Let's Watch This - "Alpha and Omega" (2010)

FIRST A QUICK DISCLAIMER

The following review was actually written before the Nostalgia Critic uploaded HIS review of Alpha and Omega. You see, I like to write my blog posts in advance before posting them. I feel it's less stressful to do it that way. In addition, I have not watched the Nostalgia Critic's review of Alpha and Omega and I plan to never do so because the Nostalgia Critic's reviews haven't been funny since, like, 2014. Thus, any similarities between my review and the Nostalgia Critic's review (aside from the whole "they're both reviews of Alpha and Omega" thing) are entirely coincidental. Of course, I highly doubt that anyone will care about how similar my review of the movie is to the Nostalgia Critic's since the Nostalgia Critic and his portrayed/creator, Doug Walker, is nothing more than a punchline nowadays, I just don't want anyone to think I've gotten lazy and have decided to just lazily swipe ideas from the Nostalgia Critic to make my "post something on my blog every other week" quota. And for those of you that read this whole thing and didn't just skip to the actual review... well, I appreciate that. Thank you. Okay, now onto the review...

Some animated movies are beloved by all. For example, have you ever seen anybody say that they don't like Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs? Or the first Toy Story? Has anybody criticized Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse? And on the flip side, there are also some animated movies that seem to be hated by all. Nobody's ever said "You know what animated movie I really love? Mars Needs Moms!"* However, there are a lot of animated movies that are divisive - there are people who love 'em and people who hate 'em. For example, there's a little film from 2010 called Alpha and Omega.

The movie's got a big fanbase. I think it's mainly because of the "animated wolves" thing. Balto has a pretty big fanbase too, I'm pretty sure. But the film has a rather large hatedom, too. But did the critics like it? Well, no... on Rotten Tomatoes, the film's got a sixteen-percent rating. And here are some quotes from a couple of the reviews of the film that the site included:

"Alpha and Omega, an unambitious 3-D animation about a couple of young wolves in love, isn't so much howlingly bad as it is howlingly boring."

- Michael O'Sullivan, the Washington Post

"There's nothing here that Disney hasn't done much better decades ago, and the script is a lame mixture of slapstick and sentiment."

- Christopher Tookey, dailymail.co.uk

"A poorly written and disappointingly animated adventure that may keep the wee'uns happy for a while but will leave the adults snoozing."

- Empire Magazine

But enough about how the film is considered either a great animated movie or a boring and unfunny piece of crap, how exactly did Alpha and Omega become a thing? Well, the film was produced by Richard Rich.

No, no, not Richie Rich! I said RichARD Rich! RichARD! With an ARD!

There we go - Richard Rich. If you're a HUGE fan of animation like I am, that name should sound familiar. He also directed The Trumpet of the Swan, The Swan Princess (do you think he likes swans?), that animated adaptation of The King and I from 1999, The Fox and the Hound, and The Black Cauldron. However, he only PRODUCED Alpha and Omega - the film was actually directed by Anthony Bell (whose other claim to fame is directing episodes of Klasky-Csupo cartoons like Rugrats and The Wild Thornberrys) and Ben Gluck (also the director of Brother Bear 2). Ben Gluck also co-wrote the film with Chris Denk (whose other writing credits include Happily N'Ever After 2 and a Finding Nemo knockoff called The Reef) and Open Season producer Steve Moore. The film was released in the September of 2010 and made $50.5 million on a $20 million budget. And now I'm going to do a review of it. Let's get started, shall we?

Our story begins in Jasper National Park. We get some landscape shots of the park and its mountains, trees, waterfalls, etc. before cutting to some teenage wolves about to ride a piece of tree bark down a hill. Two other teenage wolves, Kate (voiced by Hayden Panettiere) and her sister Lilly (Christina Ricci), are chasing each other around.

Calvin and Hobbes this ain't.

Eventually, one of the wolves, Humphrey (voiced by Justin Long), winds up colliding with Kate, leading to... uh, a romantic moment. That fast? Huh. Usually in these types of animated movies it takes until the end of the second act for the main characters to realize that they love each other.

Try to keep it PG, guys.

Kate tells Humphrey that she's "practice hunting for [their] lunch". Humphrey's response is, "Oh, great, 'cause I'm about to lose mine! I'll try to swallow it!" They wind up falling to the ground, and then Kate's father (voiced by Danny Glover) shows up and tells Kate that it's "time to go". As it turns out, Kate is going to "Alpha School", which goes until spring. Wolves go to school, apparently. Humphrey isn't too fond of not seeing Kate until "a winter away", but according to Kate's dad, "Alpha School" is necessary for her to become a "trained Alpha, the future leader of the pack".

Nice hairdo you've got there, Danny Glover Wolf.

Winter goes by, and then we see Humphrey and his idiot friends riding the bark again. One of them, Salty (Brian Donovan), winds up eating bugs (eugh). After they all wind up crashing into a rock, Humphrey notices that it's finally spring. The sun is shining, the birds are singing, the flowers are a-blooming, and Kate is back. "Forget about it, Humphrey," Salty tells him. "Kate's an Alpha now. And you're an Omega."

"I'm so stoned right now..."

Humphrey's idiot friend who's shtick is that he's really fat, Mooch (Eric Price), adds that they're "Just friends. End of story." Perhaps Humphrey has a better shot with Reba and Janice, a pair of vegetarian wolves...

Yeeeeeeeeeeesh...

Humphrey and his idiot friends then spot some "eastern pack wolves" prowling towards the same caribou that Kate and her fellow Alphas are prowling towards. And since they're hunting caribou, that means I can make this joke:

The wolves in their pack hate the eastern pack wolves because... uh, I don't know, but maybe they'll explain it. Anyhow, the eastern pack wolves wind up scaring the caribou, and soon Kate winds up caught in a stampede. I guess one of the wolves made the same mistake that Kenai did and tried to milk one.

Only six minutes in and I'm already reminded of The Lion King.
Why do so many of the movies that I review remind me of The Lion King?

Kate manages to save two of the other wolves, and then the eastern pack wolves and Kate's fellow Alphas start going at it. Humphrey and his idiot friends break up the fight by throwing Mooch on top of them. "Don't get your fur in a bunch!" Humphrey says, giving us Cringe-Worthy Line #1. "You wolves are making us look bad." Why, the caribou are laughing at them!

"You should've seen the looks on your faces when we started the stampede. You looked
like such idiots!"

After having a good laugh at the wolves' expense, the caribou proceed to shake their butts at the wolves. Humphrey gives us Cringe-Worthy Line #2 - "Now that's a moon that I don't wanna howl to." Are you laughing yet? What's that? You're not? Well, there's a reason for that - this is not funny. And yet, the other wolves start laughing. Rule of thumb: if the other characters in an movie find another character's jokes funny, make it so that the character's jokes are actually, you know, FUNNY.

Danny Glover Wolf... I'm sorry, his name is Winston, shows up and tells the western pack wolves (that's Kate and Humphrey's pack) to get back to the den, then tells the eastern pack wolves to go home, then tells the Omegas that they did a good job. I think I like this guy, though most of that probably stems from the fact that he's voiced by Danny Glover. Why doesn't that guy get more credit? He's awesome.

Kate complains that she blew her first hunt, but Humphrey tells her that she did great. If anyone's hungry, they can always eat, um, berries. Very nutritious. This does not make Kate feel better.

Later, after a joke involving three wolves, uh, fist-bumping, Kate and Winston return home to Kate's mother, Eve (Vicki Lewis), and the aforementioned Lilly. Since the hunt was a bust, all they have to eat are the bones of some previous meal. After another wolf comes back after being ambushed by an eastern pack wolf, a wolf who looks like he wants to join KISS says that something must be done about those rassa-frassin' eastern pack wolves.

Seriously, look at him. He looks like a member of KISS.

Winston tells the KISS member wannabe to put their Alphas on alert, but as it turns out the KISS member wannabe already took care of that. Meanwhile, Humphrey and his idiot friends are getting into WACKY SHENANIGANS with the other wolves that were hoping to munch on caribou.

Eventually, Winston has a meet-up with the leader of the eastern wolf pack, Tony (voiced by Dennis Hopper). The reason why the eastern wolves showed up earlier, apparently, is because there are no more caribou left in the east. In order to keep this fight for food between the two packs from going any further, the two packs will have to be united - Kate will have to marry Tony's son Garth. "Garth knows his responsibility," Tony says. "Does Kate?" "Don't worry," Winston replies, "She knows." Well, except that Kate is watching them right now, and judging by her shocked reactions I'd say that no, she didn't know that. Winston apparently never thought to tell her. D'oh. "Good," Tony says before prowling off. "Then she can meet Garth tonight at the moonlit howl. I won't let my pack starve, Winston. If we have to, we'll fight for the valley."

This intense scene is followed by... what else? The HILARIOUS antics of Humphrey and his idiot friends!

Nyuck nyuck nyuck nyuck nyuck! Aren't they just so gosh-darn WHACKY?!

So I guess the moonlight howl is some sort of... thing where the wolves all get together and the male wolves can meet female girls and they can dance awkwardly and sing an awful techno song that consists entirely of "Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh-hooooooooooo-hoooooooooooo-oooooooooooh-hooooooooooooo-hooooooo-hoooooooooo..." Yeah, this is a pretty cringe-worthy scene. I'll let Zoidberg sum up my opinion of it:

Humphrey's idiot friends fail miserably at wooing some stereotypical valley girl wolves, then Humphrey sees Kate coming over flipping her hair in slow-motion. I guess that's their way of trying to make the people in the audience just as attracted to Kate as Humphrey is. Which is disturbing, seeing as she's a WOLF. A non-anthropomorphic wolf. Not a super-realistic non-anthropomorphic wolf, mind you, but still a non-anthropomorphic wolf. Warner Bros. attempting to make people have the hots for Lola Bunny was disturbing, yes, but at least Lola is anthropomorphic. Kate isn't.

God, I just defended the Space Jam version of Lola Bunny. I feel dirty.

Humphrey's idiot friends remind Humphrey that he can't howl with Kate because she's an Alpha and he's an Omega. So apparently howling in this movie is a metaphor for getting it on. And now I feel even dirtier.

Thanks to more of Humphrey's idiot friends' WACKY SHENANIGANS, Humphrey winds up flying into a tree. Meanwhile, Kate and Lilly see Garth for the first time, and we get this accompanied by triumphant music:

I think the shooting star in the background is what makes it.

Kate and Lilly are now attracted to Garth, and Humphrey decides to ruin the moment by jumping down in between Kate and Garth and being an annoying tool. "You're a big one, aren't ya?" he tells Garth. "Heh, you're practically a moose! Ha, where you hidin' them antlers?" Garth (Chris Carmack) just asks, "Who's the coyote?" Kate's response is, "No one important." Ouch.

I would love to see a hunter or something come by and see this going on.
Their reaction would probably be pretty funny.

Kate and Garth do some awkward flirting, and then it turns out that Garth isn't so perfect after all - he sucks at howling. To be fair, though, so do all of these other wolves. Kate's reaction is to say that she, uh, needs to go, uh, get some, uh, water and she'll be right back. Then she leaves.

Cut to Humphrey sitting by the pond, bummed that Kate called him "no one important". He comes across Kate and starts teasing her about how Garth isn't so much a STUD as much as he is a DUD. Just like this movie thus far. We get some more unfunny banter between these two idiots, and then Kate gets hit with a tranquilizer dart, which causes her to go all woozy. And then Humphrey gets it by a tranquilizer dart and goes all woozy too. Madagascar did this joke better. As did Madagascar 3: Europe's Most Wanted.

Oh, look, he's drooling. Because drooling is automatically funny. Oh, wait, no
it isn't. It's just disgusting. Eugh...

One of the hunters who tranquilized Humphrey and Kate tells the other two to pack 'em up, 'cuz they're going to Idaho. They load the wolves into their pickup truck, drive out of Jasper National Park, get in their biplane, and by the time the wolves come to they're in crates in the back of another pickup truck driving through Idaho. We get a joke where it's implied that Humphrey drank his own pee (classy, fellas), and eventually the wolves are set free. They make a run for it, and soon come across a duck and a goose playing golf as three porcupines watch them. Okay, let's see where they're going with this...

Insert comparison to Boris from Balto here.

So, the goose's name is Marcel (Larry Miller), and he's French-Canadian. The duck's name is Paddy (also Eric Price), and he's British. Paddy and the porcupines are frightened by the wolves, but Marcel doesn't seem to be - "I like wolves!" he says... right before whacking Humphrey with his golf club and making a run for it. Humphrey takes off after him, resulting in MORE WACKY SHENANIGANS!

Oh, the hilarity!

The WACKY SHENANIGANS (including a gag where it's implied that Humphrey went into a moose's rear end... yeah, that's definitely what the movie needed) culminate in Humphrey and Marcel landing in the mud. Kate asks Marcel where they are, and Marcel fills them in - Idaho. "IdaHOO?" Humphrey says, making for Cringe-Worthy Line #3. Specifically, they're in the Sawtooth National Wilderness. "What are we doing in Idaho?!" Kate demands. Paddy then says, "You were, um, relocated to, um, hmmm-hmmm-hmmm... repopulate." "Zhey want you big wolves to make a lot of... little wolves!" Marcel adds with a chuckle. So, in other words, this is kind of like Rio. Except it's with wolves instead of macaws. And also not quite as good.

Horny Humphrey likes the idea of getting it on with Kate. Kate, not so much. "So... you two are, an iteeeeeeeeeem?" Marcel asks mischievously. "You wolves... you are funny!" Okay, Marcel and Paddy are definitely my favorite characters thus far. They're actually fun to watch, which is more than I can say for the wolves.

"We have to get home NOW. There's going to be trouble if I don't get back to Jasper," Kate tells Humphrey. Fortunately, Marcel and Paddy have actually BEEN to Jasper National Park many times. "Dated a pintail from Jasper Park," Paddy admits. "She never stopped quacking. Drove me NUTS." "Drove her right to MEEEEEEEEEE..." Marcel adds. "Bound to happen, bound to happen." Marcel agrees to help Humphrey and Kate because "I like you two, you make me laugh. Plus, you didn't eat me so I owe you a favor."

Meanwhile, back in Jasper, the western wolf pack and the eastern wolf pack are at it. I guess Winston thinks the eastern wolf pack did something to Kate... as does Eve, and she says that if any of them hurt Kate then she will rip out their eyes and shove them down their throat so that they can see her tear their carcass open. Lilly then offers to show Garth around until Kate gets back. "Sounds good to me!" says Garth, if for no other reason than because Eve scares him (which makes two of us). Tony tells Winston that she'll give Kate "till the full moon" - if she's not back by then, I guess, the packs will go at it for control of the valley or something like that.

Back to Humphrey and Kate. Marcel manages to open up the back door on an RV headed to Jasper, which the wolves can use to ride home. Humphrey doesn't like the idea of being "boxed-up twice in one day". Marcel and Paddy point out that the couple that own the RV are a motorcycle gang member and a librarian respectively - "Opposites attract, if you will." One unfunny scene later, the wolves manage to jump into the RV, which promptly flies off, Marcel and Paddy flying after it.

Kate falls asleep and has a brief dream sequence of the two packs fighting. When she wakes up, we get Humphrey wearing biker duds and dancing like an idiot. Hate Humphrey yet?

I sure do.

We cut back to Garth and Lilly. Lilly is showing Garth "Rabbit Poop Mountain", so called that because it's where rabbits like to poop. Poop: it's automatically funny. Just like drool. Lilly entertains Garth with some impressions, then Garth tells her that he wants to show her something that an Alpha can do. The other wolves, meanwhile, are searching for Kate.

Meanwhile, the RV is approaching a roadside stop.

Oh, I get it. It means both "Eat food and fill up your car's tank with gas here" and
"if you eat the food here you'll get gas". I'll admit that's kind of funny...

Kate, somehow, has wound up dressed like THIS...

What exactly have Kate and Humphrey been up to while in that RV?!

Actually, you know what? Don't tell me. I don't want to know...

Humphrey winds up having to climb out of the RV so that he can take a leak. Alas, he winds up getting distracted by food, and then one of the gas station's employees spots him and freaks out. And then another employee shows up. And he has a gun and an Indian accent. And a mustache, can't forget the mustache. And, oh no! The RV is driving off! Kate quickly jumps out of the RV and saves Humphrey, then they make a run for it. They get away, but they can't catch up with the RV. And now it's starting to rain. Curse you, Humphrey's bladder!

Humphrey then starts doing a "rain dance" in an attempt to make it stop raining. Just when I think that this character can't get more annoying...

"I'M OBNOXIOUS! I'M OBNOXIOUS! I'M OBNOXIOUS, CAN'T YOU TELL?!"

We then get a scene where Humphrey saves Kate from falling into a ravine. How pathetic is it when you need this idiot to bail you out of a tight spot? I thought Kate was supposed to be a tough, no-nonsense action girl and she really needs a moron like Humphrey to save her?

Back to Kate's pack. The KISS member wolf tells Winston that they haven't found Kate. Winston just says, "We MUST defend our territory!"

Once morning arrives, Marcel and Paddy manage to catch up with Humphrey and Kate. "I give you a first-class ticket home and you blow it?" Marcel demands. And apparently there's no other way to get the two wolves back to Jasper. "What am I, a travel agent?!" Marcel asks.

"To heck with zhis! I am going to open a noodle shop in zhe Valley of Peace!"

Fortunately, after Humphrey kisses Marcel's feathery goose rump Marcel and Paddy bring up that there IS a train that can take them home - the Canadian Express. "It shoots right by Jasper Park," Paddy says. The train boards on the other side of a nearby mountain.

Cut back to Jasper. Garth is showing off his hunting skills for Lilly. He tries to teach her his hunting style, but she's not much of a hunter. Yeah, as you might have guessed, there's another romance in this movie besides Humphrey and Kate's. Speaking of which, back to those two...

After a brief snowball fight, Humphrey comes across a giggling bear cub.

Little Bear, is that you?

And as we all know, where there's a bear cub, there's usually a mother bear. And heck hath no fury like a mother bear who thinks you're trying to harm her cub, as Humphrey finds out the hard way.

Eugh, more drool...

Quick question, is the bear planning on eating Humphrey? Do bears eat wolves? I looked it up, and apparently they CAN, but at the same time some wolves apparently eat bears. Could somebody who knows more about a bear's diet please fill me in?

Eventually, two more bears show up and the three of them corner Humphrey and Kate. Fortunately, Humphrey has a secret weapon - unfunny jokes! This predictably fails, so then Kate tries to fight the bears, but she winds up getting her tail handed to her too. Long story short, the two wolves and one of the bears wind up falling off the cliff and sliding down the hill.

I wonder if the black bear in this scene was inspired by the one from The Fox and the Hound. I mean, Richard Rich worked on both movies, so I guess it's a possibility.

Baloo, before his morning coffee.

Thankfully, Humphrey uses a piece of tree bark as a sled and he and Kate manage to slide to safety and even wind up flying into one of the train cars. Hooray! "You know, we make a pretty good team," Humphrey tells Kate. "We're on to something here. Stick with me, pup, we'll go places."

Meanwhile, Lilly is helping Garth with his howling. At the same time, Humphrey and Kate notice that the moon is full. Humphrey starts howling... and by howling, I mean going, "Oooooooooooooooooh-hoooooooooooooo-hooooooooooo-oooooooooooh... oh-oooooooooooooooh-hooooooooooooooooooo!" That's not howling, that's just vocalizing. Well, anyway, Humphrey's "howling", Garth and Lilly are "howling", then Kate starts "howling" too. Everyone's "howling". Goody goody.

It's kind of like "I See the Light" from Tangled, except not nearly as good.

However, Tony is not amused to be seeing Garth howling with - GASP! - AN OMEGA. "We're going to take the valley," he tells Garth. "And our CARIBOU." Lilly, meanwhile, tells Winston that the eastern wolves are on their way. I smell a battle coming on!

Then Marcel and Paddy show up again. They manage to catch up with Humphrey, and I will admit, I did chuckle at Paddy replying to Humphrey's asking them if they were crazy with, "Well, that's up for debate." Marcel informs Humphrey that Jasper Park is a few miles up.

Okay, now back to the wolf packs. "It's the full moon, Winston..." Tony points out. "I didn't want it to come to this..." Winston's response is, "Yet here we are..." Then the intense scene is interrupted by Reba and Janice running in and shouting, "STOP THE INSANITY! GO ORGANIC!" while squirrels on their backs pelt fruit at the wolves. Don't ask me what that was all about, I've got nothing.

The train arrives in Jasper, which means it's time for the inevitable scene where Humphrey and Kate want to tell each other that they want to get it on but they're just too awkward and can't spit it out, nyuck nyuck nyuck. But then Kate notices that the wolf packs are at it and they jump out of the train to stop it.

"All I ask is for you to follow our customs!" Tony snaps at Winston. "And unite the packs! But NO! Your daughter had to up and run away!" "I DIDN'T run away!" Kate announces as she and Humphrey show up. Kate explains that some hunters nabbed her and Humphrey and took them to Idaho. "We were supposed to... repopulate," Humphrey says. Eve's reaction to this is to tackle Humphrey and start strangling him. Okay, credit where credit is due, that's kind of funny. Fortunately, Kate calms her mother down by telling her that A) they didn't, you know, do it and B) Humphrey helped her get home. But Kate still has to marry Garth in order to unite the packs, so she and Humphrey can't be together. Darn.

Oh, yeah, and remember Humphrey's three idiot friends? They're still in this movie.

Humphrey is bummed that the wolf he loves is marrying someone else. Fortunately, Marcel and Paddy show up again before Humphrey shows up to tell Kate that he's decided to leave Jasper and become a wandering nomad. This is his way of expressing his unableness to admit his true feelings for Kate. And by the way, Garth likes Lilly so he's not too thrilled about having to marry Kate either.

The wedding starts off, but Kate can't go through with it and admits that she fell in love with an Omega. Garth is cool with that and admits that he, too, is in love with an Omega. Tony is outraged - Alphas hooking up with Omegas is against pack laws! "This is MADNESS!" he snaps.

I know, I know, it's an obvious joke, but I just couldn't resist.

Why do all of the wolves have 1990s teen heartthrob hair? Somebody get them a comb.

So then the packs start going at it. Then we cut to a herd of caribou, presumably the same one from before. Hopefully they don't moon the wolves again.

Actually, does it even count as mooning if they don't wear pants?

The caribou break up the fight by having themselves another stampede. The wolves all run for it, but Winston and Tony wind up caught in the middle of it. Humphrey shows up and now he and Kate must save the day with - what else? A makeshift sled made of tree bark.

So, why are the caribou stampeding again? Just for the heck of it? Is it the Annual
Caribou Marathon or something like that?

They wind up falling off the sled, but it makes a good shelter for Humphrey, Winston and Tony. Kate, meanwhile, gets injured and Humphrey leaps out to protect her.

Why is everything suddenly so yellow? Did somebody urinate on the film?

The caribou run off, and of course we have to do the scene where everyone thinks that Kate kicked the bucket. Eventually the wolves all start howling... and for once they're actually howling, not just going "Ooooooooooooooooooh-hoooooooooooooo-hoooooooooooooooo..."

Of course, Kate is alive. She and Humphrey whisper sweet nothings to each other. Seeing this, Winston chuckles and says, "Maybe this can work." So Humphrey hooks up with Kate, Lily hooks up with Garth, the wolves all start howling again, and Marcel and Paddy introduce Winston and Tony to golf. The movie ends with the wolves all howling at the moon again... well, vocalizing, actually, not howling. Even Marcel and Paddy are getting into the act. The end.

Are some of those wolves purple, or is it just the lighting?

What's the Verdict?

Alpha and Omega is definitely not the best animated movie that I have ever seen, but I wouldn't call it the worst either. The animation was alright, I liked Marcel and Paddy, some of the jokes were kind of funny, and most of the voice actors did a fine job. But it does have its problems. And I think most of them come down to our two leads. Kate is bland, Humphrey is annoying, and despite their best efforts Justin Long and Hayden Panettiere aren't bringing much to the roles. When the film gets cringe-worthy, it gets really cringe-worthy. The "howling" scenes in particular are so incredibly lame. I don't think I would recommend it, but I could at least STOMACH it.

And in case anyone is wondering, no, I'm not going to review the sequels. How the heck did this movie spawn SEVEN sequels? I mean, SEVEN? Really? Was there a demand for seven Alpha and Omega sequels?

* Well, actually, I'm sure there's SOMEBODY on this planet that liked Mars Needs Moms, but I haven't found them yet...

Let's Watch This - An Episode of "Spliced"

Ladies and gentlemen, do I have a lousy cartoon for you today.

Spliced is another show from the folks at Nelvana - for those unaware, that's the same company that spawned Little Bear, Rolie Polie Olie, and Franklin. In Canada, it aired on Teletoon and Cartoon Network, but here in America, it aired on Qubo alongside shows like Veggietales and another show that I've taken a look at on this blog, Ned's Newt. It's sort of a comedic take on The Island of Dr. Moreau.

The extremely catchy theme song gives the show's plot:

"On a tiny little island in the ocean called Pacific
There's a mixed-up group of creatures who are really quite horrific
Mixed together with whatever crap was found or could be grabbed
Reinvented in the bowels of a lab!"

Yes, the song actually has the word "crap" in it. Don't ask me how they were able to get away with THAT.

Anyhow, the song also explains that the "spliced" animals were created by some crazy doctor who got taken away by the authorities, leaving his creations to... do whatever it is that they do. The main characters are some sort of rodent/squid-hybrid thing named Peri and a cow/pig/chicken/shrimp-hybrid named Entree. They're the stereotypical "skinny idiot and fat idiot" duo a la Ren and Stimpy or Fanboy and Chum-Chum.

So, is Spliced any good? Spoiler alert: not really, no. Why isn't it any good? I think the best way to explain why is through a review of one episode...

The first segment of this episode is a Peri and Entree cartoon called "Amazon".

It's a beautiful day on the island. The only "normal" animal there, a platypus named Patricia (Katie Crown), is thinking of taking a vacation - but it's so perfect there, so she doesn't think she should leave. Then Peri (Rob Stefaniuk) and Entree (Joe Pingue) show up. And they're, uh, giants.

Okay...

I can't even think of a joke here. Honestly, I think the screencap just speaks
for itself...

Patricia asks if Giant Skinny Idiot and Giant Fat Idiot were playing in the doctor's lab again, and Entree eats the mayor of the town, Two-Legs Joe (Pat McKenna). For some reason. Peri and Entree go off on their destructive rampage, and Patricia decides that maybe she SHOULD take a vacation.

She asks this little furry creature named Fuzzy (Julie Lemieux) if he can watch her house while she's away, but as it turns out Fuzzy's going on a trip too.

Fuzzy, as you can see, kind of looks like if you spliced Sam-I-Am and Wander.

Patricia goes around asking everybody if they can watch her house, and then Peri and Entree, now back to normal size, say that THEY can do it. Patricia is understandably reluctant to let them, but Peri is all "Come on, let us do it!" So she does, and tells them to A) let air in, B) water the plants, and C) feed her little mole/hamster-hybrid things - who are just as afraid of Peri and Entree as I am.

Patricia goes off on her vacation, where she meets... this guy.

He looks like the mascot of some sort of Frosted Flakes knockoff you find
at grocery stores...

Meanwhile, Peri and Entree are doing a really lousy job of taking care of her house, and are mainly just making a mess of things. Like, at one point Entree does THIS.

I think even Homer Simpson would be baffled at just how much of an idiot
this guy is...

Entree pours a truckload of Goldfish Crackers into the mole/hamster-hybrids' cage. Peri tells him that it's a bit too much, but Entree says, "Wouldn't you love it if someone poured delicious food all over YOU?" In addition, he also floods the house in order to keep the plants hydrated and turns up the thermostat "so it'll be nice and toasty for Patricia when she comes home". Now they don't have to do anything for a week!

Hear that? It's the sound of Stimpy, Patrick, and Heffer facepalming in unison. And likely also preparing to sue Entree for ripping them off.

Well, anyway, one week goes by and Peri and Entree decide to check on Patricia's house. Which now looks like this.

"Was all this here before?" Peri asks, to which Entree (who sounds like a bad impression of Muppeteer David Rudman, for what it's worth) replies, "Yeah." Upon noticing that the house now has a WATERFALL in it, Peri asks when Patricia gets back. "In a week," Entree reassures him. "At least that's what she said a week ago." Okay, can we just get to the part where she comes back and gets ticked off at them already? We all know that's what's going to happen, so why are you dragging it out?

Peri and Entree find Patricia arriving back in town and tackle her. "Why don't you take some more time off, like another day?" Entree suggests. Patricia, being the sane one here, demands to know what Peri and Entree did. Upon seeing what happened to her house, she's pretty ticked off.

I swear that I've seen that exact same face in a hundred different cartoons before...

Peri hears some drumming and starts dancing like an idiot. As it turns out, the mole/hamster things are now a native tribe a la the pigs from Muppet Treasure Island who promptly chase after Peri, Entree and Patricia. Tweedledee and Tweedledum escape, but the platypus winds up getting captured. Entree is perfectly willing to just let the mole/hamsters carry her off, but Peri is all, "Dude, we've gotta save her!"

After dressing up in... army duds, I guess? They go in to save Patricia... and promptly get knocked out by poison darts.

When they wake up, the mole/hamster guys have carried them to the top of a giant toilet and plan on giving them the Flushed Away treatment. They knock Entree in, and as they're about to throw in Peri he's all, "Pleaaaaaaaaaaaase give us another chance! We'll take care of you properly this time, I promise!" Patricia, who is now the leader of the mole/hamster tribe apparently, says that's all she needed to hear. Entree is rescued.

Peri and Entree say that the mole/hamster guys can stay with Entree until Patricia's able to get her house fixed up. Exactly six minutes later, the mole/hamster guys have tied up Peri and are roasting Entree over an open fire. The end.

Then we get... uh, a rap song performed by the lion guy (who sounds like a bad impression of Benjamin Bratt, by the way) Patricia met earlier in the episode? What?

The second segment of the show is... another Peri and Entree cartoon. Yaaaaaaaaaaaay. This one is called "Juice".

The episode begins with Entree having a dream in which he wins the title of "Most Popular Mutant Ever" and then starts playing the cello. Peri wakes him up by zapping him with a cattle prod (great friend you've got there, Entree).

Entree asks Peri if people like him. Peri's all, "Sure! I like you! Of course, I AM a massive idiot..." Entree really wants to be liked, so Peri announces that he will not sleep until his best friend is super-popular.

Several failed attempts at getting people to like Entree later, Entree comes up with a new plan. He dresses Peri up like an alien (which isn't too hard, since Peri already kinda looks like one) and tells Peri that he's going to "save the town" from Peri's "attack" and be a hero.

Boy, this E.T. remake is a lot stranger than the original...

Instead, the townsfolk all beat Peri up in an honestly pretty brutal scene while Entree falls asleep. Peri wants to throw in the towel after that, and to be honest I really don't blame him, but Entree is all, "NOOOOOOOO I MUST BECOME POPULAR!" and comes up with a new plan involving tight pants.

Don't ask me why Entree thinks looking like this will make him more popular.

The pants wind up falling apart, and as a result some milk shoots out of Entree's udders and lands on Peri. The rejected Foster's Home For Imaginary Friends character tells his Patrick ripoff friend that the milk tastes delicious (or as he puts it "like a warm summer's day"). As it turns out, Entree named all of his udders. If you thought Barnyard's giving male cows udders was disturbing, I invite you to give this episode a watch.

So Peri gets the idea to set up a stand and sell Entree's "udder juice", but nobody wants to drink anything that came out of Entree (for obvious reasons). Entree says, "It's just like milk from the store. The ENTREE Store." Patricia ends up trying some and likes it, and then everybody suddenly wants to try some of Entree's "udder juice". Soon Entree is super-popular and we get this.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUGH!

However, now Entree is so popular that he's not hanging out with Peri anymore. In fact, when Peri comes by and asks if he'd like to do something fun, Entree ASKS WHO HE IS, hands the poor guy a carton, and leaves. I take back what I said earlier about Peri not being a good friend - Entree is definitely the bad friend here. I know that's probably supposed to be the point, but still...

So now everybody is straight-up ADDICTED to Entree's "udder juice" (ughhhhhh...). And to make matters worse, Entree's udder that makes the good milk runs dry! He makes a run for it, his insane fans in hot pursuit, but Peri comes to his rescue. Wow, even after Entree was a jerk to him, Peri still wants to help the guy out. He's super-forgiving.

Peri suggests that Entree give them milk from one of his OTHER udders. Entree says that the milk from those udders doesn't taste good, and Peri says, "THAT'S THE POINT!" and then Entree whines that if he does that he won't be popular anymore.

Blah blah blah, Entree's other udders shoot milk into the other mutants' mouths and they think it tastes awful. Entree has learned a valuable lesson about how popularity isn't everything.

Look at Peri's expression here. You can just tell that he's about to snap like a
twig. I mean, if I had THAT thing as my best friend, I sure would.

And wouldn't you know it? The udder that makes the GOOD milk is running again, and Entree squirts some milk into Peri's mouth. As a result of this, Peri becomes addicted to the stuff as well.

See? What did I tell ya? Having Entree as a best friend has caused Peri to go
insane.

Entree tells his udder to run for it. The udder suddenly gains a mouth and screams, and the episode ends right there.

Oh yeah, and then we get a quick sketch starring "Compuhorse", but you know what? I'm skipping over it. Though it includes Entree getting kicked, which is admittedly pretty satisfying.

Spliced, in my opinion, is not a good show. The animation is typical Flash, all fidgety and flat (heck, the THEME SONG has more fluid animation!). Peri and Entree are both annoying, but I found Peri a lot more likable than Entree in that at least Peri's not a massive jerk. Entree is literally just Patrick except he's not funny at all. Patricia is boring - she's literally just there to be "the girl" of the show and that's it. The other characters barely leave an impression. I didn't laugh ONCE. Like most bad cartoons, the show throws every 2000s-2010s cartoon cliche at the screen in the hopes that it'll make the audience like it - time cards! Random sound effects! Gross close-up shots! Weirdness for the sake of being weird! It's all there, and it results in an obnoxious mess of a show. Much like Entree, this show doesn't have any legs to stand on.

Thank you for joining me for my review of Spliced. In the next edition of "Let's Watch This", we'll be taking a look at one of the lesser-known animated films released in 2010 - Crest Animation Productions' Alpha and Omega. Hope you like Justin Long-voiced wolves.

Let's Watch This - An Episode of "Yakkity Yak"

It's funny how memory works. Every single time I've had to do a division problem, I have no idea how to do it despite the fact that I've done it before. And yet, I remember a whole bunch of things that didn't involve subjects I learned in school. For example, I remember that at least one advertisement for this show began with the announcer exclaiming, "Nickelodeon is getting stupid!"

Now chances are that you're thinking, "What show is he referring to?" Well, I'll give you a hint: it's named after a song. And I was introduced to this show before the song, so I thought that the song came from the show as opposed to the show being based on the song.












Okay, I'm just gonna come out and say it: the show that we're reviewing today is Yakkity Yak.

Yakkity Yak is an Australian-Canadian cartoon that premiered on Teletoon and Nickelodeon (only in Australia, apparently, but it must've aired on the US Nickelodeon at SOME point if I remember watching episodes of it) in 2002. One season was produced before it got the ax, then banished to Nicktoons Network for a few years before winding up in the Pit of Obscure Nickelodeon Shows alongside shows like The Xs and The Brothers Flub. Apparently, kids looked at a show about a talking yak whose best friend is a kid with a pineapple for a head and thought, "This looks stupid." I'm guessing that straight-up saying in the ads that by airing this show Nickelodeon was "getting stupid" probably didn't help make the show look watchable.

Does Yakkity Yak hold up? Let's find out! Today we'll be taking a look at the episode... hmmm, let's see, which episode do I watch today? Maybe the one where Yakkity becomes an accurate weather forecaster... due to his grandmother's weather-predicting bunions*? Uh, no thank you... how about "The Yak and the Hat"?

Okay, so "The Yak and the Hat" begins with Yakkity (Lee Tockar) and his pineapple-headed best friend, Keo (Brian Drummond) at school. Keo, who kind of sounds like Cartman by the way, keeps answering the teacher's questions while Yakkity takes a nap. He starts drooling (ugh) and we get a look inside of his dreams.

I know this might be considered a nitpick, but why does Yakkity have antlers?
He's a yak, not a moose. Yaks don't have antlers. They have horns. Horns
that look nothing like antlers.

In his dream, Yakkity is a big movie star walking the red carpet. A reporter asks him a question - the very same question that the teacher called on him to answer, waking him up. Before Yakkity can think of the answer, Keo answers it, which makes the teacher ask, "Yakkity, why can't you be more like Keo?" Well, for one thing, Mr. Teacher, he doesn't have a pineapple for a head.

No, seriously, what exactly is the deal with  Keo having a pineapple for a head? Is he a mutant? Did he eat a pineapple-flavored Fruit Gusher? Is he a human with a pineapple for a head or a pineapple with a body or WHAT? How did they even come up with this idea? Did somebody say, "Hey, let's give this one character a pineapple for a head!" "Why?" "Well, SpongeBob lives in a pineapple, and everybody loves SpongeBob. Maybe if we include a pineapple somewhere in OUR show, it'll become as popular as SpongeBob!" "My God, it's GENIUS!"

Okay, moving on... we then cut to that night at Yakkity's house. Apparently, Yakkity and his grandmother invited Keo and his dad over. Keo's dad, as it turns out, is a pineapple with a face - no body, just a face. This just raises further questions.

So anyway, Yakkity's grandmother is knitting a hat, and Keo's dad (who sounds like Homer Simpson) is watching a game show called Who Wants to Win a Bunch of Money. Keo manages to correctly guess the answers even when the contestants can't, showing once again just how smart he is. And then we get a demonstration of just how dumb Yakkity is. Nyuck nyuck nyuck nyuck nyuck...

He also has a stereotypical dumb-sounding voice, just in case you didn't get
that he was supposed to be one of those cartoon characters that is also a
massive idiot.

After Keo gets him unstuck, Yakkity suggests that Keo try out for that game show, but Keo says that he can't because the TV studio is too far away. But then the show's host tells the audience that the show will be coming to their home town, Onion Falls, next week. Ze odds, vhat are zhey?

Alas, Keo is too nervous to do it - doesn't Yakkity remember what happened when Keo won the school history contest? Apparently, he was too afraid to go onstage and accept the award due to stage fright, so Yakkity had to accept it for him. Then Yakkity announced that he'd be thanking the audience on Keo's behalf with a little "rock-em sock-em stand-up comedy"... and promptly got pelted with fruit. Hopefully none of that fruit was a relative of Keo's.

"If only there was a way to combine your know-it-all-noggin with my complete inability to feel shame in front of others!" Yakkity says. Then Keo gets an idea involving the hat Yakkity's grandmother was knitting...

Cut to the game show. The host introduces Contestant Number One, a candy store owner by the name of Mr. HighPants.

His pants have sleeves. Wouldn't that technically make it some sort of bodysuit?

Then he introduces the next contestant, Yakkity. The plan, apparently, is having Keo hide inside the hat, and Yakkity wear the hat, so that Keo can give Yakkity all the answers to the questions that the host asks him. There's a word for this in game shows... what's it called again? Oh yeah, cheating.

"I sure hope the Cat in the Hat doesn't sue us for copyright infringement..."

The host asks Yakkity what the story is with his hat. Yakkity replies that sometimes, his hat sneezes. Uh, okay. "Well," the host says, "I've heard of a THINKING cap, but never a SNEEZING cap!" The audience starts laughing. I, on the other hand, am just sitting here unamused. In fact, at no point thus far has this show gotten a laugh out of me.

I figured that I should include a screencap of the host, so here he is.
Nice hairstyle, eh?

So the game begins. Yakkity keeps getting each question right due to Keo's giving him the answers, and soon the host is declaring him their new champion. Of course, he'll have to come back tomorrow for ROUND 2 of Who Wants to Win a Lot of Money.

At school the next day, Yakkity is talking to Keo about how great it is that they're going to win a whole lot of money and do cool things with it. For example, maybe he could buy himself an actual personality so he won't just have "idiot who sucks at stand-up comedy" as a character trait. The other kids are really impressed by Yakkity's smarts, to the point that they dub him even smarter than Keo. This, of course, does not make Keo happy.

Keo's lips are freaking me out.

After Round 2, which Yakkity wins, Keo volunteers Yakkity to answer the teacher's question of "What is the meaning of life?" in order to prove to the class that Yakkity is not, in fact, essentially Albert Einstein and Issac Newton combined.

Don't we all, Zoidberg. Don't we all...

So anyway, Yakkity admits that he doesn't know the answer, which pleases the teacher, as "a true genius is always willing to admit what he doesn't know." "In that case, I am one brainy dude!" Yakkity exclaims, which makes Keo understandably quite frustrated. I mean, Yakkity calling himself "one brainy dude" is like having Leonard Hofstader call himself the coolest person in the world.

After school, Yakkity comes by Keo's house in a truck to drop off Keo's share of the winnings. Keo is excited - that is, until he finds out that the truck isn't full of money. It's full of...  get ready for this... CHEESE. And not just any cheese... INCREDIBLY SMELLY cheese. Because as we all know, just like monkeys, farting, and shouting at the top of your lungs, cheese and things being smelly are automatically hilarious.

Cheese: winning it is only exciting if you're a cartoon mouse.

You see, as Yakkity was leaving the bank with the money that he and Keo won from the game show, he ran into some guy who had a lot of cheese and gave him all of the money in exchange for the cheese. Because as we've established, he's an idiot. "How could you blow all of our winnings without consulting me?!" a rightfully angry Keo demands. "I'M THE BRAINS!" "Well, I'M the personality! And maybe I don't NEED brains!" Yakkity replies stubbornly. Yeah, maybe you don't need brains, Yakkity... after all, you got along just fine before the game show WITHOUT brains.

Apparently, there's one more round of Who Wants to Win a Lot of Money that Yakkity needs to win tomorrow, and Keo tells him that he's not going to help Yakkity cheat his way to victory anymore. So, in the next round, Yakkity has cheese under his hat (for some reason) instead of Keo, and his opponent is... let's make a game out of it, shall we?

Is Yakkity's opponent...
A) Keo
B) Somebody other than Keo
OR C) Somebody other than somebody other than Keo who still isn't Keo

If you guessed A, congratulations! Apparently, wanting to stick it to Yakkity trumps stage fright for Keo.

I don't know why, but I love Keo's expression here. You can tell that he's just
as fed up with Yakkity's bullcrap (or should that be YAKcrap?) as I am.

Alas, Keo's stage fright prevents him from answering any of the questions (unless "Ummm..." qualifies as an answer in your book). Meanwhile, Mr. Idiot Yak answers every question with "Cheese?" When the show pauses for a commercial break, Yakkity angrily says that Keo is making him look like a fool. "You're wearing a hat made of cheese. You ARE a fool," Keo replies. I was gonna say "You don't need Keo to make you look like a fool", but I like Keo's comment better. Then, unaware that a cameraman is recording him at the moment, Keo points out that Yakkity would've never won all those previous rounds in the first place if it weren't for the fact that he was hiding in his hat and giving him all of the answers. Uh oh...

The host demands that Yakkity and Keo give them all the money that they won back. Too bad Yakkity stupidly blew it all on cheese.

Then we, um, cut to a different game show, this one a Survivor parody called Survival of the Grossest. The host tells us that tonight on the show, Yakkity and Keo will eat a hat full of cheese in order to win a big cash prize. Apparently, they're planning on giving the prize money to the people in charge of Who Wants to Win a Bunch of Money. The end.

A yak who looks more like a purple moose in a fur coat than a yak and a kid
with a pineapple for a head and incredibly red lips eating melted cheese out of a
knitted hat on a tropical island. I should be weirded-out by this, but eh, I watched
Squirrel Boy so this sort of thing really doesn't surprise me anymore.

I gotta admit, I was expecting Yakkity Yak to suck. It certainly didn't LOOK like a particularly good show. But it was actually better than I thought it would be. I mean, don't get me wrong, it's not a GOOD show. It's not funny, Yakkity is really annoying and not endearing in the slightest, and all the cheese grosses me out. But it's not a BAD show, it's just... mediocre. I wouldn't recommend watching it, but I've seen far worse cartoons.

Boy, most of my reviews are starting to sound the same, aren't they? Squirrel Boy, Corneil and Bernie, Ned's Newt, Class of 3000, this... I review way too many cartoons that are just mediocre. And mediocre cartoons don't really make for particularly funny reviews. Ah well, maybe I'll get more joke material out of the next cartoon that I review... what's next on the list?

Ummmmmmmm...

* I did not make that up. That was an actual episode.