Let's Watch This - An Episode of "Shirt Tales"

NOTE: Please do not take any of the little nitpicks in this review (or any of my other reviews, for that matter) seriously. I write these reviews in the hopes of making people laugh. Those nitpicks are really just dumb little observations that I'm attempting to make jokes out of, not complaints that add to whether or not I like something.

First off, I have a confession to make... for whatever reason, I have a habit of getting this show mixed up with The Get Along Gang. I think it stems from the whole "group of little animals from the 1980s" thing.

Now, let's talk about Shirt Tales.

The world was introduced to the Shirt Tales in 1980, the creations of greeting card designer Janet Elizabeth Manco. They appeared on Hallmark cards which apparently sold well enough for Hanna-Barbera to make a cartoon about them. The show premiered in September 1982 on NBC and received two seasons - one having thirteen episodes, the other having ten, making for a total of twenty-three episodes in all.

The titular Shirt Tales are a group of cuddly animals that live in a big oak tree in a park called (get ready for this) Oak Tree Park. They ride around in a vehicle known as the Shirt Tales' SuperSonic Transport - the STSST in other words - and fought crime. The team consists of Tyg Tiger (voiced by Steve Schatzberg), Pammy Panda (Pat Parris), Digger Mole (Bob Ogle), Rick Raccoon (Ronnie Schell), and Bogey Orangutan (Fred Travalena doing a Humphrey Bogart impression). The second season added Kip Kangaroo (Nancy Cartwright) because until then there was only one girl in the group. I think the reason they're called the "Shirt Tales" is because they wear shirts.

Where the heck did the raccoon's eyes go?!

Is Shirt Tales any good? Well, you probably wouldn't be reading this if you didn't want to find out. So why don't we start the review? We'll be watching the show's tenth episode, which consists of the segments "Save the Park" and "Pam-dora's Box".

It's a beautiful day at the park. The sun is shining, kids are playing... but the park custodian, Mr. Dinkel (Herb Vigran), isn't in such a good mood. He tells the Shirt Tales that they got a message from the city to vacate the park before it gets leveled for the construction of a skyscraper.

I like that none of the Shirt Tales have pants on. Porky Pig and Donald Duck
would be proud.

Apparently, the park was originally supposed to be protected, but some rich geezer named Ebenezer Grunge found a loophole in the documents. And once the park is razed, the Shirt Tales will be sent to the zoo. Tyg claims this'll put them out of action as the Shirt Tales, but I'm not one hundred percent sure how. They can't do their crime-fighting if they live in a zoo?

Pammy points out to the others that their job is fighting injustice, and the park getting leveled, THAT'S an injustice that they should be fighting.

Y'know, with his brown fur and white mask, Rick looks a bit more like a red
panda than a raccoon to me.

So they get in the STSST and head to Grunge's castle. No, no. Not a mansion or a skyscraper like most rich geezers in cartoons live in. An actual CASTLE.

I like to think that he built the place himself, as opposed to just finding a random castle abandoned in the middle of nowhere and buying it. It probably cost him millions to build it, but in his mind, it was totally worth it. He HAS to make sure that everyone knows how much richer he is than they are.

Honestly, though, it could use a little renovating. Or at least a new paint job.

The Shirt Tales sneak into the castle and find Mr. Grunge cackling about how he shall destroy the park. They try to reason with him, but Grunge isn't exactly the type of person you can reason with. "What gives you the right to be so rude and, and, so downright mean and heartless?!" Pammy demands. Well, you see, Pammy, Grunge is what we call a two-dimensional cartoon villain... their entire shtick as characters is being so rude and so downright mean and heartless.

I notice that Mr. Grunge doesn't find it at all weird that a panda, orangutan, raccoon, tiger, and mole are talking to him. Of course, that's to be expected in Hanna-Barbera cartoons... none of the humans that Wally Gator encountered ever freaked out over the fact that there was a talking alligator.

Let's see... business suit, grey hair, somewhat large chin... yep, he's a stereotypical
cartoon villain alright.

Indeed, Grunge's excuse for being so rude and downright mean and heartless is that he enjoys being so rude and downright mean and blah-blah-blah. I love how over-the-top evil this character is.

Rick suggests that they take a trip back in time. With the push of a button, Grunge and the Shirt Tales are transported fifty years back in time. They see a younger Grunge in the park, getting bullied by some other kids playing baseball. Nobody wanted him on their team because he couldn't hit the ball. Cue the sad violin music.

Once they arrive back in the present, Pammy asks if Grunge ever tried to hit a ball. Grunge says no. In that case, why was he so obsessed with getting on a baseball team? Regardless, now the Shirt Tales are going to help him learn to play baseball. And they do it indoors, because playing baseball indoors is ALWAYS a good idea.

I bet Grunge is gonna be really ticked-off if the ball goes through one of his windows.

Grunge hits a home run, and he actually feels pretty good for a second... but then declares that he still hates the park. Digger insists that he couldn't hate the park now, because "It's a very special place that brings everyone happiness!"

"When I press this button, your whole castle will explode. We didn't want it to
come to this, but you've left us no other option. When you get to the Devil's domain,
tell 'em that the Shirt Tales sent you!"

To prove their point, the Shirt Tales transport them all to the park. There, Grunge spots a young boy by the name of Little Skinny Lenny who's upset because nobody wants him on THEIR team because HE can't hit the ball. Grunge encourages him to try, and wouldn't you know it? Lenny hits a home run too. Apparently being good at baseball is just something you can instantly do if you TRY. Practice? What's that?

Okay, an orangutan's most defining characteristic is its long orange fur. Why is Bogey
brown? Did the animators use up all their orange paint on Tyg or something?

So, park saved, right? Nope. Grunge still needs convincing. Turns out the whole thing was in his imagination. How did the Shirt Tales do that? Do they have the ability to control peoples' imaginations? I'm confused.

But, the Shirt Tales say, Grunge CAN help a kid become the next Derek Jeter in real life. Too bad he insists that there's only one thing that brings him happiness - and since he's a two-dimensional cartoon villain, that one thing is money.

He loves money so much, he just tosses it into the air at random and lets it rain down on
him. All two-dimensional cartoon villains do that in their spare time.

"But, money can't buy happiness!" Digger points out. Bogey points out that Grunge's money could all go away, which horrifies him. What exactly is Grunge's reason for wanting to build a skyscraper, anyhow? He says it's because it will bring him money, but building a skyscraper is likely pretty expensive, so it can't be THAT financially beneficial to him. Does he want to live in it? He's already got a CASTLE and he seems pretty happy in THAT. Is it going to be a workplace or something? What even IS Grunge's job?

Rick presses the button again, and it takes Grunge and the Shirt Tales to the future. Say, this is a lot like that one Charles Dickens novel... what was it called again? Oh, yeah - Oliver Twist!

In the future, Grunge sees that his skyscraper was never actually completed and is in the process of being destroyed. Why was it never completed? Well, all of his money went... somehow... they never specify, but like I said before, building a skyscraper is probably expensive (I don't know for sure, I'm not an architect) and it's never actually specified how much Grunge actually has.

Even after his Heel Face Turn, he still has a permanent angry look on his face.

So now Grunge is all "Must save the park!" and signs away his claim to the park. Now he must appoint a legal custodian to guarantee its protection. Pammy suggests Mr. Dinkel. Happy ending.

By the way, it seems that Mr. Dinkel doesn't know that the animals in the park are the Shirt Tales. I hope this means that he hasn't actually SEEN the Shirt Tales in action, because he'd have to be really stupid not to figure out that the tiger, mole, panda, raccoon, and orangutan wearing t-shirts are the same tiger, mole, panda, raccoon, and orangutan wearing t-shirts hanging around his park. Next episode!

"Pam-dora's Box" opens on a dark night in the city of Matte Painting.

I bet the crime rate in this city is incredibly high.

A mysterious shadow is creeping around, eventually managing to drag some bearded guy with a briefcase behind a trash can so it can steal his clothes. And who does that shadow belong to? A panda!

Trenchcoats and fedoras can make ANYTHING look cool. Even a cuddly cartoon panda.

Meanwhile, the Shirt Tales are all hanging out. Tyg and Bogey are raiding Mr. Dinkel's food supply, Digger and Pammy are watching a movie, and Rick is reading the newspaper. He sees an article about a foreign government donating a panda bear to the city zoo. Pammy wants to visit this new panda, but the other Shirt Tales tell her that it's dangerous. I guess the implication is that if they go to the zoo, the zookeepers will grab them and throw them in cages? 'Cause they're animals? Even though they're walking, talking, clothes-wearing animals?

I can't take anything that Bogey says seriously. His bad Humphrey Bogart impression voice
sounds incredibly off-putting alongside the gentle high-pitched voices of the other Shirt Tales.

While Tyg, Bogey, Digger, and Rick are watching The Attack of the False Teeth (which I assume is about a pair of dentures that goes around eating people), Pammy sneaks over to the city zoo to see that new panda. He introduces himself as Bobby Bear. Bobby's voice sounds like Freddy from Barnyard, but I don't know for sure if Cam Clarke did his voice... he did start doing voice acting in the 1980s, so it COULD be him, but he's not listed in the credits.

Why is his stomach blue?

Pammy and Bobby immediately hit it off, but then an antennae comes out of Bobby's ear buzzing with static electricity or whatever. As a result, Bobby starts talking about his "leader" and how he has these "secret documents" which he will "transmit" to them. The cat's out of the bag - or rather, the BEAR'S out of the bag. That was my attempt at a joke.

"I should've known you weren't a real panda! Everyone knows that real pandas have
BLUE pupils!"

Bobby is in fact a robot, and he's EEEEEEEEEEEE-VIL! He throws Pammy into a cage and then heads off to do evil stuff.

Why are all of the cages in the background empty? Did the lion sneak out to grab
a pizza or something?

We cut back to the other Shirt Tales. They leave Dinkel's house, head back to their tree, and get a call from the Commissioner (who looks like a John Cleese caricature) about some secret documents that have been stolen. But before they take care of THAT, they need to find Pammy. After all, without a female member of the group, all of the girls watching this cartoon will have probably switched the channel over to CBS or something.

Is it weird that I'm wondering why a tiger is the same size as a raccoon?

Eventually, the Shirt Tales spot Bobby and, of course, assume that she's Pammy. Despite the fact that Bobby doesn't wear a bow or a t-shirt and has a blue stomach. Apparently Tyg, Digger, Bogey, and Rick all need glasses (to be fair, Digger is a MOLE, which aren't exactly known for their good eyesight). Once Bobby starts talking and brags about how he has a replacement at the zoo and is now free to transmit the documents to his leader, they realize that he is not, in fact, Pammy. Rick and Bogey head off to save Pammy while Tyg and Digger deal with Bobby. And by "deal with Bobby", I mean "easily get captured".

Wow. Fail.

Rick and Bogey save Pammy, then head back to help Tyg and Digger. Rick activates the STSST's "turbo fan" to mess with Bobby, and while he's discombobulated, Pammy frees Tyg and Digger from their prison cell. And Rick snatched the secret papers. And apparently the smoke from the turbo fan causes robot pandas to short-circuit, because Bobby is starting to literally fall apart. "He really blew that job, sweethearts!" Bogey quips. The end.

"My whole schtick as a character is that I make unfunny quips every five seconds!
Laugh, please!"

Wait a minute. There was no box in this episode. The title lied to me!

What's the Verdict?

I wasn't expecting Shirt Tales to be very good. Like I said, I often get this confused with The Get-Along Gang, so I was expecting something syrupy sweet and all goody-goody the-cartoon-equivalent-of-eating-happy-butterflies-drenched-in-maple-syrup. Y'know, like the Care Bears or My Little Pony (granted, I haven't seen a single episode of The Get-Along Gang either, so I could be wrong about THAT show being like that). But y'know what? It wasn't that bad. It wasn't great, but it wasn't bad. The Shirt Tales themselves are tolerable enough, not very interesting but not annoying or unlikeable - I particularly liked Digger. The animation is okay. The voice actors all do a good job. I'm not sure if I would recommend it to anyone over the age of ten, but it's pleasant enough as far as cartoons go. Utterly harmless.

Yeah, this is another one that I'm gonna have to put in the "meh, it's okay" category. It's really hard for me to do a funny review of something I just found okay. Maybe next week's review will give me some more material...