Let's Watch This: "Go Fish!" (2019)

NOTE: Please do not take any of the little nitpicks in this review (or any of my other reviews, for that matter) seriously. I write these reviews in the hopes of making people laugh. Those nitpicks are really just dumb little observations that I'm attempting to make jokes out of, not complaints that add to whether or not I like something.

NOTE #2: No disrespect is meant towards anyone who worked on the movie I am reviewing today. I'm sure they are all very nice and talented people.

NOTE #3: If you like this movie, that is great. Go ahead and like it. I'm not judging you.

There are a weird amount of CGI animated movies about fish. Seriously, there are a LOT of 'em. Finding Nemo's success probably has something to do with it. In fact, I think Finding Nemo might be the animated film that's spawned the most copycats. People really, really wanted a slice of that movie's pie. The most infamous of these cash-grabs is, of course, Shark Tale, but there's also this...

And this...

And this...

I gotta ask... do people actually buy these? Has anyone ever actually seen one of these in a DVD store, said "This looks similar to Finding Nemo. I think I'll buy it!" and paid money to take it home? I think most people can recognize a cash-grab when they see one.

And these weird little knockoffs just keep coming in. The one I'm reviewing today came out in 2019.

Go Fish! (one of the most generic names for an animated movie about fish ever) is the creation of Arcana Studios (whose other productions include something called Pandas vs. Aliens and The Steam Engines of Oz) and Grindstone Entertainment (who also had a hand in that Pinocchio movie starring Pauly Shore... not exactly filled with confidence). Somehow managing to rope talented folks like Mark Hamill, Ron Perlman, Scott McNeil, and Kathleen Barr into lending their voices to it, this film is so obscure that it doesn't even have a Wikipedia page. I think this probably stems from the fact that very few people have actually watched it.

Well, I have. And spoiler alert: it's not very good. Why do I say that? Well, let's dive in. Get it? Dive in? 'Cause the film takes place underwater? Yeah, that's the height of wit that you'll see in my reviews...

The film begins in a colorful coral reef full of sea life swimming about. One of them is a pufferfish who provides us with our first Finding Nemo comparison - he looks way, way too much like that movie's Bloat. I know there's only so many ways you can stylize a pufferfish, but couldn't you at least make it a little less obvious?

Oh, so THIS is what happened to Mr. Puff...

After that, we see some... eugh, what am I looking at? Those are the most repulsive looking seahorses that I've ever seen. That orange one looks more like a mutated giraffe than a seahorse.

Hello, nightmare fuel.

The dad seahorse (voiced by David Milchard) talks to another fish about how it's the MALE seahorses who have babies. Okay, I'll give 'em credit for at least trying to be educational. Then the daughter seahorse, whose name is Christine (Kathleen Barr), pays a visit to an eel named Eelanor (Asia Mattu). Ow. That pun is so bad it's physically hurting me. Ow.

It looks like they painted the alien from Mac and Me pink.

Christine bugs the eel with a bad pun for a name, then we cut to a creepy-looking sea turtle getting a tooth cleaning. Ooh, one of our characters is at the dentist. Exciting!

…hey, wait a minute. Sea turtles don't have teeth. I looked it up. NO turtles have teeth. I know, I know, it's an animated movie, it doesn't have to be super scientifically-accurate, but even the character model for the turtle in this movie doesn't have any teeth! What, is the dentist fish just cleaning its GUMS?

Crush, what have they done to you?!

After that, we're finally introduced to our main character, Alex (Sean Patrick O'Reilly). He's a parrotfish who... honestly doesn't look that much like an actual parrotfish. This is what a parrotfish looks like:

And here's Alex:

It looks like they just slapped Tweety Bird's face on a fish's body and said "Okay, that works." However, like an actual parrotfish, Alex's job is to chew on algae off the coral reef. So clearly the writers did SOME research.

Alex notices something that he assumes is sea kelp, to which the mom seahorse (Samara Redway) goes, "Oh, he should 'sea kelp' all right." The dad seahorse agrees with me and says that it's not funny.

"I tawt I taw a creepy-looking seahorse! I did, I did taw a creepy-looking seahorse!"

Alex explains to Christine, and the audience, that coral is actually alive and how it's a parrotfish's job to keep it clean. "The folks in charge would be super-duper cranky if fish like me didn't keep it neat!" he says. So, there are actually folks "in charge" of this entire coral reef? Who would that be? And why do they get to call the shots? What, are they King Neptune or something? I'm going to need more information.

Christine complains about how her parents are so overprotective. Suddenly, the camera starts zooming around bumping into things as we hear somebody beg for help. Uh oh, methinks the plot is coming to mess with Alex's life.

So whoever it is asking for help is a fish with black goop covering her eyes. "Keep calm and carry on," Alex tells her. Yes, they actually just referenced a meme. And just in case you didn't get the joke, Alex then says, "That's a meme." Oddly, I still don't find it as cringe-worthy as Granny going "Haters gotta hate!" in Space Jam 2. 

And how does a fish know what a meme is? Fish don't have computers... do they?

Alex uses some dispersant to clean off the goop, then suggests that they take this to "the king". Yes, the fish have a king. I'm gonna go out on a limb and guess that it is indeed King Neptune as I suggested before.

Nope, it's not King Neptune. It's just a lionfish. His name is Charles (Scott McNeil)... oh, I get it. He's a LIONfish. Lions are the King of Beasts. If that was intentional, I'll give the writers credit for being clever. He is accompanied by a fish also voiced by Scott McNeil doing a bad Paul Lynde impression. 

Both of them are incredibly annoying.

So the other fish, whose name is Mary (Alison Wandzura), tells the king about the black goop, but the king acts like a pompous jerk to her, Alex, and Christine. In fact, he even paraphrases that scene in Aladdin where the snooty prince tells Aladdin that he'll never be anything more than a pathetic street rat, insulting Alex over being a parrotfish. Dang, this guy's a racist. Or species-ist, anyway...

After that, Alex runs into the pufferfish from before (Elijah Dhavvan) and talks about how he feels like he should be doing something more. "My job's important!" he points out. "So why do I get treated like a second class fish?" Then the pufferfish... well, actually, his name is Ed... says that he knows where the mysterious goop comes from - he dubs it "the ink of the Black Beast of Bargathan". And then... oy, Christine shows up again. Can't we have ONE SCENE without her popping up?

So, as Ed explains what the "Black Beast" is, we see a flashback of him encountering something with long red tentacles... okay, were you trying to keep the fact that the "Black Beast" is an octopus or a giant squid a secret? Because you just gave it away. I think everyone in the audience have been able to guess just by seeing those tentacles that it's some kind of cephlapod. After that, the eel with a bad pun for a name shows up and advises Alex not to be a hero because when one fails, it really hurts. Or, as they say in Robots...

Meanwhile, on a nearby oil rig...

Okay, you know a movie's animation is bad when the humans look on par with the ones
in the Monsters vs. Aliens show (the show, not the movie).

This character's name is Callie, and she's voiced by YouTuber Justine Ezarik. I would like to take this moment to talk about how annoying it is that now even random people on YouTube are more likely to get voice-over jobs than professional voice actors. Seriously, did ANYBODY go to see Trolls just because Grace Helbig, GloZell, and Ricky Dillion were in it? It's not like Justine brings anything to this character that a professional voice actress couldn't have.

Anyway, Callie meets up with a co-worker, Dennis, voiced by Mark Hamill. They talk about how important it is that the oil rig avoids any spills and blah-blah-blah, can we go back to the fish?

Seriously, this is some bad animation. I guess getting Mark Hamill must've eaten into the budget…

So, yeah, as you might have guessed, the oil rig is indeed the reason for the black goop in the water. Alex hasn't figured that out yet, however, as we see him having a brief nightmare about the "Black Beast" attacking... hey, wait. Why does Ed call it the "Black Beast" when it's very obviously red?

Alex meets back up with Christine (oy) and then decides to head off and find the "Black Beast". Ed is all "No, the king will be mad if he finds out you disobeyed him!" and Alex is all "Don't care!" and the seahorse mom is all "Christine, get back here!" and then Christine is all "No, I wanna help Alex!" and then Ed gets dragged into the little adventure as well.

"Just keep swimming, just keep swimming, just keep swimming, swimming, swimming..."

And of course, it wouldn't be a Finding Nemo cash-grab without a scene where the characters encounter a shark or two!

"Make one Jaws joke and I'll gobble you up."

The shark (Summer O'Reilly) chases after Discount Bloat, the terrifying seahorse, and the spawn of Flounder and Tweety Bird with the intent to have them for dinner, but then the eel shows up again and saves them. After the shark swims off, the eel agrees to come with them.

And now it's time for the film to talk about special abilities that fish have to ward off predators. For example, Ed can inflate... a little. Not very much. And Eelanor can... open her mouth really widely. And Ed knows a hagfish and some flying fish that can do cool things, too. Yes, the movie has basically come to a halt so we can learn about cool things that sea creatures can do. I'm all for teaching kids about nature, but it's like if in the middle of The Lion King the characters stopped to talk about how zebras hide from predators.

For those wondering, that thing they're looking at is a sea cucumber.

The next morning, Paul Lynde Fish - whose name actually IS Paul, they're THAT on-the-nose about it - finds out about Alex's leaving and then gets into an argument with Mary. This scene goes absolutely nowhere.

Then it's back to our heroes! They come across some multicolored jellyfish. We get some more of Christine talking about how she wants to prove she can do great things. This is like the fifth scene where she complains about her parents treating her like a baby. We get it. You don't have to keep hammering it in.

"I shall call one of them 'Squishy', and they will be mine, and they will be my Squishy..."

Ed brings up that jellyfish don't have brains. "Plenty of fish get by without any brains. Just look at Paul!" he quips, giving us our first funny line in the movie. Alas, he follows that up with some painfully unfunny jokes. First he makes a bad pun about jellyfish having a "jellybutton". Then he says that jellyfish envy all other fish because they're "jelly". And after THAT, he claims that jellyfish live in saltwater because pepper water makes them sneeze. I think even Fozzie Bear would be cringing at these jokes...

After the parade of bad jokes, the four come across... a plane? Underwater?

Must've been one incompetent pilot...

Ed identifies the plane as being made by humans. Eelanor finds an electric toothbrush, which she's somehow able to turn on despite not having hands... and how is it even working underwater?

Speaking of humans, we cut back to Dennis and Callie for a second. The oil continues to spill, and more and more fish are getting it on them. Another parrotfish points out to Paul that Alex warned him and the king about the stuff, if only they'd listened to him...

Meanwhile, Alex and his friends run into that shark again. This time, she's accompanied by another shark with the voice of Ron Perlman.

Don't worry, guys, they're actually just giant rubber bath toys.

I know I've been making a lot of Finding Nemo references in this review, but at this point they're really starting to write themselves... one of the sharks says that it's a shame the heroes don't have a clownfish with them, and then the other shark says... actually, why don't you GUESS what the punchline here is? Is it...

A) That clownfish taste funny

B) That clownfish taste funny

OR C) That clownfish taste funny

Of course it's that clownfish taste funny. And then it's chase scene time! Eventually the sharks wind up tasting some of the oil and the Ron Perlman shark says, "Santa Maria, this is awful! No fish is worth THIS!". Then the sharks swim off. Nice use of Ron Perlman, guys.

Back in the reef, Paul tells King Charles that Alex was right about the black goop. But the king doesn't believe him. This is another scene that goes nowhere. Back to our main characters... they come across a big cloud of smoke that smells like the dispersant Alex used earlier, and Alex suggests getting the stuff back to the reef. Then he and Ed start arguing.

I have good news, though: the movie's half-over.

So then they find the part of the rig that's leaking oil, and come across more of the oil rig equipment stuff. Problem is, Alex doesn't know how to FIX the problem. This makes Ed really mad. I dunno, seems pretty obvious to me... just find something to patch up the hole in the pipe, or something they can stuff in the hole. Like a small rock or something.

Thankfully, Eelanor chews out Ed for his hypocrisy and grumpiness. And then a scuba diver shows up to inspect the equipment... and doesn't notice the hole in the pipe. Just as well, it probably would've made for an anti-climax anyway. After that, Ed swims off to find the "Black Beast", and Christine and Eelanor decide to head home.

Meanwhile, things are getting worse for the fish in the reef. The oil is everywhere and all the residents are getting stuck in it. And everybody's starting to get mad at Paul. Including a terrifying anglerfish.

"PAUL, WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH MY PUPILS?!"

The fish tell Paul to get the king to do something about this or else they'll overthrow him. So Paul goes to tell the king... who's got some oil on him as well. He blames Paul for not telling him earlier about the oil even though he actually did. Thankfully, Paul calls him out on that and dubs the king a fraud, a sham, and a "fraud-sham".

Are you sure he's not actually a ZEBRAfish? Look at those stripes...

As for Ed, he finds his stupid "Black Beast" - which, unsurprisingly, is a giant squid.

"Jeez, it's bad enough I have to deal with that Captain Nemo guy, now YOU'RE going to
interrupt my naps?"

And those sharks show up to go after Christine and Eelanor again. But before they can eat them, Alex arrives and starts taunting them, and when they give chase he leads them right to the oil rig equipment. I'm not one hundred percent sure what his plan is here...

The humans, meanwhile, have finally taken notice of the dang oil spill. And apparently there's something wrong with Dennis' computer because it's still claiming "normal pressure" despite their clearly being a leak. Then it's back to the fish. Ed shows up as Alex is evading the sharks, and then Alex gets another idea involving the squid - lead the sharks down there, have them fall onto the squid, waking it up and causing it to rise out of the pit where it's sleeping, and then... I don't know, but eventually the scuba diver notices the leak and fixes it. Dennis presumably gets fired, Alex and his friends return to the reef and all the oil is cleaned up... somehow. Paul acknowledges that he and the king acted like jerks to Alex. And now it's time for the king to get his comeuppance. Also, there's a reference to Toy Story.

How did this guy become king in the first place, anyway?

Actually, the king doesn't really get any comeuppance. He just swims off nervously and then Alex is named king. That's it? You can't at least have one of the sharks eat him or something?

After that, Alex acknowledges that he was mainly motivated by the desire to be noticed and gives a big speech about how he couldn't have done it without his friends. And we end with a pop song.

What's the Verdict?

Honestly, I had pretty small expectations going in, so I'll admit that it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. But it's still pretty bad. The animation is mediocre at best. The fish look okay for the most part, albeit more like rubber bath toys than actual fish... the humans, meanwhile, look awful. The story's not that interesting, which is weird considering it's about something as big as an OIL SPILL. The characters are all either bland (Alex, Eelanor, Ed) or annoying (Christine, Paul), with the king in particular being a really dull antagonist. Mark Hamill and Ron Perlman are wasted. I do give them credit for including some actual information about sea life, but most of it feels kind of forced and brings the story to a halt.

All in all, you could do a lot worse than Go Fish!, but I wouldn't recommend watching it. You'd be better off just watching Finding Nemo again.

Don't worry, my next movie review will be more positive. I won't give away what it is yet, though.