Let's Watch This: "Everyone's Hero" (2006)

I've admittedly never been a huge baseball fan. My father and sister, on the other hand? They LOVE the Yankees. Just love 'em. Often we've all been down to Yankee Stadium to see a game, which I've always found a lot of fun. We've even met Johnny Damon!

And yet, to my knowledge, my father and sister have never seen Everyone's Hero. Considering that it wasn't able to make back its apparently forty million dollar budget, they aren't the only ones.

Anyhow, let's talk about Everyone's Hero. This is a movie about Babe Ruth... or rather, a kid who worships Babe Ruth and embarks on a journey to return his lucky baseball bat. Actually, here's all you need to know about the movie: the baseball bat is alive and voiced by Whoopi Goldberg. And there's also a baseball that's alive, too, and it's voiced by Rob Reiner. It's also got Robin Williams, Richard Kind, Raven-Symone, William H. Macy, Jake T. Austin, Mandy Patinkin... and it's directed by Christopher "Superman" Reeve.

Now I know good casts do not automatically equal good movies. They can be the only redeeming thing ABOUT a movie (for example, Dehli Safari's only redeeming factors being the performances of Tara Strong, Tom Kenny, Brad Garrett and Troy Baker), but just because you've got talented folks like Richard Kind and Robin Williams does not mean that your movie is going to be a success. Case in point, this film was a box office bomb (maybe the talking baseball bat voiced by Whoopi Goldberg scared people away) and mixed reviews. But hey, maybe the movie is actually very good! Or maybe it isn't. Let's find out...

The film begins with - what else - a game of baseball... except from the baseball's point of view. After that, we cut to a bunch of kids having a baseball game of their own, one of them being our main character. His name is Yankee Irving (voiced by Jake T. Austin), and he apparently isn't all that popular with the other kids because, like most protagonists of baseball-focused films, he's not very good at baseball.

You might recall that Jake T. Austin was also the voice of Fernando from Rio.

After two strikes, Yankee starts fantasising about actually batting for the New York Yankees. He winds up striking out again and the other kids ditch him. Then he finds a baseball under an old broken down car. "Guess nobody wants YOU in the game, either," he tells it.

Suddenly, we cut to a newsreel telling us about the Yankees' "splendiferous" winning streak, thanks to Babe Ruth and his lucky bat. Which is rather fortunate, considering that they're in the World Series, playing against the Chicago Cubs. I checked, and yes, this is accurate - the Yankees did indeed play the Cubs during the 1932 World Series. I don't know why I looked that up. I guess it's because I wasn't willing to take the movie's word for it, despite the fact that it was clearly written by people who know much more about baseball than me. Maybe it's because I figured "Well, hey, it's got a talking baseball bat in it, they might've taken more creative liberties."

I feel like I should know who that guy next to Babe Ruth is supposed to be.
Anybody know who it is?

This makes the owner of the Chicago Cubs, Napoleon Cross (voiced by Robin Williams), very very angry. He complains as he watches the newsreel about how popular Babe Ruth is. His image is on everything, even underpants!

Babe Ruth underpants: for the guy who's just a biiiiiiiiit too obsessed with Babe Ruth
in your life!

Napoleon hates Babe Ruth because he wants a World Series trophy, which Babe Ruth just so happens to have. Also in the room is a pitcher for the Cubs, Lefty Maginnis (voiced by William H. Macy). His schtick is that he cheats. So he's basically the Dick Dastardly of baseball.

Then Napoleon figures out that Babe Ruth has a lucky charm - his bat. So all they've gotta do to win the World Series is take away his bat. "Babe without bat... is NOTHING! Without that bat, he's just big and fat!" he exclaims. I dunno if this guy has any room to talk about somebody being "big and fat". Well, maybe he's not big (he's actually pretty short), but he is indeed fat. Then again, that's probably supposed to be the joke. Anyhow, he orders Lefty to steal the bat.

You know, it's actually kind of jarring having Robin Williams voice a villainous character. I think this is the only time he ever did that. Usually, he voiced friendly, heroic characters like the Genie from Aladdin, Fender from Robots, Batty from FernGully: The Last Rainforest, and Ramone and Lovelace from the Happy Feet movies. I just find it hard to wrap my head around a villain having his voice.

Okay, back to the movie. Yankee returns home to sulk about how much he sucks at baseball, but then he discovers that the baseball he found is alive! He's terrified, because who wouldn't crap their pants at a baseball suddenly coming to life and speaking in the voice of Rob Reiner?

Say hello to the film's wacky comic relief character.

We get some WHACKY SHENANIGANS of Yankee chasing the baseball around his room. He shows his mom (Christopher Reeve's wife Dana), but apparently she can't hear the baseball talk. She jokes that she can hear the meatloaf she's cooking talking, to which the baseball says, "Talking meatloaf?! Food can't talk! Except beans, they can make themselves heard!" Ha ha ha, fart joke.

So, in addition to the whole "sucks at baseball" thing, Yankee is bummed about something else - his dad has to work extra hours. His mother lets him deliver his dinner to him, so he puts the talking baseball in his underwear drawer and heads out. Oh, and do you know just WHERE, exactly, his dad (Mandy Patinkin) works? Hint: it's somewhere in New York.

No, not there.

Not there either.

That's not even in New York.

Alas, no. There aren't any Muppets in this movie (although Mandy Patinkin did appear in an episode of Sesame Street and was also in that Elmo in Grouchland film).

That's right, Yankee Stadium! Ze odds, vhat are zhey?

So, we have a sweet scene with Yankee and his dad having dinner together. Yankee tells his dad that he found a talking baseball who he calls "Screwy", then admits that he thinks he sucks at baseball. His dad gives him a pep talk, then shows him the team's locker room. We get a... pop song? At least, I think it's a pop song? Anyway, a song starts playing as Yankee sees Babe Ruth's beloved bat, Darlin'. Then it's time to head home, but Yankee's having such a good time that his dad offers to let him stay in the locker room while he puts his things away, then they'll meet at the gate. Once his dad leaves, a security guard shows up and tells Yankee to scram. But it's not really a security guard, it's actually Lefty Maginnis! Dun-dun-dun!

Cut to the next morning. We get a spit joke (eugh), immediately followed by a fart joke (eugh again). Yankee asks Screwy to give him some pointers, but Screwy refuses because he hates baseball. Despite, y'know, BEING a baseball. By the way, are we ever gonna get an explanation as to why the baseball talks? We're not supposed to assume Yankee's just imagining it, right?

"Baseball's only gonna break yer heart," Screwy insists. "Did you know I made it to the majors? I remember it like it was yesterday. The sun was shining... forty-thousand fans screamin' as I'm tossed to the mound... It was like a dream come true. All I ever wanted was to be a home run ball. And on the very first pitch... CRACK! I'm on my way! Going, going... foul! That's right, kid. Foul ball. Right out of the park. Dreams and everything... vanished. And did anyone ever come look for me? No. They left me out there to rot."

"So, what did you do during quarantine?"
"I watched a movie where a talking baseball tells a kid his tragic backstory."

Meanwhile, Yankee's parents have received a visit from a Mr. Robinson (Robert Wagner) and policeman Officer Bryant (Ritchie Allen). They say that someone broke into the Yankees' locker room and stole Babe Ruth's bat. When Yankee tells them about the security guard who as we know is in fact Lefty Maginnis, they become convinced that Yankee stole it despite his parents' objections. Screwy, meanwhile, complains about Yankee forcing him to eat meatloaf. How does a baseball eat? I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out why it can TALK.

"What am I gonna tell Babe? We need to pack all the gear for Chicago TODAY!" Mr. Robinson says. Then he decides to fire Yankee's dad, and predictably do not listen to Yankee's claims about this mysterious security guard. Because if they did, the movie would've likely been over quite quickly.

Is it just me, or does this guy kind of look like Ben Stein?

Oh, and Yankee's dad thinks that Yankee took the bat now, too. Yeah, just brush off your son's claims that a security guard took it. He says that there was no security guard on duty, shouldn't this imply that the mysterious security guard might just be the thief? You know, that he snuck in to take the bat? Just sayin'.

Then Yankee figures it out - that security guard from last night looked exactly like pitcher for the Cubs Lefty Maginnis, who he just so happens to have a baseball card of! "Lefty stole the bat so Babe can't hit!" he exclaims. He's about to tell his dad, but Screwy reminds him that he doesn't have any proof, so the chances of anyone believing him are quite slim. So he decides to sneak out of the house, go to the train station where the Cubs will be, and search for Lefty. This results in some more WHACKY SHENANIGANS as Yankee and Lefty sneak out through the window.

Once at the train station, Yankee manages to spot Lefty just as he's getting on the train. They manage to sneak aboard, grab the suspicious case that Lefty has with him, and run off with it. So, movie over, right?

Did you know that more than eight hundred languages are spoken in New York
City? I know that's not particularly interesting, but I couldn't think of anything
else to say here...

Wrong. The train's already left the station, and Lefty's after Yankee. He and Screwy manage to jump the train and onto another one, but so does Lefty, who climbs onto the roof. After some more WHACKY SHENANIGANS, he manages to get inside the train and corner Yankee. But fortunately, Yankee and Screwy manage to jump onto a THIRD train, and when Lefty follows he winds up getting clobbered by a sign.

Once the train arrives at the station, the conductor tells Yankee that if he wants to get back to New York he'll need to get a ticket on a train back. Alas, the ticket booth is closed for the night. But they have the bat, so at least there's that.

"Now I can break the kneecaps of all those other kids who said mean things about me!"

The bat, as it turns out, is sentient as well. As I've said before, she's voiced by Whoopi Goldberg. Whoopi Goldberg, everyone - the only woman who can claim to have played a baseball bat, a hyena, a book, a magic mirror, a rabbit, a cow, a goat, a god, and a police officer whose partner is Earl Sinclair from Dinosaurs. Quite the resume she's made for herself, huh?

"Do you know who I am?" she asks Screwy. "I'm Darlin', honey. I'm the Babe's bat. Born of a thousand year-old tree, on the side of Mount Olympus, struck by lightning, and carved by monks using the horn of a unicorn..." Screwy, of course, doesn't believe her story. I'm a bit skeptical myself, but hey, if there are talking baseballs and baseball bats in this world I suppose unicorns and baseball bat-carving monks aren't exactly out of the question.

So, did Babe Ruth know that his bat could talk, too? If not, I'd say that he's in for a
surprise...

Screwy and Darlin' start arguing, then Yankee gives the bat some exposition - if he returns to New York and gives his dad the bat, he'll get his job back. But Darlin' insists that they take her to Chicago 'cause that's where Babe Ruth is. And she just so happens to know that Babe Ruth is a generous man who would likely be happy to get Yankee's dad his job back, maybe even with a big raise, hintiddy-hint-hint-hint. Meanwhile, Yankee's parents are worried sick about their son, and Lefty is still on the hunt for Yankee. Eventually, he makes it to the very same train station where Yankee currently is, where he decides to call his boss. And this, apparently, is what Napoleon does in his spare time:

Meh. It's no "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAW, NO! AAAAAAAAW, NO! COUNTRY
BEAR HALL HAS BEEN CRUSHED!".

Lefty lies to his boss and tells him that he's got the bat, then proceeds to laugh over how they blamed Yankee and his dad for the theft. Just in case you didn't get by now that this guy was a donkey's rear end.

You know what I just realized? William H. Macy and Whoopi Goldberg were both in Doogal. And that film was released the same year. That's interesting, isn't it? At least, kind of?

"Mr. Leno, I'm just calling to tell you that you've really let yourself go..."

But then Lefty spots his box under his feet... and then discovers that the bat isn't in it. Then he spots Yankee running off with the bat in his backpack, and it's chase scene time! Fortunately, Yankee manages to get away, and Lefty runs afoul of Mr. Train.

Later, after arguing with Darlin' some more, Screwy gets stolen by a dog and takes him to an abandoned building where there are some hobos. Darlin' assumes that they're pirates. And since they're in Pittsburgh, that makes them PITTSBURG Pirates.

The hobos (voiced by Richard Kind, Ed Helms, and Ron Tippe) give Yankee some beans for dinner, and then they manage to rig up their makeshift radio so they can listen to a baseball game. Because everyone in this movie is obsessed with baseball. Yankee is bummed that Babe isn't doing so good without his bat, but the hobos give him a pep talk.

The difference between bums and hobos is that hobos are willing to work. Bums are
not. Everybody got that?

After that, Yankee decides to head off to Chicago. "Babe's their hero," he says. "He's EVERYONE'S hero!"

By morning, Yankee has become tired and incredibly hungry. Fortunately, there's an apple tree that he can snag breakfast from. Careful, Yankee, with your luck the apple tree's gonna be sentient too and he'll channel the trees from The Wizard of Oz. Then these two jerk kids show up and swipe Screwy.

Does that kid on the left have a five o'clock shadow, or is it just the lighting?

Thankfully, a girl named Marti (Raven Symone) shows up to defend Yankee. This results in a few minutes of the four kids throwing apples at each other, then the bullies bug off... and then run into Lefty and throw an apple at him.

Marti takes Yankee back to her house, where she reveals that her father is none other than Lonnie Brewster, pitcher for the Cincinnati Tigers. Thus, he can help Yankee with his quest - he's in Toledo at the moment, and his team is heading to Chicago tomorrow. But then Lefty shows up at the door claiming to be Yankee's dad. Yankee, I have a few words that might be helpful for you. The first is "restraining" and the second is "order".

STRANGER DANGER! STRANGER DANGER!

Fortunately, Yankee manages to escape as Marti's mom (Cherise Boothe) acts awesome and gives Lefty the business, but alas he manages to escape and chase after Yankee... but not before getting into more slapstick. I've noticed that Lefty is the character in the movie who's on the receiving end of the most slapstick. Must be because he's a villain and ergo we don't feel any sympathy for him.

Eventually, Darlin' manages to knock Lefty out. We get a montage of Yankee traveling and his parents searching for him as a depressing song plays. As it starts to rain, Screwy and Darlin' start arguing again. Yankee agrees with me and tells them to knock it off. Yankee's feeling really bummed, which mainly stems from the fact that, as Screwy points out, he's a ten-year-old boy in the middle of nowhere sitting under a bridge during a rainstorm with a bat who treats him like a pack mule. "Ever thank him for saving you from Lefty? Or carting you all the way back to Chicago?!" he asks Darlin', prompting her to realize that, hey, she didn't do either of those things. So she does that, and gives him a pep talk... and then we cut back to Napoleon. You know what's depressing? This film features a character voiced by Robin Williams who isn't funny.

Lefty calls up Napoleon and argues with him for a few minutes. He also gets struck by lightning. Again, Lefty's a jerk, so I'm okay with that. Yankee's parents arrive at Marti's house, so they're a step closer to finding Yankee. I'm okay with that too (obviously).

We're fifty-six minutes in, for those of you wondering.

Yankee makes it to where the Cincinnati Tigers are and meets up with Lonnie Brewster (Forrest Whitaker), who lets him hitch a ride with them. Aboard the... I think it's a bus, they all play a rousing game of something called "shadowball", which apparently is baseball for mimes. Even Screwy is having fun.

Soon nightfall arrives, and the team makes it to Chicago.

I've never been to Chicago, so I couldn't think of a Chicago-related joke to make here.
So instead, read this article.

Yankee is dropped off at a hotel where the Yankees always stay when they're playing the Cubs, and he finally manages to meet Babe Ruth (Brian Dennehy). Little does he know, however, that Lefty is there, too, and he manages to swipe Darlin' from behind his back. Fortunately, Screwy manages to save her... briefly. Then he swipes her again and manages to drive off with her. And when Yankee attempts to save her, he's grabbed and restrained by Napoleon. We also get a Superman reference, which I guess is obligatory since this was directed by Christopher Reeve.

Pictured: the face of a man who is clearly becoming more and more unhinged.

So now it's the last game of the World Series, and Babe Ruth still doesn't have his bat. Yankee now thinks that Babe doesn't need the bat - who, by the way, calls Napoleon an "angry little troll". I find that very funny - but he's not doing so good. And that makes Napoleon a very happy little troll.

This is making me uncomfortable...

As if Napoleon weren't being enough of a jerk, he then says that he shall feed Darlin' to beavers and tells Yankee that his parents have probably given up looking for him. Once as he leaves the room, Yankee bemoans the fact that he failed, but Screwy gives him a pep talk. "You know, when I landed in that sandlot, I thought, 'That's it. There's nothing left to do but rot.' But then YOU came along. And then, there was all this jumpin' on trains and the thing will the apples and playing ball with the Tigers. You made a believer out of me," he says. This inspires Yankee not to give up.

First, they use Screwie to break the window so they can escape. Then Yankee channels Tarzan and swings on a banner and lands in the middle of the stadium, where he's pursued by security. But, eventually, he manages to get Darlin' to Babe. Then Babe suggests letting Yankee bat for them. We get that cliched "everyone the character met before is hearing this on the radio" scene just as Yankee's parents arrive. Side note, Joe Torre voices the Yankees' manager.

Come on, Yankee! You can do it! Stick it to that fat little troll!

Yankee is understandably quite nervous, and manages to get two strikes. But seeing his parents in the stadium gives him the confidence to hit the ball on the third try and hit a home run. Everyone's happy... except Napoleon, of course. The Yankees win the World Series, Napoleon and Lefty are arrested, and Yankee is a hero. Thus ends what is one of the most expensive middle fingers to the Chicago Cubs ever made.

WHAT'S THE VERDICT?

It was... okay. Certainly not the worst animated movie I've ever seen (and not nearly as dumb as you'd expect a movie that has a talking baseball bat voiced by Whoopi Goldberg to be), but there isn't much to make this movie more than just a pleasant experience. The animation is just okay. The jokes are just okay. The characters are just okay, with the exception of Napoleon who I found really obnoxious (not one of Robin Williams' better animated characters). If you're a fan of the Yankees, or even baseball in general, I'd suggest watching it at least once. If you're a fan of the Cubs... or the Red Sox, I suppose... avoid it at all costs. If you don't give a crap about baseball and just want to watch an animated film, I suppose it wouldn't hurt to watch it, but there are much better animated films that you could check out. Of course, there are also much WORSE animated films out there, too - such as the NEXT movie that I'll be reviewing... but I don't want to give that away just yet...

Further Reading:

- Animated Antic's review of the film

Let's Watch This: An Episode of "Sanjay and Craig"

Nickelodeon was in an odd place when Sanjay and Craig premiered. Kids were still watching it, but people online hated it and felt that it was going through a Dork Age. This might stem from the fact that in 2013, the very same year that Sanjay and Craig premiered, The Mysterious Mr. Enter started doing his Animated Atrocity reviews, and the internet quickly made him the Reviewing Messiah. A year later, in 2014, Mr. Enter's popularity was at an all-time high, and he did a series of reviews talking about how much he hates 2010s Nickelodeon. The first of those reviews was an episode of Sanjay and Craig, so everyone assumed that the show was bad simply because Mr. Enter said so. Because that's how the cartoon community on the internet thought during this time. Remember when Mr. Enter gave out the link to Casey Alexander's Twitter page and sicced his fans on the guy*? That was from 2014 too.

However, a few of Mr. Enter's detractors insisted that Sanjay and Craig wasn't as bad as he was making it out to be. They claimed that it was actually a pretty good show, Mr. Enter just reviewed one of the weaker episodes. That's why I decided to do a review of it. To see who was right - Mr. Enter's fans or Mr. Enter's detractors.

But enough about Mr. Enter, let's talk about Sanjay and Craig itself. The show focuses on the wacky adventures of a kid named Sanjay (voiced by Maulik Pancholy, aka Baljeet from Phineas and Ferb) and his talking snake Craig (voiced by Chris Hardwick). It premiered on Nickelodeon in 2013 and managed to get three seasons, so clearly SOMEBODY was watching it. As for me, I watched one or two episodes of the show before but couldn't really get into it. Let's watch one episode... well, actually, each episode consists of two segments a la other Nicktoons, so maybe it should actually be considered TWO episodes... and see if it really is as bad as Mr. Enter and his fans make it out to be or if it's yet another cartoon that gets too much unfair hate.

First up, the episode "Hot Sauce Boss".

The episode begins at a place called the "Frycade", which I'm guessing is Sanjay and Craig's favorite hangout. The guy that owns the place, Penny Pepper (John DiMaggio), delivers a plate of hot wings to his most loyal customer, Chuck (Nolan North).

You'll notice, of course, that Penny has not one hook for a hand, but TWO hooks for hands. How the heck did THAT happen?! And on a less important note, why does he have a girl's name?

It must suck to be this guy when he gets itchy...

Chuck nervously says that he's going to eat them in the bathroom, resulting in a toilet joke. Sanjay is inspired to eat HIS wings in the bathroom, too. For some reason.

Craig apparently thinks that wearing a shirt and hat will automatically make people think
he's a human. How does he plan on explaining the green and scaly skin? And the lack
of arms and legs? And the forked tongue? There are some flaws in your plan, Craig...

You ever notice that 2010s cartoons have a bit of an obsession with hot wings? I remember the characters on Regular Show loved 'em, too. Are hot wings just the top food for hipsters or something? Don't get me wrong, I love chicken wings too (including hot wings), it just strikes me as a tad odd.

In the bathroom, Sanjay finds Chuck removing the wings' sauce so that he can put on some of his homemade sauce. He starts screaming, which attracts the attention of Craig and their friends Hector (Matt Jones) and Penny's daughter, Belle (Nika Futterman). Then Penny comes in, too. "He's... been... using... his... own... SAUCE!" Sanjay sobs, and then Penny runs off crying.

Are you just as confused as I am?

Anyhow, Penny reminds Chuck of the Frycade Frycode - A MAN NEVER PUTS HIS SAUCE ON ANOTHER MAN'S WINGS. He's so outraged that he bans Chuck from the Frycade. Craig agrees with me and asks what the big deal is, but then Penny gets ticked-off at him and Sanjay for "taking Chuck's side". As a result, he bans THEM too. Methinks Penny is a bit crazy.

The three run out crying over Penny's banning them for a ridiculously petty reason. "After all of Sanjay's money I spent on his stingy ways?!" Craig says angrily, right before noticing the bottle of Chuck's sauce in his pocket.

Most snakes have venom. Craig has the ability to shoot red dotted lines out
of his eyeballs.

He sticks his tongue in the bottle and tastes the sauce, resulting in this...

Okay, I will admit that's kind of funny.

"This stuff's really good!" the snake says before telling Sanjay to have some. Sanjay, after tasting the sauce, agrees and tells Chuck that perhaps they can make their OWN wings with it. Then they wouldn't even NEED the Frycade, and they could become the top hot wing-sellers in town and teach Mr. Hookhands a lesson!

Soon they're able to get a food truck.

Who did they buy it from, the Great Gonzo?

And they also dress like this.

"LET'S GET THIS PARTY STARTED!" Craig shouts. Then Sanjay says, "Yo, I just farted!" Ha ha ha, fart joke. Then the chicken on the roof of the truck's head comes off and starts shooting out hot wings. "THIS IS THE STUPIDEST THING I'VE EVER SEEN!" Belle shouts, echoing my thoughts. Regardless, a bunch of people run out of the Frycade and start helping themselves to some of the raining hot wings.

You ever notice how most of the characters on this show look like characters from Bob's Burgers?

"Yeah, come and eat some of the giant chicken's innards, which are currently
shooting out of its neck!"

"He's stealing all your customers! We've gotta do something!" Belle tells her father. Thus, they send Hector out in a cardboard box to order some wings. Don't know how that's going to help stop them from stealing Penny's customers, but whatever. Alas, Sanjay and Craig recognize him and get him to take off the box. After Hector runs off with the wings, Sanjay proclaims that he's "working with the enemy".

Belle tells Hector to taste the wings so they can find out Chuck's secret. Hector does, and deduces that the wings taste "tangy". This makes Penny mad - "HE KNOWS HOW MUCH I HATE TANGY!" he shouts in Hector's face.

Flashback time. We see a younger Penny and Chuck making barbeque sauce, and Chuck encourages Penny to make it extra-tangy because "everybody loves tangy". Instead, making the sauce extra-tangy causes it to explode. Apparently tanginess is explosive.

What is this, Apocalypse Now?

"It's payback time!" Penny snarls, and he heads out with a megaphone to tell all of Sanjay, Craig, and Chuck's customers that the Frycade has just added a petting zoo. The animals all have wings tied to them. Geddit? They all have wings because the Frycade sells wings?

Isn't it redundant putting the wings on a pigeon, what with it already having wings?

This doesn't work, so Belle comes up with another idea - having Hector fly over the food truck on a zipline with a can of "fish flakes", which he dumps all over the wings, resulting in them tasting "fishy". "DUDE! YOUR WINGS ARE AWFUL! YOU SHOULD FEEL AWFUL!" somebody shouts. Futurama did that joke better, but eh, I'll admit it's still kind of funny.

Ringo Starr does not approve of Sanjay, Craig, and Chuck's wings tasting like fish.

The customers all go back to the Frycade, which makes Sanjay, Craig and Chuck MAD! They shall get their revenge on Penny... or at least Sanay and Craig will.

That night, the two sneak into the Frycade so that they can sabotage Penny's secret spicy sauce. While they're in there, they notice a drawing that Penny did of his "secret plans" - to rename the Frycade to "Chuck and Penny's" - before he banned Chuck. This gives them an idea.

The next day, the wing truck is gone, and Chuck demands to know what Penny did with it. Penny replies by demanding to know why Chuck broke into the Frycade. Then Sanjay and Craig show up in the truck... which they have attached to the zipline. For some reason. "WE KNOW ABOUT YOUR PLAN, PENNY!" they call down to them. The truck winds up falling through the roof, and then Chuck and Penny run into the Frycade and are promptly showered with wing sauce - both Penny's spicy sauce and Chuck's tangy sauce. In one of those "you got your peanut butter in my chocolate" sort of things, they discover that the combination of sauces tastes delicious.

So Chuck and Penny apologize to each other, and we end on everybody enjoying some tasty "toilet wings"... well, except for Hector. This is what HE'S up to:

Yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah... next episode!

"Ghost Pool" begins with... this guy in the middle of the woods.

"Whassup? I'm Discount Johnny Bravo."

Okay, so this guy is actually the star of a movie that Sanjay and Craig are watching. He's Remington Tufflips, who apparently is a real person but when I looked him up all I found were results about the cartoon character in this show. Couldn't find anything on the actual Remington Tufflips. Anyhow, their movie-watching is interrupted by Belle suddenly showing up and startling them. She's babysitting them, apparently. "We're not babies," Sanjay tells her. "Although we ARE a couple of babes." Then we get this:

Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeesh...

Sanjay's mother (Grey Griffin) pops in and tells Sanjay and Craig that Belle's in charge, and also no water before bed. Apparently, Sanjay has the hots for Belle, and we get an incredibly creepy scene where he sniffs her hair. He tells her that the "ghost pool" Discount Johnny Bravo is exploring in the movie is actually based on a real pool in a nearby forest. "They say ghosts still haunt the place..." he says as the camera abruptly zooms in on his face. Then Sanjay suggests that they actually go there, because going to a place that's supposedly haunted when you're a cartoon character is automatically a good idea. Hasn't he seen any episodes of Scooby-Doo?

As they go outside to get in Belle's car, they run into Hector (remember him?). We get a gross close-up shot of the gum behind Hector's ear (don't worry, I'll spare you the screencap), and now he's coming along. While they're driving there, Sanjay makes this face:

It's even freakier with the chuckle he makes during this scene.

They start rapping, and eventually they arrive at the forest where this "ghost pool" supposedly is. Blah-blah-blah, they find the entrance to the "ghost pool" and we get another gross close-up (this one of Sanjay's teeth).

"Duh, I wonder where the secret entrance to the ghost pool is... you don't think it's
behind those vines over there, do ya? Duh..."

The four idiots have themselves a "Ghost Pool Beach Party", and we get a montage of them having a blast... until they spot a mysterious shadowy figure zipping around the place. Then the whole place goes dark. "Maybe the clouds are covering the moon or something..." Sanjay nervously suggests, right before they spot a million red eyes staring at them.

"Pssst! Hey, you! You have any Clear Eyes with ya? We hear that for dry red eyes,
Clear Eyes is AWESOME!"

They try to swim for it, but suddenly the water in the pool turns into red Kool-Aid! OH, NO!

"How about a nice Hawaiian Punch?"

They start hearing demonic laughter, and then a giant bat shows up and flies their way.

Okay, I know it's an obvious joke, but...

"We can't stop here! This is bat country!"

So they try hiding from the bat underwater, only to encounter a talking skeleton. "That's it! We're getting out of here right now!" Belle exclaims once they reach the surface. But then the pool turns into a giant whirlpool, because I guess the "Ghost Pool" isn't done messing with them yet.

I honestly kind of hope this episode's twist ending is that the "Ghost Pool" was actually
just the Kool-Aid Man's toilet the whole time.

Fortunately, Craig takes advantage of his being a snake to save himself, Sanjay and Belle. Hector, meanwhile, winds up going down the whirlpool because he's an idiot and wanted to save the skeleton. Sanjay, Craig and Belle try to leave, but an iron gate blocks the exit... and then this guy shows up.

Hoo boy...

I just realized something - Sanjay, Craig and Belle are all pretty skinny. And the gate's bars aren't all that thick. Surely they could slip through 'em.

But anyway, then Sanjay and Craig get an idea - in the movie, Discount Johnny Bravo entered the Ghost Pool to get a sword that was in there. So they just have to find the sword in this place.

And as it turns out, there IS a sword in this place! Hooray!

"It's the Sword in the Stone! You know, just like from that one Disney movie!"

But they'll have to hurry, because the big Viking robot guy... whatever that thing's supposed to be, it just vomited out a G-G-G-G-GHOOOOOOOOOOOOOST!

"Like, zoinks, Scoob! It's a ghost made out of Nickelodeon's trademark green slime!"

Before the ghost can attack Belle, Sanjay and Craig grab the sword.

"BY THE POWER OF GREYSKULL!"

Then Belle decides to fight the ghost herself, and winds up slicing off the big robot Viking guy's head. And then the upper half of his body falls off. Then Belle notices that the sword is made of foam. Then Hector emerges from the big robot Viking guy's bottom half. What the heck is going on? Well, Sanjay admits that he and Craig overheard Sanjay's mom calling her to babysit them, and they set this whole thing up just so Belle wouldn't think they were babies. We get that "initially it looks like she's mad, but she's actually impressed" cliché, then Sanjay and Craig giggle like idiots. Which they are.

So, how exactly did they make the water turn into a whirlpool of Kool-Aid again?
Are we gonna get an explanation for that? Heck, what about the ghost and the
talking skeleton?

They all head outside, only to find out that Belle's car is gone. And where's Hector? Well, as it turns out, he and the talking skeleton stole Belle's car. The end.

WHAT'S THE VERDICT?

Meh. This was lame, but it's not the worst Nicktoon I've ever seen. I thought "Ghost Pool" was a bit better than "Hot Sauce Boss", mainly because I actually got kind of invested in the big climax at the end, and I didn't see the twist at the end coming. But most of the show was just kind of blah. Sanjay and Craig are just the stereotypical "idiot kid and his idiot non-human best friend" characters, there's not much else to them. And most of the jokes fall flat. But you could do much worse. I would much rather watch this than something like Planet Sheen or Fanboy and Chum-Chum. Also, I appreciate that, despite Sanjay being Indian, they didn't make him a gigantic Indian stereotype like Raj from The Big Bang Theory.

And now, I'd like to end the review by subjecting you to THIS horrifying image again:

My apologies for whatever nightmares you have...

* To Mr. Enter's credit, he DID apologize. That's more than I can say for his fans, many of whom attempted to justify what he did and continued to insult Casey, though not on his Twitter page.

Back to the Drawing Board: Rejected "Fantasia" Segments

Well, we did it, folks. We survived 2020. I don't think I'm alone in saying that it was an awful year. And I don't think I need to tell you WHY it's widely considered to be an awful year. It was the year that made us think, "Gee, maybe we were a little too harsh on 2016." But we made it through. And for my first post of 2021, I thought I'd do another edition of Back to the Drawing Board, where we do a little dumpster-diving to see what got cut from things that are animated.

Let's talk a little about Fantasia.

Fantasia is one of those movies that they would never make nowadays. Modern animated movies, regardless of how good or bad they are, all sort of follow the same template: CGI-animated, celebrity voices, fast-paced humor, stuff like that. Here we have an animated movie that doesn't even have a plot - it's a series of short films set to music with little to no dialogue (there go the celebrity voices!). And it's a movie that focuses on CLASSICAL MUSIC. Have you seen a recent animated movie? Rarely will they include a song that qualifies as "classical music". Even if it's not a pre-existing song, chances are it's still gonna be a pop song. Classical music will only be thrown in there if it fits a joke.

Regardless, it's probably for these same reasons that Fantasia is seen as a classic. It's just a series of shorts set to music, and that's enough. I mean, they're GOOD shorts. And it really is a testament to the Disney animators' talents that they were able to pull all of these off.

And here's a fun fact for you: Walt Disney wanted to re-release the film again and again over the years, swapping out some segments for new ones with each theatrical release. But due to World War II and the film's not making enough money at the box office to justify the cost, that didn't happen. We wouldn't see another Fantasia until fifty-nine years later, when Disney released Fantasia 2000.

And alas, THAT film wound up underperforming too, and since then Disney has canceled another Fantasia film they had planned, Fantasia 2006. Both Fantasia films have so many segments that it's hard to think of how, exactly, they were able to come up with so many different shorts based on musical compositions. But they did it. And they came up with a LOT of them, and some of those shorts wound up not making it into either film. Thus, today we'll be looking at some segments that DIDN'T make it into either short. Some of them would wind up still being completed and released as shorts (as was the case with several segments intended for Fantasia 2006, such as One By One and Lorenzo) or used in other Disney films (a segment set to "Clair de Lune" was later re-edited and featured as the "Blue Bayou" segment in Make Mine Music). Others wound up in the trash bin, sitting in there for years until being found by animation fanatics on the internet like me. Let's get started, shall we?

"Ride of the Valkyries" (Fantasia)

Richard Wagner's "Ride of the Valkyries" is one of the most well-known pieces of classical music ever written. Even if you don't know the name of it, there's a very good chance that you've heard it before at least once. Y'know that song Elmer sings in the short What's Opera, Doc? You know, "kill da WABBIT, kill da WABBIT, kill da WABBIT!"? That one? That's "Ride of the Valkyries"! Well, obviously the lyrics were original to the cartoon, but still...

Anyhow, concept art for this segment exists online. The short was apparently supposed to focus on a Norse myth about Valkyries who ride (natch) down to battlefields during wars and took fallen soldiers up to Valhalla. However, Walt didn't think it was a good idea to include the sequence because the song was too closely associated with the Germans, due to the fact that Adolf Hitler loved the music of Richard Wagner. So for any of you that still think Walt was an anti-Semite...

"Adventures in a Perambulator" (Fantasia)

"Adventures in a Perambulator", a 1914 piece, was to be the background music of a segment showing us what a day in the park is like through the eyes of a baby in a stroller. A very interesting idea, in my opinion. Concept art for the segment gives us a pretty good idea of what the segment would've been like.

Apparently, it wasn't intended for the original release of the film, but one of the aforementioned planned re-releases. When the "let's re-release Fantasia multiple times adding in new segments for each re-release" plan got the axe, so did Disney's take on "Adventures in a Perambulator".

"Invitation to the Waltz" (Fantasia)

The original Fantasia's segments feature a lot of characters that went on to become as beloved and popular as Snow White, Pinocchio, Dumbo, etc. in their own right... Yensid, the Brooms, Ben Ali Gator, Hyacinth Hippo, the Dancing Mushrooms, and of course, this guy:

"Maleficent can suck it. I'M the most powerful Disney villain!"

One character from the film that became very popular after its release was the little black pegasus in the segment "The Pastoral Symphony" - did you know that he actually has a name? It's Peter. Peter Pegasus. But we'll just call him Peter. Why did they name him Peter? Well, apparently when they came up with the name, they were working on Peter Pan. And both characters can fly, so...

He's angry because he didn't get to audition for My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic.

Peter was so popular that the Disney studio considered making more segments with him for future Fantasias. One of these proposed segments was set to "Invitation to the Dance", an 1819 piano composition by Carl Maria von Weber. Throughout the segment, Peter would've encountered ducks and a bumblebee and things like that. Likely would've been like the first few scenes in Bambi. Y'know, if Bambi was black and had wings.

"Baby Ballet" (Fantasia)

Okay, I'm perfectly aware that there isn't a composition called "Baby Ballet". Then again, I know very little about classical music so it's entirely possible that there is indeed a composition called that and I just don't know that because I'm an uncultured idiot. But if such a composition DOES exist, they weren't gonna have it be the score of the segment with the name planned for Fantasia - they were gonna have it be set to Frederick Chopin's "Berceuse, Op. No 57".

And yes, I actually did have to look up "berceuse", because I had no idea what that word meant. Apparently, it's a lullaby. In that case, it's fitting that they were going to use it for a segment about babies...

Anyhow, "Baby Ballet" was to have parodied grand musical revues. They were gonna have babies prancing around in a nursery...

And also in a... barren wasteland with giant candles topped by deflated baby bottles?

In addition to the babies, the segment would've also featured storks looking after the babies because apparently their parents were off doing who knows what.

Apparently, there also would've been... what are those things? Anthropomorphic diapers? I assume those are anthropomorphic diapers.

Dang, this would've been a really weird segment. Not that most of Fantasia's other segments weren't weird (I mean, one of them features DANCING MUSHROOMS), but even for a Fantasia segment this sounds like it would've been strange. I'm honestly kind of disappointed that they never made this one.

"Flight of the Bumblebee" (Fantasia)

Set to Rimsky Korsakov's 1899 piece called... well, "Flight of the Bumblebee", this segment would've starred a wallaby. Just kidding, of course - it would've starred a bumblebee. One interesting thing about this one is that Sam Armstrong, a storyman at the studio, suggested that if they did this one, Walt could project the image of a bee onto the walls of the theater to make it look like it was flying over the audience. That would've been pretty cool. And this was BEFORE 3-D was a major thing in movie theaters!

While the idea of "Flight of the Bumblee" being included in Fantasia wound up getting the proverbial flyswatter, the song wound up being used for a segment in another Disney film - Melody Time. This time, the segment was called "Bumble Boogie" and had a jazzier version of the song play as a bee is attacked by musical instruments. No, really. Look up the segment if you don't believe me.

The Original Version of "Pomp and Circumstance" (Fantasia 2000)

We can't end the article without discussing this one.

Actually, before we get to the segment, I'll admit - I wasn't able to find any information about any hypothetical rejected Fantasia 2000 segments online. How weird is THAT? Apparently, at one point they were going to have a segment starring Goofy called "The Ugly Goofling", but aside from that? Not much... but I knew I had to talk about this one, even if it's more of an early version of a segment that DID make it into the film than a rejected segment.

Okay, now onto the segment... it was then-CEO Michael Eisner's idea to include a segment based on "Pomp and Circumstance" in Fantasia 2000. But that wasn't his ONLY idea for the segment, no, no... he also suggested having it be a big House of Mouse-esque Disney character crossover.

Found this online when trying to look up concept art for this version of the segment.

George Scribner (you probably know him best as the director of Oliver and Company) was given the task of developing the idea, but he and the rest of the crew weren't huge fans of it. David Bossert described it as being "almost nakedly commercial".

Initially, the idea was to have the Disney characters in an orchestra playing at the Hollywood Bowl (see the concept art above). Then they came up with ANOTHER idea, this one focusing on the Disney Princesses.

They whipped up a story reel that wound up getting shown at various Disney presentations and events (like the Destination D thing) over the years. From what I've heard, the sequence would've had all the Disney characters gathering together for some sort of processional thing where... okay, get ready for this... the Disney Princesses and their Princes (at least the ones made before 1994) were going to show everyone... get ready... their babies. Yes, I am not kidding - we would've seen the children of the Disney Princesses being paraded around in strollers and perambulators. Snow White had twins.

There was going to be a lot of stuff going on here. Donald Duck would've been the one to present the kids with their crowns, but he would've run into trouble with the Disney villains, only to get saved by the Magic Carpet from Aladdin. Speaking of Aladdin, there would've been a gag with the Genie selling merchandise as though he was at a baseball game (which in my opinion doesn't feel appropriate for what would've essentially been a christening). The White Rabbit would've blown a trumpet. Mr. Toad, the Reluctant Dragon, Bongo from Fun and Fancy Free, and even Brer Fox and Brer Bear were going to show up.

On top of that, they also wanted to get several of the animators who originally animated the characters appearing in this segment to come back and animate them again. They wanted Marc Davis to animate Tinker Bell for the segment, Ward Kimball to animate Jiminy Cricket, Frank Thomas to animate the fairies from Sleeping Beauty, and Ollie Johnson was going to animate a character too, but I'm not sure which one.

Of course, they needed to pitch this idea to Frank, Marc, Ollie and Ward to get them on board. So they drove them down to the Disney studio, served them a light lunch, and played the story reel for them and Roy Disney. The story reel finished. The lights went back on. For a few seconds, nobody said anything. Then Ward said this was the stupidest idea that he had ever heard.

Yeah, none of the animators liked the idea of this segment. One of them called it "an appalling abuse of the characters". Roy also didn't like the idea of showing the Disney Princesses' kids because he didn't want to give people the mental images of Aurora, Snow White, Cinderella etc. doing the thing that leads to babies being born. Long story short, they wound up tossing out that idea and eventually came up with the "Donald working on Noah's Ark" plot.

So instead of Snow White's offspring, we got these guys.

So in other words, this early version of the "Pomp and Circumstance" segment would've been very much like scene in Ralph Breaks the Internet where Vanellope goes to OhMyDisney.com and hangs out with the Disney Princesses. Bet Roy, Frank, Ollie, Ward, and Marc would've hated THAT, too.

Thank you for joining me on this crazy trip through the Realm of Rejected Fantasia Segments. Please remain seated until the article comes to a complete stop. See you next time.

P.S. I suppose I should mention that I've never actually seen Fantasia 2000. I don't think I've ever seen the original Fantasia in full, either. I hope that's alright.