Let's Watch This: "The Twelve Days of Christmas" (1993)

I like to think that the folks at Goodtimes Entertainment came up with this by asking "Hey, which Christmas song DOESN'T have an animated special based on it yet?".

Now, if the name Goodtimes Entertainment sounds familiar to you, it probably should - their biggest claim to fame is releasing knockoffs of beloved Disney movies, outsourcing the animation to companies like Golden Films and Jetlag Productions. Most of the stuff Phelous has reviewed, they had a hand in. In 1993, Disney even sued Goodtimes - even if these stories are in the public domain, it's obvious that Goodtimes was putting them out in the hopes that they could trick some schmuck into purchasing their Beauty and the Beast VHS under the impression that it's the Disney version. Aside from the Disney cash-grabs, they're also the folks responsible for that OTHER beloved animated adaptation of Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (the one with the Eric Idle-voiced fox).

This special, which according to TV Tropes aired on NBC in 1993, is more subtle with its pilfering from Disney... they've never done a movie based on "The Twelve Days of Christmas", but a lot of the character designs are clearly copied from TaleSpin. Like, I don't think it's a coincidence that one of those bears looks a lot like Baloo. The special's director, Masaki Izuka, was the associate producer on several Rankin-Bass productions, such as Jack Frost, their adaptation of The Hobbit, and Rudolph and Frosty's Christmas in July. One of the special's writers, Romeo Miller, also worked with Rankin-Bass a lot, writing a good chunk of their iconic Christmas specials - Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer and Frosty the Snowman were both his handiwork. The special's other writer, Glenn Leopold, has worked on stuff like The Snorks, Shirt Tales, and various Scooby-Doo productions.

The other interesting thing about this special? I'm actually doing a review of it before The Island of Misfit Christmas Specials did. That's such a rare occurrence, isn't it? Let's get started!

The special starts off in a library all decked out for the holidays. The partridge ornament on the top of the tree comes to life and starts yammering in a cockney British accent. She's going to be our narrator.

Why does she have a pineapple on her head?

The partridge (voiced by Marcia Savella) pulls out a book called The Twelve Days of Christmas and opens it up to a page with an illustration of a castle. I like how the castle has a giant "C" built into the exterior, presumably because it's the castle of the brave and fearless knight Sir Carolboomer and he wanted everyone to know it. Look, there's even a bunch of flags with a "C" on them, just in case it wasn't obvious enough.

This castle has been brought to you by the letter "C".

Inside the castle, Baloo... I mean, uh, Sir Carolboomer (voiced by Larry Kenney) is vomiting out exposition to his lackey, Hollyberry (voiced by Phil Hartman). He's a Zapp Brannigan-esque arrogant idiot, and he has the hots for the princess of... whatever the name of this kingdom is, Princess Silverbell. He can't understand why she hasn't given him her hand (shouldn't that be PAW, since they're bears?) in marriage yet. Hollyberry says that the princess is very moody.

Sir Carolboomer hasn't quite gotten the hang of the DreamWorks Face.

Then we actually get to see Princess Silverbell (Donna Vivino), who tears up another proposal from Carolboomer and says she's waiting for a guy who can make her laugh. Well, if THAT's the case, do I have the bear for her!

But Carolboomer has a plan to have Silverbell fall head over heels in love with him by Christmas - he'll give her everything her heart desires. He tells Hollyberry to go to the palace and find Silverbell's Christmas list, subjecting him to WHACKY SHENANIGANS as he does so.

Coincidentally, in the castle, Silverbell has just completed her list. She heads off to the throne room to give it to her father, but first she stops at the royal puzzle-maker's chambers, to get the answers to this week's crossword puzzle (her father HATES being stumped). He hands her a scroll that looks exactly like the one she wrote her Christmas list on... gee, I sure hope this won't result in a mix-up!

Hollyberry snatches one of the scrolls. Now, I'll give you one guess as to which scroll he took. Was it Silverbell's Christmas list or the crossword puzzle answers?

"At last, I've found the secret recipe for Gummiberry Juice!"

In the throne room, the king (Earl Hammond) is very confused by the answers that he's been given. A book of poems? A box of paints? A sundial? Those aren't the crossword puzzle answers, they're things that Silverbell wanted for Christmas! Which means - you guessed it - that what Hollyberry has in his paws is not her Christmas list but rather the crossword puzzle answers! I sense the ensuing of hilarity on the horizon!

Incidentally, with his white beard and red coat the king kind of looks like Santa Claus. I wonder if that was intentional, what with this being a Christmas special and all...

"Let's see... 'a company known for producing knockoffs of Disney movies.' Nine letters. Starts
with a 'G'. I should know this one..."

Sure enough, Carolboomer now has the crossword puzzle answers, all of which are the things mentioned in "The Twelve Days of Christmas". One partridge, two turtle doves, three French hens, etc. What kind of weird crossword puzzle WAS this? What, were the clues "The _________ Family (1970s sitcom)" and "A duo of half-bird half-reptile creatures"?

"By my sword! Princess Silverbell has some strange desires..." he muses before deciding that every day for twelve days, she must be brought a present from her list. He puts Hollyberry in charge of getting all those things, threatening him with his sword if he doesn't get them all. And so, one disturbing wild take later...

I think Hollyberry gets the point. Get it? POINT? 'Cause it's a sword, and it's pointy? I amuse myself...

Hollyberry sets out to get all the gifts. First, he finds that partridge in a pear tree, and delivers it to the princess along with some sheet music for "The Twelve Days of Christmas", so she can sing the lyrics as they're being delivered. So, wait, does the song already exist in this world and that's where the crossword-puzzle maker got the idea for the answers? Or did Carolboomer create the song himself? A bear wrote "The Twelve Days of Christmas"? Next you'll be telling me that an elf wrote "Jingle Bell Rock".

"I don't even LIKE pears!"

Silverbell rejects the gift, but Carolboomer isn't too phased when Hollyberry tells him that. He thinks she's just playing hard-to-get. Thus, he sends Hollyberry to find two turtle-doves, which he accomplishes and brings to Silverbell the next day. He also brings back the partridge, since the lyrics are "on the second day of Christmas, my true love gave to me two turtle-doves AND a partridge in a pear tree". When you think about it, that means by the twelfth day of Christmas, whoever it was that's singing had twelve partridges in twelve pear trees. I sure hope they liked pears...

Oh, by the way, every time Hollyberry brings the princess a new gift, we cut to the king realizing that whatever the gift is = the answers to his crossword puzzle. Just in case you were wondering if he'd ever get that crossword puzzle done.

I kind of wish the animators had made the turtle-doves actual turtle/dove hybrid creatures. That
would've been amusing, even if it would've been scientifically inaccurate. Ah well...

"Tell Sir Carolboomer I am NOT impressed!" Silverbell snaps, but Carolboomer still doesn't get the hint. He tells Hollyberry (doesn't that sound like a girl's name?) that tomorrow he shall bring her THREE gifts... well, technically six: the partridge, the two turtle-doves, and the three French hens. So he finds three French hens, and you can tell they're French because they're eating French bread and what I assume is Escargot. Did he go all the way to France just for those hens? Wouldn't it be easier to just find some random chickens, slap berets on them, and SAY that they're French?

Is that CHOCOLATE-COVERED escargot? Sounds disgusting, but so does eating snails as a whole...

Hollyberry gets the hens to come with him by dressing like Bert from Mary Poppins and speaking in a French accent. He brings them to Silverbell, but she continues to be unimpressed, even with the accompaniment of a bear doo-wop band. Nor is she impressed by the four calling birds he brings the next day.

"I snatched them from the Enchanted Tiki Room. I know stealing from Disney is risky, but
hey, this IS a Goodtimes production..."

Next up are the five golden rings (ba-dum-bum-bum) and fortunately there just so happens to be a giant wearing five golden rings (ba dum-bum-bum) nearby. To get to the giant, Hollyberry must climb a large beanstalk. Fairy tale references, nyuck nyuck nyuck. Weirdly enough, the giant is human - or at least human-like, the only human-like being in a special otherwise populated by anthropomorphic bears and talking birds. Does that mean humans still exist in this world? Is this just a bears-only kingdom?

Okay, so Hollyberry winds up getting injured, but he manages to get the rings and bring them to Silverbelly. She's actually impressed... until he brings out the birds. Regardless, Carolboomer thinks they're getting somewhere.

Incidentally, I already said that Carolboomer looks like Baloo, but now that I think about it, he also kind of looks like Tummi Gummi. So that's TWO Disney characters whose designs Goodtimes pilfered.

Of course, Disney DID recycle Baloo's design themselves for Little John in Robin Hood and the
bear in Bedknobs and Broomsticks...

The next day, Silverbell is visited by a bear who's a parody of Michael Jackson. I did not make that up. He's there not only to fill the "1990s Christmas special pop culture reference" quota, but also to tell her that Hollyberry's bringing her six geese-a-laying. One of them lays an egg - which Silverbell promptly pelts at Hollyberry. I don't know whether or not I love or hate the fact that this special has a Michael Jackson Bear in it.

Although I don't think Michael Jackson ever wore such puffy sleeves...

Then it's a bear barbershop quartet showing up in the castle to announce that Hollyberry's bringing Silverbell seven swans-a-swimming in an inflatable kiddie pool. She tells him that if he brings one more bird into her palace, she'll have his head cut off. I know she's allergic to feathers, but still... overreaction, much?

Hollyberry tells Carolboomer that he's throwing in the towel, mainly because he wants to keep his head. Carolboomer doesn't take it very well.

"Boo-Boo TOLD ME not to steal that pic-a-nic basket... 'Mr. Ranger isn't gonna like it,' he
said... why didn't I listen to him?"

Hollyberry is stuck between a rock and a hard place. If he goes back to the palace, Hollyberry chops his head off. If he doesn't, Carolboomer chops his head off. The partridge encourages him not to give up, mentioning that Silverbell wants someone to make her laugh. Say, if she's the narrator, does that mean she knows what Silverbell REALLY wants for Christmas? If so, why doesn't she fill Hollyberry in?

Well, anyhow, on the Eighth day of Christmas, Silverbell is visited by bear versions of... the Supremes? The Pointer Sisters? I'm not sure... and Hollyberry, bringing her eight maids-a-milking eight cows. Fortunately, she doesn't chop off his head - she just squirts him with milk straight from the cow's udder.

What does he bring her the next day? Nine drummers drumming. Natch.

All of whom look exactly alike. I wonder if they're clones...

Silverbell sends him flying, hoping that on the tenth day of Christmas she won't have to worry about any more stupid gifts. She is wrong.

Today's gift? Nine bagpipe-blowing bears (he couldn't find ten, so he had to fill in) and a bear version of Elvis. Okay, two things... one, bagpipe music and Elvis seems like a weird combination (maybe Elvis actually did play the bagpipes in his spare time, I don't know). Two, I thought it was "ten lords a-leaping", not ten bagpipers a-bagpiping.

Oh, let him be (oh, let him be) your teddy bear, Silverbell.

Only two days to go. Next gift on the list is eleven ladies dancing. Wait, wasn't it NINE ladies dancing and TWELVE drummers drumming?

Why am I suddenly reminded of the "Dance of the Hours" sequence from Fantasia?

All of a sudden, Silverbell is starting to warm up to Hollyberry, and Hollyberry is falling for the princess. Then she winds up getting knocked into the geese's nest and she hates his guts again. Wah wah wah wah WAAAAAAAAAAH...

One day left - the twelve lords-a-leaping (again, shouldn't it be TEN lords-a-leaping and twelve pipers piping?). So he heads to the "House of Lords" and gives the twelve lords in side new boots to wear... boots with chili pepper insoles. Once the insoles heat up, the lords start a-leaping. "Now that's a hot one!" Silverbell quips, sending her into hysterics. And remember how she wanted to marry someone who would make her laugh?

Wait, if she laughed at her own joke, does that mean she's going to marry herself?

"I know we haven't shared one second of screentime, but we are very much meant to be! Let's
get married!"

Carolboomer is all "Huzzah, I'm going to marry Silverbell!" to which Silverbell tells him that she's not in love with him, she's in love with Hollyberry. I think we all saw this coming a mile away.

"I think Rudolph's nose just exploded behind me!"

And that's how Hollyberry won the heart of a princess, with the help of bear versions of Michael Jackson and Elvis. As for Carolboomer, I think he went on to star in The Jungle Book 2.

What's the Verdict?

Considering Goodtimes' reputation, I wasn't expecting this to be very good. And, yeah, I wouldn't call it GOOD, but I wouldn't call it bad either. The ending is pretty abrupt, most of the jokes aren't funny, and the plot kind of drags. And, I gotta ask, why exactly ARE all the characters bears? I don't think they ever call attention to the fact that they're bears... you could've made them ANY type of animal (pigs, mice, gorillas, kinkajous, what have you) and it wouldn't have made a difference. Maybe Masaki Izuka just likes bears?

But like I said, it's not BAD. The animation is okay and the voice actors all do a fine job. Plus, it's hard for me to hate something that has a Michael Jackson Bear in it. It's just so corny, I can't help but not love that part. Would I reccommend watching it? Probably not, but as far as Christmas specials go, you could do a lot worse.

Here's an interesting fact for you - one of the voice actors in this special is Frank Simms, the voice of the Craver in the Honey Comb cereal commercials. This, combined with the fact that Carolboomer's voice actor, Larry Kenney, has also provided the voice of Count Chocola and Sonny the Cocoa Puffs Bird, makes me wonder what a Christmas special starring cereal mascots would be like. So long as it's not A Foodfight Christmas, it might be interesting...

Let's Watch This: "Holidaze: The Christmas That Almost Didn't Happen" (2006)

I was introduced to Holidaze: The Christmas That Almost Didn't Happen through Platypus Comix's "Island of Misfit Christmas Specials" page. It was directed by David H. Brooks of Saturday Night Live fame, features a ton of celebrity voices, and proudly boasts on the DVD cover that it has songs written by the folks who did the songs for High School Musical. This is another one of those specials that languishes in obscurity for one reason or another - I don't know if it ever reran since its debut on ABC in 2006, it was released on DVD but I imagine the DVD is out of print by now, but you can find it on YouTube if you'd like to watch it for yourself.

Is the special any good? Let's find out.

The special starts off the week after Christmas, as our narrator talks about how they very recently had a Christmas that almost didn't happen. The camera zooms in on a snowman... and then the narrator says "Hey, wh-what are you looking at?" and it pans over to a elf who sounds like a frat boy (voiced by Jonathan Price) chuckling. "Like snowmen can talk!" he quips, an obvious reference to Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer and its singing snowman narrator. Then we get a joke about reindeer peeing in the snow (surprisingly, they don't go for the obvious "don't eat yellow snow" joke - this one is a lot less subtle).

Yep, this is one of those "this ain't your granddaddy's Christmas special!" specials, desperately trying to be "
irreverent" and snarky. Hopefully it at least doesn't have any innuendos like Jingle Bell Rock did.

"Pff. Talking snowmen... next you'll probably be claiming that an elf can become a dentist."

Speaking of reindeer, our main character is a reindeer named Rusty, voiced by Fred Savage. He's Rudolph's brother, and as such is constantly stuck in the glowing-schnozed deer's shadow. His dad (Andrew Block) brushes him off while gushing to the other reindeer about how great Rudolph is... considering what a jerk Rudolph's dad was to him initially in the original special, I guess it's not too surprising.

In case you're wondering, we never actually see Rudolph on-screen at any point in this special. They don't even say his name - this is because Rudolph isn't in the public domain, ergo, you can apparently get sued if you have him appear in your Christmas special. The most we get is a glowing red light coming from off-camera.

"Have I ever mentioned how much better Rudolph is than Rusty? Because..."

"Hey, Dad, what are you talking about?"

"GAH! Rusty, I didn't see you there! I was just, um, talking about that Unaccompanied Minors
movie we saw the other day..."

According to the narrator elf, everybody gets pretty stressed out at the North Pole during the holiday season... except for the big guy himself, Santa Claus (Fred Willard). Particularly troubled is poor Rusty - he can't fly (and there are no George Lopez-voiced toucans around to give him lessons), his nose only glows briefly, and his dad's constant gushing over his brother isn't doing much to boost his confidence either.

Nitpick time: I don't really like the designs of the reindeer. I'm okay with everyone having one eye slightly larger than the other, I just don't care for the cheekbones or the weird lips they gave 'em. Maybe these designs would've looked better in 2D, but in three dimensions they're just off-putting.

I think Rusty blew a fuse the last time he blew his nose.

Maybe Rusty can help Mrs. Claus (Edie McClurg) out with her... cooking show? Yes, Mrs. Claus has a cooking show. You'd think this might lead to some good jokes, but it doesn't. Instead, Rusty somehow fails miserably at putting icing on cookies, and Mrs. Claus suggests that he go help the elves.

The elves are upgrading their "Naughty-and-Nice-a-Matic" - once a giant computer, now a simple laptop. Rusty's attempt to help sends one elf flying into a box... and then the flap on his pajamas falls down, showing off his butt. Because I really needed to see an elf's butt. Thanks for that.

Rusty walks around feeling sorry for himself as his inner monologue (which is not Fred Savage for some reason?) sings an incredibly uninteresting song. "I want to find some place where I can be a part of Christmas!" he tells an elf (John Ales). "I want to be someone else besides 'Mr. Red's little brother'! I want my dad to be proud of me!" The elf hands him a card that reads "HERBIE THE ELF, DDS - DENTIST" - not to be confused with that OTHER dentist elf whose name starts with an "H", wink wink, nudge nudge. On the back of the card, the elf claims, are some people who can give Rusty the answers he needs. They helped Herbie, so surely they can help Rusty too.

"Wait, I thought the elf who became a dentist's name was Herm-"

"Ssssssssssh! You wanna get sued?!"

So off Rusty heads to the big city, his inner monologue continuing to sing about his hopes and dreams. Along the way, he runs into the Coca-Cola Polar Bears. No, really. The Coca-Cola Polar Bears, holding up Coke bottles and everything. Whatever happened to those bears? I don't remember the last time I've seen them on TV. Ah well, it's a neat cameo...

Now I kind of want to see a stop-motion Coca-Cola commercial.

Rusty arrives in the big city - presumably New York, since that's the big city everyone most associates with Christmas, but they don't specify - where he runs into a guy dressed like Santa Claus and mistakes him for the real deal. The narrator elf tells the audience that department store Santas like this guy are Santa's helpers, who take toy requests and fax, phone, or email them to the North Pole. You know what I find funny, though? This guy isn't at all weirded out by there being a talking reindeer in front of him.

"You smell like beef and cheese, you don't smell like Santa..."

The Santa suit-wearing guy (John O'Hurley) dubs himself a thespian. "Ohhhhhhh... my aunt Roberta was one of those," Rusty claims, giving us a joke that I'm sure made the parents watching this with their kids back in 2006 raise an eyebrow.

Then he gets mistaken for a dog by a dog catcher (also Fred Willard)... because, y'know, there are a lot of dog breeds with antlers. But considering how the dog catcher also mistook a snake, a cow, a chicken, a little girl, and some other type of animal that I can't make out for dogs, I guess we can chalk this up to him being a few sodas short of a six-pack.

Can anyone make out what that thing in the cage next to the cow is?

Rusty heads to a meeting for various holiday icons held in a church's basement. In attendance are the Easter Bunny (Gladys Knight), Cupid (Paul Rodriguez), a turkey named Albert (Harland Williams), and two valley girl ghosts (Emily Osment and Brenda Song) who are there to represent Halloween because they didn't have the rights to Jack Skellington (although I wonder why they didn't just go with a jack-o-lantern).

Y'know what this reminds me of? My sister once came up with an idea for a TV show called "The Holidaze" starring these characters that represented each month of the year. There was a reindeer for December, a firecracker for July, a sun for... June, I think, a heart for February, and I'm pretty sure a turkey for November. Strange how I'm just now remembering that...

Shouldn't there be a leprechaun to represent St. Patrick's Day, too? Maybe he got caught in traffic
or something...

The ghosts and Cupid initially mistake Rusty for Rudolph. We get some Family Guy-esque cutaway gags, then the Easter Bunny suggest that Rusty land a role in a holiday pageant rehearsing upstairs. So Rusty winds up dressed as a camel, talking to a grouchy kid (both Dylan and Cole Sprouse) who complains that he's only taking part in the play to get school credit.

He needs a "I Really Wish I Weren't Here Right Now" button.

The Easter Bunny sings "White Christmas" presumably for no other reason than because they figured if they had Gladys Knight in their special they should have her sing, and Rusty talks to the unnamed kid, who reveals - horror of horrors - that he doesn't believe in Christmas. The kid doesn't believe Rusty when he tells them about the "Naughty-and-Nice-o-Matic" and that he won't get the catcher's mask he wants if he's on the Naughty List. "Oh, yeah? If you know so much about Christmas, why aren't you at the North Pole doing something?" he asks. "You're a REINDEER. Aren't you supposed to be GUIDING THE SLEIGH or playing REINDEER GAMES or anything besides bugging me?"

Then we cut back to Mrs. Claus' cooking show... because it was so funny the first time, right? She's making soup. And not just any soup, no, no... Campbell's chicken noodle soup! The narrator elf even says "Mmm, mmm, GOOD!" and everything. I always thought that what Christmas specials needed was more product placement. How much better would Frosty the Snowman have been if Frosty brought up General Electric or Twinkies at some point?

Incidentally, I had Campbell's soup for dinner the night I wrote this review. It is indeed
"mmm, mmm, good."

Rusty feels crummier than ever. One of the ghosts suggests that they get her boyfriend's band, the Pumpkin 3, to write him a theme song. The other ghost suggests another band comprised of zombies to write the song. They both perform their songs, neither of which are particularly good.

A screencap from The Nightmare Before Christmas 2: Halloween Town's Got Talent.

This leads to... um, a parody of American Idol with Albert, the Easter Bunny, and Cupid in place of Randy Jackson, Paula Abdul, and Simon Cowell. I'm sure THIS won't date the special at all. Then again, who am I to complain? I just made an America's Got Talent reference...

Guess which one's the Simon Cowell equivalent. Go ahead, guess.

After that, we cut to the kid back at his house. His parents don't listen to him when he says he wants a catcher's mask - they're too busy gushing over what an absolute saint his brother is. Apparently, what HE wants for Christmas is more chores around the house... WHAT? What kid would ask for MORE CHORES? I get what they're going for here - the kid feels overshadowed by his brother, just like Rusty, they're more similar than he thinks they are - but there's such a thing as overdoing it.

Rusty searches for the "Naughty-and-Nice-a-Matic" on Ask.com (I guess Google asked for too much money) and discovers that it does in fact exist. Meanwhile, back with Rusty and the holiday icons, Cupid suggests that Rusty go around the world, visit the houses of every kid on the Naughty List, and take toys away from them. Figuring out that these guys aren't going to be much help, Rusty makes a run for it. I like the gag here about the icons being too busy bickering to notice that Rusty left until the narrator elf has to shout it.

"And then, in the 1990s, I helped the Looney Tunes and Michael Jordan play basketball against
aliens. It didn't make much sense, but it sold Nike shoes..."

Rusty walks down the streets of the big city in a glum mood until he comes across the kid, who says that Rusty was right and that he believes in Christmas again. Little do Rusty and the kid know that the "Christmas Contract" has a clause... a SANTA Clause, if you will. Actually, I guess they knew that Disney beat them to that joke, so instead, a bunch of sand falls out of the contract and the elf says that it's a "sandy clause", complete with rimshot.

What's the "sandy clause"? Well, if a kid is on the Naughty List because they don't believe in Santa, if they decide that they DO believe in Santa, they must tell him or one of his deputized helpers by midnight on Christmas Eve - which, of course, is what day it is. The kid snatches the contract out of the narrator elf's hands so he can read it for himself.

"What's this part about drinking Pepsi automatically putting you on the Naughty List?"

"The Coca-Cola lawyers made us put that in so we could use the polar bears..."

So now Rusty and the kid have to find one of Santa's helpers so the kid can say he believes in Santa. Along the way, Rusty runs into Albert, who's terrified that someone might eat him since, y'know, he's a turkey. Isn't it kind of funny that the icon for Thanksgiving is the thing we EAT for Thanksgiving dinner? It'd be like if we celebrated Groundhog's Day by scarfing down a woodchuck...

"If only they'd listened to Benjamin Franklin and made me the national bird. Then I'd represent the
Fourth of July instead!"

(They actually bring up Benjamin Franklin's suggesting the turkey for the national bird in the special,
which is what inspired me to make this joke)

Then Rusty and Albert run into that thespian guy from before, but he's not particularly helpful. They follow him into a diner, where Albert is chased around by a crazy chef with an axe and the thespian gives them acting lessons. Uh, don't we have a kid that we need to get off the Naughty List before midnight? Time is of the essence, Rusty...

"Maybe instead of looking for my place in Christmas out here, I should be looking for Christmas... in here," Rusty says. "And the first thing my insides tell me to do is FIND THAT KID!" So he and Albert meet up with the kid at the city's Wal-Mart (cha-ching!), where Rusty finds a bunch of reindeer action figures that look like him. I sincerely doubt that any actual Rusty action figures were sold in stores after this special aired (if I'm wrong, please tell me).

"Hey, that's an unauthorized use of my image. I'm suing the toy manufacturers!"

Alas, the Wal-Mart's department store Santa has gone home for the night. Gee, maybe if Rusty and Albert hadn't wasted so much time with those acting lessons... there's only one thing to do now. Rusty must get the kid to the North Pole so he can tell Santa in person that he believes.

But first, Albert is going to sing the National Anthem.

No, he doesn't actually do that, it's just the funniest thing I could think of for this screencap.

Or maybe the kid can just use the webcam on a convenient nearby laptop to tell Santa instead of going all the way to the North Pole. This is how they learn that the elves are having so much trouble with the "Naughty-and-Nice-a-Matic" that they might not be able to have a Christmas. They have to do something!

So they meet back up with the other holiday icons, but they're not helpful at all. Fortunately, a mail delivery guy gives the ghosts an idea - is there such a thing as "super-extreme-double-rush-delivery"? Apparently, there IS, so they use it to ship Rusty and the kid to the North Pole. Aw, the turkey's not going along too? He's the funniest character in the special.

The delivery guy says that one can't ship live animals in a box, so instead Rusty and the kid have to skydive to the North Pole. Upon seeing the kid, the elves freak out. "You can't bring a kid to the North Pole! Now we're gonna have to MOVE AGAIN!" one elf moans. Apparently, Santa's workshop was originally in the South Pole, but then a kid found them and they had to move. The narrator elf suggests that they move to Jamacia.

"Why, NO, Santa, we DON'T know what happened to those Christmas cookies you were saving for
your pre-flight snack! We didn't eat them, if that's what you were thinking!"

Santa shows up, and the elves fill him in as to what's going on. Santa takes the kid to the computer room, where the kid fixes the laptop (apparently they had the wrong operating system working) and thus Christmas is saved. "I think if he promises not to tell Santa where the North Pole is, we won't have to move," Santa declares. Rusty overhears his dad telling the narrator elf about how proud he is of Rusty, wrapping up that character arc in a neat little bow.

The kid tells Santa that, instead of a catcher's mask, he wants Rusty to be a part of his sleigh-pulling team. Problem with that is, Rusty's not much of a flyer. But Santa has an idea - Rusty can act as his air traffic controller!

"Uh, shouldn't I be getting home now, before my parents start worrying about me?"

Thus endeth the story of the Christmas that almost didn't happen. Now go to your local Wal-Mart and buy a case of Coca-Cola and a can of Campbell's chicken noodle soup. And maybe the DVD of this very special while you're at it. Oh, wait, you can't, 'cause it's probably out of print. Maybe you can buy it on Amazon or something...

What's the Verdict?

Honestly, this wasn't half-bad. The animation is good, although I'm still not crazy about the reindeers' designs. Rusty is sympathetic, Fred Savage does a good job as his voice. What really makes up the bulk of the special is its jokes, and that's where things get a little complicated.

I've noticed a trend of sorts with these 1990s-2000s Christmas specials - most of them attempt to have some sort of "attitude" to it that you don't see in more iconic specials like A Charlie Brown Christmas or the Rankin-Bass stuff. I feel that can make these specials a product of their time, which is likely the reason they don't re-air often and fall into obscurity. Case in point, the jokes here are a mixed bag. For every joke that works, there's a weak pop culture reference that falls flat on its face. Hey, look, it's a reference to American Idol! Look, a reference to Alec Baldwin! You know who James Bond is, right?! There's also a weird amount of product placement that wasn't really needed. But there are far worse specials that try to do the "Christmas special with an ATTITUDE!" thing... for one thing, Jingle Bell Rock and its creepy "the elf wants to deck the halls with hot girls, if you know what I mean, heh-heh-heh" jokes.

For the most part, Holidaze: The Christmas That Almost Didn't Happen works. Perhaps with another rewrite, it could've become a new Christmas classic. Instead, it's another one I'm gonna put in the "okay" category.

Further reading:
- Platypus Comix's review of the special
- Another review by a blog that does nothing but Christmas reviews

Or you could watch Bobsheaux's review of the special (I didn't watch this until after I'd written my review, so any similarities are entirely coincidental)

Y'know what else is kind of funny? This is the second Christmas review I've done this year where the main conflict had to do with technology. Does that mean I can blame Ozzie the Elf for what happened in this special?

Let's Watch This: "The Star" (2017)

I remember hearing about The Star before it was released in theaters. I remember all the press releases hyping up the celebrity voices... which is probably the reason I wasn't really interested in seeing it. Whenever I see a new animated movie boasting about all the celebrities they got to voice the characters, I usually get turned off. No, Sony Pictures Animation, I don't care that you have Kelly Clarkson voicing a horse. So I never actually watched it until now.

The Star was directed by Timothy Reckart and written by Carlos Kotkin and Simon Moore. In an interview with Timothy, he said that he felt encouraged to direct the film because he didn't think there were enough Christmas movies centering on the Nativity of Jesus. "It felt like an opportunity to be part of a movie that had not been done before, that's really going to fill a void," he said. It was released in November 2017 and did... reasonably well at the box office, and critics just kind of found it okay. Though as far as Sony Pictures Animation releases in 2017 go, that's not too bad...

Yeah, I haven't seen this one either, though I sincerely doubt it's worse than
something like Peter Rabbit.

I wonder if the folks at Sony Pictures Animation were concerned by what thin ice they were on... an animated movie about the birth of Jesus? They had to know that if they didn't get this right, religious audiences would be furious. And it's a comedy movie with wisecracking talking animals? Granted, this is hardly the first time somebody's done a comedic take on the birth of Jesus... remember that Family Guy episode? Maybe their mindset was "Well, hey, we can't possibly do worse than Family Guy's version of the story."

So, why don't we watch the movie and see if it's a hidden gem or a movie that deserves more flack than it's given? And no, I won't be making any religion jokes. I'm nervous about doing a review of a movie about the Nativity as is.

The movie begins in Nazareth, a long time ago. As an offscreen chorus sings an acapella version of "Carol of the Bells", the camera follows a jerboa as it scurries around until it reaches the home of Mary (voiced by Gina Rodriguez). After Mary shares some of her food with it, she is visited by an angel (Joel McCrary) who tells her that she has been chosen to carry the son of God. After delivering their message, the angel flies out the window and becomes a star in the night sky. Alright, so far this is being done respectfully. The closest thing we have to a joke is Mary wondering if she should say "Thank you."

And then the jerboa hops out of Mary's home, screeching "GUYS! GUYS! YOU'RE NOT GONNA BELIEVE THIS!" in a really annoying voice provided by Kristin Chenoweth. Okay, I'm becoming slightly more worried...

But hey, it could be worse. The jerboa could've been making snarky commentary throughout
the entire scene like some sort of internet blogger who does reviews of animated things in a desperate
attempt to make people laugh.

All over Nazareth, animals are looking up at that star and going "Whoa!". That includes our main character, Bo the donkey, voiced by Steven Yeun. He lives at a mill with another donkey (Kris Kristofferson) named... actually, the other donkey doesn't have a name. So I'm gonna call him John.

Positive thing - I like the design of this donkey. So many animated donkeys are grey, but they actually chose to do something different and make him brown and white. Maybe they thought if they made him grey, he'd look too much like Donkey from Shrek.

"I'm makin' WAFFLES!"

The next morning, Bo is visited by his friend Dave, a talking dove voiced by Keegan-Michael Key who's the main source of comic relief in this movie. He mentions that the royal caravan is in town today. "See?! I told you that star was a sign! We're meant for something greater than this!" Bo tells John. John insists that Bo should just accept his lot in life, but Bo thinks being part of the royal caravan would be awesome. You get to go from town to town, marching alongside clones of Maximus from Tangled, and be a Very Important Animal (a VIA).

Bo's trying desperately to make the DreamWorks Face, but it's kind of hard when you
don't have eyebrows.

Alas, Bo's attempt at cutting his harness is foiled by the mill owner. "I'm gonna go find someone to poop on," Dave says as he flies out of the mill. Yes, toilet humor in a retelling of the Nativity. Strike one, movie. Strike one.

Before appearing in The Star, Dave had a bit part in Valiant.

Six months later, Mary is getting married to Joseph (Zachary Levi) and Bo is still stuck in that mill, staring at Steve's butt 24/7. He's officially given up on getting out of the mill and becoming a member of the royal caravan. But then John decides to throw him a bone - he pretends to be injured, causing Bo to slip out of his harness, and tells him to go get help. When the mill owner shows up again, John tells Bo to seize his chance. Freedom is his... if he can get away from the mill owner.

After a chase sequence in which the mill owner is subjected to WHACKY SHENANIGANS, Bo encounters Mary and Joseph. Mary wants to keep him, Joseph not so much. Then they head inside so Mary can tell Joseph about her, you know, carrying the messiah. Oh, yeah, and Dave caught up with Bo, and he makes another poop joke. Could we please NOT have toilet humor in a movie about Christianity? It just feels wrong.

You might have noticed that I've only featured screencaps of the animals so far. That
stems from the fact that I don't want to make any jokes about the characters that actually
originated from the bible. That's another thing that feels wrong to me.

We cut to three months later and see the three wise men on their camels. They have names, but y'know what, I'm just going to call them Tyler Perry Camel, Oprah Winfrey Camel, and Tracy Morgan Camel. Because that's basically all they have going for them. It's Tyler Perry, Oprah Winfrey, and Tracy Morgan as camels. Tracy Morgan Camel and Tyler Perry Camel argue over whether or not they're going to a birthday party or a baby shower. Oprah Winfrey Camel suggests that they're actually going to meet the son of God, to which the other two give her confused looks.

"Wait, you mean it's NOT Wednesday? Rats, now we can't make a 'hump day' joke..."

The wise men (Phil Morris, Fred Tatasciore and Joel Osteen) and their camels arrive at the palace of Herod (Christopher Plummer), where the camels are antagonized by his pet dogs, Rufus (Gabriel Iglesias) and Thaddeus (Ving Rhames). The wise men tell Herod about the new king whose birth was foretold by the star, but most of the scene is actually focused on the three annoying camels. Here is their shtick - the Oprah Camel is the smart down to earth one, and the Tyler Perry and Tracy Morgan Camels are the whacky dimwitted ones. Laugh, please.

Rule of thumb: if an animated movie makes Tracy Morgan unfunny, it is doing something wrong.

Herod tells his scary mask-wearing dog-walker guy, Hunter (Lex Lang) to go out and get rid of the baby. Speaking of the baby, we see the jerboa from before telling a bunch of rodents and pigeons about how the angel told Mary that her child would be the new king. Everyone scatters when the dogs show up and start interrogating the jerboa. I'm not sure what good this is gonna do the dogs, since it's been established that the humans can't understand the animals so they can't tell Hunter any of what the jerboa told them, and even if she told them the woman they're looking for's name was Mary they have no idea what she looks like, but eh...

I can't believe I'm saying this, but can we have the sassy dove back?

Meanwhile, Mary and Joseph are preparing to go to Bethlehem - and they're gonna have Bo take them there, throwing a wrench in Bo and Dave's "joining the royal caravan" plan. After Joseph fails at harnessing Bo, they decide to go on foot - closing the gate behind them, trapping Bo and Dave inside... until Hunter shows up.

Y'know, this is the SECOND animated movie where the villain was voiced by
Christopher Plummer and had vicious dogs for pets. The first, for those unaware, was UP.

Dave attempts to distract the dogs while Bo sneaks out the open gate, but it doesn't work. Then the dogs pick up Mary's scent from the bandage she put on Bo's leg, so Bo and Dave to put aside their "join the royal caravan" plan and save Mary... well, Bo does, anyway. Dave takes some convincing. What they don't know is that Hunter, Rufus, and Thaddeus are hoping that the donkey will lead them right to her, heh heh heh...

Dave claims that he knows a shortcut to Bethlehem... a shortcut that takes them to a canyon that one might expect Wile E. Coyote to show up in.

If only there was a rickety-looking rope bridge they could cross.

Coincidentally enough, Joseph and Mary just so happen to be crossing through that same canyon at that very moment, and if Bo wants to get to them, he'll have to jump - since, y'know, donkeys aren't great at climbing down cliff walls. He falls into the canyon, passing by a sheep on his way down. Her name is Ruth (Aidy Bryant). What's a sheep doing in the middle of a canyon? Wouldn't a ram be more at home in this environment?

Long story short, Bo winds up landing painfully on top of Dave, but thanks to cartoon physics neither of them are harmed. Ruth tells them that she's been to Bethlehem and knows all about it and how to get there... uh oh, I smell a THIRD main character joining their little group.

Please tell me she's not the love interest...

And then, oy, it's back to the camels. They're sneaking around trying to figure out what Herod is up to. He tells the wise men that they're free to go to Bethlehem - not out of the kindness of his heart, no, no, so that HE can find out where the baby is and send him a gift of his own, if you know what I mean. The Tyler Perry Camel turns into Captain Obvious and says that Herod is up to something. "We have to warn the new king!" he declares.

Back to the main characters. They catch up with Mary and Joseph and Bo tries to tell them that they're in danger, but - of course - all the humans hear is a bunch of hee-hawing. I swear I've seen this exact same joke somewhere else, but I don't know where. Then the animals attempt to tell them through charades, and I will admit, Bo's impression of Joseph did get a snicker out of me.

"Yeah, well, that's just, like, your opinion, man."

Unfortunately, Hunter and the dogs are approaching - they've been following the animals since they made it down the cliff, and Ruth for whatever reason didn't point that out to them sooner. So Bo leads Mary into a nearby market to hide her, Ruth continues to be annoying, Dave and Ruth's attempts at stopping Hunter are epic failures, and eventually Bo causes a chain reaction that destroys the whole market and sends Hunter flying into a body of water. So I guess Hunter drowns? I doubt he'd be able to swim that well with that heavy armor on him...

"Now who's going to rub our bellies and feed us dog biscuits?!"

Joseph is so mad that he declares he doesn't want Bo near Mary or the baby, dubbing him "just a good for nothing donkey that has brought us nothing but trouble". Bo makes a sad face and decides to leave them and join the royal caravan. "But what about our tiny flock? Flocks stick together!" Ruth protests, to which Bo says that they are NOT a flock and that he never should have followed her. Yeah, you really shouldn't have. She's so annoying. Oh, and by the way, of COURSE Hunter is still alive.

We get a montage of Bo walking away sadly and Joseph, Mary and Ruth walking away sadly as some musician whose voice I don't recognize sings a sad song and they mope and dope until Bo and Dave find the royal caravan.

"NYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH SEBEEEEEEEEEEEEEENYAAAAAAAAA
this movie is so weak!"

"You should have... seen 'Coco' insteaaaaaaaaaad..."

"You have bad taste in movies..."

But then Bo's bandage flies off and he looks up at the star in the sky, which makes him realize that he MUST help Mary and blah-blah-blah. He tells Dave to go ahead, but Dave says, "The royal caravan was our dream. But the best part was that it was gonna be US. If all I wanted was to go out and flap among a bunch of fancy wagons, I could've done that a long time ago... look, you lead the way, and wherever you go, your best friend Dave will be right behind you."

There's also a small subplot that doesn't get explored much about Joseph having self-doubts that he can raise the son of God. When he asks the lord for a sign he can, Bo and Dave show up. Then Mary admits that she's scared too but Joseph tells her that she is not alone and asks Bo to carry her to Bethlehem. We get a montage of everyone traveling to Bethlehem accompanied by a Mariah Carey song (no, not "All I Want For Christmas Is You").

I probably shouldn't make a joke about Bethlehem either.

Once they arrive in Bethlehem, Mary and Joseph try to see if they can get a room at the inn, but you know how the story goes... the inn is full. And to make matters worse, then guess who shows up? Why, it's the mill owner guy! And he spots Bo!

Wait a minute, what on Earth is the mill owner guy doing in Bethlehem? This feels very contrived.

"You're going to be sold to a salt mine and you're going to like it!"

The mill owner captures Bo and drags him away - and in a case of awful timing, the baby's a-comin'. And Hunter and the dogs are there, too. And every single inn in Bethlehem is full. And worst of all, the camels have returned, and they continue to drag the film down with their unfunny antics.

Why does the Oprah Winfrey Camel have hair like that? Is it supposed to make her
actually look like Oprah? Did Oprah EVER have a hairdo like that?

The mill owner ties Bo to a post. Bo's only hope is to pray to God in a scene that would be very touching if Steven Yeun's performance weren't so bad. Then in comes the NEXT annoying comic relief character, a goat voiced by Anthony Anderson, accompanied by a cow voiced by Patricia Hearton (because, hey, The Middle was popular in 2017, wasn't it?) and Annoying Comic Relief Character Voiced By Celebrity With No Business Doing Voice Acting Number 15, a horse voiced by Kelly Clarkson.

The horse's main character trait is that she sings a lot. Well, I guess that's ONE way
of justifying having Kelly Clarkson voice a character in your movie.

And what luck! Anthony Anderson Goat, Patricia Hearton Cow, and Kelly Clarkson Horse just so happen to have a manger full of hay that a baby can fit in! Patricia Hearton Cow bites through the rope, freeing Bo, who meets back up with Dave and Ruth and tells them to help Mary and Joseph. Dave runs into the camels, and Ruth finds her flock of sheep just in time for the angel to show up and tell them and the shepherds that the savior is being born.

Bo finds Mary and Joseph - unfortunately, so does Hunter. Bo leads them to the manger, then runs outside to find the dogs acting all evil. "If you want to get to my friends, you're gonna have to get past me first!" he tells them.

I know Bo's supposed to look bold here, but he just looks like the sassy animal sidekick
from some other animated movie about to make an unfunny one-liner.

Bo manages to take out Rufus, then fights Hunter, only to get taken down by Thaddeus. It looks like Mary is doomed... or is she?

So, what's the plan here? Are they gonna put Hunter to sleep by having him count them?

Ruth, her flock, Dave, and the camels suddenly charge at Hunter and the dogs, nearly sending them flying off a cliff. But Bo, being the kindhearted soul that he is, doesn't have it in him to let them die and tries to save them. Hunter, meanwhile, actually lets the dogs fall. Congratulations, Hunter, you just crossed the Moral Event Horizon (although considering that he was gonna kill a pregnant woman, he might've crossed it already).

Hunter then learns that karma is a cruel thing as he falls to his doom. Bo, with some difficulty and a little help from his friends, manages to save the dogs. "We're bad dogs," Rufus admits. "You don't have to be. You're FREE now," Bo tells them. Then they all head back to the manger to meet the baby.

It's a very tender moment... until the jerboa shows up again and ruins the mood with another unfunny joke. Come on, movie, you were THIS CLOSE.

What's the Verdict?

That basically sums up the movie in a nutshell... it was THIS CLOSE. It's not an AWFUL movie, I don't know if I'd even call it BAD. The animation is good, and there are a couple of genuinely nice moments. It's just... the potential was there for something really great. The story of the Nativity, told from the perspective of the animals. Great! You could do something powerful with that. Instead, we have this generic animated movie filled with pop songs and miscast celebrity voices and unfunny jokes. Most of the jokes fall flat. Even the scene at the end where Jesus is born has a bunch of unfunny jokes that ruin the mood in it (I only mentioned the one with the jerboa, but there are more). I'm not saying you can't have any jokes whatsoever, but a story like this needs less toilet humor and screaming and more subtle, down to Earth humor.

As far as the characters go, Bo is kind of just your generic "young protagonist who wants more out of life). Dave could be a bit much, but I found him okay for the most part (probably because I like Keegan-Michael Key). Rufus occasionally gets a funny joke. The camels are just annoying, and Ruth can get pretty irritating too, not helped by the grating performance that Aidy Bryant gives (she seems to subscribe to the belief that voice acting = "talk really fast and loud"). The other characters not from the bible are just there to shoehorn more celebrity voices into the movie.

And very few of the celebrity voices in this movie work. At all. Steven Yeun has a very generic "young guy" voice that doesn't bring much to the character of Bo that a professional voice actor like, say, David Kaufman or Phil LaMarr couldn't have. Zachary Levi is basically just doing Flynn Rider again. Oprah Winfrey was not needed. Neither was Patricia Hearton. Or Kristin Chenoweth. Or Tyler Perry. I normally like Anthony Anderson and Tracy Morgan, but their performances in this movie were obnoxious, as was Kelly Clarkson's. There are SOME celebrity voices like Gina Rodriguez, Christopher Plummer, and Ving Rhames who actually do a pretty good job. Aside from that, I'll give them credit for at least using an ethically diverse cast, but most of the celebrities were not a good fit for this movie.

I can't help but wonder if most of the film's problems are on executive meddling. Maybe the filmmakers wanted to make another Prince of Egypt, one that actually retains its dignity throughout with more subtle, less in-your-face humor that gets a chuckle out of you but doesn't feel out of place in a story adapted from the Bible. But then the executives crammed in all these poop jokes and "LOL the camels are wacky" humor and pop songs because they thought the movie wouldn't do well at the box office without it. I dunno, just a theory...

So, yeah. They tried, I give 'em credit for trying, but this isn't a movie I'd recommend. If you want to see animated comedic takes on biblical stories, stick with VeggieTales. If you want an adaptation of the Nativity from the donkey's point of view, watch Disney's The Small One or Nestor the Long-Eared Christmas Donkey.