody Woodpecker. We looked at things starring anthropomorphic cows. We've looked at mean-spirited shows, disjointed shows, and... whatever the heck this is. Who knows what the new year will bring us?

Well, today, for my first review of the year, we're looking at a show that's pretty divisive. There are people that love it and there are people who hate it. Much of the division seems to fall on the main character and his use of GANGSTA TALK. Which I agree is very annoying.

That show is a little show that aired on Disney Channel from January 21st, 2005 to September 1st, 2007, then aired in reruns on the channel until 2010. For a while, it also aired on Toon Disney, and then for a while on Disney XD. That show... in case you haven't been able to guess it already... is American Dragon: Jake Long.

The show stars Jake Long (voiced by Dante Basco), a teenager who lives in Manhattan with the ability to shapeshift into a dragon. He must balance living the life of a typical teenager with essentially being a superhero and protecting all of the magical creatures living in the city. So, essentially, it's the same plot of Kim Possible, Danny Phantom, Atomic Betty, My Life as a Teenage Robot, The Life and Times of Juniper Lee, Randy Cunningham: 9th Grade Ninja... a lot of shows, honestly. But with dragons!

Oh yeah, and there's a talking dog named Fu Dog voiced by John DiMaggio. So there's THAT, too.

I don't remember if I ever watched any episodes of this show while it was on... I think I might've watched at least ONE, but I'm not one hundred-percent sure. So today, we'll be watching an episode of the show to see if it's any good. Specifically, we'll be watching the Season One finale - "The Hunted".

Just a word of warning, folks: this episode ends on a cliffhanger. Yes, the SEASON FINALE ended on a cliffhanger. Thank goodness they just so happened to get another season so that cliffhanger would be resolved... I mean, wouldn't it have been annoying if it had only gotten one season and we never found out what happened? You know, kinda like what happened to THIS SHOW?

Thanks for getting the show cancelled, One Million Moms!

The episode begins with... Jake at school. Going through his locker and beatboxing for whatever reason. Uh, adventure ho, I guess...

A blonde girl named Rose (Mae Whitman) pops by and asks Jake if he "has a second". Jake notices that she has some sort of tattoo on her hand and gasps - why? Well, according to the flashback, it's the very same tattoo that Huntsgirl, an enemy he recently fought as a dragon, had on HER hand. It's the mark of the "Huntsclan", and it assures her that she was born to do one thing... slay dragons. But since Huntsgirl dresses like a ninja, he had no idea of her "secret identity" until now.

Here's a screencap of Jake in dragon form. Is it just me, or does he look incredibly stupid-looking?

He looks like a cross between Mushu and Winnie the Pooh...

So Jake says, "Sure, I have a second and... whoops! There it went! I, uh, I gotta get going to the place with..." and then he falls backwards down a flight of stairs. Nyuck nyuck nyuck...

Cut to Jake having lunch with his two friends Spud and Trixie, the Sam and Tucker to his Danny Fenton. He whines about how the girl he wants to date is in league with the "Huntsclan". Spud (Charlie Finn), whose shtick is that he's an idiot, says, "It could be worse, you know, at least you're not in love with your mortal enemy! Oh, wait, never mind..." Trixie (Kali "Miss Kittie" Troy), whose shtick is that she's the stereotypical sassy African-American girl, tells Jake that he can't date her 'cause she's, ya know, his mortal enemy.

That night, at Rose's, uh, pagoda apartment building, it's time for her to prepare for something called the "Grand Equanox Hunt". Her master, a guy known as the Huntsman (voiced by Jeff Bennett, which automatically makes him awesome), tells her that she must slay her first dragon - specifically, the American Dragon. Who, as we all know, is really Jake Long. Cue the dramatic music.

Speaking of music, we then get the theme song. It's pretty bad, but it does feature these two gargoyles:

Note to self: do a review of Gargoyles at some point...

And also a unicorn and a leprechaun...

No, I'm not going to make a My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic joke here...

After that, we cut to some fairies arguing in the park. Jake asks his Grandpa (Keone Young) what's going on, and we get exposition: the arguing fairies are two tribes of "meadow-sprites". The tribe on the northern side of the river claim that the golden apple growing on the tree on their side is theirs because the tree is on their side of the river, but the fruit hangs over the territory of the southern side, so they think the apple is theirs. Why they can't just chop the apple in half, I don't know.
Grandpa and Jake the Dog... I mean, Fu Dog... tell Jake that he must help the meadow-sprites settle their dispute. Because reasons.

Look at Jake's hair. What was it with teenage protagonists in the 2000s having
spiky hair? Jake has it, Sora from Kingdom Hearts has it, the kid from Sonic X
had hair like that... was the Calvin look just "IN" during the 2000s or something?

So Jake shapeshifts into the American Dragon and goes over to deal with the fairies. "Listen up, y'all!" he shouts. "The American Dragon is here to lay down the law on this apple business! Ya heard?!" Yes, clearly the meadow-sprites are going to listen to this big red dragon with a stupid haircut who speaks in GANGSTA SLANG.

I gotta admit, I was not expecting to see THIS in the third FernGully movie...

Indeed, Jake has difficulty dealing with the sprites. Apparently he can't just slice it in half as I suggested before because doing so would destroy the apple's magical properties.

By the way, get a load of the face that Jake is making here. Just LOOK AT IT...

Okay, I take back what I said earlier. He doesn't look like a cross between
Mushu and Winnie the Pooh. No, no... he looks like a cross between Mushu,
Winnie the Pooh, and Emperor Kuzco (the llama version, I mean).

"There has to be a peaceful way to settle this!" Jake exclaims. "Uh... do you guys know rock-paper-scissors? Eenie-meenie-minee-moe? Anybody?" Long story short, the fairies start fighting over the apple, Jake falls into the river and turns back into a human being, and the apple is stolen by Jake's grandpa, who has shapeshifted into a dragon. Grandpa eats the apple and tells the fairies that since there's no more apple, there's no more reason to fight.

Okay, Grandpa's dragon form DOES look cooler than Jake's dragon form...
even if it DOES look like they just colored Mushu purple and slapped some
white facial hair on him.

After the fairies fly off, Purple Discord shapeshifts back into Jake's grandpa and helps Jake out of the water. According to him, magic creatures look to dragons for wisdom and guidance and that Jake must always have poise and... then he burps. Ha ha ha ha ha. Burping isn't inherently funny. I've said that before. Satchel from Get Fuzzy... I mean, Fu Dog then whines about how hungry he is.

Then we cut to Jake, as a dragon, flying over the city. He winds up running into Huntsgirl and they trash-talk each other for a couple seconds. Jake gets a bunch of bricks falling onto his head, and then it's chasing time. But, oh no! Huntsgirl winds up luring Jake into a trap!

Apparently, the Huntsman employs Jawas. Who would've thunk?

Jake beats up the Jawas and flies off, but then the Huntsman sics a train on him. The train clobbers Jake, and he wakes up in a jail cell with these guys:

There's a leprechaun, a dragon, a mermaid in a t-shirt, a giant girl and... I think
that's a pixie by Jake's foot...

And yet, this STILL isn't nearly as weird as Ned's Newt or Squirrel Boy.

So, who are these guys? Well, the little guy is Reggie (I don't know who does his voice, IMDB doesn't say it...). He's a brownie with some anger management issues, but he denies it - "I manage to get angry JUST FINE, THANK YOU VERY MUCH!" he barks. The mermaid's name is Silver (Kari Wahlgren), and she's a graduate of "Atlantis U". The giant girl's name is Bertha (Edie McClurg), and we get a joke about how her feet smell bad. Ha ha ha ha ha that's not funny. And the leprechaun is named Clooney (IMDB doesn't say who does HIS voice either, but it sounds like Rob Paulsen to me). He's neuronic.

Jake is all "I'll get us out of here!", but he can't break the chains that are holding them in their cell. Why? Well, according to Silver, the chains are made with reinforced unicorn horn. Apparently, they're all being taken to the Huntsclan's "grand equinox hunt".

The Huntsman announces once they arrive at the "grand equinox hunt" that at dawn, they shall give Jake, Silver, Reggie, Bertha, and Clooney a head start, then hunt them down. You know, like at a fox-hunt. Which makes me realize that I could be watching that episode of Futurama where Bender goes fox-hunting right now instead of this...

Huntsgirl then swears that she shall slay the American Dragon and fulfill her destiny. Later on, she decides to get a better look at the American Dragon and realizes that he looks familiar (she hasn't figured out that it's Jake yet). Jake tells her that just because she has that tattoo on her hand doesn't mean she has to follow in the footsteps of all the other Huntsclan members, but she insists that he doesn't know her.

"Look, why don't we just come out and say it? I know you're Rose, and you
know I'm Jake. My love interest is also my mortal enemy. Irony's a jerk, ain't it?"

Then Jake says this - "I know you're a little rough around the edges, but every thorn's gotta have a rose." I expected this to be the part where Huntsgirl realizes, oh snap, Jake knows that she's Rose, but nope, that doesn't happen. But after Huntsgirl leaves, Jake reveals to the others that he swiped the key with his tail. But the key won't work on the locks on their feet, so they're all still stuck together. Wah wah wah wah waaaaaaaaah...

So they all sneak off, and at dawn Huntsgirl and the Huntsman find out that they've escaped. The Huntsman blames Huntsgirl for whatever reason, then decides to begin the hunt anyway. The three-headed hounds are released, the Jawas all grab their weapons, and our little group of magical creatures panics. Then Jake gets the idea to just fly himself and everyone else to safety - which is easier said than done, since one of the people he's carrying is a GIANTESS. Long story short, they all wind up in a tree.

We haven't had a screencap of the Huntsman yet, so here's one now. All hail
the mighty Jeff Bennett-voiced King of the Magical Creature-Hunting Jawas!

Clooney sneezes, and that alerts the Huntsclan of their presence. Jake uses his tail to slice the tree off its stump (good thing the Lorax isn't around to see that!), causing it to slide down the hill and carry him, Clooney, Bertha, Silver and Reggie away from the hunters and into a river. But since this is a cartoon, they're headed for a waterfall because all rivers in cartoons end in waterfalls. Jake tells Silver to jump in the water and use her fins to get them to safety, but Silver admits that she can't really swim and that she's afraid of the water, much to everyone's shock. So it's over the falls for them!

Don't worry, fellas. In cartoons, good guys ALWAYS survive going over a waterfall.

After that, they wind up at a barren wasteland full of geysers that spew out highly-flammable gas. And wouldn't you know it, the Huntsclan catches up with them! As they hide behind a geyser, Reggie announces that they're all pathetic. But then Jake remembers his grandfather's words about magical creatures looking to dragons for wisdom and guidance and blah-blah-blah...

And he makes this face again, too, by the way.

This, plus a comment from Clooney about how they're gonna get blasted with that "green energy stuff", gives Jake an idea...

Oh, for the love of... now he's making the DreamWorks face? SERIOUSLY?!

Huntsgirl spots Jake and shoots a blast of that "green energy stuff" at him, and it winds up hitting his chain, breaking it. "NOW WAVE YOUR CHAINS IN THE AIR, YEAH! AND WAVE 'EM LIKE YOU JUST DON'T CARE!" he shouts in a rather annoying fashion. Soon all the chains are broken and our heroes can make a run for it. Huntsgirl tries one more time to make a "dragon shishkabob" out of Jake, but Jake announces, "Time to turn up the heat, yo!" (god, what an awful one-liner...) and uses his fire-breath to make blue flames rain down on the Huntsclan.

Once he, Clooney, Reggie, Bertha, and Silver are safe, Jake says that they have to stick together because there's safety in numbers. "I say we're through running and hiding! I say we take the fight to THEM!" he exclaims. Reggie likes the idea of "a little payback"... and promptly walks right into Bertha's smelly feet. Allow me to summarize this running gag with a video:

Jake whips up a plan to take down the Hunstclan, but Clooney and Silver don't think they can pull it off. "We're not warriors, Jake," Silver points out. Jake is all, "Well, then it's TRAINING MONTAGE TIME!"

The training montage doesn't do them any good, and soon the Huntsclan is arriving to slay them all. Jake decides to take a second option and lead the Huntsclan away from the others... and promptly gets captured by Huntsgirl.

It's nighttime now, and now Huntsgirl must finish Jake off. Fortunately, the other magical creatures are waiting in the bushes to save him. Clooney sics a lightning cloud on two of the Huntsclan guys, Reggie goes to town on a couple, Bertha makes them smell her feet (hahahahahahahahahaTHAT'S STILL NOT FUNNY) and Silver uses a tidal wave to take some down. The Huntsman retreats. Jake roasts his rump... right before Huntsgirl captures him. Just as she's closing in to finish him off, he shouts, "ROSE! NO!"

Huntsgirl... actually, you know what? Let's just call her Rose... anyway, she stops. Jake shapeshifts back into a human. The truth has been revealed. But wait, Rose is still going to blast him!




Oh, wait, no. She's letting him free.

After that, Jake uses a payphone to call up his grandpa and ask him if he and Fu Dog can drive upstate and pick up him and his friends. Grandpa praises Jake for being all Mr. Wisdom and a good leader and all that, but Fu Dog points out that letting Rose know his identity wasn't the best idea because it takes away from the "mystery and the romance and the va-va-va-va-voom" or whatever he's trying to say.

Francis from Oliver and Company does not approve of your shenanigans, Jake!

Grandpa says that perhaps Huntsgirl will become their ally, and then Jake says, "Not only that, but she's gonna be my main squeeze! HOLLAH!" Were kids really talking like that in the 2000s? I don't remember...

We then cut to Jake telling his two friends at high school about how Rose "digs" him. The friend who's a girl acts all stereotypical sassy, and the friend who's a boy acts like an idiot. Then Jake finds out that Rose decided to transfer to another school. The end.

I was pleasantly surprised by this episode. Was it GREAT? Well, no. Jake can get kind of annoying (not Mighty Max levels of of annoying, but annoying), his two friends are kind of annoying, even the dog can get kind of annoying. But I liked the magical creatures Jake meets - the mermaid, the giantress, the leprechaun, the brownie... those guys were cool. Good voice-acting, too. I guess it's the kind of show that you need to watch more than one episode of to really "get it"... if that makes any sense, I mean. But I was expecting much worse.

And as I've said before, it sure is a good thing that this show got another season. Imagine how annoying it would have been had the show gotten cancelled before the cliffhanger could be resolved. You know, just like what happened to THIS SHOW...

Yeah...