Let's Watch This: "The Online Adventures of Ozzie the Elf" (1997)

Much like the Zoomer Crew, you probably have no idea who Ozzie the elf is. That's okay, neither do I. From what I've heard, the character was created for Santa Claus' website. The folks at Will Vinton Studios - now known as Laika, the folks who gave us Coraline and The BoxTrolls - apparently found out about Ozzie and thought "This guy could totally carry a Christmas special!". And thus, December 1997 saw the airing of The Online Adventures of Ozzie the Elf on ABC.

Directed by David Bleiman and Ken Pontac, the special is an interesting time capsule for that time in the 1990s when the internet was a brand spanking new thing. Y'know, back when we used AOL Online and Ask Jeeves and all that stuff? Now that the internet has taken over the world, a Christmas special focusing on it isn't such a huge deal anymore. I don't think the special ever re-aired, I don't even think it's ever been released on VHS. But you can find it on YouTube.

So, is The Online Adventures of Ozzie the Elf any good? Well, if nothing else, it's got a great voice cast: Jim Cummings, Cam Clarke, Rob Paulsen, Dan Castellaneta, Kath Souice, and Tom Kenny all lent their voices to it. But as The Nuttiest Nutcracker and Delhi Safari showed us, good voice casts don't automatically make for good productions. But let's watch the special for ourselves and see if there's anything or substance.

The special begins with Ozzie (voiced by Cam Clarke) and two other elves getting off a bus at the North Pole. And we run into this special's first problem - UGLY CHARACTER DESIGNS. Seriously, look at these guys:

Oh, yeah. THESE terrifying things were going to become beloved holiday icons like Rudolph, Frosty, and the Grinch! I wouldn't be surprised if everyone who sat down to watch the special immediately flipped to another channel upon seeing these purple-skinned monstrosities.

Initially, the North Pole just looks like a frozen wasteland, but then a female elf greets the three new recruits and gives Ozzie a bell that, when he puts it on, causes Santa's home turf to magically appear before his very eyes. What sort of sorcery IS this?!

"THAT is FRESH!" Ozzie exclaims, because that's what all the cool kids were saying in 1997, right? Oh, and then he goes "Um, DUH!", just to remind everyone that this isn't your granddaddy's stop-motion Christmas special. This one is HIP! And WITH IT!

After this special, Ozzie went on to star in Reboot. His character's name was Bob.

As he and the other elves are taken on a tour of Santa's village, Ozzie complains that the whole place is "totally version 1.0" and that he wants to help Santa "get the joint jumping". Eventually, they arrive at the reindeer stables. Comet (Dan Castellaneta) suggests that they give the elves a thrill by demonstrating their levitating powers. Fortunately, the reindeer aren't as creepy-looking as the elves.

I did say "AREN'T AS creepy-looking". I did not say "not creepy-looking at all."

The elves are taken to Elfworks, a building furnished in early Keebler where the elves work hard on toys. A Tom Kenny-voiced elf tells an elderly elf named Morty (Jim Cummings) to take Ozzie to the clothiers' unit so he can start working on a cutesy teddy bear named "Beary Sweet". Though I'd say "Beary CREEPY" is a more fitting name for it. I know I keep harping on the character designs, but I think that toy is more likely to SCARE kids than make them happy.

Equally creepy is when Ozzie looks directly at the screen. It's like he's staring into my soul,
even with his pupils pointed in different directions...

Ozzie's supervisor, Clover (Kath Souice), overhears him trash-talking what looks like Furby and Teddy Ruxpin had a baby and starts chewing him out. Honestly, though, it's hard to take this character seriously as one of those "tough boss you don't want to get mad" characters when their name is "Clover" and they sound like Lil from Rugrats.

Maleficent's early years.

Ozzie complains about how much he hates his job as he inspects Beary Sweet dolls, then he takes the head off one and finds... Bubble Tape inside it?

No, seriously, what IS that? It looks like Bubble Tape to me.

And then he spots a box of spare parts...

"Spare parts" my foot. Those are obviously completed toys!

And the wheels in his head begin turning... oh, wait, Ozzie probably wouldn't approve of such an "outdated" expression. Let me think... uh, the speed dial in his head starts up? Yeah, sorry, I've got nothing.

And just when you think Ozzie can't get even MORE terrifying, he makes this face...

This character could be the villain in a Christmas-themed horror movie. No, seriously, think about it. What if somebody did a horror movie where the villains were characters from a stop-motion Christmas special (because that's the thing in horror nowadays - take something cutesy and known for appealing to kids and make it EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-VIL!)? Ozzie could be the Big Bad.

Ozzie transforms the Beary Sweet doll into a sharp-toothed, evil-looking terror riding what looks like a cross between a monster truck and a lawn mower. Clover is understandably enraged - I mean, he wasn't actually doing his job and while one could make the argument that he was just creating a new toy, I don't think any kids are gonna want that thing under their Christmas tree - so she drags him to Santa (Jim Cummings)'s office so he can decide what to do with him.

There's only so many times I can say that the character designs in this special are creepy,
but... yeesh.

Clover and Ozzie show off Ozzie's terrifying new version of Beary Sweet (which burps a lot, by the way... because burping is automatically funny, right?)...

The perfect toy to traumatize your kids with!

And believe it or not, Santa is actually AMUSED by it. Then Ozzie notices how long the "Naughty and Nice" list is, which Santa admits makes it hard to keep track of all the kids in the world. This gives Ozzie an idea - with the right computer system, keeping track of the kids would be much easier. Heck, Santa could even set up a home page so the kids can send him emails. "Long as I've got the hardware, I can wire ya into the net!" he insists. "No sweat!"

Side note, Santa sounds a LOT like Pete.

Santa agrees, and then says that Clover can work alongside Ozzie to get that computer system going. Clover is not happy. In fact, she's so enraged that she makes a joke about Ozzie HANGING HIMSELF. Jeez, that was incredibly dark...

We're treated to a montage of Ozzie whipping up Santa's home page on his laptop, Santa checking his email, Elfworks being renamed "Elftech Industries", machinery being brought into the workshop so the elves can make more of Ozzie's Beary Horrifying monstrosities... I expect a lot of kids who asked for Beary Sweet dolls to be disappointed on Christmas morning. Disappointed and terrified.

For those wondering, yes, Santa's Home Page still exists. It doesn't look like that anymore, though...

Clover complains that the new, technologically-advanced toymaking factory is "cold and hard" - not what Christmas is supposed to be. I know we're intended to side with Ozzie, but I can't help but agree with Clover. It's one thing to use technology to make things like keeping track of all the kids in the world easier, but when you're basically letting it take over, you're likely to wind up like the humans in WALL-E. In fact, I have the uneasy feeling that we humans are destined to become like them: fat, lazy, and relying on technology for everything. And how did that work out for them, huh?

Ozzie simply tells Clover to "get with the program", then prevents Morty from touching a button labeled "DO NOT TOUCH!". Morty says that with the fancy machinery doing his job, he's got nothing to do but sit around and watch. Ozzie is apathetic, which prompts Clover to finally and I mean FINALLY read him the riot act.

"Do you know how long that sweet old elf's been working here for millions of little kids who don't even know he exists?!" she demands. "Of course not! And you don't care! All you care about is YOU! And that's about as FAR from Christmas spirit as you can get!"

"And by the way, with how quickly technology advances, your fancy machinery is going to look
really, really outdated by the 2010s! Stick THAT in your pipe and smoke it!"

Alas, Ozzie still doesn't quite get it through his thick head. "Don't harsh my mellow, Clover," he says, because kids were saying that in 1997 too, right? "Production's way up, and we're making twice as many toys as we did the old-fashioned way!" But as Clover points out, they don't have any HEART in them - just like Ozzie. Also, they're terrifying. Which is another thing that they and Ozzie have in common.

Then Santa shows up with a new request for Ozzie: maybe he could upgrade his sleigh, too? Add a cup holder and one of them fancy music machines? Yeah, how did have a fancy high-tech sleigh work out for Santa Cow in The Moo Family Holiday Hoedown again? From what I recall, not so good...

We cut to Ozzie showing the reindeer his idea for a new and improved sleigh...

"Boy, this movie is terrible."

"I told you we should've went to see Hercules instead..."

Ozzie's idea is to replace the sleigh with some sort of jet-rocket-ship-thing that gets around the world must faster than a sleigh pulled by reindeer. And since it doesn't need reindeer to pull it, that means the reindeer are all going to be pink-slipped. Is it not in the Christmas spirit to hope that this leads to the reindeer all rising up against Ozzie and beating the crap out of him? Then taking a giant novelty candy cane to his fancy machinery?

Ozzie's reign of terror continues as he builds the jet-rocket-ship-whatever and lets Santa take a test flight. Santa uses the jet-rocket-whatever's present-delivering system to send gifts raining down on the elves like bombs, sending them all into a panic. Truly Ozzie has brought many improvements to Santa's village!

Then one of the presents hits that "DO NOT TOUCH!" button from before, and even more chaos ensues. I wonder if this is going to be a problem for Ozzie...

Still hoping for that reindeer uprising...

I've noticed that the title of this special is a bit misleading. Ozzie isn't having adventures online, in fact most of this special isn't even focused on the internet. Perhaps they should've called it "Ozzie the Elf Destroys Santa's Workshop" or "Somebody Please Stop Ozzie the Elf" instead.

Santa initally assumes that the new sleigh is a new toy for the kids, but when Ozzie fills him in, he actually puts his foot down. "Why, those reindeer and I are a team!" he insists. "Santa without the reindeer, why, that's like Christmas without the merry!"

I'm way more satisfied seeing Ozzie have one of his ideas turned down than I probably should be.

"He wanted to KEEP the reindeer? Oh, how could I have been so... DUMB?" Ozzie laments. He goes to tell the reindeer that they're not being fired after all, but they all flew the coop after finding out that they were going to be replaced by Ozzie's fancy technology. Thanks a lot, Ozzie. You've ruined Christmas.

And yet Ozzie tries to pin the blame on Clover for it, because after all, SHE'S the one who told the reindeer that they were going to be fired. I'm sorry, but NO. This is OZZIE'S fault. If he hadn't gotten the idea to replace the sleigh with some sort of fancy rocket sleigh in the first place, the reindeer wouldn't have left. Fortunately, there's a way to contact the reindeer - with the "Master Bell"! Which Santa wears around his neck. After they get it (Santa is napping at the moment and they can't just wake him up and tell him that the reindeer left thanks to Ozzie), Clover gives Ozzie some instructions: "Ring the bell, and think about the reindeer. You have to WANT them to come back, Ozzie." So Ozzie tries that... and it works!

Does this mean no climax where the reindeer rise against Ozzie and whack him with a
giant novelty candy cane? Can't one of them at least punch him in the face or something?

So, problem solved, right? Well, no - Blitzen didn't come back with the other reindeer. Quick, somebody call up Olive and tell her she's needed at the North Pole again.

Actually, Ozzie has an idea - he can use email to contact all of his friends around the world and ask them if they've seen Blitzen. And in his email, he admits that he was so busy trying to upgrade Christmas that he forgot what it was all about. Some kid writes him back telling him that he saw Blitzen under the Brooklyn Bridge, so he and Comet head there.

Oof, the poor guy's developed a gambling addiction. See what you've done, Ozzie?!

When they find Blitzen, he explains that he gambled his bell away in a game of craps. And without a bell, he can never go back to the North Pole. Thus, Ozzie decides to make the ultimate sacrifice and give Blitzen HIS bell, which means that now OZZIE won't be able to go back to the North Pole. Honestly, though, I think that's for the best.

Maybe Ozzie can use his high-tech machinery and computer systems to help cobblers. They use
machinery to make shoes, don't they?

The reindeer fly off, Ozzie walks around with a bummed expression on his face and then, all of a sudden, he's swept up by Santa, who offers him a permanent job at the North Pole. Clover gives him a new bell to get around the whole "bell needed to see Santa's village" problem, and Blitzen reminds the audience that Christmas stories always have a happy ending. Honestly, though, I'm not sure just how happy of an ending it is. Thanks to Ozzie, Christmas almost wound up being ruined. And aren't there still a bunch of terrifying monster truck-riding demon bears zipping around the North Pole? And what about poor Monty? Hasn't he still been reduced to just sitting there watching the machines make toys?

What's the Verdict?

Why didn't this special catch on? Well, for one thing, it's tremendously dated. Between the 1997 technology shown off and awkward slang thrown around, it's really hard to watch it past, I dunno, 2004 and not think "This is so 1990s that it hurts." Maybe I could've looked past that if the special were at least good, but honestly, it's not. Ozzie is a really unlikable character who you frequently want to punch in the face, most of the character designs are ugly, the jokes aren't funny, and like a lot of other bad Christmas specials, it tries too hard to be "edgy" and "with it" that it just gives the whole thing a, to quote Clover, cold and hard feel to it. Is there anything good about it? Well, the voice actors all do a good job with the material they've been given (even if Tom Kenny and Rob Paulsen aren't given much to do - I think Tom had, like, four lines). But aside from that, I wouldn't recommend watching The Online Adventures of Ozzie the Elf. I'm sure everyone involved had good intentions, but it's one of those Christmas specials that tries too hard and just winds up falling flat on its face.

Here's an interesting fact for you: the special's directors, David Bleiman and Ken Pontac, both worked on Bump in the Night. Which also featured Jim Cummings and Rob Paulsen as part of the voice cast. My advice for you all - watch that show's Christmas special instead.

Let's Watch This: "The Zoomer Crew's First Christmas" (2000)

What the heck is The Zoomer Crew's First Christmas?

Well, first of all, it's not just the Zoomer Crew's first Christmas, it's the Zoomer Crew's first ANYTHING. I can't find anything online about a Zoomer Crew TV show or any other Zoomer Crew specials or even a series of Zoomer Crew books. Who the heck are the Zoomer Crew?

Actually, this special was the creation of Riverstar Entertainment Company. It was directed by Bill Hutten, who prior to this worked on productions like The Flintstones, the 1980s Alvin and the Chipmunks, Tiny Toon Adventures, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, and several Pink Panther cartoons. Bill also wrote the script along with voice actress Mona Marshall. None of this actually explains who the Zoomer Crew are. I guess they're just another example of characters introduced for this one special, presumably in the hopes of appearing in MORE specials after that (and likely also sell some plushes), only for things to just kind of fizzle out. Kind of like the Soulmates. We can't all be Rudolph or Frosty.

Well, whatever it is, it exists, and SOMEBODY'S gotta do a review of it. This is The Zoomer Crew's First Christmas.

The special starts off... IN SPAAAAAAAAAAAAACE! We eventually come across a group of aliens in their ship getting some sort of distress call. I guess these three are the titular Zoomer Crew - the furry brown one's name is Zowie, the zebra-like one's name is Z-Bee, and the square-shaped one's name is Spoo. By the way, Spoo speaks almost entirely in gibberish.

Shouldn't the one on the left be filming ads for Fruit Stripe Gum?

The three cutesy aliens call up their commander to tell him about the distress call. He tells them that it's actually an email from a planet called "Earth", which surprises the aliens - there are planets that still use email? According to the commander, Earth's technology is not nearly as advanced as the technology on their home planet, Zaedown. And the dominant species on Earth is known as the human being. They're basically friendly and caring, but they may also be childish and selfish. And then there are the kind that are incredibly nasty and unpleasant. You can usually find them on Twitter and Discord.

"Are they intelligent?"

"No. But they're very delicate. In fact, every time an asteroid strikes their planet, they have
to begin life all over. Fascinating, isn't it?"

The commander tells the Zoomers to review their primary mission - to give help when somebody seeks it, to be friendly when they do, to explore and learn of the here and beyond, and to share what they find with others.

"BUY OUR TOYS!"

Then the commander says that there's an unusual amount of activity on the northern part of the planet... which is also rumored to be the home of somebody called "Santa". Hmmm, I wonder what sort of trouble Santa is having now... financial problems again? Is Angris McBragg back for revenge?

The crew's early 2000s CGI that probably looked at least somewhat impressive when the special came out but now looks like it was grabbed from a computer game with a really small budget spaceship lands on Earth, and the Zoomer Crew get to see snow for the first time. After some WHACKY SHENANIGANS, the three come across a house belonging to two kids named Joey and Annie. Then they wind up walking into a snowman and knock its head off, which freaks them out because they think it's a human being that they accidentally beheaded. This is the height of comedy in this special.

They climb into the house and hide out amongst the kids' toys just as Joey and Annie... dear lord, what is going on with Annie's hair?!

Seriously, LOOK AT IT! What possibly convinced Annie's parents to make Bozo the Clown their hair stylist?

Anyhow, one sneeze from Spoo winds up blowing the aliens' cover, and the kids are... oddly not all that surprised by the fact that there's a mop-topped Ewok, a pink-striped dinosaur, and what would happen if Gumby and Anger from Inside Out had a baby in their room. Annie assumes that they're funny-looking elves sent by Santa to tell them that he got their email. It isn't until Joey finds out they're aliens that he gets nervous, even though these are quite possibly the least threatening aliens in the world.

I know I'm harping on this, but could somebody get Annie to a barber?

The Zoomer Crew explain to the kids that they travel around the galaxy, and then the kids tell them about Santa Claus and Christmas trees. Only problem is, Joey and Annie can't find the stand for their Christmas tree. Yes, the main conflict in this special is two kids' lack of a Christmas tree stand. Surely you can find one for cheap at Wal-Mart or something. Then again, considering that these kids seem to live in the middle of nowhere...

Zowie decides to search the attic for the stand, but all he can find is a Halloween mask. Looks like it's off to the store for a new Christmas stand. But first, it's time for that cliche where they dress the alien/monster/some other out of the ordinary thing up in human clothes so that nobody notices they're an alien/monster/some other out of the ordinary thing. You can't have a story about aliens coming to Earth and befriending kids without it.

Maybe they can claim that they're on their way to a South Park fan convention or something...

I'm not convinced that anyone is going to mistake these three for human beings... well, maybe Zowie and Spoo if they see them from a distance, but nobody's going to take a look at Z-Bee's exposed horse face and go "Oh, yeah. That's a human being all right!".

But the kids can't go to the store because they have to eat lunch, so the aliens head to the store for them. When they get to the store, they see a bunch of toys sitting in the window display out front, among them a group of blocks that can stack themselves back up after being knocked over... wait a minute, WHAT? What the heck kind of blocks do THAT? Are these magic blocks or something?

We get a montage of the aliens exploring the store trying to find a Christmas tree in the hopes that a stand will be nearby. Eventually, they collide with a guy who tells them that they'll find the "Christmas tree holder" out front. And by "Christmas tree holder", he means some guy with a cardboard cutout of a Christmas tree, so they bring HIM back to the kids' house.

Perhaps the oddest way to be abducted by aliens.

The kids lament that they can't have Christmas without a Christmas tree stand... and, I'm sorry, but I find the idea of THIS being the thing that the kids MUST have or else they can't have Christmas incredibly stupid. It makes the special hard to take seriously. Fortunately, Spoo has an idea - HE can be the Christmas tree stand while Zowie and Z-Bee make the kids a new one back on their ship. I forgot to mention this earlier, Spoo is a shapeshifter.

...wait a minute. Why didn't he think of this before?

Meh, who cares? Incredibly trivial conflict solved...

That night, Spoo gets to see Santa delivering the toys while holding up the tree. Oh, and we finally get an explanation as to where the kids' old Christmas tree stand went. Turns out, it was in the attic after all and Zowie just didn't find it. Dang it, Zowie. You had ONE JOB!

In addition, a pair of mice are now living in that Christmas tree stand. So even if the kids DID find it, they'd discover that their house has a rodent infestation.

And doesn't their mother ever clean that attic? Why didn't SHE find the Christmas tree stand?

The Zoomer Crew takes off in their ship, filled with holiday cheer and the desire to listen to Mariah Carey music and watch the live action version of The Grinch a hundred times. Suddenly a red streak of light knocks them off course.

Dear lord, Rudolph's made that nose into a weapon!

"Zoomer Crew, this Earth is a wonderous place! Maybe there are MORE humans who could use our help!" Zowie exclaims. And that's it. I take it Zowie's line was meant to be a Sequel Hook, but to my knowledge there are no other Zoomer Crew specials, so...

What's the Verdict?

This just reeks of somebody going, "Hey, y'know what kids love? Aliens. We should do a Christmas special about aliens. Oh, and make sure they're cute and cuddly-looking so we can sell plush toys of them!". In fact, was this ghost-written by those pigeons from Bolt?

Between the dull characters, the incredibly trivial "conflict" that could've been solved if Zowie weren't so incompetent, and the sappy feeling throughout, the entire special is just so BLAH and uninteresting. I'm sure toddlers would like it, but unless you've under the age of six, I wouldn't recommend watching it. I mean, it's not the WORST Christmas special I've ever seen, I doubt it would even make the top five, but it's far from the best. There are a lot of Christmas specials starring aliens (none of which, admittedly, are very well-known either), there's nothing in this one to help it stand out from the crowd.

Okay, enough negativity! We've got a more Christmas specials to look at (it's not even December yet, after all), and I promise they won't ALL be negative reviews. Admittedly, I do have ONE other negative review of a Christmas special written up, but I promise to throw some positive reviews in there too. After all, it's the holiday season - a time for being happy, not for complaining! Actually, now that I think about it, maybe it's best that I get the negative ones out of the way before the holiday season really gets going...

Let's Watch This: "Jingle Bell Rock" (1995)

Well, it's that time of year again! The turkey has been eaten, the football has been watched, and the malls are filled to the brim with people taking advantage of Black Friday deals, so you know what that means... the holiday season has begun! Although to the majority of humanity, the holiday season began immediately after Halloween, but I prefer to wait until after Thanksgiving to start the Christmas reviews.

Some of the most iconic Christmas specials are based on pre-existing songs. Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, Frosty the Snowman, Santa Claus is Comin' to Town... Jingle Bell Rock, on the other hand, is NOT one of the most iconic Christmas specials.

This special was produced by DIC Entertainment, and originally aired on ABC in December of 1995. Since then, it occasionally popped up on Toon Disney and was released on VHS twice. Its only DVD release was as part of a 2008 Christmas compilation by Shout! Factory, which also included the Christmas episodes of Bump in the Night and The Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog. Today, it's one of those Christmas specials that very few have ever heard of. Which makes it perfect reviewing material for this blog!

So giddy-up, jingle horse, pick up your feet and... get it? I'm quoting lyrics from the song. Please laugh. I'm trying so hard.

The special starts off backstage at a show called Star Searchers. The show's producer, Jerry LaBello (voiced by Milton Berle), is bragging on the phone to somebody about how he saved Christmas. Ah, yes, I remember that beloved Christmas special where Jerry guides Santa's sleigh through a thick fog... oh, wait, that was Rudolph. Silly me.

I swear I've seen this exact same character design in another cartoon before... I can't
put my finger on which one, though...

Jerry did have a little help from an elf, though. That elf's name was Buddy...

No, no, not THAT Buddy. This Buddy, voiced by Samuel "Double D" Vincent, came to Hollywood with his two other elves named Art (Don Brown) and Richie (Brian Drummond). Maybe they heard Peter Jackson was gonna do an adaptation of Lord of the Rings and wanted to audition for it?

Richie sees a pair of hot girls and says, "How'd you like to deck the halls with THOSE?!". Hoo boy. Less than a minute in and they're already throwing a horny elf at us. That's not a good sign.

And how come Buddy's stuck carrying all the luggage? That seems a bit unfair...

Jerry explains that Buddy had wrote a song. It was called "Jingle Bell Rock". Yeah, that iconic Bobby Helms song was written by an elf. And here's another fun fact for you - a unicorn ghost-wrote War and Peace.

Actually, the story of how Jerry and Buddy saved Christmas starts off at the North Pole, where an accountant elf is telling Santa (Jay Brazeau) that he's bankrupt. This apparently stems from the fact that there are far, far more people on the nice list than the naughty list. In fact, the naughty list only has three people on it: a "H. Stern", a "D. Rodman", and a "B. Packwood". Apparently "B. Packwood" refers to Bob Packwood, an Oregon senator who did some particularly naughty things. I'm guessing that "H. Stern" refers to Howard Stern, but I don't know if he's ever done anything naughty. As for "D. Rodman"... honestly, I'm stumped. No idea who that's referring to.

So, first we have an elf making an innuendo, and then we have a pop culture reference that no one who was born after 1995 is going to get. Yep, this is one of THOSE 1990s Christmas specials...

Why do so many of the elves have purple skin? First Buddy, now this guy. Do the elves
hail from Bluffington or something?

Speaking of pop culture references, the accountant elf then claims that Santa is still giving presents to Madonna. Has Madonna ever done anything that should disqualify her from the nice list? Is that what the joke here is supposed to be?

"But that's what makes Christmas special," Santa insists. "You don't see the looks on peoples' faces when they open those presents... the joy it brings them..." But then the accountant elf complains that Santa should've "enforced his trademark". Now he's public domain. Question: what kid is going to understand any of this, or even be INTERSTED in it? Who sits down to watch a Christmas special and says, "You know what I hope this has? Santa's accountant nagging him about paying the bank and enforcing his trademark!"?

Meanwhile, Buddy is in the reindeer stables playing his electric guitar. I would like to point that Buddy's singing voice is provided by somebody who is clearly not Samuel Vincent and doesn't sound anything like him. I don't even know why they couldn't just have Samuel do the singing, considering I recall him doing a perfectly fine job singing as characters in Littlest Pet Shop and My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic. Heck, he even did Sonic the Hedgehog's singing voice in Sonic Underground.

Buddy's jam session is interrupted by Art summoning him to his office and yelling at him. "We don't need no more Christmas songs!" he barks. "If we did, Santa would ask the head of the music department - ME - for the new song!"

"WHY WEREN'T YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOU AT ELF PRACTICE?!"

After that, Santa gathers all the elves and reindeer together to tell them that Christmas is in jeopardy. Unless he can find a way to restore their finances, he has no choice but to let them go. The elves will have to get jobs elsewhere, and there aren't that many job opportunities for elves. Then again, maybe Rice Krispies is hiring. Snap, Crackle and Pop could always use a fourth member of their group.

Actually, there WAS a fourth member of their group at one point. His name was Pow. No, really, look it up.

Quite a hairstyle Mrs. Claus has...

Buddy suggests to Art and Richie that they can help Santa by going out to earn some money in the real world. "I'm not gonna stand around here and watch Christmas disappear! I'm gonna do something!" he declares. Art initially dubs this a stupid idea, but then Richie jokingly brings up the possibility of Buddy actually saving Christmas and getting a big promotion and Art is all "Oh heck no! I'M gonna save Christmas and get that promotion!".

We then cut to Buddy pulling a gigantic sleigh stuffed with huge bags of... whatever it is those elves are bringing with them while Art and Richie just sit there in the sleigh being lazy. Some friends you've got there, Buddy. None of the reindeer were wiling to pull the sleigh for them? Did they even bother asking?

Buddy must be incredibly strong if he can pull that sleigh by himself.

Eventually they arrive in Hollywood... I sincerely hope that poor Buddy didn't have to pull that heavy sleigh all the way from the North Pole to California... and we get a repeat of the "Richie wants to 'deck the halls' with hot girls, if you know what I mean, wink wink, nudge nudge" joke. Because it wasn't disturbing enough the first time.

Oh, but that's not the ONLY joke about Richie being horny that they throw at us! He also opens up a magazine, faints upon seeing the centerfold, and says, "Huh-huh-huh! She'd get awfully cold at the North Pole!" Ew, ew, ew, ew, ew...

I'm just now noticing that Richie seems to have two pairs of eyebrows...

Side note, Buddy's guitar appears to be sentient. He calls it "Peggy Sue" and it looks like it has a face. I have many questions about this. However, I will be willing to let them go unanswered if Buddy goes all El Kabong on Art and whacks him over the head with it.

"I should've accepted that job with the shoemaker. He NEVER would've treated me
the way Art does..."

Art and Richie head to a motel. "It's gonna be eighty degrees above zero! Y'know, we've got a sauna down the hall, and the cable actually works! I could get used to Christmas like this!" Art says as he relaxes by the pool. Meanwhile, Horny Richie hits on a girl, but she fortunately isn't going to take his un-politically correct behavior lying down and squirts sunscreen in his face. She's also not too phased by the fact that there's, y'know, an ELF out and about. As for Buddy, he's out trying to sell his song, but he's not having much luck. That is, until he finds the building where Star Searchers is filmed and sees a sign reading "AUDITIONS TOMORROW" out front...

Art is on board with the audition, because he thinks it'll lead to him becoming famous and making mucho moolah. Oh, and there's another joke about Richie being horny. Is that just his shtick? That he's the elf equivalent of Howard Wolowitz?

"Giggity!"

While waiting in line, Buddy hears singing and discovers a redheaded girl sitting on a nearby bench. Her name is Holly (Kathleen Barr), and she's supposed to be auditioning for Star Searchers as well, but she's too nervous. "I love to sing, just not in front of people," she admits. But Buddy gives her a pep talk, and she decides to give it a try...

Calling it, this character's introduction is going to lead to another joke about Richie
being horny.

But as soon as she walks out on stage, she becomes nervous. So nervous, in fact, that her feet vanish!

Sorry, couldn't resist pointing out the animation error...

Then she imagines the two people in the audience - Jerry (remember him?) and his assistant (also Kathleen Barr) - in their underwear (don't worry, I'll spare you the screencap) and her stage fright vanishes. After her performance, Jerry, who is promptly revealed to be her uncle, immediately selects her for the show. Hooray for nepotism.

Now it's time for Buddy to audition, but before he can walk onstage, Art and Richie grab him and swipe his guitar. They've got their OWN Christmas song that they're gonna perform at the audition, and as far as they're concerned, Buddy is nothing more than their roadie. There's just one problem with this - they are awful musicians.

Like, even the parrot from Dehli Safari was a better singer than them.

Despite the fact that Art and Richie suck at music-making, Jerry actually selects them to be the final act for that night's show. Yes, really. Upon hearing this, Buddy decides to head home.

Back at the North Pole, the remaining elves are giving Santa and Mrs. Claus the money they have in the hopes that it'll help them pay the bank. Alas, it's not enough to save Christmas. But the accountant elf has another idea - turn Santa's village into a time-share!

I notice that the accountant elf seems to go back and forth between being purple and
having a normal skin color.

At the bus station, Buddy meets a boy (Eric Pospisil) who gives him his lucky baseball glove as a Christmas present. This reminds him that he came to Hollywood so he could SAVE Christmas, not give up on it. There's still time for him to help Santa. Problem is, that means helping Art and Richie.

So he heads back to the building where they're putting on Star Searchers and begs Art and Richie to perform his song instead of the cacophony of noise they did before. Art's response is to crumple it up and let the wind blow it away. Coincidentally enough, it winds up blowing right into Holly's room.

This looks really, really creepy out of context, doesn't it?

Holly tells Buddy that his song is the best Christmas song she's ever heard. "The WORLD should hear it!" she exclaims. She suggests that they sing it together on Star Searchers. So they go to tell Jerry about the song... only to overhear him talking on the phone about how Holly is sure to win because he intentionally picked the worst act ever (i.e. Art and Richie) to go up against her. Yes, Star Searchers is rigged.

"Didn't you think I was good enough to win on my own?!" Holly asks Jerry before storming out of his office. Art and Richie, who also overheard Jerry saying that they're horrible musicians, are also troubled by this turn of events... well, Art is, anyway. Richie is seemingly too stupid to realize they've been played for chumps. But then Art gets an idea...

His idea, as it turns out, is to use LIP-SYNCING. He hides a tape recorder that plays a beautiful cover of "Jingle Bells" in his guitar, and he and Richie lip-sync to it. The fiends!

Well, on the bright side, at least there haven't been any more jokes about Richie being horny...

While Tweedlescum and Tweedledimwit are performing, Buddy and a repentant Jerry try to get Holly to come out of her dressing room. "I've heard you sing and you've got real talent! It doesn't matter what your uncle did!" Buddy insists. But it seems futile, especially since Art and Richie apparently have it in the bag. Holly tells Jerry to let Buddy perform in her stead, but Buddy says he won't do it without her.

So they go out and perform "Jingle Bell Rock"...

Accompanied by musical notes obviously colored digitally and then superimposed onto
the animation cel, resulting in them sticking out like a sore thumb.

...and win the prize money. As for Art, he accidentally shows Jerry the tape recorder.

Busted.

Buddy and Holly make the cover of a magazine, perform in a gigantic arena filled with cheering people, release a hit single CD, film a music video, and even cause palm trees to start dancing! I didn't know you could do that.

All together now - MEH, STILL A BETTER LOVE STORY THAN BEE MOVIE...

Thanks to Buddy, Santa has the money to keep all the elves and un-cancel Christmas. Art is demoted to cleaning up the reindeer stables. Buddy becomes the head of the music department. And the special ends with the funniest joke in the whole thing - we see Jerry talking on the phone about how he saved Christmas, and when whoever's on the other end says that it sounds like he's taking too much credit, he just says, "That's what producers do." And then we get the credits for the executive producers. I see what they did there.

What's the Verdict?

Platypus Comix claimed in their review of the special that Jingle Bell Rock didn't become a big holiday hit because ABC only aired it once - and they ran it after a repeat of the Family Matters episode where Laura sees Urkel naked (something that I'm sure EVERYBODY wanted to see, right?). However, there's another reason why the special didn't catch on. That reason is, it's not very good.

I mean, it's not awful, but it's mediocre at best. It's one of those Christmas specials that tries to be "hip" and "modern" - you can tell it was made in the 1990s, because it features the same sort of humor that shows like Animaniacs made a popular thing in cartoons: dated pop culture references and characters being horny. Very few of the jokes are particularly funny. The characters aren't interesting, with Art in particular being incredibly grating. And I'm honestly not a fan of the super-angular art style. I highly doubt there was much demand for ABC to run it again even if they wanted to.

Incidentally, I looked the special up on IMDB and discovered that the special's three writers have some impressive things on their resume. Two of them, Cliff Ruby and Elana Lesser, worked on Balto and Cats Don't Dance. The other, Phil Harnage, was a story editor for Street Sharks. I'm not sure how getting three writers who clearly have talent together resulted in this lump of coal. Of course, I'm also not sure how getting John Vitti to write a Looney Tunes short resulted in Cock-a-Doodle-Duel...