Let's Watch This: "Snowden's Christmas" (1999)

NOTE: Please do not take any of the little nitpicks in this review (or any of my other reviews, for that matter) seriously. I write these reviews in the hopes of making people laugh. Those nitpicks are really just dumb little observations that I'm attempting to make jokes out of, not complaints that add to whether or not I like something.

NOTE #2: No disrespect is meant towards anyone who worked on the special I am reviewing today. I'm sure they are all very nice and talented people.

NOTE #3: If you like this special, that is great. Go ahead and like it. I'm not judging you.

When you think of mascots for Target, you likely think of that dog with the red bullseye over one eye, don't you? Well, they actually had ANOTHER mascot at one point. Well, maybe "mascot" isn't the right word...

This is Snowden. There isn't a whole lot of information about him online, but apparently, he was created by Target in 1997 to help boost sales around the holiday season. It didn't really take off - I didn't even know who Snowden was until I read the Platypus Comix review of this very special.

Snowden's Christmas is actually the fifth of several TV specials comissioned by Target (before this, there were two animated ones and two live action ones). I suppose I should probably have looked at them in order, but nah, I'll do a review of this one and maybe check out the other two animated specials some other time. According to the Christmas Special Wiki, Snowden's Christmas was produced by Toronto-based Cuppa Coffee Studios, who also worked on Jojo's Circus and A Miser Brothers' Christmas. It aired on CBS in December 1999 and can currently be found on YouTube. Is it any good? Well, it's been on my "to review" list for quite some time, so let's give it a watch and find out!

The special starts off with the camera panning around somebody's bedroom. "Personally, I always thought Christmas was overrated," Ed Asner's voice tells us. "All that bunk about the Christmas spirit, Santa Claus, and miracles... the way I saw it, everybody spent yuletide complainin' about traffic, blowing their savings on presents, then returnin' it all the next day. I had it all figured out, 'til I met a little snowman named Snowden. And he changed everythin' I ever thought about Christmas."

Eventually, the camera settles on Snowden himself, upside-down in a fishbowl (which is fortunately empty). A young boy named Adam walks over and pulls him out.

Nitpick: why does this kid have a fishbowl when he doesn't seem to own a fish?

Adam's dad pops in to tuck him into bed with Snowden and spew out exposition about how they're moving tomorrow to New York. As soon as Adam falls asleep, Snowden (voiced by Peter MacNicol) and his other toys come to life. Y'know, sort of like in that recently-released very popular animated movie... what's it called again? Oh yeah, Hercules!

(Yes, I'm aware that Toy Story was not the first, or even the second, thing to center around toys coming to life. You don't have to send a million comments my way nagging me about this joke)

Say hello to Footloose the rabbit (Rosslyn Taylor Jordan), Tiny the elephant (Kathy Najimy), and Drummer the bear (Michael McKean). Tiny is a stressed-out worrywart... I'll try not to make too many Toy Story references, but she's certainly the Rex of the group. Drummer is basically an insult comic in a bear suit, so I guess that makes him the Mr. Potato Head equivalent (it even sounds like Michael McKean is trying to emulate Don Rickles!). And Footloose is... well, so far, she's demonstrated that she's sassy and not much else. So, I guess her Toy Story equivalent would be... Hamm?

I mean, they're both pink...

The next morning, Adam and his family get in their car and hit the road.

There actually are a couple of moving companies called Movers and Shakers out there, according
to Google. Whether or not they got the idea from this special, I don't know.

Snowden and his fellow toys are stuck in a box in the back of the moving van. Suddenly, the truck drives over a manhole cover and the back door opens up - apparently whoever was in charge of closing it did a lousy job - and out falls the box. Now they're stranded on the highway, surrounded by zooming cars and trucks - one of which has the Cuppa Coffee Studios logo on it, a nice little Easter Egg.

"This is worse than getting thrown in the washer!" Footloose moans. Fortunately, she, Tiny, and Drummer manage to get out of the street and onto the sidewalk. Snowden does, too... after being flattened by a car. I assume this is meant to be funny. It is not. Cute cartoon characters getting hurt rarely is.

Snowden is sure that Adam will find them, but Drummer, of course, disagrees. The next morning, they spot a Sidewalk Santa and assumes that he's the real St. Nick... or at least Snowden, Footloose and Tiny do. Drummer doesn't believe in Santa Claus. Shockingly, even the Sidewalk Santa has an attitude... when somebody puts a dollar in his pot, he complains, "A lousy BUCK? Merry Christmas, ya tightwad!" Jeez, were the writers in a bad mood when they whipped up this script?

"Hey, Drummer, seeing as I'm a pink rabbit, shouldn't I be the one with the drum?"

"Shaddup! You want Energizer's lawyers comin' after us?!"

But what's this? Snowden has the the label from the moving box stuck to him! "It's where Adam lives! We can go to New York ourselves!" he explains to the others. "How hard can it be?" According to the others, very hard. But then they see a car parking in front of a Burger King parody, and out of that car pours a few kids asking if they're in New York yet. Hooray for convenient coincidences!

Instead of just sneaking into the car, Snowden decides that they'll hitch a ride in a takeout bag, posing as the free toys in a kids' meal. "This is ridiculous. I'm a classic toy, not some cheap, promotional giveaway!" Drummer grumbles. Look on the bright side, Drummer - nowadays, the toys they gave out in kids' meals during the 1990s are essentially collectors' items.

"No, I'm not Olaf. Although I do like warm hugs..."

There's just one problem with Snowden's plan... when they walk into the bag, they are greeted by the toys already being given away with the kids' meals, the Ham Buddies. They're little pigs with Santa hats and - like all the characters in this special aside from Snowden - an attitude problem. I gotta say, it's very generous of this eatery to give out FOUR toys in their kids' meals. I always only got ONE toy when I ate at Wendy's or McDonald's.

"When we're through with you, you're gonna be crying 'Wee, wee, wee' all the way home!"

The pigs beat the crap out of Snowden and his chums, but eventually they push Footloose too far. "Merry Christmas, porkers!" she snaps before going all Kung Fu Panda on their fat pink behinds. Long story short, the pigs are thrown out of the bag, which is given to the family that's going to New York. Only downside is, the kids won't stop fighting and spend most of the car ride throwing the toys around, and the parents are in a mood too. When the family stops to use the bathroom, the mother takes Snowden, Tiny, Footloose, and Drummer and throws them in a garbage can. I know the kids are brats, but throwing their new toys out behind their backs? What the heck, lady?!

I hope she gets a lump of coal in her stocking.

The next morning, the toys run into a rat (Rick Zieff). For once, he's actually very nice and does his best to help them... nah, I'm just kidding. He's a wisecracking jerk.

"Yeah, I might be considered filthy vermin NOW, but someday I'm gonna run my own pizza
parlor! With arcade games! And creepy animatronics!"

The rat tells them that New York is a hundred miles away. The only way they can get to Adam's house by Christmas, Drummer snarks, is if somebody puts a mailing label on their butts and sends them special delivery. "Drummer, you're a genius!" Snowden declares. And believe it or not, the rat actually helps them hitch a ride on an approaching mail truck... for some of Snowden's stuffing, of course, he needs it for his nest. The mail truck takes them to Williamsport's Main Postal Center. Only problem is, since there's no postage on the box, instead of being loaded onto another mail truck and delivered to Adam's, the box is thrown onto a pile of other postageless mail.

Next, the toys run into the special's narrator, a dog named Big Daddy who they save from choking on a bone. And even though he thinks that the toys' owner has forgotten about them by now (he's wrong - Adam wrote a letter to Santa asking him to bring Snowden and the others back in a previous scene), he agrees to help them get back. I wonder if they were at all tempted to make this character the aforementioned Target dog (especially since he debuted the same year that this special came out), but decided against it. Notice how there isn't any product placement for Target in this special at all?

His head is shaped like a banana. It's very distracting.

With his help, they get onto a train heading for New York. When they arrive in New York, they realize that they have no idea how to navigate the city and find Adam's house. For one thing, how will they cross the river? Big Daddy suggests taking the Brookyln Bridge...

At least I THINK this is the Brooklyn Bridge, it could be the Manhattan Bridge for all I know...

Unfortunately, everyone except Snowden ends up falling off the bridge and hanging on for dear life. Dear lord, why is the world so obsessed with keeping the toys from getting back to Adam? Fortunately, Snowden manages to save them by using his stuffing as a makeshift bungee cord, which leaves the poor snowman pretty worse for wear. Fortunately, Santa Claus shows up and delivers the toys to Adam's doorstep - and gives them some fancy new duds as well!

And Adam's family even takes in Big Daddy! What a nice ending. If only the rest of the special weren't so bad...

What's the Verdict?

You might recall that, in my reviews of Holidaze: The Christmas That Almost Didn't Happen and Maxine's Christmas Carol, I said the reason why a lot of obscure Christmas specials from the 1990s and 2000s didn't become beloved classics that air every year is because they try too hard to be "edgy" and have an "attitude" to them. Usually, this just means the writers throw in a bunch of dated pop culture references and have characters be snarky. Snowden's Christmas, on the other hand, tries to be edgy in another, far worse way... by being needlessly mean-spirited. Seriously, most of the characters here, even the BACKGROUND CHARACTERS with only one or two lines each, are needlessly grouchy and aggressive. The only ones I wound up liking were Snowden himself (if they'd made HIM needlessly nasty, I doubt anyone at Target would've wanted to buy any Snowden dolls), Big Daddy, and Adam. It makes the entire special hard to watch.

Here's the best way I can put it... this feels like this is what a full version of the infamous "Black Friday" Toy Story would've been like. For those who don't understand the reference, I'll explain: during the production of Toy Story, Jeffrey Katzenberg - who hadn't left Disney yet - kept pushing the folks at PIXAR to make the film edgier and more cynical for some reason. The result was an early screening of the film where Woody and the other toys (aside from Buzz) were incredibly nasty and unlikable. In this version, Woody grabbed Buzz and threw him out the window, then he and the other toys started yelling at each other (he screamed at Slinky, "WHO GAVE YOU THE RIGHT TO THINK, SPRING-WIENER?! IF IT WEREN'T FOR ME, ANDY WOULDN'T PLAY WITH YOU AT ALL!"), culminating in the toys attacking Woody and throwing HIM out the window too. Everyone from John Lasseter to Roy E. Disney to even Jeffrey Katzenberg hated it, and PIXAR was given two weeks to rewrite the film and make the characters more likeable.

I will say in the special's defense that the animation is pretty good and the voice actors, particularly Peter MacNicol, are doing their best with the material they've been given. But I still wouldn't suggest watching Snowden's Christmas. Maybe the previous Snowden specials were better than this, I don't know.

By the way, the writers of this special also wrote Jingle Bell Rock. I appreciate that they resisted the urge to throw in any innuendos this time...

Let's Watch This: "Donner" (2001)

NOTE: Please do not take any of the little nitpicks in this review (or any of my other reviews, for that matter) seriously. I write these reviews in the hopes of making people laugh. Those nitpicks are really just dumb little observations that I'm attempting to make jokes out of, not complaints that add to whether or not I like something.

NOTE #2: No disrespect is meant towards anyone who worked on the special I am reviewing today. I'm sure they are all very nice and talented people.

NOTE #3: If you like this special, that is great. Go ahead and like it. I'm not judging you.

Well, it's that time of year again! I know the world seems to be under the impression that the holiday season starts in October, but as far as I'm concerned, the day after Thanksgiving is when Christmas begins. And that means it's time for me to dig up obscure Christmas specials and movies and do unfunny reviews of them!

What the heck is Donner? Usually, when a Christmas special focuses on a reindeer, they have an original name like Rusty, or Robbie, or what have you. For this special, the main character is a member of Santa's team. Why Donner specifically and not Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, or Blitzen? Considering that most descriptions of the special online describe it as being about a reindeer with an identity crisis, my guess is that somebody pointed out that while everyone knows what a Dasher (someone who dashes, natch), a Prancer (someone who prances) or a Comet (a rock flying through outer space) is, nobody quite knows what a Donner is. I suppose it could be somebody who DONS clothing?

The special aired on ABC Family on December 1st, 2001, a co-production between the network, animation studio Sunbow Entertainment, video game developer Rainbow Studios, and TV-Loonland AG. It was written by Kevin Munroe, who went on to direct the 2007 Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie. Donner is avaliable on DVD, but apparently only in Germany, and its biggest claim to fame now seems to be that Jimmy Kimmel is in it - and this was BEFORE his show debuted in 2003. You can currently find it on YouTube.

Is Donner any good? I don't know. Let's give it a watch and find out. This is Donner.

It's a beautiful day at the North Pole. Or at least it WOULD be beautiful if it weren't for how ugly the CGI animation is. As I've said before, since the technology is always evolving, CGI that looks impressive in the early 2000s (assuming it even looked impressive back then) isn't going to look impressive in the 2020s. In addition, these character designs clearly would've worked better in 2D.

It looks like his eyeballs are struggling to stay in his head. And talk about an overbite - at
what point do we start calling it a BILL?

In the reindeers' swanky mansion - wait, they get to live in a MANSION? I always thought they lived in a stable like horses...

Heck, Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer depicted Rudolph and his parents as living in
a cave. This is a huge upgrade!

Anyhow, the reindeer are hanging out and listening to the radio, until a voice interrupts the music playing and shouts, "OKAAAAAAAAAAY, YOU SORRY EXCUSES FOR REINDEER! OUT FRONT IN FIIIIIIIVE MINUUUUUUUUUTES!", which causes the reindeer to freak out. We have Dasher (voiced by Mark Hildreth), whose idea of being dashing is to have a blonde pompadour and a chin that Jay Leno would be jealous of...

And chest hair. Ew.

Comet (voiced by John Taylor), who seems to be an adrenaline junkie judging from the giant rocket thing strapped to his back...

I thought RUDOLPH was the red-nosed reindeer, not Comet.

Vixen (voiced by Nicole Oliver), a little something for the Furries in the audience...

She's probably the character with the most fan art online.

Prancer (also Nicole Oliver), who's a... hippie? I'm guessing there's a joke here, but I don't know what it is. Maybe it's just "hippies are funny"?

Maybe she's been PRANCING through fields of marijuana?

Rounding out the team are Dancer (also Mark Hildreth), who's dressed like John Travolta's character in Saturday Night Fever, and Cupid (Mark Acheson doing a Barry White impression), blissfully sniffing a flower.

Why don't any of the reindeer have ears?

They're apparently doing some training for the big flight on Christmas Eve, and their leader is Blitzen (also Mark Acheson), quite possibly the most top-heavy reindeer in existence. Seriously, he's roughly the size of a barge!

Yeah, the muscles are impressive, but every reindeer knows that it's the size of the ANTLERS
that really get the girls' attention! Those tiny twigs on the sides of your head aren't gonna get the job
done, Blitzen...

There's only one reindeer AWOL - Donner, voiced by Richard Ian Cox, who shows up looking like he just stepped out of the shower. All of the other reindeer laugh at him, even though he isn't any more ridiculous-looking than THEY are. If anything, he's LESS ridiculous-looking, which isn't really saying much.

I bet they don't even let him join in any reindeer games, those jerks.

Vixen brings up to Blitzen that Donner had a suggestion the other day. "Well, it's just that we've been training awfully hard already..." Donner says sheepishly. "Three hundred and sixty-three days, in fact... and, we've been pushing ourselves all year, heh... I, huh huh... I thought that... maybe... we could take the day off. Relax! Play some video games, eat junk food and sit in the jacuzzi!" And Blitzen thinks that it's a GREAT idea!

Just kidding. He's furious.

Seriously, has Blitzen been taking steroids?

"WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM, DONNER?! WHY AREN'T YOU LIKE THE OTHER REINDEER?! JUST WHAT IS YOUR MAJOR MALFUNCTION?!" Blitzen roars in Donner's face. Then he tells the other reindeer to run their "lumpy, out of shape" bodies (none of them appear to be out of shape. Just look at Vixen's figure!) around the training course until they "puke candy canes". TWICE.

So now Donner is wondering just what is "major malfunction" is. When the reindeer practice their flying, he discovers the answer: he can't fly. Just like Rusty. Maybe they should start a support group.

I know this came out first, but Donner looks a lot like Scrat from Ice Age.

Once word gets out around the North Pole that Donner can't fly, he's even MORE of an outcast. Not just the reindeer, the ELVES are mocking him too. After Donner gets picked on by these two...

Oh, goody, ANOTHER character for furries to drool over!

...he encounters two elves who come flying out of the workshop, covered in ash. One of them is Skeezer, voiced by Jimmy Kimmel. The other is Tubby, voiced by Scott McNeil, who as Donner points out is awfully big for an elf ("Vitamins. The kid can't get enough of 'em," Skeezer explains). They have a habit of making toys that EXPLODE, so they're on a "fact-gathering hiatus" from the workshop. Among their inventions are the open-heart surgery 3D puzzle and the juggling chainsaws playset.

This might be considered a hot take, but I have to say it: anyone who has ever attempted
to juggle chainsaws must be out of their mind.

According to Donner, they were previously demoted to the wrapping department - preparing pre-cut pieces of tape for the elves who do the ACTUAL wrapping. Presumably because, knowing these two, they'd probably find a way to screw the wrapping up too. But Skeezer has an idea - if they can get Donner to fly, maybe he can put in a good word for them to Santa. Donner isn't sure, and I don't blame him, but what other choice does he have?

Actually, he has a few more choices: finding the Winter Warlock and asking for that magic corn, getting a magic feather from a flock of crows, going to a George Lopez-voiced toucan for flying lessons...

"Oh, my goodness! What are Dasher and Vixen doing?!"

"They're... they're PICKING THEIR NOSES!"




(And you thought it was going to be something dirty, didn't you?)

After the three of them spy on the other reindeer, Skeezer says that he knows what the problem is. "I see INDIVIDUALS! I see PERSONALITIES! I see reindeer who know who they are and aren't afraid to show it to the world!" he claims. By contrast, Donner doesn't have a "hook" or a "pop" or any "pizazz". He doesn't know who he is, which means he's having an identity crisis, which leads to a crisis of confidence.

Well, whatever the reason Donner can't fly is, they'd better figure it out - Blitzen is planning to replace him with one of those reindeer who picked on him earlier. His name is Brock (also Scott McNeil).

Isn't it kind of funny how some of the reindeer have hair and others don't? Are Donner and Dancer
considered bald?

"If you wanna know who you are on the INSIDE, then you gotta change the way you look on the OUTSIDE," Skeezer tells Donner. "I call it psycho-external-acouchment-behavioral-modification. Pretty catchy, huh?" First, he dresses Donner up like... this:

I believe this is called the "Why You Should Never Let a Brooklyn-Accented Elf With a Unibrow Choose Your Outfit" Look. I have no idea WHAT this outfit is supposed to indicate about Donner's personality, and sure enough, it doesn't give him the ability of flight.

Nor does dressing him like a cowboy...

Your Woody impression needs work, Donner.

Or a professional ice skater...

I don't think I ever got the hang of ice-skating. That's not particularly interesting, but I couldn't
think of anything funnier to say here...

Or Neo from The Matrix. Get it? It's funny because The Matrix exists.

It wasn't even all that funny when Shrek made a Matrix joke. What made the writers think
it'd be funny when THEY did it?

Not helping Donner's mood at all is his discovery that the other reindeer are kicking him out of their swanky mansion and letting Brock move in. Now the poor guy has to sleep outside on boxes of his stuff, with snow falling on him. Jeez, even RUDOLPH wasn't treated this lousily.

By morning, Donner's ready to throw in the towel, but Skeezer has another idea: they're gonna make him a SUPERHERO!

Don't worry, Donner. You might feel silly now, but just wait until the Marvel Cinematic Universe
is a thing. SOMEBODY's gonna want to make a movie about you!

"Look, you like superheroes. You can identify with 'em. They're confident. They're popular. They FLY! It's so simple! It's pure GENIUS!" Skeezer insists. There's one flaw in your plan, Skeezer: superheroes fly because they have SUPERPOWERS. Unless you can find a magic glowing space rock or something that can give Donner the ability of flight (or laser beam eyes, which he can use to smite the other reindeer... hey, it would serve them right), this isn't gonna work.

As everyone gathers around to watch, Skeezer presses a button on Donner's belt that inflates his costume, giving him the appearance of having muscles. Then he takes out a remote control and presses a button on that, revealing that the roof of the building Donner is standing on is now SPRING-LOADED, sending him flying through the air.

No, no, Donner, it was a COW that jumped over the moon, not a REINDEER.

Unsurprisingly, Donner does not gain the ability to actually fly - he lands in the snow once again. "What am I doing? Is this what it takes to fly?! This isn't the real me!" he complains as he climbs out of the snow. "Am I supposed to be different just because I'm wearing a dumb cape?! Or this stupid mask?! Or this RIDICULOUS BELT?!" A ridiculous belt that, after he takes it off and throws it away, turns out to be full of dynamite. He realizes how stupid it is to take advice from elves who make such toys as chainsaw-juggling playsets and a remote-controlled nose.

By the way, love that picture of Skeezer and Tubby in swimwear. I really needed to see Skeezer in a speedo.

I've decided that nobody looks good in a speedo. Absolutely nobody. Just wear swim trunks, people.

For some reason, Donner dubs the remote-controlled nose one of the coolest toys he's ever seen in his life. And this, somehow, makes Donner realize that he shouldn't be ashamed to be himself. So what if he likes video games and comic books and eating pancakes for dinner? "I love walking backwards! I love to lick the sugar off my cereal! And I am PROUD - PROUD - to make funny noises with my armpits!" he tells everyone. "You see?! I LOVE being a kid!" The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie did this moral better, but eh, I'll give 'em credit for trying... and don't worry, Rusty. I too like eating pancakes for dinner.

And because Donner is now proud of who he is, he gains the ability of flight. And all it took was the discovery of a REMOTE-CONTROLLED NOSE of all things!

Technically, he's gliding, but it's basically the same thing.

Since Donner can fly now, he gets to pull Santa's sleigh with Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, and Blitzen. The end.

What's the Verdict?

Donner is one of those Christmas specials that tries so hard but, much like Donner's attempts at flying before he realizes who he is, just falls flat. The moral is nice and the voice acting is good. I'll also give them credit for not doing some cliched "we gotta save Christmas!" climax like most modern Christmas specials do. But aside from those things, it doesn't have much going for it. This is another example of them attempting cartoony squash-and-stretch with CGI, but much like with Weird-Ohs and Pet Alien, the budget just wasn't there and the technology was still too primitive in 2001 for them to really pull it off. The reindeer all look like the Honeycomb Monster with antlers, and the elves are just as repulsive. I also loathe every character in this with the exception of Donner himself. Aside from Skeezer and Tubby, they're all just needlessly mean to him, and I know this is going to sound like a weird complaint seeing as two of the most iconic Christmas specials - Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer and A Charlie Brown Christmas - also have practically everyone being jerks to the protagonist for a good chunk of it, but at least in the first one the characters apologized for it and in the second one they do something nice for Charlie Brown at the end even if they never apologized or even showed remorse for it. Here, we get neither.

Throw in some unfunny jokes (at least there's only one pop culture reference) and a tone that's desperately trying to be hip and cool and failing at it, and you have a TV special that's not worth your time. Ah well, hopefully the next Christmas special that I review will be better...

...seriously, though, a REMOTE-CONTROLLED NOSE? THAT's how everything is resolved? What do you even DO with a remote-controlled nose?

Let's Watch This: An Episode of "The California Raisin Show"

NOTE: Please do not take any of the little nitpicks in this review (or any of my other reviews, for that matter) seriously. I write these reviews in the hopes of making people laugh. Those nitpicks are really just dumb little observations that I'm attempting to make jokes out of, not complaints that add to whether or not I like something.

If you watched TV in the 1980s, there's a pretty good chance you know who the California Raisins are.

These cool, croonin' claymation characters debuted in 1986 and promptly became one of the most popular - if not THE most popular - advertising mascots to come out of the 1980s. Countless ads featuring the raisins were produced, they appeared in the Emmy Award-winning A Claymation Christmas Celebration (which I might look at some other time), four albums featuring songs by the raisins were produced, merchandise of them sold like hotcakes, they got their own VIDEO GAME, and their signature song, "I Heard It Through the Grapevine", recieved a spot on the Billboard Hot 100. Not bad for a bunch of animated raisins, huh?

Nowadays, the Raisins are still... reasonably well-known, but they haven't appeared in a commercial in decades. Their most recent appearance, advertisement-wise, was a 2014 Radio Shack commercial that aired during the Super Bowl. With animated product mascots in commercials slowly becoming a thing of the past, I wouldn't expect the California Raisins to return anytime soon. Although it is worth noting that in 2015, it was announced that they were making a live action/CGI movie starring the Raisins, but I have no idea if it's still in production.

The California Raisins might not have their own movie yet (no, the cameo in Foodfight! doesn't count), but they did have their own TV show. 1989 saw the premiere of The California Raisin Show.

This show was based on the TV special starring the raisins that aired the previous year, Meet the Raisins!. Unlike that special, however, the show was cel-animated as opposed to claymation. The characters' creator, Will Vinton, acted as creative director and executive producer. The show recieved just thirteen episodes, but it was lucky enough to get a DVD release in 2011.

Hey, wait a minute... I thought advertising mascots weren't allowed to have TV shows during this time period. That's why the Chester Cheetah cartoon that was being made for FOX Kids didn't get off the ground, isn't it? Maybe the difference is that raisins are a healthy food?

The show takes place in a world where anthropomorphic fruits and vegetables exist - predating Veggietales by four years. While the advertisements usually featured at least ten raisins, this show only had seven - Beebop (voiced by Cam Clarke), A.C. (Jim Cummings), Stretch (Dorian Harewood), Red (Brian Mitchell), and three females. Is the show any good? Well, I watched Meet the Raisins! and its sequel special, The Raisins: Sold Out! and thought they were pretty good, so I'd say there's a fifty-percent chance I'll like this too. So, let's watch the tenth episode of the show, "Hold That Jungle", and see if the Raisins can carry a cartoon series as well as they can carry a tune.

The episode starts off with the Raisins in concert, performing "Ain't No Mountain High Enough". As soon as they head backstage, their manager, Rudy Bagaman (Todd Tolces), barges in and tells them that they're going on a trip. He chartered a plane, it's waiting for them at the airport.

You might be thinking "Who the heck is Rudy?", which is understandable - I don't think he appeared in any of the ads. His debut was the aforementioned Meet the Raisins! special. I also have no idea what he's supposed to be. There is no such thing as a vegetable called a "bagaman". His name suggests that he's a rutabaga (and I'll be honest, it took me a while to get the pun), but he doesn't look much like one to me. Maybe a carrot?

Rudy Bagaman is also a bit of a crazy person... er, veggie.

The Raisins are all on board with this, despite the fact that Rudy just sprung this on them and isn't even letting them know where the plane is taking them. He does mention later that they're going back to California, but he doesn't say that in this scene. How do they know he's not taking them to, say, Antarctica?

The Raisins aren't thrilled to find out that the plane looks like this:

...that's the lumpiest plane I've ever seen. It looks like some sort of vegetable - a yam, maybe? - with wings and a propellor slapped onto it. In fact, maybe it IS a vegetable. But wait, this world takes place in a world where sentient vegetables exist. Is it just like Veggietales, where there are also non-sentient vegetables that the sentient vegetables eat without a problem? Or was that airplane (again, assuming that it IS a vegetable and not just a really lumpy plane) once a sentient vegetable that they hollowed out and converted into a plane? I really, really hope it's the first one. But even if it is, where did they even find a vegetable big enough for the anthropomorphic produce to fit inside? Then again, in the ads the California Raisins were pretty small, so maybe ALL of the anthropomorphic produce in this world are tiny as well? Am I thinking too hard about this?

The pilot skydives out of the plane halfway through the flight, torpedoing any confidence the Raisins have in them getting to their destination. Rudy tells them to remain calm, because he thinks flying a kite once makes him qualified to fly the plane himself. I hope the Raisins are considering getting a new manager by this point.

Raisins should not have mohawks.

Fortunately, Rudy manages to land the plane safely. Unfortunately, he lands it in the middle of a jungle. "This place looks WILD!" Beebop points out. And when you're in a jungle, you tend to encounter some pretty ferocious animals. Such as... a strawberry?

A strawberry with a schnozz that even Ferb would be jealous of?

Okay, hold on. In this world, fruits and vegetables are anthropomorphic, but berries are non-sentient animals? Huh? I mean, I get the joke, there's a type of strawberry called a "wild strawberry" and this is a literal wild strawberry, but it's kind of confusing... considering how much the writers of this show love puns, why not do some sort of cool produce/animal hybrids? Eh, but that's just me.

Rudy and the Raisins run, but the wild strawberry manages to corner them. "If that strawberry gets any closer, we'll really be in a jam!" Red says. See what I mean about the writers of this show loving puns? Fortunately, a Tarzan yell signals the arrival of a grape in a loincloth... did I seriously just type "a grape in a loincloth"?

Hey, wait a minute... if berries are the equivalent of animals in this sentient produce-populated world, why does the loincloth this grape is wearing look like a leopard skin? Are there regular animals in this world too?

George, George, George of the Jungle, strong as he can be...

The grape defeats the strawberry, then gets on the Raisins' case for being in the strawberries' preserve. Get it? Strawberries' preserve? Strawberry preserve? Puns!

Raisins should not have pompadours either.

The grape introduces himself as "Garzack of the Grapes". Alas, he can't help them get back to civilization because he's too busy taking care of the jungle. But then one of the female grapes, Shirelle (Rebecca Gilchrist), catches his eye...

That awkward moment when a raisin has nicer legs than you.

"Me get idea! Me show way to 'civilization'. When Shirelle see Garzack hero, she stay with me!" Garzack declares. Shirelle tells him not to bet on it. And this is where things get REALLY confusing...

See that green thing? That's a snake. It's for all intents and purposes a snake. I'm not even going to question why it has whiskers, does this qualify as proof that there ARE actual animals in this world? Or is that "snake" actually just some sort of vegetable? It can't be a berry, there aren't any berries that look like that.

And then what appears to be a turnip, that wild strawberry from before, and... I'm not even sure what that thing on the right is show up. So vegetables can also be the equivalent of animals in this world, even though there are also vegetables who act like people AND regular animals? None of this makes any sense!

Come to think of it, what do the anthropomorphic produce eat? Is there indeed non-sentient "normal" fruits and vegetables in this world? Wouldn't eating them still be considered cannibalism? Or do they all just live off of bread and candy or something? Or are bread and candy sentient in this world too? Augh, my head hurts...

Seriously, what IS that thing on the right?

And then the Raisins start singing about how they have nowhere to run... while running. Isn't that like singing about how you're not hungry while scarfing down a roast turkey? The female raisins come across a giant eggplant... wait a minute, now EGGPLANT are non-sentient animals in this world too? We saw at least TWO anthropomorphic eggplants in the audience at the Raisins' concert at the beginning of this episode. This is some sort of weird Goofy/Pluto-level Furry Confusion.

I can't think of a funny comment to make here, so instead, here's a joke: why didn't the baker
put any dried fruit in his cake? Because he didn't see any raisin to do so. See, I can make produce puns
too.

A.C. encounters a bird-like pepper... so now fruit can ALSO be non-sentient animals, even though the MAIN CHARACTERS OF THE SHOW are anthropomorphic fruit clearly meant to... y'know what, I'm not even going to question the logic of this world anymore.

Nice eyebrows that pepper has, huh?

Oh, and apparently that snake from before is actually some sort of snake/asparagus hybrid thing. I'm still not going to question the logic of this world. You can't make me.

The Raisins, Garzack and Rudy come across a golden statue sitting on a cliff. One of the girl raisins (I honestly can't tell them apart) thinks the statue would be a great birthday present for their mother, so she has Garzack grab it. Only problem is, the statue belongs to a tribe of kiwi natives wielding toilet plungers.

I'm going to repeat that - kiwi natives wielding toilet plungers. And by "kiwi", I mean the fruit, not the bird.

And yet, this STILL isn't as weird as Ned's Newt...

The kiwi natives are none too pleased by Shirelle's stealing their artifact, and we get another chase sequence. Eventually Stretch just grabs the statue and tosses it to the natives, which makes them leave. So, conflict resolved, right? Yes, but now they've got something ELSE to worry about - they're standing on a rickety rope bridge that's about to come apart. Then Stretch notices a branch overhead that they can grab onto, so they do that... except for Garzack, who falls onto a small cliff below.

And he didn't grab onto the branch as well becaaaaaaaaaaause?

After getting to solid ground, the Raisins wonder how they can save Garzack. Except for Stretch. He lowers a vine down to Garzack, then lassos the other end around a "Musk Melon" to pull him up. I notice that Stretch seems to be the one who always has the solution to the Raisins' problems. And that is why he is the best character in this episode.

Oh, so NOW we're getting the produce/animal hybrids. I wonder what zoology books in this
world are like.

Shirelle mocks Garzack for being a wimp who needs to be rescued by Stretch. Wow, Shirelle's a tool. Fortunately, Garzack doesn't know what a wimp is, so Red tells him that "wimp" = "coolest person ever".

Garzack's chin is freaking me out.

The next problem for the Raisins rears its ugly head as a volcano in the distance is heard rumbling. Garzack claims that the volcano is at the edge of the jungle, so maybe if they head there, they'll find civilization. Since Rudy had his phone stolen earlier by a wild turnip earlier in the episode, he tries to signal somebody using the bongoes. Alas, his drumming apparently means "Kiwi King is big fat noodlehead", and those kiwi natives just so happen to be nearby. Uh oh...

"We've always preferred the Noid over you guys anyway!"

The good guys run, and one of the girl raisins yells at Garzack for being a lousy jungle guide, even though this situation is in no way his fault. Fortunately, Garzack knows a shorcut through a cave, and he knows the kiwis won't follow them because the shortcut leads to a part of the jungle with lots of quicksand. Rudy and the Raisins start to sink into the quicksand, but fortunately, Stretch spots an "UP" button on a nearby rock and presses it, launching him out the quicksand and into a bush. Garzack's attempt at saving Shirelle lands them both in the quicksand but washes the other two girl raisins ashore. Once again, it's up to Stretch to save the day.

Show of hands, who else wants Stretch to be the main protagonist?

The other two girl raisins save Shirelle and Garzack, and the group continues on their way. Next they come across a river, which they can ride a boat down to the volcano.

Can't think of a funny comment to make here, so have another joke about produce: which vegetable
shouldn't you take on a boat? A leek. Ba dum kssssh. Please laugh. I'm trying so hard...

Unfortunately, Garzack forgot to mention the rapids. Or the waterfall that the river, being a river in a cartoon, leads to. Eventually, the boat takes them into an ancient temple. "It took an advanced civilization to build this pad," Stretch points out. And wouldn't you know it? The temple is actually inside the volcano, which is - of course - about to erupt. Rudy's reaction is to make this face:

"DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUH..."

Then the kiwi natives show up. They're working on a potion to appease the "mountain spirit", and when they feed it to a stone head, it causes the rumbling of the volcano to stop... for a few seconds. Some potion.

The Raisins tells the kiwis that they have to work together. "We have to take a mega-dose of your potion right to the source!" A.C. explains. And by "the source", he means the crater at the top of the volcano. Garzack grabs the pot with the potion in it, and they all ride the escalator... yes, there's an escalator, just go with it...

"When do we get to the ride?"

"This IS the ride! YIPPEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

The escalator takes them to a bus stop, where they get on a bus... again, just go with it... that takes them to a place where they all get on bicycles... and then they ride a chairlift... and then they hail a taxi that takes them to the top of the volcano... oh, and did I mention that the whole time they're singing "Ain't No Mountain High Enough"? I guess it makes sense, a volcano does qualify as a mountain, doesn't it?

Garzack dumps the potion into the crater, the volcano burps, and the day is saved. And we get a twist ending - the uncharted jungle is part of the Hollywood Hills! They were in California all along!

What a twist!

The Raisins make it to their mother (Lulu Arborman)'s house in time for her birthday, they give her the statue, and Shirelle now has the hots for Garzack. Also, Rudy calls up somebody in Hollywood with a great idea for a movie. I hear Brendan Frasier is in talks to play Garzack.

What's the Verdict?

Y'know, I actually kind of liked this. I think I liked Meet the Raisins! and The Raisins: Sold Out! better, because those had more clever writing. And all that stuff about the wild animal equivalent produce existing alongside human equivalent produce really confused me. But the animation is pretty good, the voice actors all do a good job, Stretch is awesome, and there's just an inherent charm to those raisins that keeps me from brushing the show off as a lazy commercial for dried grapes. You can find every episode of The California Raisin Show on YouTube, so even if you haven't seen any of the ads, I'd recommend checking it out.

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