Let's Watch This: "The Zoomer Crew's First Christmas" (2000)

What the heck is The Zoomer Crew's First Christmas?

Well, first of all, it's not just the Zoomer Crew's first Christmas, it's the Zoomer Crew's first ANYTHING. I can't find anything online about a Zoomer Crew TV show or any other Zoomer Crew specials or even a series of Zoomer Crew books. Who the heck are the Zoomer Crew?

Actually, this special was the creation of Riverstar Entertainment Company. It was directed by Bill Hutten, who prior to this worked on productions like The Flintstones, the 1980s Alvin and the Chipmunks, Tiny Toon Adventures, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, and several Pink Panther cartoons. Bill also wrote the script along with voice actress Mona Marshall. None of this actually explains who the Zoomer Crew are. I guess they're just another example of characters introduced for this one special, presumably in the hopes of appearing in MORE specials after that (and likely also sell some plushes), only for things to just kind of fizzle out. Kind of like the Soulmates. We can't all be Rudolph or Frosty.

Well, whatever it is, it exists, and SOMEBODY'S gotta do a review of it. This is The Zoomer Crew's First Christmas.

The special starts off... IN SPAAAAAAAAAAAAACE! We eventually come across a group of aliens in their ship getting some sort of distress call. I guess these three are the titular Zoomer Crew - the furry brown one's name is Zowie, the zebra-like one's name is Z-Bee, and the square-shaped one's name is Spoo. By the way, Spoo speaks almost entirely in gibberish.

Shouldn't the one on the left be filming ads for Fruit Stripe Gum?

The three cutesy aliens call up their commander to tell him about the distress call. He tells them that it's actually an email from a planet called "Earth", which surprises the aliens - there are planets that still use email? According to the commander, Earth's technology is not nearly as advanced as the technology on their home planet, Zaedown. And the dominant species on Earth is known as the human being. They're basically friendly and caring, but they may also be childish and selfish. And then there are the kind that are incredibly nasty and unpleasant. You can usually find them on Twitter and Discord.

"Are they intelligent?"

"No. But they're very delicate. In fact, every time an asteroid strikes their planet, they have
to begin life all over. Fascinating, isn't it?"

The commander tells the Zoomers to review their primary mission - to give help when somebody seeks it, to be friendly when they do, to explore and learn of the here and beyond, and to share what they find with others.

"BUY OUR TOYS!"

Then the commander says that there's an unusual amount of activity on the northern part of the planet... which is also rumored to be the home of somebody called "Santa". Hmmm, I wonder what sort of trouble Santa is having now... financial problems again? Is Angris McBragg back for revenge?

The crew's early 2000s CGI that probably looked at least somewhat impressive when the special came out but now looks like it was grabbed from a computer game with a really small budget spaceship lands on Earth, and the Zoomer Crew get to see snow for the first time. After some WHACKY SHENANIGANS, the three come across a house belonging to two kids named Joey and Annie. Then they wind up walking into a snowman and knock its head off, which freaks them out because they think it's a human being that they accidentally beheaded. This is the height of comedy in this special.

They climb into the house and hide out amongst the kids' toys just as Joey and Annie... dear lord, what is going on with Annie's hair?!

Seriously, LOOK AT IT! What possibly convinced Annie's parents to make Bozo the Clown their hair stylist?

Anyhow, one sneeze from Spoo winds up blowing the aliens' cover, and the kids are... oddly not all that surprised by the fact that there's a mop-topped Ewok, a pink-striped dinosaur, and what would happen if Gumby and Anger from Inside Out had a baby in their room. Annie assumes that they're funny-looking elves sent by Santa to tell them that he got their email. It isn't until Joey finds out they're aliens that he gets nervous, even though these are quite possibly the least threatening aliens in the world.

I know I'm harping on this, but could somebody get Annie to a barber?

The Zoomer Crew explain to the kids that they travel around the galaxy, and then the kids tell them about Santa Claus and Christmas trees. Only problem is, Joey and Annie can't find the stand for their Christmas tree. Yes, the main conflict in this special is two kids' lack of a Christmas tree stand. Surely you can find one for cheap at Wal-Mart or something. Then again, considering that these kids seem to live in the middle of nowhere...

Zowie decides to search the attic for the stand, but all he can find is a Halloween mask. Looks like it's off to the store for a new Christmas stand. But first, it's time for that cliche where they dress the alien/monster/some other out of the ordinary thing up in human clothes so that nobody notices they're an alien/monster/some other out of the ordinary thing. You can't have a story about aliens coming to Earth and befriending kids without it.

Maybe they can claim that they're on their way to a South Park fan convention or something...

I'm not convinced that anyone is going to mistake these three for human beings... well, maybe Zowie and Spoo if they see them from a distance, but nobody's going to take a look at Z-Bee's exposed horse face and go "Oh, yeah. That's a human being all right!".

But the kids can't go to the store because they have to eat lunch, so the aliens head to the store for them. When they get to the store, they see a bunch of toys sitting in the window display out front, among them a group of blocks that can stack themselves back up after being knocked over... wait a minute, WHAT? What the heck kind of blocks do THAT? Are these magic blocks or something?

We get a montage of the aliens exploring the store trying to find a Christmas tree in the hopes that a stand will be nearby. Eventually, they collide with a guy who tells them that they'll find the "Christmas tree holder" out front. And by "Christmas tree holder", he means some guy with a cardboard cutout of a Christmas tree, so they bring HIM back to the kids' house.

Perhaps the oddest way to be abducted by aliens.

The kids lament that they can't have Christmas without a Christmas tree stand... and, I'm sorry, but I find the idea of THIS being the thing that the kids MUST have or else they can't have Christmas incredibly stupid. It makes the special hard to take seriously. Fortunately, Spoo has an idea - HE can be the Christmas tree stand while Zowie and Z-Bee make the kids a new one back on their ship. I forgot to mention this earlier, Spoo is a shapeshifter.

...wait a minute. Why didn't he think of this before?

Meh, who cares? Incredibly trivial conflict solved...

That night, Spoo gets to see Santa delivering the toys while holding up the tree. Oh, and we finally get an explanation as to where the kids' old Christmas tree stand went. Turns out, it was in the attic after all and Zowie just didn't find it. Dang it, Zowie. You had ONE JOB!

In addition, a pair of mice are now living in that Christmas tree stand. So even if the kids DID find it, they'd discover that their house has a rodent infestation.

And doesn't their mother ever clean that attic? Why didn't SHE find the Christmas tree stand?

The Zoomer Crew takes off in their ship, filled with holiday cheer and the desire to listen to Mariah Carey music and watch the live action version of The Grinch a hundred times. Suddenly a red streak of light knocks them off course.

Dear lord, Rudolph's made that nose into a weapon!

"Zoomer Crew, this Earth is a wonderous place! Maybe there are MORE humans who could use our help!" Zowie exclaims. And that's it. I take it Zowie's line was meant to be a Sequel Hook, but to my knowledge there are no other Zoomer Crew specials, so...

What's the Verdict?

This just reeks of somebody going, "Hey, y'know what kids love? Aliens. We should do a Christmas special about aliens. Oh, and make sure they're cute and cuddly-looking so we can sell plush toys of them!". In fact, was this ghost-written by those pigeons from Bolt?

Between the dull characters, the incredibly trivial "conflict" that could've been solved if Zowie weren't so incompetent, and the sappy feeling throughout, the entire special is just so BLAH and uninteresting. I'm sure toddlers would like it, but unless you've under the age of six, I wouldn't recommend watching it. I mean, it's not the WORST Christmas special I've ever seen, I doubt it would even make the top five, but it's far from the best. There are a lot of Christmas specials starring aliens (none of which, admittedly, are very well-known either), there's nothing in this one to help it stand out from the crowd.

Okay, enough negativity! We've got a more Christmas specials to look at (it's not even December yet, after all), and I promise they won't ALL be negative reviews. Admittedly, I do have ONE other negative review of a Christmas special written up, but I promise to throw some positive reviews in there too. After all, it's the holiday season - a time for being happy, not for complaining! Actually, now that I think about it, maybe it's best that I get the negative ones out of the way before the holiday season really gets going...

Let's Watch This: "Jingle Bell Rock" (1995)

Well, it's that time of year again! The turkey has been eaten, the football has been watched, and the malls are filled to the brim with people taking advantage of Black Friday deals, so you know what that means... the holiday season has begun! Although to the majority of humanity, the holiday season began immediately after Halloween, but I prefer to wait until after Thanksgiving to start the Christmas reviews.

Some of the most iconic Christmas specials are based on pre-existing songs. Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, Frosty the Snowman, Santa Claus is Comin' to Town... Jingle Bell Rock, on the other hand, is NOT one of the most iconic Christmas specials.

This special was produced by DIC Entertainment, and originally aired on ABC in December of 1995. Since then, it occasionally popped up on Toon Disney and was released on VHS twice. Its only DVD release was as part of a 2008 Christmas compilation by Shout! Factory, which also included the Christmas episodes of Bump in the Night and The Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog. Today, it's one of those Christmas specials that very few have ever heard of. Which makes it perfect reviewing material for this blog!

So giddy-up, jingle horse, pick up your feet and... get it? I'm quoting lyrics from the song. Please laugh. I'm trying so hard.

The special starts off backstage at a show called Star Searchers. The show's producer, Jerry LaBello (voiced by Milton Berle), is bragging on the phone to somebody about how he saved Christmas. Ah, yes, I remember that beloved Christmas special where Jerry guides Santa's sleigh through a thick fog... oh, wait, that was Rudolph. Silly me.

I swear I've seen this exact same character design in another cartoon before... I can't
put my finger on which one, though...

Jerry did have a little help from an elf, though. That elf's name was Buddy...

No, no, not THAT Buddy. This Buddy, voiced by Samuel "Double D" Vincent, came to Hollywood with his two other elves named Art (Don Brown) and Richie (Brian Drummond). Maybe they heard Peter Jackson was gonna do an adaptation of Lord of the Rings and wanted to audition for it?

Richie sees a pair of hot girls and says, "How'd you like to deck the halls with THOSE?!". Hoo boy. Less than a minute in and they're already throwing a horny elf at us. That's not a good sign.

And how come Buddy's stuck carrying all the luggage? That seems a bit unfair...

Jerry explains that Buddy had wrote a song. It was called "Jingle Bell Rock". Yeah, that iconic Bobby Helms song was written by an elf. And here's another fun fact for you - a unicorn ghost-wrote War and Peace.

Actually, the story of how Jerry and Buddy saved Christmas starts off at the North Pole, where an accountant elf is telling Santa (Jay Brazeau) that he's bankrupt. This apparently stems from the fact that there are far, far more people on the nice list than the naughty list. In fact, the naughty list only has three people on it: a "H. Stern", a "D. Rodman", and a "B. Packwood". Apparently "B. Packwood" refers to Bob Packwood, an Oregon senator who did some particularly naughty things. I'm guessing that "H. Stern" refers to Howard Stern, but I don't know if he's ever done anything naughty. As for "D. Rodman"... honestly, I'm stumped. No idea who that's referring to.

So, first we have an elf making an innuendo, and then we have a pop culture reference that no one who was born after 1995 is going to get. Yep, this is one of THOSE 1990s Christmas specials...

Why do so many of the elves have purple skin? First Buddy, now this guy. Do the elves
hail from Bluffington or something?

Speaking of pop culture references, the accountant elf then claims that Santa is still giving presents to Madonna. Has Madonna ever done anything that should disqualify her from the nice list? Is that what the joke here is supposed to be?

"But that's what makes Christmas special," Santa insists. "You don't see the looks on peoples' faces when they open those presents... the joy it brings them..." But then the accountant elf complains that Santa should've "enforced his trademark". Now he's public domain. Question: what kid is going to understand any of this, or even be INTERSTED in it? Who sits down to watch a Christmas special and says, "You know what I hope this has? Santa's accountant nagging him about paying the bank and enforcing his trademark!"?

Meanwhile, Buddy is in the reindeer stables playing his electric guitar. I would like to point that Buddy's singing voice is provided by somebody who is clearly not Samuel Vincent and doesn't sound anything like him. I don't even know why they couldn't just have Samuel do the singing, considering I recall him doing a perfectly fine job singing as characters in Littlest Pet Shop and My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic. Heck, he even did Sonic the Hedgehog's singing voice in Sonic Underground.

Buddy's jam session is interrupted by Art summoning him to his office and yelling at him. "We don't need no more Christmas songs!" he barks. "If we did, Santa would ask the head of the music department - ME - for the new song!"

"WHY WEREN'T YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOU AT ELF PRACTICE?!"

After that, Santa gathers all the elves and reindeer together to tell them that Christmas is in jeopardy. Unless he can find a way to restore their finances, he has no choice but to let them go. The elves will have to get jobs elsewhere, and there aren't that many job opportunities for elves. Then again, maybe Rice Krispies is hiring. Snap, Crackle and Pop could always use a fourth member of their group.

Actually, there WAS a fourth member of their group at one point. His name was Pow. No, really, look it up.

Quite a hairstyle Mrs. Claus has...

Buddy suggests to Art and Richie that they can help Santa by going out to earn some money in the real world. "I'm not gonna stand around here and watch Christmas disappear! I'm gonna do something!" he declares. Art initially dubs this a stupid idea, but then Richie jokingly brings up the possibility of Buddy actually saving Christmas and getting a big promotion and Art is all "Oh heck no! I'M gonna save Christmas and get that promotion!".

We then cut to Buddy pulling a gigantic sleigh stuffed with huge bags of... whatever it is those elves are bringing with them while Art and Richie just sit there in the sleigh being lazy. Some friends you've got there, Buddy. None of the reindeer were wiling to pull the sleigh for them? Did they even bother asking?

Buddy must be incredibly strong if he can pull that sleigh by himself.

Eventually they arrive in Hollywood... I sincerely hope that poor Buddy didn't have to pull that heavy sleigh all the way from the North Pole to California... and we get a repeat of the "Richie wants to 'deck the halls' with hot girls, if you know what I mean, wink wink, nudge nudge" joke. Because it wasn't disturbing enough the first time.

Oh, but that's not the ONLY joke about Richie being horny that they throw at us! He also opens up a magazine, faints upon seeing the centerfold, and says, "Huh-huh-huh! She'd get awfully cold at the North Pole!" Ew, ew, ew, ew, ew...

I'm just now noticing that Richie seems to have two pairs of eyebrows...

Side note, Buddy's guitar appears to be sentient. He calls it "Peggy Sue" and it looks like it has a face. I have many questions about this. However, I will be willing to let them go unanswered if Buddy goes all El Kabong on Art and whacks him over the head with it.

"I should've accepted that job with the shoemaker. He NEVER would've treated me
the way Art does..."

Art and Richie head to a motel. "It's gonna be eighty degrees above zero! Y'know, we've got a sauna down the hall, and the cable actually works! I could get used to Christmas like this!" Art says as he relaxes by the pool. Meanwhile, Horny Richie hits on a girl, but she fortunately isn't going to take his un-politically correct behavior lying down and squirts sunscreen in his face. She's also not too phased by the fact that there's, y'know, an ELF out and about. As for Buddy, he's out trying to sell his song, but he's not having much luck. That is, until he finds the building where Star Searchers is filmed and sees a sign reading "AUDITIONS TOMORROW" out front...

Art is on board with the audition, because he thinks it'll lead to him becoming famous and making mucho moolah. Oh, and there's another joke about Richie being horny. Is that just his shtick? That he's the elf equivalent of Howard Wolowitz?

"Giggity!"

While waiting in line, Buddy hears singing and discovers a redheaded girl sitting on a nearby bench. Her name is Holly (Kathleen Barr), and she's supposed to be auditioning for Star Searchers as well, but she's too nervous. "I love to sing, just not in front of people," she admits. But Buddy gives her a pep talk, and she decides to give it a try...

Calling it, this character's introduction is going to lead to another joke about Richie
being horny.

But as soon as she walks out on stage, she becomes nervous. So nervous, in fact, that her feet vanish!

Sorry, couldn't resist pointing out the animation error...

Then she imagines the two people in the audience - Jerry (remember him?) and his assistant (also Kathleen Barr) - in their underwear (don't worry, I'll spare you the screencap) and her stage fright vanishes. After her performance, Jerry, who is promptly revealed to be her uncle, immediately selects her for the show. Hooray for nepotism.

Now it's time for Buddy to audition, but before he can walk onstage, Art and Richie grab him and swipe his guitar. They've got their OWN Christmas song that they're gonna perform at the audition, and as far as they're concerned, Buddy is nothing more than their roadie. There's just one problem with this - they are awful musicians.

Like, even the parrot from Dehli Safari was a better singer than them.

Despite the fact that Art and Richie suck at music-making, Jerry actually selects them to be the final act for that night's show. Yes, really. Upon hearing this, Buddy decides to head home.

Back at the North Pole, the remaining elves are giving Santa and Mrs. Claus the money they have in the hopes that it'll help them pay the bank. Alas, it's not enough to save Christmas. But the accountant elf has another idea - turn Santa's village into a time-share!

I notice that the accountant elf seems to go back and forth between being purple and
having a normal skin color.

At the bus station, Buddy meets a boy (Eric Pospisil) who gives him his lucky baseball glove as a Christmas present. This reminds him that he came to Hollywood so he could SAVE Christmas, not give up on it. There's still time for him to help Santa. Problem is, that means helping Art and Richie.

So he heads back to the building where they're putting on Star Searchers and begs Art and Richie to perform his song instead of the cacophony of noise they did before. Art's response is to crumple it up and let the wind blow it away. Coincidentally enough, it winds up blowing right into Holly's room.

This looks really, really creepy out of context, doesn't it?

Holly tells Buddy that his song is the best Christmas song she's ever heard. "The WORLD should hear it!" she exclaims. She suggests that they sing it together on Star Searchers. So they go to tell Jerry about the song... only to overhear him talking on the phone about how Holly is sure to win because he intentionally picked the worst act ever (i.e. Art and Richie) to go up against her. Yes, Star Searchers is rigged.

"Didn't you think I was good enough to win on my own?!" Holly asks Jerry before storming out of his office. Art and Richie, who also overheard Jerry saying that they're horrible musicians, are also troubled by this turn of events... well, Art is, anyway. Richie is seemingly too stupid to realize they've been played for chumps. But then Art gets an idea...

His idea, as it turns out, is to use LIP-SYNCING. He hides a tape recorder that plays a beautiful cover of "Jingle Bells" in his guitar, and he and Richie lip-sync to it. The fiends!

Well, on the bright side, at least there haven't been any more jokes about Richie being horny...

While Tweedlescum and Tweedledimwit are performing, Buddy and a repentant Jerry try to get Holly to come out of her dressing room. "I've heard you sing and you've got real talent! It doesn't matter what your uncle did!" Buddy insists. But it seems futile, especially since Art and Richie apparently have it in the bag. Holly tells Jerry to let Buddy perform in her stead, but Buddy says he won't do it without her.

So they go out and perform "Jingle Bell Rock"...

Accompanied by musical notes obviously colored digitally and then superimposed onto
the animation cel, resulting in them sticking out like a sore thumb.

...and win the prize money. As for Art, he accidentally shows Jerry the tape recorder.

Busted.

Buddy and Holly make the cover of a magazine, perform in a gigantic arena filled with cheering people, release a hit single CD, film a music video, and even cause palm trees to start dancing! I didn't know you could do that.

All together now - MEH, STILL A BETTER LOVE STORY THAN BEE MOVIE...

Thanks to Buddy, Santa has the money to keep all the elves and un-cancel Christmas. Art is demoted to cleaning up the reindeer stables. Buddy becomes the head of the music department. And the special ends with the funniest joke in the whole thing - we see Jerry talking on the phone about how he saved Christmas, and when whoever's on the other end says that it sounds like he's taking too much credit, he just says, "That's what producers do." And then we get the credits for the executive producers. I see what they did there.

What's the Verdict?

Platypus Comix claimed in their review of the special that Jingle Bell Rock didn't become a big holiday hit because ABC only aired it once - and they ran it after a repeat of the Family Matters episode where Laura sees Urkel naked (something that I'm sure EVERYBODY wanted to see, right?). However, there's another reason why the special didn't catch on. That reason is, it's not very good.

I mean, it's not awful, but it's mediocre at best. It's one of those Christmas specials that tries to be "hip" and "modern" - you can tell it was made in the 1990s, because it features the same sort of humor that shows like Animaniacs made a popular thing in cartoons: dated pop culture references and characters being horny. Very few of the jokes are particularly funny. The characters aren't interesting, with Art in particular being incredibly grating. And I'm honestly not a fan of the super-angular art style. I highly doubt there was much demand for ABC to run it again even if they wanted to.

Incidentally, I looked the special up on IMDB and discovered that the special's three writers have some impressive things on their resume. Two of them, Cliff Ruby and Elana Lesser, worked on Balto and Cats Don't Dance. The other, Phil Harnage, was a story editor for Street Sharks. I'm not sure how getting three writers who clearly have talent together resulted in this lump of coal. Of course, I'm also not sure how getting John Vitti to write a Looney Tunes short resulted in Cock-a-Doodle-Duel...

Let's Watch This: An Episode of "Capitol Critters"

I've mentioned Capitol Critters before - specifically, in my review of Fish Police. I brought it up as one of the three cartoon shows greenlit (the other being Family Dog) to cash in on the success of The Simpsons. The show was produced by Steven Bochco Productions and Hanna-Barbera for ABC, which began airing the show in January 1992. Seven of the thirteen episodes made were aired before ABC cancelled the show. Later, all thirteen episodes aired on Cartoon Network.

Why didn't the show become the next Simpsons? Well, the obvious answer is "maybe it just wasn't good", but my theory is that it just didn't look appealing to the audience that ABC was hoping to get. If it had been a Saturdays morning cartoon show, chances are it would've done at least slightly better in ratings. But when your best idea for competing with an edgy show like The Simpsons is a bunch of cutesy cartoon mice, maybe you should go back to the drawing board. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if most of the people seeing ads for the show brushed it off as a knock-off of An American Tail or something like that.

Okay, it's not JUST mice. There are also rats and cockroaches. And they all live in the basement and walls of the White House. I would make a political joke here, but I'm not clever enough to think of one. The main character is Max, a young mouse from Nebraska voiced by Neil Patrick Harris, who lives with his hippie cousin Berkeley (Jennifer Darling), a rebellious rat named Jammet (Charlie Adler), and Jammet's mother Trixie (Patti Deutsch). Other characters include lab rat Muggle (Bobcat Goldthwait), a "hip" cockroach named Moze (Dorian Harewood), and the White House's resident cats (both Frank Welker), who are caricatures of George H.W. Bush and Dan Quayle.

The show does (or at least did) have a small fanbase thanks to the aforementioned reruns on Cartoon Network. Does it deserve that fanbase, or is it as weak as Fish Police? Let's find out. We'll be watching the sixth episode of the show, "Opie's Choice"... which, from the sound of its description, appears to be a metaphor for drug addiction. Yep, it's one of THOSE episodes...

We start off with Max getting ready for bed. Before he can doze off, Muggle shows up in his room and laments that he can't find his mousehole. You see, he went out to get a glass of water because he had cottonmouth... literally. He pulls a cotton ball out of his mouth. That's... kind of funny, I guess?

"Narf!"

As Max is leading Muggle back to his mousehole, they suddenly encounter a squirrel who is clearly on crack. Seriously, just look at him:

Well, maybe he's not on crack. Maybe he's just sleep-deprived. It would explain the bags
under his eyes...

Why do so many cartoon squirrels act like they're on crack? This guy, Twitchy from Hoodwinked!, Hammy from Over the Hedge... I guess animators just find hyperactive squirrels funny or something?

Anyway, the squirrel introduces himself as Opie, and he asks if they've seen Jammet around. At the moment, Jammet and his pals are giving one of the cats a hotfoot. Yes, a hotfoot. He takes out a match, lights it, and sticks it between the cat's toes. I can tell this is going to be a very likeable character.

Seriously, maybe it's just the animal lover in me talking, but I think even Jerry would draw
the line at giving Tom a hotfoot.

The cat is also covered in bandages, and has casts on all four paws. Is this meant to imply that Jammet and his buddies cause the cat physical pain often? Even if it doesn't, they still come across as jerks for picking on an already injured animal.

After commiting an act of animal cruelety, Jammet and his amigos come across Max and Opie. Jammet tells Max to scram, then once he and Opie are alone participates in some good ol' fashioned drug dealing. Oh, sure, Opie is giving him acorns instead of money for the drugs he's going to supply him, but it's still for all intents and purposes drug dealing. One of our main characters is a drug dealer.

So not only does Jammet abuse already injured animals, he's also a drug dealer. Such an
appealing character, isn't he?

The next morning, Jammet takes Max out to show him the White House's "Easter Parade". Faceless humans haul wheelbarrows and wagons full of Easter Eggs. Max deduces that they're getting ready for the White House Easter Egg Hunt. Ah, so this is an Easter special of sorts? I should've known. Nothing says Easter like drug-dealing rats and crack-addicted squirrels. Actually, since this takes place on Easter, maybe I should've waited until April to post this review...

Jammet wants to steal all the Easter Eggs for himself. I don't know what a rat would want with Easter Eggs. Are they real, painted eggs, or the plastic kind that you hide candy in? If it's the latter, maybe he wants the candy inside. If it's the former... I don't know, maybe he plans on making the world's biggest omelet? "Jammet, these are Easter Eggs. Hundreds of disadvantaged kids look forward to this!" Max protests. "Might as well be swiping Tiny Tim's Christmas dinner!" Jammet, of course, doesn't listen, so Max storms off.

Side note, with all due respect towards Charlie Adler, I find Jammet's voice really grating. Half the time, I can't even make out what he's saying.

Ever wanted to hear Ickis act "street"? Congratulations, this is the show for you.

Then Max comes across Opie... singing a rock song? Uh, okay then... clearly, Opie has overdone it on the sugar, because he's acting even MORE like a crack addict than he was at the beginning of the episode. I think we need to have Garfield, ALF, the Chipmunks, and the Muppet Babies show up and sing a song to him about saying no to drugs...

Hello, new nightmare fuel.

After subjecting Max to more of his failed standup comedy routine, Opie dashes off. Max correctly guesses that Jammet has something to do with Opie's being, y'know, off his rockers and goes to confront him. Jammet reveals that he's in possessions of something called "Pep Ups".

Dun dun dun!

He found them a few months ago on the sidewalk. Muggle explains that they're caffeine pills, most widely used as a stimulant to the central nervous system. The White House guards take 'em to stay awake. But when a squirrel takes one, they become... why don't I just show you the screencap again?

"Jammet, have you seen him today?!" Max demands. "He can't even tell what a TREE looks like! I can't believe you give these things to him!" "I don't," Jammet replies. "I SELL 'EM to him! Where do you think I got all those nuts?"

Wait a minute... squirrels collect nuts to store for the winter, so they won't go hungry when the snow comes... if Opie is giving all of the nuts he finds to Jammet, does that mean... oh, jeez. Not only is Opie slowly going insane from all the caffeine pills Jammet has him addicted to, but he's gonna STARVE! Jammet is EVIL. Quite possibly the most evil character in anything I've reviewed on this blog. Like, on par with Phango, Nigel, Napoleon Cross, Mombi, Dr. Paradigm, and the bad guy from Top Cat: The Movie!

I guess you could say that the "Pep Ups" make Opie NUTS. Obvious joke, I know...

Then Opie shows up and says that he could really use another "Pep Up", but he doesn't have any more nuts to give Jammet. However, Jammet gets an idea... he can use Opie to steal all those Easter Eggs. If Opie gets him the eggs, he'll give Opie a "Pep Up". Opie agrees. After Opie leaves, Max yells at Jammet for being the scum of the Earth. "He's HOOKED! Can't you see that?!" he snaps. "He gave you all his nuts! What's he gonna do this winter?! What if he has a FAMILY?!" Jammet, of course, doesn't listen. I'm actually starting to hope for Tom or Sylvester to come along and eat this little rat.

Max is so disgusted by Jammet (what kind of a name is that, anyway?) that he declares he doesn't want to live with him anymore. "Good! I'm gonna need the space!" Jammet barks. Attention, showrunners: there's a difference between a character who's a massive jerk but still fun to watch (Squidward, Kuzco, Zapp Brannigan) and a character who's so much of a jerk that you actually become uncomfortable by how despicable they are. And yes, I get that Jammet is supposed to be in the wrong here, but he's still one of the show's main characters. It's not a good idea to have one of the show's main characters be this vile, otherwise there's a good chance people aren't going to want to keep watching the show - because if they keep watching the show, they'll see more of him and his vile actions. I don't see how Jammet could possibly redeem himself by this point.

You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy. I don't mean the politicans,
just Jammet.

As the school buses show up at the White House, Opie runs out to get his hands on those eggs. Max tries to talk some sense into him, but it doesn't do any good.

Did you know that Neil Patrick Harris also voiced a kid in an episode of Captain Planet?
No, really. Look it up.

Suddenly, we see some mouse-shaped shadows cast themselves on a wall. They're talking about how Max MUST be the one who's selling Opie the "Pep Ups"... uh-oh, is Max going to get framed for Jammet's actions? Is he going to go to Mouse Jail or whatever? Or, considering that one of them takes out a knife, are they going to kill Max?

No, don't go after Max! The sleazy rat with the baseball bat and the turtleneck is the one
you want!

The shadows, at it turns out, belong to a group of rat gangsters. "When squirrels down here want the Pep Up, they get it from ME," one of them snarls. "I do right by them. I work hard, I run a good business, and when a little freak like you tries to take away my business, I gotta take him to school." And by "take him to school", he means force feed Max some "Pep Ups" as a taste of his own medicine. Oh, no...

Why couldn't they have done this to Jammet? It would've been far more satisfying...

After Max is subjected to "Pep Ups", we cut to Opie delivering two eggs to Jammet... who seems to have done pretty well swiping the eggs himself, so I don't know what he needed Opie's help for. Jammet refuses to give Opie any more "Pep Ups" until he gets him some more eggs. Suddenly, Muggle rushes in screaming about how the gangster rats attacked him and Max because they thought Max was the one selling "Pep Ups" to Opie and how they made Max eat some himself. Jammet makes a shocked expression that I guess is supposed to imply that he's concerned for Max... honestly, though, I'm not buying it. He saw how the "Pep Ups" affected Opie and he didn't give a rat's tail (no pun intended) about what Max thought of the situation. And NOW, all of a sudden, he's showing concern for someone who's in danger because of him? I call bull.

"Wait, are you tellin' me that my actions have CONSEQUENCES?!"

Trixie says that she's going to have Jammet dissected (please do!) and the rodents all race off to save Max. Trixie and Berkeley get chased by some dogs, only for Jammet to come in and start interrogating the dogs for information on Max's whereabouts. He ties their whiskers in a knot, and as they're walking off they wonder how they're going to explain this. Okay, I'll admit that was pretty funny.

I do have a question, however: how come in this world, the mice, rats, squirrels, dogs, and cockroaches can talk but the cats don't? Or do the cats just have a different language?

Is it too much to ask that the dogs eat Jammet? I don't know if dogs eat rats, but I will forgive
any inaccuracies if it leads to Jammet getting his just desserts.

Eventually, Jammet comes across the tree where Opie lives and meets his mother and sibling. They're starving because Opie gave all their nuts to Jammet to get his hands on those sweet sweet "Pep Ups". This is meant to be Jammet's big "realizes he did something wrong" moment, but... honestly, it falls flat because earlier in the episode he was shown not caring when Max brought up the possibility of Opie starving in the winter because of him. How did we go from "straight up evil rat who gets a squirrel addicted to caffeine pills and shows no remorse over it" to "realizes the consequences of his actions and feels bad about it"?

What if Jammet had straight-up murdered Opie? Would this scene still "redeem" him in
the audience's eyes?

We cut to Opie still out collecting eggs, and he comes across an unconscious Max. I guess the "Pep Ups" have a different effect on mice than they do on squirrels. He brings Max back to the other rodents, and Muggle tries to nurse the poor mouse back to health - fortunately, he knows everything there is to know about every drug ever made. And the antidote for "Pep Ups" is, apparently, water. So all Opie needed to get better was to go to the closest pond, puddle, what have you and take a sip?

Jammet decides to get rid of the "Pep Ups" despite Opie the addicted squirrel's objections. Then he goes into a rant about how his vileness resulted in Max getting sick, then goes up to one of the cats and kicks it in the face. "I'M RIGHT HERE, YA FLEA-SUCKIN' PINHEAD!" he shouts at it. "TAKE ME OUT! EAT ME!"

Unfortunately, it doesn't. Honestly, though, that's probably for the best - this episode is dark enough already without them having a rat commit suicide.

"Sorry, pal. I don't eat characters like you. They taste rotten."

Get it? Rotten? Because Jammet is such a despicable creature? Thank you, I'll be here
all week...

Chuck E. Sleaze is so ashamed of himself that he decides to give all the nuts and Easter eggs to Opie's family so they won't go hungry. As well as a TON OF OTHER FOOD! Seriously, where the heck did he get all that?! No, seriously, WHERE?! Did he raid the White House kitchen? Did he cook all of it himself? I need information!

Don't worry, Max pulls through eventually. "He's awake, and he's talking, and he's wetting Jammet's bed!" Muggle tells Trixie. Speaking of Jammet, he's still trying to commit suicide, and it looks like he's finally gotten a cat to gobble him up...

That cat's supposed to look like George H.W. Bush...

I don't see the resemblance.

Berkeley tells Jammet that Max is okay, and the cat... DOESN'T eat Jammet, actually, he just launches him through a wall. Jammet assures Max that he's through selling "Pep Ups", they eat an Easter Egg, and those gangster rats get no comeuppance and are still out there peddling "Pep Ups" to unsuspecting squirrels. Happy ending? I think not.

What's the Verdict?

If this episode is any indication, I don't think Capitol Critters had any chance of being the next Simpsons. For one thing, it's not a good idea to have one of your main characters gleefully selling what is for all intents and purposes a drug. There are lines that you don't have your main characters cross if you want them to still come across as likeable. They could've given us an episode about the dangers of taking drugs without making one of the main characters scum. Aside from that, the other characters are dull, most of the jokes aren't funny, and I would hesitate to call this Neil Patrick Harris OR Charlie Adler's best work. The animation's pretty good, I'll give it that. But as a whole, Capitol Critters doesn't have a whole lot going for it. I give 'em credit for teaching a good lesson, but I doubt most people in 1992 were in the mood to have a cartoon mouse preach at them about how caffiene pills are bad for you. It's not the worst cartoon I've ever watched, but there are far better ones worth your time.

I was going to end this review with a drawing of a far more likeable cartoon rat, Remy from Ratatouille, whacking Jammet on the head with a sledgehammer, but my attempt at drawing that turned out poorly (I can't draw sledgehammers very well, for one thing). So here, have this drawing of Sonny the Cocoa Puffs Bird:

It doesn't have anything to do with Capitol Critters, but it's a pretty accurate representation of what Opie was like in this episode.

P.S. No, I'm not doing a review of Family Dog. I tried to, but the episode I watched gave me zero material to get jokes out of. It mainly consists of a poor dog getting put through the wringer both mentally and physically - and the dog doesn't even talk or do anything anthropomorphic, so it feels like you're watching a real dog being tortured. I wouldn't recommend watching it at all.