Let's Watch This... Again: An Episode of "Ned's Newt"

It's time for another re-review! You probably recall that in 2019, I did a review of a Nelvana cartoon called Ned's Newt. I didn't care much for it.

Ned's Newt was the creation of Mike Burgess and Andy Knight. It premiered on Teletoon in Canada in October 1997, then in the United States it premiered on Fox Kids in 1998. Three seasons were produced, but apparently only the first season aired in the U.S.

What is the plot? Well, a kid named Ned (voiced by Tracy Moore) has saved up enough money to buy a pet. When he gets to the pet shop, he finds the only thing he can afford is a newt, so he buys one and names it Newton. Then he becomes annoyed that the newt doesn't do anything but sit on a rock in his bowl. It's a newt, Ned, what did you expect it to do? Card tricks?

He goes to the pet shop and complains to the owner, who gives him a can of "Zippo For Newt" pet food, warning him not to give his pet too much. So, Ned feeds Newton a little of the stuff and... nothing happens. He leaves the can of "Zippo For Newt" by the bowl and goes to bed, and in the middle of the night Newton climbs out of his bowl and helps himself to the stuff. Thus, Ned discovers the reason WHY you shouldn't give a newt too much "Zippo For Newt" - it causes them to become giant shapeshifters who constantly make unfunny pop culture references.

Newton is voiced by comedian Harland Williams, except for a couple episodes of the fourth season where he stopped showing up to recording sessions and voice actor Ron Pardo filled in. Most episodes focus on Newton dragging Ned into some sort of outrageous escapade, and as soon as Ned gets into hot water the effects of "Zippo For Newt" wear off and Newton's back to being a normal newt, absolving him of all blame while Ned gets punished. Because who DOESN'T love cartoons where a character gets another character into trouble and gets away with it? Also, Ned tries not to let Newton be discovered by anyone, even though that'd make it a little easier to explain the outrageous shenanigans he gets into (nobody's going to believe a giant talking newt made him do it if he tells them that). Maybe he's afraid that if people find out about Newton, he'll get captured by scientists and tested on in a lab or something? Of course, at least twice throughout one of the episodes I previously reviewed, Newton was around other people and they never questioned the presence of a giant talking newt - he was wearing clothes but it was still preeeeeeeeeeeetty obvious that he wasn't human - so I don't know what Ned is so worried about.

The episode I watched previously was the show's fourth, which consisted of the segments "Mars Dilemma" (in which Ned and Newton go to Mars to get tomato paste, which is apparently what Mars is made of) and "Saturday Night Fervor" (in which Newton tries to help Ned impress a girl he likes at the school dance). I didn't care for either episode, but I know there are some folks who look back on the show fondly, so it's entirely possible I just happened to watch one of the weaker episodes. We'll be watching the ninth episode today, which consists of the segments "Help Me, I'm Bald" and "Planes, Trains and Newtmobiles", to see if I judged the show too hastily.

"Help Me, I'm Bald" starts with Ned trying to style his hair - all two stands of 'em. I don't think it's ever specified in the show why Ned is bald. Maybe he's the descendant of Dopey from Snow White? The baldness thing is genetic? Plus, it'd explain the big ears...

I'd say his being bald is likely Newton's fault, but the theme song shows that he was bald
when he bought Newton, so that can't be it...

Newton, doing an impression of a radio disc jockey, suggests that Ned take him to school. Ned refuses, reminding Newton that every time he takes him to school, he causes trouble. Plus, y'know, giant talking newt, and Ned does not want Newton to get captured by scientists and dissected.

Actually, come to think of it, if the thing that makes Newton a wacky talking shapeshifter is a mass-produced pet food, how come there aren't more giant talking newts in this world? Perhaps there are, and Ned just so happens to be the only kid in his town or state to have a pet newt. Actually, there is another episode where Newton meets another pet newt who he feeds "Zippo For Newt", so make of that what you will...

Sometimes, Ned really regrets not buying a fish from the pet store instead.

Honestly, maybe Ned SHOULD bring Newton to school with him. The only other option is leaving him to cause havoc at home. "At school I can LEARN about people! Their DREAMS! Their HOPES!" Newton insists, to which Ned suggests that he learn about people by watching TV. Newton can do that.

Newton spends the day watching commercials for products that supposedly improve peoples' lives, which he finds very informative. And then he actually BUYS those products, thinking that now he finally understands human beings. And then he does a Peter Lorre impression for some reason. I guess it's because Peter Lorre is one of those celebrities whose voices everybody recognizes even if they've never seen any of his movies.

Actually, if Newton doesn't know much about human beings, how does he know who Peter Lorre is?

Maybe he caught a Boo Berry commercial while watching TV and he's actually doing an impression
of HIM?

Then some guy with a vacuum cleaner shows up at the door to try and sell it to Newton, but Newton hijacks his sales pitch. After about a minute, the guy does what anybody would do if they encountered Newton and his unfunny shenanigans and makes a run for it.

Quick question, where exactly are Ned's parents while all of this is going on? Is it ever established if they have jobs?

"So, Ted, did you make your sales quota today?"

"Well, I ALMOST did... then I knocked on one door and this big blue newt answered
and started torturing me."

"...Ted, I think you've been working too hard."

When Ned returns home, Newton declares that he's learned so much about humans. And now he's going to make Ned whole again. "I'm gonna make you into a real boy!" he says, turning into Geppetto.

Y'know, I think I'm beginning to see why Harland Williams stopped showing up to recording sessions. He probably realized how bad the material he was being fed was and decided to bail.

Even Drew Carey was a better Geppetto than Newton.

How does Newton plan to "make Ned whole again"? With decorative plates. Yeah, I don't know either. But Ned decides to go along with whatever Newton's plan is. Ned, you fool.

It's at this point I figured out that this episode doesn't have a plot. So far it's just eight minutes of Harland Williams bombing at stand-up (and Harland Williams is a successful stand-up comedian so I blame the weak material rather than him). Why is the episode even called "Help Me, I'm Bald" when there hasn't been a single reference to Ned being bald so far?

Ned agrees with me and declares that Newton is driving him crazy, but Newton still doesn't get the hint, eventually showing off all the crap he bought from infomercials to Ned. He also signed Ned up for several invaluable services. And how did he pay for all that? He didn't, so he and Ned promptly wind up receiving a bunch of bills.

Newton's expression here is the only funny thing in this episode thus far.

"Newton, this is JUNK! It's all junky junky garbage worthless JUNK!" Ned complains. Knowing that his parents will assume that HE bought all that stuff, he frantically tells Newton to help him hide all of it. But wouldn't you know it, the "Zippo For Newt" wears off and Newton is just a normal newt again. Either that or he just turned back into a normal newt voluntarily because he's okay with throwing Ned under the bus. I guess I can add this to my list of Reasons Why Newton is a Horrible Character:

1) He's annoying

2) He doesn't even look that much like a newt

3) Nothing that comes out of his mouth is funny

4) He's loud

5) He feels like somebody watched Aladdin and desperately wanted to do their own version of the Genie without understanding why the Genie worked

6) He wastes the talents of Harland Williams

7) He gives newts a bad name

8) He gives amphibians as a whole a bad name

9) He has no problem throwing Ned under the bus

10) Did I mention how annoying he was? Because he's very annoying

Ned's parents come in, but instead of assuming that Ned bought all the useless junk like you'd expect them to, they think THEY bought each other those things as anniversary presents, then proceed to each give Ned a dollar. But then they notice the bills...

So, yeah. Ned gets into trouble after all. We can add "constantly gets Ned into trouble and suffers no consequences" to the list of Reasons Why Newton is a Horrible Character. Next segment!

I really hope at some point Ned tells Newton, "Here's a good idea. Have a POINT. It makes things much more interesting for the listener!". It'd be a pointless pop culture reference, but at least it'd be cathartic.

Anyhow, "Planes, Trains and Newtmobiles" begins in the middle of the hot, hot desert. There's a gag where a frill-necked lizard eats a vulture... I notice that the show is actually funnier when Newton ISN'T onscreen... and then Ned's family shows up in an RV. They're on a road trip, and Ned is bored. So he gets out a packet of "Travel Zippo"...

No. No, no, no, no, NO. Bad idea, Ned. Do not feed Newton any of that stuff. There are much better ways to cure boredom.

Put down the packet, Ned. Put it down. Keep it AWAY from Newton's mouth...

Alas, he feeds it to Newton and it's WHACKY NEWTON ANTICS TIME. Don't blame me when Newton eventually blows up the RV or demolishes Mount Rushmore and frames YOU for it, Ned.

"This isn't sunscreen on my nose. It's seagull poop!"

Newton finds a bingo sheet next to his bowl. According to Ned, you cross off stuff on it that you see from the car. Problem is, there's no picture of a thousand miles of sand, so playing it isn't much fun. By the way, how come Ned's parents don't hear Newton's loud and obnoxious yammering?

Anyhow, the RV (or "Mega-Camper", as Ned calls it) stops at a gas station. Ned says that his parents told him not to leave the RV, but Newton is all "Come on, who are you gonna listen to, them or ME?". Before Ned can decide, Newton grabs him and drags him out of the RV. And wouldn't you know it, this leads to Ned's parents driving off without them.

I warned you not to feed Newton any of that "Travel Zippo", Ned. WHY DIDN'T YOU LISTEN
TO ME?!

There's one joke here that I'll admit I did find pretty funny. Ned and Newton start hitchhiking, and they see something approaching. Newton says it's just a mirage, and then you see a typical cartoon mirage - palm trees, a pool of water, that sort of thing - drive by. I'll give the cartoon that.

After crawling through the desert, Ned and Newton stumble upon a big pointy metal hut that they take shelter inside. But it's actually a rocket ship, and inside Newton sees a picture of a rocket with smoke coming out of its rear. Because Newton is an idiot, he assumes that it's the button that turns on the air conditioning and presses it.

"GET... ME... DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWN!"

The rocket lands in Russia. Ned is afraid that his parents will be worried about him, but if you can believe it, they STILL haven't noticed that he's mysteriously vanished. To get back, Ned and Newton hop aboard a boat... a boat that gets caught in a storm at sea and starts to sink. Which shouldn't be too bad for Newton, since he's an amphibian and all...

Sinking to the bottom of the ocean, Ned and Newton discover Atlantis. Yeah, okay. We can throw Atlantis into the episode all of a sudden.

"Starfish Bucks". Huh. A pop culture reference that's actually kind of funny...

Newton somehow causes Atlantis to rise back to the surface by... tripping on somebody's fishing wire? Huh?

Then Ned and Newton manage to borrow a sleigh from Santa Claus. How'd they do that? In the pet shop, Newton explains, he roomed with Rudolph's brother, Reardolph. His back end lit up. I'm not sure what the joke there is supposed to be.

"I also knew Rudolph's other brother, Rusty. He helped save Christmas, too. Brought
some kid to the North Pole to help the elves with computer trouble."

But once again Newton manages to screw things up and they fall out of the sleigh and into a pyramid. And then an Egyptian subway pulls up... just go with it... and we get a montage of Ned and Newton traveling.

Blah blah blah, the "Zippo" wears off just as Newton has taken on the form of a hot air balloon that Ned is riding in, turning him back into a regular newt and sending Ned into a free fall. Ned falls through the RV's sunroof, his parents none the wiser. He tells them he was playing Bingo.

What's the Verdict?

Ned's Newt is mediocre at best. And most of that falls on the fact that the titular character, Newton, is obnoxious. You have to be very careful when writing a WHACKY CHARACTER WHO DOES WHACKY STUFF 'CAUSE THEY'RE SO GOSH-DARN WHACKY - when done poorly, they're not funny, just irritating. Newton's entire purpose as a character is to mess things up for Ned and do failed comedy routines. I just wound up wondering why Ned would even want him around. Does the series finale have Ned feeding Newton to a flock of herons or something? Because I would like to see that episode.

But I will say this, the show's production values are good. The animation is solid, the voice actors (aside from Harland Williams, who's bogged down by a horrible script) do a fine job, and the theme song rocks (although I object to its claim that Newton is "where the fun is at". That is a big fat lie). If the most prominent character weren't so annoying, this could've been a very good show. If you'd like to watch it for yourself, it's streaming on Tubi and Pluto TV.

Fun fact - author and cartoonist Edward Gorey claimed in a 1998 interview that he thought this was "the greatest". Opinions are opinions, of course, but I still have to raise an eyebrow.