NOTE: Please do not take any of the little nitpicks in this review (or any of my other reviews, for that matter) seriously. I write these reviews in the hopes of making people laugh. Those nitpicks are really just dumb little observations that I'm attempting to make jokes out of, not complaints that add to whether or not I like something.
Have you ever been to Disney's Animal Kingdom? Have you ever been on that great Dinosaur ride they have? If you haven't, you'd better get over to Animal Kingdom and ride it - apparently they have plans to turn it into a Zootopia ride.
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| Unpopular opinion time: I actually like this ride. |
Well, here's an interesting fact: did you know that it was called "Countdown to Extinction" when it first opened? They renamed it as a tie-in to Disney's 2000 release, and their first CGI film, Dinosaur.
This is one of the more unusual films in the Disney Animated Canon. Apparently, the film was originally thought up by Paul Verhoeven and Phil Tippett in 1988 as a stop-motion film called Dinosaurs with an S. It was meant to star a Styracosaurus named Woot, facing off against a Tyrannosaurus Rex named Grozni (am I the only one who thinks "Gronzi" sounds like Gonzo's brother or something?). Believe it or not, the film would've ended with the characters all going extinct. Long story short, the film was shelved until the 1990s. Michael Eisner suggested having the film be CGI as opposed to stop-motion. The finished film has CGI characters, but most of the backgrounds are live action. Amusingly, that means there's most live action in this film than there was in Disney's 2019 "live action remake" of The Lion King.
Ralph Zondag and Eric Leighton took on the roles of directors. The protagonist became an Iguanadon named Noah. The film was also meant to have no dialogue at all, but Michael Eisner insisted on having the characters talk. You know, just like what happened with The Land Before Time and the 2013 Walking With Dinosaurs movie. So the moral here, apparently, is not to try making animated movies starring dinosaurs that don't have dialogue.
The film has a sixty-five percent rating on Rotten Tomatoes and ended up making a worldwide total of $349,822,765 at the box office, then proceeded to fall into obscurity alongside other entries in the Disney Animated Canon like The Great Mouse Detective and Brother Bear. I recall watching the film a few years ago (maybe in 2013?) and finding it okay. Now, I'm going to watch it again. Let's dive in, shall we?
So the movie begins with... what I assume is supposed to be what it looks like inside a dinosaur's egg as a narrator rambles about how "Some things start out big. And some things start out small. Very small."
Then we see the egg sitting in its nest as an Iguanodon watches over it and several others. Everything's all fine and dandy - well, until this guy shows up:
The ferocious Carnotaurus, a type of dinosaur that probably became much more well-known as a result of its presence in this film and the aforementioned Disney's Animal Kingdom ride. With one powerful stomp, he manages to smash the Iguanodon's eggs - except one.
Once the Carnotaurus runs off (and presumably the Iguanodon gets eaten), an Oviraptor swipes the one remaining egg, presumably to eat it. But then another Oviraptor shows up and they start playing a rousing game of "Get Your Own Dang Lunch, This Is Mine".
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| "My egg!" "MY egg!" "MY egg!" "MY egg!" "MY egg!" "MY egg!" "YOUR egg!" "Nice try, that only works in Bugs Bunny cartoons." |
I suppose now would be a good time to talk about the animation. One downside to CGI is that it's always improving as technology gets more advanced. As a result, what looks mind-blowing in 2000 probably won't look as mind-blowing in 2023. Case in point, this film. The dinosaurs look pretty good, but they're not quite as incredible to look at as they were back in the 2000s. Actually, it kind of feels like I'm watching a Jurassic Park video game.
Anyhow, the egg winds up falling into the river, occasionally being scooped up by another dinosaur before a Pterodactyl snatches it and flies off with it, leading to what I'm going to go out on a limb and say is the most awesome part of the movie.
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| It's like Soarin' Over Pangea or something. |
After a run-in with what appear to be prehistoric ducks, the Pterodactyl winds up letting go of the egg. It lands on an island of Zoboomafoos.
Yes, there are lemurs in this movie. Before you go "hey, why are there lemurs in prehistoric times?" or whatever, there actually did exist an extinct genus of lemur called the Archaeolemur. I don't think it looked quite that much like Zoboomafoo, but I love Zoboomafoo so I'm not going to complain.
The lemurs are led by the wise old Yar (voiced by Ossie Davis). When the egg hatches and the little baby Iguanodon inside is revealed, he's afraid of it. But his daughter, Pilo (Alfre Woodard), identifies it as a baby. Not wanting to wind up a dinosaur's lunch, Yar initially wants to kill it, but can't bring himself to. Especially not after it pees on him. No, I am not making that up.
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| Yeah, it's cute NOW, but just wait until it starts singing "I'm the Baby, Gotta Love Me". |
So the lemurs decide to take the little guy in. Years later, we see the big ol' Iguanodon, who the lemurs named Aladar (D.B. Sweeney), playing with the little lemurs, among them Pilo's daughter Suri (a young Hayden Panettiere). His best friend is Zini (Max Casella), the film's comic relief character who thinks that he's a hit with the ladies. So, in other words, he's the lemur equivalent of Howard Wolowitz. Except Howard is a jerk whereas Zini is not.
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| "One of these days, I'm introducing you to Chris and Martin. They'd get a kick out of you." |
I suppose I should address the woolly mammoth in the room - Iguanodons had beaks. The Iguanodons in this movie just have regular ol' lips. I don't know why that decision was made. Maybe they found regular lips easier to animate in CGI than beaks. There's also the whole "dinosaurs having feathers" thing, but we didn't know that in 2000 so I can let that slide. Plus, we did briefly see two baby Pterodactyls that looked like they had feathers, so there's that, at least.
Okay, so it's apparently the first day of mating season on the island, and all the lemurs are a-rearin' to find dates. Aladar carries the boys on his back and dubs himself the girls' "buffet table of love". No, I don't know how a dinosaur in prehistoric times knows what a buffet, or a table, is. By sunset, the only lemur remaining who doesn't have a significant other is Zini. Aladar doesn't have anybody either, but, y'know, that's because he's the only dinosaur on an island full of lemurs.
Oh, and make your own Tarzan joke here. I can't think of anything clever enough.
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| "Are those bombs?! Iger must be trying to kill us off so he can turn Dinoland U.S.A. into a Zootopia land!" |
Suddenly, comets begin raining down from the sky. One of them causes a nuclear explosion.
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| Totally how comets work, right? They just form mushroom clouds whenever they make contact with water? |
More meteors rain down on the island. Aladar, Zini, Suri, Pilo, and Yar manage to make it to the water and safety, but the rest of the island isn't so lucky.
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| I could make a joke here, but I feel like that would be really inappropriate. Also, I can't think of anything funny. |
The five have no choice but to just keep walking further inland. Eventually, they come across some raptors.
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| It wouldn't be an animated Disney movie without some Nightmare Fuel. Oddly, I still don't find this guy as creepy as the Klaptrap. |
The raptors pursue Aladar and the lemurs for about a minute, then they're driven off by a duststorm and a gigantic herd of dinosaurs. Including a female Iguanodon who I'm toooooooooooootally sure isn't gonna be Aladar's love interest.
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| "The first female of my species that I've ever seen? I must mate with her!" |
The leaders of this herd are two constantly-in-a-bad-mood Iguanodons, Kron (Samuel E. Wright, otherwise known as the voice of Sebastian the Crab) and Bruton (Peter Siragusa). Also part of the herd are two old lady dinosaurs named Baylene (Joan Plowright) and Eema (Della Reese). And their pet dinosaur, Url.
Yes, two dinosaurs have a pet dinosaur. A pet dinosaur who acts like a dog. It's very confusing. Couldn't they have made Url some other type of prehistoric animal, like an early mammal or something? It still would've been confusing (in a "so, wait, the dinosaurs and lemurs talk but the early mammal doesn't?" sort of way), but having two dinosaurs have another dinosaur who acts like a dog as a pet just raises further questions.
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| Maybe he's just to dinosaurs what Pluto is to Goofy? |
Baylene and Eema explains to Aladar and the lemurs that they're going to the Nesting Grounds, where dinosaurs have their babies. But they're having trouble keeping up, no thanks to Kron's "the weak get left behind" mindset. Aladar complains about this to Kron, but Kron unsurprisingly doesn't listen.
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| Boy, talk about a jerk-osaurus. |
The female Iguanodon from before, Kron's sister Neera (Julianna Margulies), tells Aladar not to worry, that's just how Kron treats newcomers... no matter how charming they are. Again, tooooooootally not the love interest.
The next morning, Zini decides that in order for Aladar to get Neera to like him, he needs a little help from - all together now...
The Loooooooooooooooove Monkey hides behind Aladar's head, catcalls Neera, does an impression of Dino from The Flintstones (don't ask me how a lemur in prehistoric times knows about The Flintstones), and generally makes it look like Aladar is making an idiot out of himself. Methinks the Looooooooooooove Monkey doesn't know as much about romance as he thinks he does.
So the dinosaurs plus four lemurs march, march march through the desert. Anyone who collapses from exhaustion winds up a raptor's snack. But they don't just have raptors to worry about...
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| What's worse than ONE Carnotaurus? Answer: TWO Carnotauruses. Well, either that or having your attraction at Walt Disney World torn out and replaced with a Zootopia ride, I'm not sure which. |
Eventually, the dinosaurs arrive at a lake... or rather, what was once a lake. Now all the water has dried up. Kron is all "We shall continue on without water! Whoever can't keep up with us, that's THEIR problem!" after sending Bruton and another dinosaur out to search for more water.
But wait! Baylene's giant foot winds up revealing that there IS some water left - it's just under all the dried-up dirt!
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| It's disgusting likely very dirty brown water, but beggars can't be choosers. |
Incidentally, Baylene was originally going to be a male character voiced by Chris Farley. Alas, he died, resulting in us missing out on another Chris Farley-voiced character (remember, he was also originally going to voice Shrek).
While the dinosaurs are all trying to get a drink of water, Bruton and the other dinosaur he was sent out to find water with are ambushed by the Carnotauruses. That intense scene is followed by Suri playing with the little dinosaurs and Neera warming up to Aladar. "We watch out for each other, we all stand a chance of getting to your Nesting Grounds," he insists.
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| "Flirt flirt flirt flirt flirt." |
Bruton shows up and tells Kron that the Carnotauruses are a-comin' their way. "Move the herd out!" Kron shouts. If the ones in the back can't make it, he tells Aladar, they'll just have to be sacrificial lambs. This makes Aladar MAD!
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| Why does every other screencap of Kron look like it would make a great meme? |
Kron knocks Aladar down, then snarls, "If you ever interfere again... I'll kill you." Who's a bigger monster, him or the Carnotauruses? I mean, the Carnotauruses at least have the excuse that they need to eat...
Who put Kron in charge of the herd, anyway?
Baylene, Eema and Url can't keep up with the others, and Aladar and the lemurs stay behind to help them. While trying to find the rest of the herd, they come across Bruton, who was also unable to keep up and then was presumably attacked by the Carnotauruses. Aladar offers to help him, but Bruton is all "I don't need no stinkin' help!" so Aladar is all "Suit yourself, but you're free to join us in that convenient cave over there if you realize that letting people help you doesn't make you weak or whatever the lesson you're supposed to learn in this movie is".
Which he does about five seconds later. Pilo tends to his wounds and gives a big speech about how he doesn't have to subscribe to Kron's "only the tough survive" mantra.
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| "You wanna know how I got these scars?" |
Eventually the Carnotauruses show up outside the cave, and our heroes have to venture further into the darkness before they're spotted.
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| Hopefully Carnotauruses don't have very good night vision. |
Alas and alack, eventually the Carnotauruses see them and give chase. Bruton saves Aladar from being eaten and tells him that he'll hold them off while he and the others get to safety. He accomplishes this by causing a cave-in. Bruton doesn't survive. Even worse, one of the Carnotauruses DID. But it leaves.
After that, Aladar's troupe reaches a rock wall. But Zini the Loooooooooooove Monkey pulls back one of the rocks, revealing light on the other side. Aladar tries to remove more rocks, but fails to take down the wall. He begins to give up hope, but Baylene ain't having none of that. She and the others join him in trying to demolishing the rock wall, and once they accomplish it, guess what they find on the other side?
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| "Finally! We've found the Great Valley - uh, I mean, the Nesting Grounds!" |
But where's the rest of the herd? Eema initially thinks that they'll catch up, but then notices another giant rock wall. "THAT was the way we USED to get in here," she tells Aladar. Knowing that they'll never make it over a giant rock wall, Aladar decides to go find them. "Kron will eat you alive!" Eema points out. "Let him try!" is Aladar's response.
Meanwhile, the rest of the herd is having difficulty with the rock wall. Kron insists that they have to try climbing it. Aladar shows up and warns them that a Carnotaurus is on its way (he spotted it on the way there). "I've been to the valley! There's a safer way!" he says. Unfortunately, Kron's not really in a "listening to Aladar" mood...
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| Kron doesn't take kindly to others asking him to sing "Under the Sea". |
To Kron's shock, Neera chooses to go with Aladar, and the other dinosaurs follow suit. But then the Carnotaurus shows up.
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| "You've gotta ask yourselves... 'do I feel lucky?' Well? Do ya, punks?!" |
"STAND TOGETHER!" Aladar urges the other dinosaurs. The Carnotaurus charges, but Aladar and the other dinosaurs manage to fend it off by shouting at it. Apparently a Carnotaurus' only weakness is loud noises.
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| The Carnotaurus is very confused by this impromptu performance of the All-Dinosaur Choir. |
The dinosaurs manage to make it by the Carnotaurus through the power of warbling. Then it spots Kron, alone, still trying to climb up that rock wall. Fortunately, Aladar and Neera ambush it while it's attacking Kron and eventually it winds up falling off a cliff. Unfortunately, Kron still dies.
But everyone else makes it to the Nesting Grounds, which means that it's time for some mating. Soon Aladar and Neera have a little baby dinosaur of their own. Who promptly pees on Yar. Because if it was funny once, it's bound to be funny TWICE. And if it was gross once, it's bound to be gross twice too.
And Zini the Looooooooooooooooove Monkey meets some new neighbors.
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| He asks them if they'd like to play a game of "Monkey in the Middle". Never before has that game sounded so dirty. |
So all's well that ends well. At least until the asteroid hits, that is.
What's the Verdict?
I was pleasantly surprised to see that Dinosaur still holds up pretty well. Yeah, the animation's not as impressive as it once was, but it's still decent. The characters are all likeable (well, aside from Kron, but we're not supposed to like him, so...) and the voice actors all do a good job. And yeah, there's nothing here that we haven't already seen in something like The Land Before Time, but just because something is cliched doesn't mean that it's bad.
So why the heck has the film so obscure since its release? Seriously, even in the 2000s you rarely saw anybody talk about it. I mean, it's not that the film was a flop or anything. It was the fifth highest-grossing film of 2000 AND the fourth best-selling home video release of 2001. Is it because most of the reviews can basically be summed up as "pretty visuals, dull plot"? Was Disney just more focused on pushing stuff like Lilo and Stitch over it? How DID this film become just another footnote in Disney history?
Ah well, if you want to watch Dinosaur you can find it on Disney Plus. I'd recommend watching it at least once. Especially if you're a fan of dinosaurs.
